Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

March 3, 2013

Day 102: Tracking down, Shame

I going to delve deeper into the meaning of the word, shame. Why, because, as the little boy said as he ran back into the house of the monster pig-headed man, “The party’s just getting started and that’s where the fun is!” He was right; the most fun always is – in a relative way, where the mind/system tells you not to go.
Shame, shame, shame: it’s a shame I haven’t, but for fleeting moments, allowed myself to go there, see, realize and understand Shame. Few on this earth have allowed themselves to go there, which is actually “here” because to understand shame, like truth, one must stand equal to all that is here, seeing/being as one, the shame of ourselves, the one truth (as there is and has always been only one) of our existence. I won’t waste time speaking of “shame” in terms of religious/cultural/spiritual programming; instead I’ll just get right to the point of what it is I fear about allowing myself to take responsibility for all that is here, and the shame that I am for allowing me and all as me to be as we are. Confused yet? It’s just me as the mind, racing around, looking for a door to get us the hell out of here.
I have always known that in essence, I (and I would guess everyone else, too) have the ability to do anything. I have always (as far back as I could remember) known that we are all gods. For god’s-sake, it’s just simple logic: anything and everything that is created is created of and as it’s creator, i.e., if you have to source the materials, then it’s not your creation, but an ensemble of sorts. Programmed organic robots or not, we’re still the ones that destroyed and built what is here, and therefore are responsible for what is here. And herein we lie shamed that after all this time, instead of adding value by planting seeds, enjoying the fruits, caring for earth, and then returning ourselves/our bodies to the dirt, we drill holes to suck it’s blood dry, and even in-death refuse to give back anything, lying for one last time in lead-lined coffins, our fates forever sealed.
For me, shame is knowing that I am able to change Everything (again, simple mathematics – any point within and as the whole, that changes itself, changes the whole) Yet I choose to move so slowly that if I were able to see, I would see the turtles and snails waving as they pass me by. Some people hide in ignorance – hope, love and light, expecting that their holy wishes and prayers are somehow going to make things right, which of course they won’t because if they were going to, they would already have, and clearly they haven’t. I hide behind doubt and distrust, the fear of letting-down my so guard/facade, thinking that I’ll pretend I’m one of them, like a piece of the system that slowly bides its time, waiting for the moment to then spring forth and tear down the wall. Yet, to be that which I would be is to create me to be it. Thus, sooner or later I too must come out of the proverbial closet and stand and face all of me, the shame as what I/have accepted and allowed ourselves and this world to, so as to finally turn the tides of Time, to be and become more than was before. And so it has been, around and round I go with my words, a thousand words of re-arranged excuses just to get to one little point of understanding; and molecules and molecules to go… before I actually awake. Incomprehensible? You should have seen what it was like before I started righting my relationship to me, myself and I.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself/my responsibility to all that is here, and within this not stand and change what is here as me. I see, realize and understand that the fear is of losing my position in the system, that the system may retaliate against those who do not bow-down, worship, hope and pray. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being partially cast-out of the system: to lose everything is freedom, to lose just a little at a time is torture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to let go of that which I value/fear is to return to me that which I have given up as value. In this I commit myself to stand and face the system, not from behind a mask, but as me, and walk through this evil that so many call life, so to reverse it to a way where no one need hide in fear – even from shame.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from shame as though it’s something to be ashamed of which it is, yet lying in feigned ignorance will only prolong the pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is actually nothing to fear, not even fear itself. I see, realize and understand that fear of seeing what is here has kept me from seeing and changing what is here as me, and with this I commit myself to face this shame, not with fear, but the courage to explore and express me, not beholden to a system that is not based on what is best for all.
  • I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively forget so as to remain ignorant in the interests of mine. I see, realize and understand the memory of all that I am is here within and as me, and that I am able to open it up, explore it, forgive myself and change what is, so that I/we never never shame ourselves again. In this I commit myself to look and see all and everything of me, forgive myself for that which I have accepted and allowed in the name of self-interest, and stand for and as what is best for all.
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