Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

December 23, 2013

Today’s writing, December 23, 2013

Filed under: seven year journey to life — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 1:08 pm

Throughout most of last week, I noticed an usual amount of energy, kind of like a form of anxiety trying to build up and take hole. No, it wasn’t due to the holiday season, it was more subliminal, like fear of an uncertain commitment. Dreams have also been more extensive this week, like I’m in places that I’ve been to before, speaking in languages that I understood in the dreams but wasn’t able to specifically translate when I awoke. No more vampire or end of the world dreams though, which is interesting given the amount of end of the world zombie scenarios I’ve been watching.

I would say that everything of thoughts, feelings/emotions/energies of the mind that we experience do have connections/roots into their origin/source – that which matters, that which is real, that which remain here as substance, the physical reality. However, as we have muddled the waters of our minds to such a degree, our words that should be creating harmony often end up causing/creating individualized to collective chaos on a worldwide scale.

Anyway, I write a lot of stuff that I would say is kind of technical – in that I consider most of the words that I write and (usually) every single word that I post. It’s a personal process of writing and looking at the words, their various meanings, symbols/letters, sounds and energies or frequencies that I may have written into/as the words. I guess – as guests do – how to place these words so as to create beneficial outflows. My goal is more than just to write/right me; it’s also to place words into and as the physical reality and the collective consciousness of humans so as to assist/support the physical reality,  and also assist/support consciousness as me to realize/see self as one with and of substance, this physical reality.

I’m not really sure if I as my words are having the best overall effect or if I’m even doing anything more than writing/righting me; either way, I/we might as well begin somewhere, here. There probably is an easier way to figure out how to use words; I’m sure there is. However, the easiest way – like spelling words without first understanding self as the source of such words – can be quite consequential and even harmful. I’ve written a blog, part of my story  on experimenting with words while not yet standing equal with/as the source of them. It was an interesting eye opener.

Continuing along the lines of words, not too long ago I spoke of targeting our words and deeds unto points within/as the world system so as to maximize the effect of such words and deeds. I am not certain that this would speed up the process of sowing the whole/hole back together; it might only rearrange the consequences or sequence of events/changes. Additionally, before targeting words, it’s important to be standing to a certain degree so as to be prepared for the opportunities and/or consequences that may arise and/or befall. What I was really doing by putting this “point of targeting” out there was just that, putting it out there.

So, I’m going to leave this here as the continuation of blogging from the maze to become more visible so as to allow others to see the degree of Integrity within and as which I stand and/or fall.

Desteni

March 12, 2013

Day 105: Anxiety, Anxiousness, Excitement…

As I’ve stated many times before, although it may appear in different shapes and sizes, it’s always only just Fear. It comes, and even though I rarely give it more than a fraction of a second to check what it’s pertaining to, it often still lingers. Using a technique I learned here, I get rid of it or absorb it back into me. Actually, I’m not really sure where it goes, but it does go…, and sometimes return. The key that I’ve begun realizing is that it (the energy) is not who I am; of this I am certain because I am able choose not to follow it. Thus, I don’t follow it, and although my presence as energy is still often there instead of here in and as the physical, I am more and more rarely moved by it. In other words, I do what I do and am going to do, without allowing the mind energies to interfere.
What I find very interesting is that I see how this world changes, how we create from the small to the big. Yet, when I speak of it to others, there comes resistance to even the simplest of equations. It’s like the concept, the whole being equal to the sum of its parts, only applies to a 360 degree circle on a piece of paper. Move it into and as the “whole” physical reality, and it suddenly becomes a religion or a conspiracy theory, as though it cannot be because it’s gotta be far more complicated than all of us having to take individual responsibility for ourselves as points within and as the whole, and the whole as a point that we are all equally responsible for and able to change as we change ourselves. Thus as a whole, nothing gets better in this world because the mass of ignorance/abuse still far exceeds the mass of self-change that will benefit the whole. Still it’s cool (for me) because although the changes that I face and push through are usually uncomfortable, I am certain they are beneficial both in the short and long term to me and all else.
In a world in reverse, words of common-sense (of physically applied simple-mathematics) are shunned in favor of the illusions of love and light, happiness, etc., which allow the user/abuser the freedom of choice to view in a mode that doesn’t require responsibility or even physical reality, just a mind and an idea of what one cares and wants to see. I see the changes taking place in this world – for better or worse, most of it worse: the little things/consequences that so many have come to accept as norm, believing/hoping as in the past, that they will stay one step ahead of the game because they/we are somehow special. Good luck there! We then think/want to believe that there are those – at least a few, controlling what happens in this world, and so whatever happens will be theirs alone to atone. Shame that so many refuse to apply the simplest of mathematics: 1+1=2, meaning that each and every one of us are creating the outcome/sum of what is here. And even though many have sold their peace of the pie/the right to decide to another, in the end each of us is responsible for weapons as ourselves and we do decide what we accept and allow, buy and sell.
Sometimes when I am facing a point, sitting here in my house with enough food to feed ten of us, thinking that my life sometimes really sucks, the idea occurs to me that any time I could escape all of this by just embracing the ignorance – the light of the illusion. Then, in looking back at the reality of how I have been, I realize that I do not recall ever being better. So I continue, determined to see what’s really in a lifetime.
Self forgiveness on participating in Polarities
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define as positive, knowing that my schedule is flexible in the near future, and within this not realize that I was also the negative experience directed at not having a flexible schedule.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define having a flexible schedule or not being obligated to do something as “positive/freedom”, and within this not see, realize and understand that when I defined freedom as a positive experience I was also committing myself to the negative experience – defined as not being free. I see, realize and understand that “freedom” is without polarity, and thus I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to define space-time activities within and as polarities, and instead walk without judgment/definitions so as to not subject myself to the positive/negative poles of experience.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define “having” to go to do something in the near future as negative, thus subjecting myself to the experience of anxiousness/anxiety. I now see, realize and understand that by defining my Time as positive/negative, I tie myself to time and thus abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in/as the present/moment. I also realize that to be responsible within and as self-directing me is to be simply be here without polarities – without charge. When and as I find myself defining time or anything else within and as a polarity, I stop, breathe, let go of the energies, and direct myself to accomplish what I’m doing, stable, without energy.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness in my solar-plexus area, and within this not see, realize and understand that I have the ability to stand equal to this energy, and direct it so that I am not moved by it. When and as I find myself at the point of feeling/experiencing energy accumulating within/as me, I take a couple of breaths, and direct this energy as me.

March 9, 2013

Day 103: Letting go of the "Idea" of Freedom

Filed under: Desteni I process, Journey to life, seven year journey to life — Thomas La Grua @ 11:09 am

Recently I’ve been dreaming about Mexico. It’s actually an encompassing experience/definition that I have of Central America, but mostly it pertains to Mexico, my experiences there of. The closest word that comes up is “freedom,” which is kind of silly because most of the time I just seemed to be on the move/run, plotting how to make money, have fun and get away before anyone caught on, before I wore-out my welcome. I was always convinced that the longer I stayed in one place, the more likely it was that someone would recognize the manipulation, reasoning or rezoning behind the facade innocence. Looking back, perhaps I was innocent, perhaps I just thought myself slick, and that I didn’t really get over on that many at all. Perhaps the boarder patrol, army, Federales, etc., simply realized that my crimes weren’t crimes at all, but standard procedure – getting by in an corrupt abusive system. It’s interesting, even today to go to a third world country such as the Philippines, Mexico, India, and now the US – lol, and see how wealthy the upper class really is. As a foreigner and someone for whom role-playing and manipulation always come easy – as long as there was something in it for me, it was always really easy to get in and see how the upper percentage lived. Quite often, the next day I would find myself en el campo con los campesinos (peasoants). Without a doubt, I had always felt safer and had more fun on the ground with the poor than I ever did in the air with the rich. With people who have nothing extra to give, it’s always clear where they stand by what they do give, and that’s real giving. This dream or the likes of it that I occasionally have wherein I’m with my car, the open road, the fields and people I meet, the smell of adventure and the allure of freedom/escape; it’s like my mind is trying to rationalize why I would care to give up that kind of trip for this, a journey of words. It’s not that my experience on earth has become better or worse, it’s simply that I’ve begun to see and hear without the interpreter. I watch how dogs and other animals communicate; no words are spoken, yet the say themselves. Imagine how live would be if we simply turned our the words, perhaps then we’d see.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to project onto Mexico and Central America an idea of freedom, and within this not see, realize and understand that the idea of freedom I created in my mind was just that, an idea as in a polarity of confinement/work/commitment. Within this I now realize that, as I had judged times/experiences such as working, going to school, etc., as negative, so too would I end up having a definition as positive/freedom. In this I commit myself to no longer allow myself to define myself as an experience or anything else.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to living is in/as the words themselves: live what you speak, and speak what you live. Within this, I realize that thoughts that are not immediately spoken/lived are a waste of life.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to being is not in/as seeing, but in/as being one with all that is here, and to be one with all that is here is to simply stop participating within and as that which is not here – mind/energy.

March 6, 2013

Day 103: Polarities, Freedom vs. Survival


I’ve written about shame, the place within/as me, us all that we dare not go, because to do so would mean giving up the illusion, having to face ourselves, and take responsibility with no strings attached. I realize that much of what I speak/write is still but ideas based in the illusion/mind/energy; this is my quest/journey to the truth of me. I know where my shame lies, and this is where I’m heading, layer by layer.
Currently, I’m focused on the polarity-layer I’ve defined as Survival vs. Freedom. The battle between these two concepts (survival having a negative charge, and freedom having a positive charge) has defined my entire life from the age of about 7. Survival of course means having money, which requires that I at times give-up that which I have defined as freedom, and enter into the system to work or play the money game. Why am I not free in the process of acquiring money? Because I’ve given positive definitions/energetic charges to my idea of freedom. Unfortunately, according to the law of polarity or balance, the experience of the positive (even in the illusion of/as mind) is defined by its polar opposite. In other words, that I’ve defined and participated within and as the experience of Freedom as a positive energy, requires that I also experience its equal opposite or negative energy. Thus, I’m left to also endure the negative – restriction/control/limitation. In short (as much as I have enjoyed teaching), because I had defined “not working” as a positive experience/freedom, I had tied myself to also experiencing the negative. If only I had known; if only I had understood. Yet, as I’ve always said, it’s never too late to change.
I’ve written a basic mind construct on this topic and applied self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to the point that, I’ve stopped participating in most of the energies associated with finding work and working, and I’ve stopped compromising myself, i.e., agreeing to do stuff for the sake of having a job and or avoiding conflict. Now, I’m going to write self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements directed at the polarities within and as which I’ve defined my space-time, so as to release the charges/definitions I’ve given to these two states of mind, so as to no longer participate in the roller-coaster ride of the world system/mind.
Self forgiveness based on Polarities
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as positive, knowing that my schedule is flexible in the near future.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define having a flexible schedule or not being obligated to do something as “positive/freedom”, and within this not see, realize and understand that when I allowed the positive experience I was also committing myself to experience the negative as in – not being free/being obligated/having to go to work. Within this I see, realize and understand that true freedom is without polarity, not defined. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to define myself, my space-time activities within and as polarities, and instead to walk/accomplish what I.m involved in, without judgment/definitions, so as to stop the roller-coaster ride.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define “having to go to work in the near future” as negative, thus subjecting myself to the experience of anxiousness/anxiety. I now see, realize and understand that by defining my Time as positive/negative, I tie myself to time and thus abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in/as the present/moment. Within this, I now see, realize and understand that to be responsible – self-directing me, is to be without polarities. When and as I find myself defining time or anything else within and as a polarity, I stop, breathe, let go of the energies, and direct myself to accomplish what I’m doing, stable, without energy.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define my experience on the morning of going to work, as a positive because there is no uncertainty/waiting/expecting a time to end/begin.

March 2, 2013

Day 101: Shame Rant

Filed under: Desteni I process, DIP, La Grua, Self forgiveness, seven year journey to life, shame — Thomas La Grua @ 8:32 pm

Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame on You! What you gonna do when they come for you? What you gonna do when you stand in front of that mirror, ask yourself why you didn’t stand up for your brothers and sisters – the blood of you? Where were you when the hungry cried? Where where you when the oceans died, the last tree fell, and babies cried? Where were you when the bombs subsided; what side of the two-headed coin did you choose? Hollywood, sell some cheap glue to the ghetto boys and sing the blues. Where was I and where were you; shame we didn’t arrive in time.
Inside the mind of a man who has not found his shame. It’s there, I can feel it and see it, but it’s too dangerous bring it up. The system sees shame, as with honesty, as a weakness to be trounced upon, outcast/cutoff from the spoils, nothing more for the conscientious traitors. “Go die with the ones that care enough to be what is right and good.”
  • The Black hole, everyone must have one, that place we dare not go because, because, because; why?
  • Why not explore the deepest of dark holes? Because of course, you might fall in, get lost and never return.
  • How could I possible loose myself, unless myself is not really me, but a program designed to get me to believe it is me?
  • It’s you alright, and you go down that rabbit hole, you ain’t never coming back.
  • What is Shame, real shame, and why haven’t I found mine?
  • Shame in the system is like having no money, or talking to people who aren’t there (unless of-course you make a cartoon out of it – in which case they reward you with money), it’s not politically correct, and you might get put away; you’ll  definitely lose ALL your MONEY! They – the system, just take it away, and your friends will refuse to even ReCogNize you.
  • Shame is a lonely road where only the bold may go, and once you go, you never come back.

February 27, 2013

Day 101:

Filed under: Desteni I process, DIP, Equal Money Capitalism, seven year journey to life — Thomas La Grua @ 11:07 pm

Interestingly, when I scan back through much of my life, and recall the points of wanting/needing something, striving for it and getting it, I realize that those points were all of the starting point of mind/energy/fear, projected onto a goal, leading me to physically move myself to achieve that goal. And then after a fleeting moment of relief/accomplishment/security projected onto a point of having achieved something, the next challenge/want/need/desire would come along. And so it has been: me chasing an idea/image of me that I had created in my mind, believing/hoping that obtaining these goals would lead to some form of real satisfaction/contentment/happiness that remained forever as who I am. But it never stayed because it was never me, just experiences, mined/energy defined, accepted and allowed by me because I believed it to be real. It’s a vicious cycle, believing that we are all entitled to more and more and more.
So much waste; why don’t we human beings simply open our eyes and deal with the reality that is here, instead of chasing our wants/needs/desires – fear based illusions, of the mind? Why is it that so few of us seem to realize or care that, within a closed system with limited resources, the “more” we get and have, the less there is for the rest? The statistics are easy to easy enough to read: 22,000 children dying needlessly each day due to poverty; three-billion living on less than $2.50 a day, dead zones in the ocean…, and the list goes on. In case anyone wants to know who’s responsible for all this misery, look no further than me and my TV’s, computers, cars, motorcycles…, and the rest of us who sit back in comfortable chairs, thinking, believing that there’s nothing we can do.
In the past, I have been asked “what are you going to do about it?” My answer is quite simple: change myself to become a force that stands for and considers what is best for all. The only way for All to have more is for all to equally have more, equality and oneness. It’s the way we all should have been moving all along, yet somewhere along the line we went wrong – forward in spite and self-interest to arrive at where we are now, a world in reverse. So let’s just right it by writing and walking the change.

February 23, 2013

Day 99: More on Change and the Symbolism of Words

Change, I define as the difference between two or more points. Each point/moment/breath is an opportunity to direct self to become that which One is becoming (Humpty Dumpty putting self back together again), within/as A-wareness: either here in/as the present/gift to be lived, or not here but instead lying in status as Energy/Ion separated from self, lost in the illusION / religION of the mind. Change, as in becoming what one is becoming is a point or points that no longer hide in fear within and as the illusion [ill us(ed) ION] or religion [re lig(ed) ION] of and as energy. Whether the ION experience is positive, negative or neutral does not matter because it is all of the same source/starting point of friction/conflict to transform substance/physicality into mind energy. Change is measurable as the accumulation of breath/moments: from that of charged particles/mind/ion, to awareness equal and One with all that is physically here in and as the present. From here, the obvious key is to remain here, unchanged and unchained, innocent and free of all charges.
I enjoy exploring words, the sound/physical energy symbolism imbedded into and as the words themselves. Words are part of the code by which we as human beings are programmed. What is cool is that, once we realize that our words are who we are and thus – our responsibility to and as such words, we are then (through writing and speaking) able to change ourselves to become self-directed physical beings living for and as what is best for all. In other words, it’s all in the words, and within understanding our words, we are able to self-direct ourselves to redefine/change our words, thus changing ourselves and becoming living words that create outflows that are best for all.
Self-forgiveness
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every word that I think, speak and/or write will create within and as it, outflows either of consequence or that which is best for all. Within this, I see, realize and understand that to stand as what is best for all, is to be – think/speak/write, only words that will create outflows that will be best for all. In this, I commit myself to guard/monitor my thoughts, words and deeds so as to become the change that is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in moments/breathes, not be here and as such, miss opportunities to direct myself here in/as the physical. I see, realize and understand that within this life, opportunities are limited, and within this I commit myself to be more diligent – aware of the moments as breaths, so as to move me out of the mind’s energy and into physical living.

February 20, 2013

Day 97: Writing to Right

Filed under: Blame, Desteni I process, Self forgiveness, seven year journey to life — Thomas La Grua @ 6:43 pm

Mine eyes have perceived an image of me, and although I’ve perceived there may be worse, I realize there is much more to me than just this perception. I no longer agree to view images through the TV inside/as my mind; I will see, being that which is here. If only it were as simple as speaking/writing the words: “I’ll bet it is,” says the little voice in my head, “there’s always a back door, a shortcut to bypass those suckers.” To which I respond, “That would be death, and it’s probably just another trap.”
This is the kind of stuff I write (yet only sometimes post) when the energy inside of me wants to whine – do anything else but write out the the energies – big and small that curse through the veins. I would have thought that after having forty plus years of experience dealing with and often ignoring the energy inside, this energy itself would have given up. But no, it persist because like me who insist on righting it, we’re both one in the same. Kind of cool, walking with myself to overcome my self ego-I to win this war, even without the use of a backdoor program. After all, what kind of programmer would I be is I wasn’t able to deprogram and reprogram me?
This morning when awakening, before opening my eyes, I put my fingers to the eye sockets, nose, and lips. Touching to see without using the mind’s/image. Each time I asked myself “what is this, what am I?” and, like magic an image appeared. I realize that the image that appears in the mind is just a representation of the past, blurred by time, memories of pictures, emotions and feelings. Who am I; what am I without an image in the mind’s eye of me? The answer is easy enough, substance. The image that appears in the mind is just energy derived (so I have learned) by consuming the the physical/being/substance to transform into energy – so as to view and experience the image.
Have a look at the images of Heaven we all keep hidden away in our minds. Most are probably special, the happy place in the mind where everything is going to be OK because one day that’s where we’ll be – with grandma and grandpa, whee! Not mine (image) of heaven; it’s not that sweet. So why, if heaven is such a wonderful place to be, don’t more people just kill themselves and be on their merry way? Because there is doubt: deep down inside they fear a grave mistake has been made, maybe they’ve been conned. Imagine being inside the minds of one of those “praise Jesus Christ” folks. I mean, I see/write what comes out of me, and it’s sometimes fun, but usually not. Yet to even imagine being trapped inside one of those minds that believes/hopes/preys that some god is will come and save them (let alone that they must die for even the opportunity), that’s, that’s just another story. Which, having a look at what I’ve just written (fun/sarcastic) brings me back to a reality wherein, one mind the other, we’re all trapped, coping in our own ways. Honestly, if I ever get out of this place / the mind, my plan is to stay – not just run away; stay until all are free.
I sometimes enjoy writing like this. Fortunately or unfortunately for me, I’ve got more important issues such as writing out the energy that’s been buzzing around in my stomach since this morning. Once again, it has to do with work – keeping my hours down and finding a place close by. What’s interesting is that, since I’ve written this, the energy in my stomach has dissipated even though I didn’t write about the energies themselves; or did I? It’s all in the words, and regardless of what words one uses and or abuses, the essence of the being comes through; perhaps not as clearly as in the spoken word, yet it’s still here. And now I see why it’s so important to write (every day); even though I may write around the subject, I’m still writing, righting me.
Self forgiveness and self corrective statements
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the real – unsimulated me does not require a simulation see me or tell me who I am. Within this, I commit myself to following through on this plan(et) to breaking out of this simulated mind-reality.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the real me / a new me emerges within and as each breath that is without simulation, and the more I am without simulation, the closer I come to seeing/hearing/being here.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to play the game of not seeing and within this game, not take responsibility for all as me. It’s like I got so used to the game simulation that I’ve been afraid to return, fearing it’s too late to go back, and within this not realize that it’s not about going back, but about stopping the energy and moving myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be labeled, identified as a singularity, separate from all that is one me.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to energize myself into “thinking” that it’s time to find a job, instead of simply moving myself to go an find a place that I’d like to work. I see, realize and understand that moving myself in this reality does not require energy, just some practice. Within this I commit myself to (tomorrow and the next day, and so on) to moving myself without (or at least less and less) energy.

February 19, 2013

Day 96: Energy Entity

Filed under: desteni, Desteni I process, DIP, La Grua, Self forgiveness, seven year journey to life — Thomas La Grua @ 10:38 pm


The other day I reacted to seeing one of my posts reposed. Illogical yes, but that’s what reactions are, illogical. It was an energy-entity type reaction, not so much associated with a personality as much as it was latent unaddressed guilt for having judged myself as not moving/asserting myself equal to my ability. By, “asserting myself” I’m referring to: posting blogs everyday, writing self-forgiveness, waking-up humanity, etc. I have all sorts of excuses for not doing more, yet none of them have anything to do with what’s physically here. It’s more as though I’m waiting for something (I picked that up from one of the Atlantean interviews, and seems to fit).    I have been waiting for something; I just don’t know what it is or how long I’ve been waiting, and now I’ve begun to wonder if “waiting” isn’t just another mind construct designed to keep me stuck in limbo, just waiting for the right moment.
Getting back to my reaction: I was quite surprised because I saw myself as having just gotten over a hump – kind of like transcending some points, and suddenly there I was, reacting. What is also interesting is that, after looking at what I had reacted to, I realized that my reactions were completely unfounded – based totally on my own suppressed self-judgment and guilt. After half an hour or so I had stabilized myself, yet I realized that the cause / starting point of this energy-entity is probably still lurking within me. So, my plan is to target it with self-forgiveness while at the same time, digging deeper into what it is that I’m waiting for, why is it that I spend so much time in wait. I’ve always seen myself as being capable of accomplishing absolutely anything and everything that I determined to accomplish. Perhaps that’s the problem, deep down inside I fear exposing the image of myself as just that, an image.
One thing that I appreciate is that, the points to be dealt with, generally don’t come up all at once, they come up when I’m ready to face them. Also the Eqafeinterviews: I used to see them as knowledge and information, the secrets of the universe, and now I’m more noticing the assistance they provide. I have a budget to listen to only so many of those per month, and with a library to choose from it has sometimes been hit or miss, especially when I “think” about which ones to choose. So, these days I just look for titles that stand out/ring a bell, and this method seems to be working. Information and assistance all is right here; seeing it is just a point of standing equal to it, being ready to here.
Self-forgiveness
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to react in guilt – fearing that I had been called-out/caught/busted, and within this not see, realize and understand that the point of guilt is the part of me that knows what I require to do, yet isn’t doing it. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that doing is also the point of learning to do; it’s like the chicken and the egg, they both moved at the same time, and so too must I do so as to learn how to do it; i.e., write self-forgiveness to see what it is that I require to write. Within this, I now see, realize and understand that the writing self-forgiveness is also the process of seeing what it is that needs to be written; doing it is just a question of writing and seeing what gets written. Therefore, when and as I find myself at the point of “not having an idea about what to write self-forgiveness on; I stop the thoughts and simply begin typing and see what comes out of me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as guilt for not moving myself according to my response abilities, and within this not realize and understand that it’s not necessary for me to always wait for points to come up as energy; I am able to pull them out by targeting personalities, expanding on the little points, etc., until something comes up. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only the big reactions are worth writing about, and within this, miss the little points – which are actually the big points. In this, I commit myself to stop waiting for the points to come out of me, and go inside the mind and find them.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not moving/asserting myself equal to my ability to do so, and within this not see that my self-judgment is the act of me excusing myself to not take self-responsibility for that point. I commit myself to stop this “whatever” attitude, and challenge myself to see where it is that I haven’t been.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m required to wait for the right moment at which point I miraculously manifest myself into a being worthy of life…, and within this not see, realize and understand “my own” tactics of luring myself/opponent into a state of self complacency – believing that there’s plenty of time: mind manipulation used against myself to get what the mind wants, take it easy, sit back and relax. I now see, realize and understand that the only one inside of me is me, and that my state of complacency that I’ve been experiencing for quite some time now is a state of mind, the opposite polarity of worried haste. In this I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the key to being more than before is self movement, consistently challenging myself so as to be more than before. Herein I commit myself to at each point of comfort, challenge myself to explore more within and as what is best/more for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to limit my self determination to points within my comfort zone, and within this not see, realize and understand that I’ve been catering to fear of failure. I now see, realize and understand that in not pushing myself to explore more of me, I was “staying safe,” locked away in fear. Thus, I commit myself to each time I sit down to write/walk/breathe/express, take the exploration just one step further to see what’s here.

February 18, 2013

Day 95: What is Change?

Filed under: Desteni I process, DIP, La Grua, Self forgiveness, seven year journey to life — Thomas La Grua @ 10:09 pm

Looking at humanity’s history of the usage of the word, change, I see that (like most words in this world), it has been used and abused to evoke positive images of more money, prosperity, beauty, etc. While that which physically matters such as the environment, nature, animal kingdom, people, clean air, and so forth, are ignored as if they were not living parts of all that is here. The illusion that banker/politicians and the media propaganda would have us believe is that beneficial changes for all, begin at the top, work their way down, and all that the people need do is borrow and consume. For the human race that has valued only money while ignoring what is here as life, change is and has always been a constant race to the Finish line, self-annihilation, death by consumption. The tell tale signs that we are nearing this finish line are all around us: the water and oil wells are drying up, food stocks are dwindling, and noticeably – instead of expanding the money supply inline with a growing economy, bankers/governments are printing money as though it will magically restore economic growth. It won’t, and nothing short of radical change on the individual and collective levels, is going to save us from finally reaching the finish-line of self-consumption.
Collective Change
On a collective level, real change is change that will benefit ALL aspects of life – animals, plants, humans, etc. It begins with the simple acknowledgment that All life is equal and as such, fighting for the right to have more is a crime against life. Nothing is separate and thus correcting the whole requires addressing needs of each individual piece of the whole. It’s a process that must be walked in space-time and will require that we let go of much – all that we once perceived ourselves to be – as in separation. 
I started writing this with the intent to define change so as to benchmark my process. I now see that change as in where I’m heading is undefined. Interesting.  I have been walking this process of change (with Desteni) for some time now. It’s a cool journey that isn’t always pleasant because it’s a process of letting go of that which I once beLIEved was me; writing-out the pre-programmed aspects of me, forgiving/deleting them so as to let them go, writing the new program in the form of self-corrective statements, and then walking these statements to the point that they become me.
Self forgiveness
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire and search for a definition of “change,” and within this not see, realize and understand that change within/as life is to be lived – not defined. For what is the difference between two points but the steps that are walked in between. Within this I see, realize and understand that no one tell me what change within and as me is, because I’m the one who must walk/live it. Herein I commit myself to let go of my preconceived ideas of change, and instead just live in/as the points where I happen to be.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that change would be easy, and within this not realize that to reverse me, I must first stop me by letting go of that which I thought was me; everything.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to secretly believe that I would be able to hold on to some aspects of me, and within this still not get it – if I have to hold onto it, it isn’t me. Here, I commit myself to explore those aspects of me that I have judged as worth holding onto, and see what happens when I let go of them.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and idea that, the consumer/human race ends with self-consumption, and within this not see, realize and understand that – like me, the future is ultimately determined within/as the present, and as such we are able to change it.
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