Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

October 13, 2012

Day 57: Fear – of not being in control

Yesterday afternoon I went into reaction mode; not as intensely as I may have in the past, yet still in reaction. It turns out that the really cool job I started working at is only paying about seventy-five percent of what I had interpreted we had agreed upon. This goes back to what I wrote about a month ago about clearly seeing the intentions behind one’s words and actions. So although this (reduced amount of pay) caught me a bit off guard, it was (subtracting a miscalculation on the employer’s part) within the realm of worst case scenario that I had factored in as a possibility – given that I haven’t signed a contract. What is it with me and employers these days, it’s me. Even with the reduced pay I’m still OK working there because I enjoy working there. However, the reality is that there is zero job security there; so I’ll continue for now working there as such – day to day. As it now stands, I’m only being paid for the minutes that I am in the classroom-teaching. In other words they are not paying me for the ten minute breaks between classes. OK, yet I’ve also been informed that I’m expected to make four different mid-term and mid-term practice exams, which I agreed to do when I thought I was being paid per hour that I was at the school – as opposed to the just the time that I’m in the classroom. Am I expected to write those exams on my own time – probably about 12-15 hours of work? The reactions included thoughts like, “This guy knows exactly what he’s doing and he has been deceptive”; “He is trying to cheat me”; “Where am I able to retaliate?” In comparison to what the reactions would have been or probably were a year or two ago, I’d say today’s level was reduced by about a half – yet only because I focused on breathing and stopping the nasty thoughts – for which I was only partially successful. It’s like there is still this nasty being (of fear) within me that tries to come out in times that something doesn’t go my way in regards to a two-way situation, and it’s still not enjoyable at all. What I still have to understand is that it isn’t about meanings or intentions; it’s about the consequences as in are they acceptable or that which is best for all involved. Hell, in today’s climate of money/greed related suffering I’m still thankful to have opportunities to work. In capitalism, one’s worth to a business is no more than the least amount of money that he or she can be replaced by, factoring in of-course other related subjective costs; thus leaving me with fifty-fifty odds that I will have a job on Monday, kind of like a quantum job – maybe it’s there yet I won’t know for certain until I physically verify it by making it so.
As for the reactions; they are the same that I’ve been dealing with off and on for a long time, not as strong as they used to be, but only because I just didn’t allow the monster out of the cage. I fear that I’m not in control anymore. The management style at this school is hands-on top-down, yet without so many decision makers in between. I would say that the school is well managed in that the students appear learn the material, feel safe and appear to enjoy themselves. Additionally I do not feel as though I am irreplaceable. To a large extent there doesn’t seem to be very much expected of the foreign teachers. My case may be a bit different because I’m teaching a new program of Math and Science and the position I’m in requires that I either hold a teaching certificate or a marriage resident-visa. Putting myself in a management perspective it’s simply a question of spending a little extra money to keep me (which isn’t as much as I thought it was), or saving money and giving more work to the other teachers, perhaps operating without a reserve. If it were me I would pay the extra money to have the reserve and the experienced teacher. Yet as I have no contract and I’m not the one making the decisions at the top, thus I don’t feel in control of my position there. It’s all about personalities, yet I’m still not clear how to affectingly eliminate them. So for now I’ll just continue picking at fragments, breaking down the personalty. As I haven’t yet gotten through all the components of a personality, I’m for now just going to focus on the starting point of all the components, Fear.
Self-forgiveness pertaining to Fear of not being in control
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upon noticing that there was a problem with my pay, react by going into the mind in spite and blame, searching for deception in another, and within this not see/realize and understand in that moment that what I was in fact perceiving was all me. I now see/realize and understand that within me as the mind I have always looked outward for cause, instead of looking inward for responsibility. I commit myself to (as consciousness) stop looking outward for cause and in this I reverse my seeing in word and deed, unto me – as in I take responsibility for “all” as me. I as hereby reverse my outward-view of “all” as cause, to an inner/outer understanding of me as cause – now responsible for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on internal conversations regarding another and the possibility that he is trying to cheat me. I now (within seeing inward) see/realize and understand that only I can cheat me by not taking responsibility for me and all as me. Within this I understand that I am the cause and affect/consequences as in that which accept and allow of me and all as me. I hereby reaffirm my the principles by which I have committed to walk this process to life/living in the physical: self-honesty in alignment of thought, word and deed so that my relationships with others/all are free of deception.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop, breathe, and patiently await more information, as I see/realize and understand that mistakes happen, and until I have all the information it is useless and harmful for me to use/feed the mind in search of answers. Thus, I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to participate anymore in the backchat or the if this then that character as I see/realize and understand that if I accept and allow myself to participate I have fallen into a mind trap of energy consumption – harming me as physicality.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply remain here within and as breath in the understanding that whatever the result I remain and I self-honestly walk. In this I commit myself to be self-honest in this and all situations, and to solving this situation and all other situations in a manner that is best/fair for all participants.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in calculating the possible scenarios, hope for the one that I deemed to be the best. Within this I see/realize and understand that hope is like the last mistake a dying human being ever makes. Thus I commit myself to stop the hoping for good intentions and or that things will go my way, and in this I commit myself to remain true to the principles for which I am committed to stand as and walk with – solutions that are best for all partied involved.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as knowing exactly what he was doing in being deceptive and trying to cheat me. Within this I see/realize and understand that there are two sides of every agreement/argument, and the only side that I have control of and over is my side. Thus I commit myself to stop judging the other side, as I realize that judgments of another are self-judgments. Instead I will focus only on what is physically here, planting myself on the ground.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of my work/income and that in this I reacted by projecting blame onto another and back-chatting about possible means of regaining the feeling of being in control – how I could extract revenge so as to say, “this is what happens when you take my control away form me.” Within this I see/realize and understand that nobody is able to play games with me unless I agree to participate in such games, and through this I realize and accept my responsibility in allowing these games to be played. Thus, I hereby stop my participation in the game of deception as in withholding and or not asking for information so as to keep my options open. Specifically, from here on out I as an employee will express myself clearly and not accept and allow anything less from an employer; let the stones fall where they fall, I will myself know exactly where I stand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the feeling (defined as being irreplaceable) of being in control of my work situation, and within this I see/realize and understand that I had defined myself in relation to that which is separate from me and thus given-up control of my situation to that which I have no control over. Within this I commit myself to let go of my perception that I am in control of my surroundings, and to walk in self-honesty / honesty with others as I see/realize and understand that I may only control my self direction – who I am in each moment, thus here and now is the place to always direct myself to stand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that factors beyond my control, control me and within this I see/realize and understand that it’s not about control, it’s about self direction – who I am in every moment, thus I reaffirm my commitment to direct me in all situations to a solution that is equally best for all participants. Within this I realize and accept that giving as I would receive is an essential component of equality-based life.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within back-chatting about extracting revenge, and within this I see/realize and understand that the fear – back-chatting that someone is trying to cheat me, looking for means of revenge, justifying my position, etc., are of a personality of consciousness within/as me that I have accepted and allowed to move me: blaming and spiting yet never taking responsibility, ever searching for more/energy for only itself. Thus I commit myself to as Life, the mind and the physical, energy and substance take responsibility for my actions that I have accepted and allowed within and as me, and stop / not allow myself to participate within and as the starting point of fear, as I now clearly see/realize and understand that the key to living/life is in letting go of fear.
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