Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

October 18, 2012

Day 59: Exploring and Facing Fear, part 3

Continuing with my writings on Fear: I now see that what I’ve experienced over the last week goes much deeper than it first appeared to on the surface; I guess it would, being that it is “fear” that I’m addressing. To recap last week: when I received my pay I realized that it was almost 30% less than I had figured it should have been. My employer subsequently informed me that I was only being paid the minutes that I was in the classroom, i.e., not from the time I was told to clock in and not for the ten minutes between classes. Additionally, I was then informed that it is my duty to write four different Science/Math midterm exams and four different practice exams, which I would also not be paid for. The part about paying me for only the time that I’m in the classroom I am willing to accept, however the idea that I should write exams – 12-20 hours of work, for classes that I’m only teaching 2-4 hours per week, is (to me) blackmail, like saying that if I want this work then I have to do that work for free. My options as I saw it were to either do the work and keep the job, or don’t do the work and risk getting fired. I want to keep the job because of the income and I enjoy the students. Yet as I see it, to give into such demands, abusive labor practices as I see it (the likes that I am becoming more and more familiar with these days), would be like me allowing abuse, which as it takes two to abuse is abuse in itself. So when confronted by the boss on the issue of doing the exams, I said that I would look on the publication’s website to see if they have exams, which in keeping with Chinese tradition of not directly refusing, means, “No, I’m not going to do it.” Of course, when looking at what I experienced over the last week – how much of it was real and how much of it was mind-energy created illusion, I see that just about all of it was mind-frack. I knew that – while it was happening, yet only managed to stop a percentage of that frack, why? The first answer that comes to mind is money. What many (as I see it) have yet to realize – especially in regards to why it’s so hard for people to change, even those that have money (i.e., are not yet in survival mode) is because ‘money’ as the root of all evil within the world system is also as such the root of all fear, Evil = Fear. Even when one has money, if value has been placed in having it, there will be fear – fear of losing what one has and thus not having / not surviving. Taking my case in point, I could go for quite some time without having income, yet the thought of not having that income caused me to react in uncertainty, the fear of not having money – a challenge to my illusion of safety/certainty/security, the fear of not being in control of my situation – illusion merged with the real need for money to survive in the world system, or consciousness merged within and as the physical. Once again I see the absolute necessity of letting go fear so as to no longer be controlled by consciousness/illusion.
To stand one and equal to “this particular point” by letting go of the fear/uncertainty, I’ve draw clear lines within/as me as to what I will accept and will not accept, which interestingly in terms of working without compensation, is now much less flexible than it was before this incident, because as I now see it, any abuse that I allow unto me by this boss is abuse that I am responsible for – making me just as much an abuser. I do realize that there are those who are not in positions to say, “No;” and in such cases it’s not that they’re perpetuating abuse as much as it is that they are simply trying to survive and do not have the options I currently have. I’ve written about this before, as in “who will stand up against the abuse while they are still able to stand, while they are still in the grace of money.”
I have realized a few things from this experience. The first is that I’m way less stable than I thought I was; unfortunately the only way to really see how one will stand in different situations is to stand in those and or similar situations. A mistake that I have long made is to view strength/stability, as in strength/stability when attacking or being attacked as in waging war, and within this not see that real strength/stability is in being/remaining here, self-directed, unchanged and unmoved. The second lesson that I’ve learned and put into practice is the process of, when directing a situation within the question of what is best for all involved, to place self in the shoes of another so as to maintain or strive for equality. In other words, while I was debating (in my mind) how I should proceed, I questioned whether I was being self-centered – perhaps it was my duty to write those exams without pay, I just wasn’t sure. Finally it occurred to me to (as I’ve often written) place myself into the shoes of the other, the boss. In doing this I realized with certainty (because I’ve been the boss/principal of a for-profit school, before) that what he was asking me to do – in writing those exams on my own time is/was abuse – plain and simple. It’s been a learning experience in that, like the last big elementary school that I worked at, they both represent a world money system that has failed life and is currently in its final stages of implosion. Within the world system, until people wake and change/stop the way they participate, it’s only to get worse – the parasite/money having fed on everything else, then feeds on itself.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop the internal conversations – threats, play-outs, etc., when confronted with a situation in which I viewed my environment as changing/uncertain. Within this I see/realize and understand that the environment will always change, yet this does not mean that I must be moved or accept that I can be moved. Each encounter is an opportunity for me remain stable and direct myself and the situation to a resolution that is best for all involved. I commit myself to when and as my environment does change, stop, breathe and not allow myself to jump to conclusions, but to gather information, place myself in the shoes of all those involved, decide on a course of action that is best for all, and implement that course of action. I commit myself to (within each situation or external change) reducing and stopping my participation in the mind, so that eventually I’m walking only in the physical. I now see/realize and understand that challenges / changes are opportunities for me to transcend points of fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more money I have, the less fear I will have, and within this not see/realize and understand that in the world system, money is the manifestation representation of fear. I now see/realize and understand that in basing my standing on money, I am insuring a standing aligned within/as fear. Thus I commit myself to stop my alignment with money, and realign myself to stand/walk within the world system as what here in the present, the opportunity to direct myself to self-honestly live as/for that which is best for all – it’s all always in/as the present – lived or wasted. The future is like my quantum job – it doesn’t even exist until I’ve realized/created it into existence with each breath.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that my view/interpretation of reality will probably get much worse before it gets better. This is because I am currently unaware of the extent of destruction/degradation to the physical reality, and in becoming aware it is obviously going to “feel/appear” worse. Thus I commit myself to walk through the changes to my view of reality to actually seeing what is here, and in this realizing / accepting my responsibility in what has been, all the while directing myself / staying on course to participate bring about changes, creating a world based on the foundation that all life is equal and one.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to the extent that I have yet to fully implement a solution/resolution without the experience of fear. Within this I see/realize and understand that my process of standing one and equal to fear must be walked in real space time for some time to be certain that my stance is solidified. Thus I commit myself to walk and if/when I fall, stand up and walk and walk, not stopping until all are equally walking as one.


1 Comment »

  1. cool thanks for sharing!

    Comment by bella — October 19, 2012 @ 3:18 pm

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