Day 102: Tracking down, Shame

I going to delve deeper into the meaning of the word, shame. Why, because, as the little boy said as he ran back into the house of the monster pig-headed man, “The party’s just getting started and that’s where the fun is!” He was right; the most fun always is – in a relative way, where the mind/system tells you not to go.

Shame, shame, shame: it’s a shame I haven’t, but for fleeting moments, allowed myself to go there, see, realize and understand Shame. Few on this earth have allowed themselves to go there, which is actually “here” because to understand shame, like truth, one must stand equal to all that is here, seeing/being as one, the shame of ourselves, the one truth (as there is and has always been only one) of our existence. I won’t waste time speaking of “shame” in terms of religious/cultural/spiritual programming; instead I’ll just get right to the point of what it is I fear about allowing myself to take responsibility for all that is here, and the shame that I am for allowing me and all as me to be as we are. Confused yet? It’s just me as the mind, racing around, looking for a door to get us the hell out of here.

I have always known that in essence, I (and I would guess everyone else, too) have the ability to do anything. I have always (as far back as I could remember) known that we are all gods. For god’s-sake, it’s just simple logic: anything and everything that is created is created of and as it’s creator, i.e., if you have to source the materials, then it’s not your creation, but an ensemble of sorts. Programmed organic robots or not, we’re still the ones that destroyed and built what is here, and therefore are responsible for what is here. And herein we lie shamed that after all this time, instead of adding value by planting seeds, enjoying the fruits, caring for earth, and then returning ourselves/our bodies to the dirt, we drill holes to suck it’s blood dry, and even in-death refuse to give back anything, lying for one last time in lead-lined coffins, our fates forever sealed.

For me, shame is knowing that I am able to change Everything (again, simple mathematics – any point within and as the whole, that changes itself, changes the whole) Yet I choose to move so slowly that if I were able to see, I would see the turtles and snails waving as they pass me by. Some people hide in ignorance – hope, love and light, expecting that their holy wishes and prayers are somehow going to make things right, which of course they won’t because if they were going to, they would already have, and clearly they haven’t. I hide behind doubt and distrust, the fear of letting-down my so guard/facade, thinking that I’ll pretend I’m one of them, like a piece of the system that slowly bides its time, waiting for the moment to then spring forth and tear down the wall. Yet, to be that which I would be is to create me to be it. Thus, sooner or later I too must come out of the proverbial closet and stand and face all of me, the shame as what I/have accepted and allowed ourselves and this world to, so as to finally turn the tides of Time, to be and become more than was before. And so it has been, around and round I go with my words, a thousand words of re-arranged excuses just to get to one little point of understanding; and molecules and molecules to go… before I actually awake. Incomprehensible? You should have seen what it was like before I started righting my relationship to me, myself and I.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself/my responsibility to all that is here, and within this not stand and change what is here as me. I see, realize and understand that the fear is of losing my position in the system, that the system may retaliate against those who do not bow-down, worship, hope and pray. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being partially cast-out of the system: to lose everything is freedom, to lose just a little at a time is torture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to let go of that which I value/fear is to return to me that which I have given up as value. In this I commit myself to stand and face the system, not from behind a mask, but as me, and walk through this evil that so many call life, so to reverse it to a way where no one need hide in fear – even from shame.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from shame as though it’s something to be ashamed of which it is, yet lying in feigned ignorance will only prolong the pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is actually nothing to fear, not even fear itself. I see, realize and understand that fear of seeing what is here has kept me from seeing and changing what is here as me, and with this I commit myself to face this shame, not with fear, but the courage to explore and express me, not beholden to a system that is not based on what is best for all.
• I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively forget so as to remain ignorant in the interests of mine. I see, realize and understand the memory of all that I am is here within and as me, and that I am able to open it up, explore it, forgive myself and change what is, so that I/we never never shame ourselves again. In this I commit myself to look and see all and everything of me, forgive myself for that which I have accepted and allowed in the name of self-interest, and stand for and as what is best for all.

Day 59: Exploring and Facing Fear, part 3

Continuing with my writings on Fear: I now see that what I’ve experienced over the last week goes much deeper than it first appeared to on the surface; I guess it would, being that it is “fear” that I’m addressing. To recap last week: when I received my pay I realized that it was almost 30% less than I had figured it should have been. My employer subsequently informed me that I was only being paid the minutes that I was in the classroom, i.e., not from the time I was told to clock in and not for the ten minutes between classes. Additionally, I was then informed that it is my duty to write four different Science/Math midterm exams and four different practice exams, which I would also not be paid for. The part about paying me for only the time that I’m in the classroom I am willing to accept, however the idea that I should write exams – 12-20 hours of work, for classes that I’m only teaching 2-4 hours per week, is (to me) blackmail, like saying that if I want this work then I have to do that work for free. My options as I saw it were to either do the work and keep the job, or don’t do the work and risk getting fired. I want to keep the job because of the income and I enjoy the students. Yet as I see it, to give into such demands, abusive labor practices as I see it (the likes that I am becoming more and more familiar with these days), would be like me allowing abuse, which as it takes two to abuse is abuse in itself. So when confronted by the boss on the issue of doing the exams, I said that I would look on the publication’s website to see if they have exams, which in keeping with Chinese tradition of not directly refusing, means, “No, I’m not going to do it.” Of course, when looking at what I experienced over the last week – how much of it was real and how much of it was mind-energy created illusion, I see that just about all of it was mind-frack. I knew that – while it was happening, yet only managed to stop a percentage of that frack, why? The first answer that comes to mind is money. What many (as I see it) have yet to realize – especially in regards to why it’s so hard for people to change, even those that have money (i.e., are not yet in survival mode) is because ‘money’ as the root of all evil within the world system is also as such the root of all fear, Evil = Fear. Even when one has money, if value has been placed in having it, there will be fear – fear of losing what one has and thus not having / not surviving. Taking my case in point, I could go for quite some time without having income, yet the thought of not having that income caused me to react in uncertainty, the fear of not having money – a challenge to my illusion of safety/certainty/security, the fear of not being in control of my situation – illusion merged with the real need for money to survive in the world system, or consciousness merged within and as the physical. Once again I see the absolute necessity of letting go fear so as to no longer be controlled by consciousness/illusion.

To stand one and equal to “this particular point” by letting go of the fear/uncertainty, I’ve draw clear lines within/as me as to what I will accept and will not accept, which interestingly in terms of working without compensation, is now much less flexible than it was before this incident, because as I now see it, any abuse that I allow unto me by this boss is abuse that I am responsible for – making me just as much an abuser. I do realize that there are those who are not in positions to say, “No;” and in such cases it’s not that they’re perpetuating abuse as much as it is that they are simply trying to survive and do not have the options I currently have. I’ve written about this before, as in “who will stand up against the abuse while they are still able to stand, while they are still in the grace of money.”

I have realized a few things from this experience. The first is that I’m way less stable than I thought I was; unfortunately the only way to really see how one will stand in different situations is to stand in those and or similar situations. A mistake that I have long made is to view strength/stability, as in strength/stability when attacking or being attacked as in waging war, and within this not see that real strength/stability is in being/remaining here, self-directed, unchanged and unmoved. The second lesson that I’ve learned and put into practice is the process of, when directing a situation within the question of what is best for all involved, to place self in the shoes of another so as to maintain or strive for equality. In other words, while I was debating (in my mind) how I should proceed, I questioned whether I was being self-centered – perhaps it was my duty to write those exams without pay, I just wasn’t sure. Finally it occurred to me to (as I’ve often written) place myself into the shoes of the other, the boss. In doing this I realized with certainty (because I’ve been the boss/principal of a for-profit school, before) that what he was asking me to do – in writing those exams on my own time is/was abuse – plain and simple. It’s been a learning experience in that, like the last big elementary school that I worked at, they both represent a world money system that has failed life and is currently in its final stages of implosion. Within the world system, until people wake and change/stop the way they participate, it’s only to get worse – the parasite/money having fed on everything else, then feeds on itself.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the internal conversations – threats, play-outs, etc., when confronted with a situation in which I viewed my environment as changing/uncertain. Within this I see/realize and understand that the environment will always change, yet this does not mean that I must be moved or accept that I can be moved. Each encounter is an opportunity for me remain stable and direct myself and the situation to a resolution that is best for all involved. I commit myself to when and as my environment does change, stop, breathe and not allow myself to jump to conclusions, but to gather information, place myself in the shoes of all those involved, decide on a course of action that is best for all, and implement that course of action. I commit myself to (within each situation or external change) reducing and stopping my participation in the mind, so that eventually I’m walking only in the physical. I now see/realize and understand that challenges / changes are opportunities for me to transcend points of fear.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more money I have, the less fear I will have, and within this not see/realize and understand that in the world system, money is the manifestation representation of fear. I now see/realize and understand that in basing my standing on money, I am insuring a standing aligned within/as fear. Thus I commit myself to stop my alignment with money, and realign myself to stand/walk within the world system as what here in the present, the opportunity to direct myself to self-honestly live as/for that which is best for all – it’s all always in/as the present – lived or wasted. The future is like my quantum job – it doesn’t even exist until I’ve realized/created it into existence with each breath.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that my view/interpretation of reality will probably get much worse before it gets better. This is because I am currently unaware of the extent of destruction/degradation to the physical reality, and in becoming aware it is obviously going to “feel/appear” worse. Thus I commit myself to walk through the changes to my view of reality to actually seeing what is here, and in this realizing / accepting my responsibility in what has been, all the while directing myself / staying on course to participate bring about changes, creating a world based on the foundation that all life is equal and one.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to the extent that I have yet to fully implement a solution/resolution without the experience of fear. Within this I see/realize and understand that my process of standing one and equal to fear must be walked in real space time for some time to be certain that my stance is solidified. Thus I commit myself to walk and if/when I fall, stand up and walk and walk, not stopping until all are equally walking as one.
  Creation’s Journey to Life
  Heaven’s Journey to Life
  Earth’s Journey to Life
  Desteni
  EQAFE
  Thomas La Grua

Day 57: Fear – of not being in control

Yesterday afternoon I went into reaction mode; not as intensely as I may have in the past, yet still in reaction. It turns out that the really cool job I started working at is only paying about seventy-five percent of what I had interpreted we had agreed upon. This goes back to what I wrote about a month ago about clearly seeing the intentions behind one’s words and actions. So although this (reduced amount of pay) caught me a bit off guard, it was (subtracting a miscalculation on the employer’s part) within the realm of worst case scenario that I had factored in as a possibility – given that I haven’t signed a contract. What is it with me and employers these days, it’s me. Even with the reduced pay I’m still OK working there because I enjoy working there. However, the reality is that there is zero job security there; so I’ll continue for now working there as such – day to day. As it now stands, I’m only being paid for the minutes that I am in the classroom-teaching. In other words they are not paying me for the ten minute breaks between classes. OK, yet I’ve also been informed that I’m expected to make four different mid-term and mid-term practice exams, which I agreed to do when I thought I was being paid per hour that I was at the school – as opposed to the just the time that I’m in the classroom. Am I expected to write those exams on my own time – probably about 12-15 hours of work? The reactions included thoughts like, “This guy knows exactly what he’s doing and he has been deceptive”; “He is trying to cheat me”; “Where am I able to retaliate?” In comparison to what the reactions would have been or probably were a year or two ago, I’d say today’s level was reduced by about a half – yet only because I focused on breathing and stopping the nasty thoughts – for which I was only partially successful. It’s like there is still this nasty being (of fear) within me that tries to come out in times that something doesn’t go my way in regards to a two-way situation, and it’s still not enjoyable at all. What I still have to understand is that it isn’t about meanings or intentions; it’s about the consequences as in are they acceptable or that which is best for all involved. Hell, in today’s climate of money/greed related suffering I’m still thankful to have opportunities to work. In capitalism, one’s worth to a business is no more than the least amount of money that he or she can be replaced by, factoring in of-course other related subjective costs; thus leaving me with fifty-fifty odds that I will have a job on Monday, kind of like a quantum job – maybe it’s there yet I won’t know for certain until I physically verify it by making it so.

As for the reactions; they are the same that I’ve been dealing with off and on for a long time, not as strong as they used to be, but only because I just didn’t allow the monster out of the cage. I fear that I’m not in control anymore. The management style at this school is hands-on top-down, yet without so many decision makers in between. I would say that the school is well managed in that the students appear learn the material, feel safe and appear to enjoy themselves. Additionally I do not feel as though I am irreplaceable. To a large extent there doesn’t seem to be very much expected of the foreign teachers. My case may be a bit different because I’m teaching a new program of Math and Science and the position I’m in requires that I either hold a teaching certificate or a marriage resident-visa. Putting myself in a management perspective it’s simply a question of spending a little extra money to keep me (which isn’t as much as I thought it was), or saving money and giving more work to the other teachers, perhaps operating without a reserve. If it were me I would pay the extra money to have the reserve and the experienced teacher. Yet as I have no contract and I’m not the one making the decisions at the top, thus I don’t feel in control of my position there. It’s all about personalities, yet I’m still not clear how to affectingly eliminate them. So for now I’ll just continue picking at fragments, breaking down the personalty. As I haven’t yet gotten through all the components of a personality, I’m for now just going to focus on the starting point of all the components, Fear.

Self-forgiveness pertaining to Fear of not being in control

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upon noticing that there was a problem with my pay, react by going into the mind in spite and blame, searching for deception in another, and within this not see/realize and understand in that moment that what I was in fact perceiving was all me. I now see/realize and understand that within me as the mind I have always looked outward for cause, instead of looking inward for responsibility. I commit myself to (as consciousness) stop looking outward for cause and in this I reverse my seeing in word and deed, unto me – as in I take responsibility for “all” as me. I as hereby reverse my outward-view of “all” as cause, to an inner/outer understanding of me as cause – now responsible for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on internal conversations regarding another and the possibility that he is trying to cheat me. I now (within seeing inward) see/realize and understand that only I can cheat me by not taking responsibility for me and all as me. Within this I understand that I am the cause and affect/consequences as in that which accept and allow of me and all as me. I hereby reaffirm my the principles by which I have committed to walk this process to life/living in the physical: self-honesty in alignment of thought, word and deed so that my relationships with others/all are free of deception.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop, breathe, and patiently await more information, as I see/realize and understand that mistakes happen, and until I have all the information it is useless and harmful for me to use/feed the mind in search of answers. Thus, I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to participate anymore in the backchat or the if this then that character as I see/realize and understand that if I accept and allow myself to participate I have fallen into a mind trap of energy consumption – harming me as physicality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply remain here within and as breath in the understanding that whatever the result I remain and I self-honestly walk. In this I commit myself to be self-honest in this and all situations, and to solving this situation and all other situations in a manner that is best/fair for all participants.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in calculating the possible scenarios, hope for the one that I deemed to be the best. Within this I see/realize and understand that hope is like the last mistake a dying human being ever makes. Thus I commit myself to stop the hoping for good intentions and or that things will go my way, and in this I commit myself to remain true to the principles for which I am committed to stand as and walk with – solutions that are best for all partied involved.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as knowing exactly what he was doing in being deceptive and trying to cheat me. Within this I see/realize and understand that there are two sides of every agreement/argument, and the only side that I have control of and over is my side. Thus I commit myself to stop judging the other side, as I realize that judgments of another are self-judgments. Instead I will focus only on what is physically here, planting myself on the ground.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of my work/income and that in this I reacted by projecting blame onto another and back-chatting about possible means of regaining the feeling of being in control – how I could extract revenge so as to say, “this is what happens when you take my control away form me.” Within this I see/realize and understand that nobody is able to play games with me unless I agree to participate in such games, and through this I realize and accept my responsibility in allowing these games to be played. Thus, I hereby stop my participation in the game of deception as in withholding and or not asking for information so as to keep my options open. Specifically, from here on out I as an employee will express myself clearly and not accept and allow anything less from an employer; let the stones fall where they fall, I will myself know exactly where I stand.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the feeling (defined as being irreplaceable) of being in control of my work situation, and within this I see/realize and understand that I had defined myself in relation to that which is separate from me and thus given-up control of my situation to that which I have no control over. Within this I commit myself to let go of my perception that I am in control of my surroundings, and to walk in self-honesty / honesty with others as I see/realize and understand that I may only control my self direction – who I am in each moment, thus here and now is the place to always direct myself to stand.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that factors beyond my control, control me and within this I see/realize and understand that it’s not about control, it’s about self direction – who I am in every moment, thus I reaffirm my commitment to direct me in all situations to a solution that is equally best for all participants. Within this I realize and accept that giving as I would receive is an essential component of equality-based life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back-chatting about extracting revenge, and within this I see/realize and understand that the fear – back-chatting that someone is trying to cheat me, looking for means of revenge, justifying my position, etc., are of a personality of consciousness within/as me that I have accepted and allowed to move me: blaming and spiting yet never taking responsibility, ever searching for more/energy for only itself. Thus I commit myself to as Life, the mind and the physical, energy and substance take responsibility for my actions that I have accepted and allowed within and as me, and stop / not allow myself to participate within and as the starting point of fear, as I now clearly see/realize and understand that the key to living/life is in letting go of fear.
• Creation’s Journey to Life
• Heaven’s Journey to Life
• Earth’s Journey to Life
• Desteni
• EQAFE
• Thomas La Grua