Day 102: Tracking down, Shame

I going to delve deeper into the meaning of the word, shame. Why, because, as the little boy said as he ran back into the house of the monster pig-headed man, “The party’s just getting started and that’s where the fun is!” He was right; the most fun always is – in a relative way, where the mind/system tells you not to go.

Shame, shame, shame: it’s a shame I haven’t, but for fleeting moments, allowed myself to go there, see, realize and understand Shame. Few on this earth have allowed themselves to go there, which is actually “here” because to understand shame, like truth, one must stand equal to all that is here, seeing/being as one, the shame of ourselves, the one truth (as there is and has always been only one) of our existence. I won’t waste time speaking of “shame” in terms of religious/cultural/spiritual programming; instead I’ll just get right to the point of what it is I fear about allowing myself to take responsibility for all that is here, and the shame that I am for allowing me and all as me to be as we are. Confused yet? It’s just me as the mind, racing around, looking for a door to get us the hell out of here.

I have always known that in essence, I (and I would guess everyone else, too) have the ability to do anything. I have always (as far back as I could remember) known that we are all gods. For god’s-sake, it’s just simple logic: anything and everything that is created is created of and as it’s creator, i.e., if you have to source the materials, then it’s not your creation, but an ensemble of sorts. Programmed organic robots or not, we’re still the ones that destroyed and built what is here, and therefore are responsible for what is here. And herein we lie shamed that after all this time, instead of adding value by planting seeds, enjoying the fruits, caring for earth, and then returning ourselves/our bodies to the dirt, we drill holes to suck it’s blood dry, and even in-death refuse to give back anything, lying for one last time in lead-lined coffins, our fates forever sealed.

For me, shame is knowing that I am able to change Everything (again, simple mathematics – any point within and as the whole, that changes itself, changes the whole) Yet I choose to move so slowly that if I were able to see, I would see the turtles and snails waving as they pass me by. Some people hide in ignorance – hope, love and light, expecting that their holy wishes and prayers are somehow going to make things right, which of course they won’t because if they were going to, they would already have, and clearly they haven’t. I hide behind doubt and distrust, the fear of letting-down my so guard/facade, thinking that I’ll pretend I’m one of them, like a piece of the system that slowly bides its time, waiting for the moment to then spring forth and tear down the wall. Yet, to be that which I would be is to create me to be it. Thus, sooner or later I too must come out of the proverbial closet and stand and face all of me, the shame as what I/have accepted and allowed ourselves and this world to, so as to finally turn the tides of Time, to be and become more than was before. And so it has been, around and round I go with my words, a thousand words of re-arranged excuses just to get to one little point of understanding; and molecules and molecules to go… before I actually awake. Incomprehensible? You should have seen what it was like before I started righting my relationship to me, myself and I.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself/my responsibility to all that is here, and within this not stand and change what is here as me. I see, realize and understand that the fear is of losing my position in the system, that the system may retaliate against those who do not bow-down, worship, hope and pray. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being partially cast-out of the system: to lose everything is freedom, to lose just a little at a time is torture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that to let go of that which I value/fear is to return to me that which I have given up as value. In this I commit myself to stand and face the system, not from behind a mask, but as me, and walk through this evil that so many call life, so to reverse it to a way where no one need hide in fear – even from shame.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from shame as though it’s something to be ashamed of which it is, yet lying in feigned ignorance will only prolong the pain. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is actually nothing to fear, not even fear itself. I see, realize and understand that fear of seeing what is here has kept me from seeing and changing what is here as me, and with this I commit myself to face this shame, not with fear, but the courage to explore and express me, not beholden to a system that is not based on what is best for all.
• I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to selectively forget so as to remain ignorant in the interests of mine. I see, realize and understand the memory of all that I am is here within and as me, and that I am able to open it up, explore it, forgive myself and change what is, so that I/we never never shame ourselves again. In this I commit myself to look and see all and everything of me, forgive myself for that which I have accepted and allowed in the name of self-interest, and stand for and as what is best for all.

Day 99: More on Change and the Symbolism of Words

Change, I define as the difference between two or more points. Each point/moment/breath is an opportunity to direct self to become that which One is becoming (Humpty Dumpty putting self back together again), within/as A-wareness: either here in/as the present/gift to be lived, or not here but instead lying in status as Energy/Ion separated from self, lost in the illusION / religION of the mind. Change, as in becoming what one is becoming is a point or points that no longer hide in fear within and as the illusion [ill us(ed) ION] or religion [re lig(ed) ION] of and as energy. Whether the ION experience is positive, negative or neutral does not matter because it is all of the same source/starting point of friction/conflict to transform substance/physicality into mind energy. Change is measurable as the accumulation of breath/moments: from that of charged particles/mind/ion, to awareness equal and One with all that is physically here in and as the present. From here, the obvious key is to remain here, unchanged and unchained, innocent and free of all charges.

I enjoy exploring words, the sound/physical energy symbolism imbedded into and as the words themselves. Words are part of the code by which we as human beings are programmed. What is cool is that, once we realize that our words are who we are and thus – our responsibility to and as such words, we are then (through writing and speaking) able to change ourselves to become self-directed physical beings living for and as what is best for all. In other words, it’s all in the words, and within understanding our words, we are able to self-direct ourselves to redefine/change our words, thus changing ourselves and becoming living words that create outflows that are best for all.

Self-forgiveness

• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every word that I think, speak and/or write will create within and as it, outflows either of consequence or that which is best for all. Within this, I see, realize and understand that to stand as what is best for all, is to be – think/speak/write, only words that will create outflows that will be best for all. In this, I commit myself to guard/monitor my thoughts, words and deeds so as to become the change that is best for all.
• I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to in moments/breathes, not be here and as such, miss opportunities to direct myself here in/as the physical. I see, realize and understand that within this life, opportunities are limited, and within this I commit myself to be more diligent – aware of the moments as breaths, so as to move me out of the mind’s energy and into physical living.

Day 44: Details & Communication

A theme that I keep hearing is, “details, details, details.” To walk out of the mind and into the physical, is to understand in detail my mind – which is said to be a mirror as the beingness of me. Thus to understand the details of my mind is to understand me. To transform from the mind directing me based on memories of the past, to me directing me in the present in/as the physical; it is apparently necessary to understand the details of the mind so as to stand equal with it. This makes sense because as it stands now most of us have no clue as to what’s going on in our minds. Thus, how could we even begin to stand equal to something we don’t even understand? So I write to see me as the mind, and then from “this” writing I’ll find that which has been written of the mind – probably most of it. From there I’ll write self-forgiveness statements (so as to delete lines of programming, Bernard Poolman), and then I’ll write self-commitment statements to be accompanied with living the changes so as to become the living statement of my words = living words. 

Today, I made and uploaded a YouTube video, the first one in a long time – more than a one and a half years. The subject was on communication, or should I say my non-usage of communication skills. I have them – for communicating within the system; I just don’t always use them, and as a result my goals concerning others hearing, seeing and responding to me are often not realized – from my perspective. It’s as though I expect others to see me as I see myself, and through this I/we communicate. Although I am making progress, I’m still not sure what is real in terms of communicating with others, and to communicate in terms of me presenting an image of myself to them is to me just a lie. Thus when communicating to others, I often don’t express myself because I have found that many will take offense – especially when the words are not sugar coated with “politeness” as in standing to the side and speaking in a round about manner. It’s strange that in society, people are required to “lie” so as to not offend. I can be efficient at it; however I’d prefer not to play that game – even if it does mean spending most of my time by myself. I do talk to people when I see them, yet as soon as I begin to speak of something that is part of something that I consider to be real within and as me/ the world / existence, they often kind of switch off. Perhaps this is a conundrum – how to get people to here a message from the starting point of an illusion based in the self interest of the mind. If you pull them out of their illusion, then you are acting as god, and all they will end up doing is worshiping something as separate from them and then fall back into their illusion as soon as the “god” disappears. Jesus apparently made that mistake by doing “miracles”, and what happened – people worshiped the man and ignored his message. Not that I am comparing myself to Jesus; on the contrary, I’m simply stating in a wondering way that I agree with the necessity for me as well as all others to direct ourselves to take responsibility for what is here as ourselves. There are guidelines on how to do this (see, Desteni), and as I’ve said before, it is a process, with no guarantees except an opportunity.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to not see/realize and understand that the devil as me is in the details, and to see the devil in/as me is to write out all the details. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that as it was within the details that I have created myself in/as the mind, it will be in the details that I reveal to myself the true nature of me. I see/realize and understand that for me to really understand and stand equal and one to the mind is for me to see the details of me as the mind. Thus, commit myself to writing out one point at a time, in detail so as to take that point to its starting point, and within that – forgive it and let it go so that it is no longer attempting to direct me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the details of each and every thought, emotion and feeling that comes up within the mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the details are not there – that I as mind simply jump from point to point without going through the process within the processor. I see/realize and understand that even though I may not always see the process, the mind does go through them and they are visible. Thus I commit myself to diligently paying attention to the thoughts/feelings and emotions, and to tracking down their origins so as to see the tree in it entirety, and apply self forgiveness, and self corrective living so as to change me to a being stand for and as what is best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that communication skills do not require that I be dishonest; only that I consider the listener in relation to the words I use, so as to align my words with the culture and vocabulary of the listener, so as to convey only that which I am expressing. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my expression is often tainted with self-interest, spite, blame… Thus, I commit myself to when communicating, first clear myself of all thought, feelings, and emotions that may taint my words, and then speak or write, so that my communication is a self-honest expression of me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to see me the way I see me, without even actually even communicating with them, and within this I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to form ideas about individuals in terms of who they are. I see/realize and understand that ideas that I have/create regarding others are just that – ideas that I have created in my mind. Thus, I commit myself to seeing and hearing others, without ideas, preconceptions, pictures, judgments, definitions, interpretations, etc., and within this no longer limit/confine me/them to my mind.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself refrain from communicating with others because I didn’t want to offend them, and within this not see that what I say as an expression of myself, said in self-honesty without judgments/definitions is simply self expression that is me. Through this I commit myself to communicate/express only myself with others.
  Creation’s Journey to Life
  Heaven’s Journey to Life
  Earth’s Journey to Life
  Desteni
  Thomas La Grua

Day 20: Skeletons in the closet: Here’s mud in My face

The title refers to the symbolism of two dreams I recalled upon waking on two separate occasions. Usually I try not to focus on or remember dreams unless their symbolism is immediately apparent; sometimes I’m successful, and sometimes not. On this occasion, it seemed as though I was successful, and then suddenly the symbolism, metaphorically speaking came forth. 

In the Skeletons in the closet dream I was avoiding (by fighting and defeating) something that kept trying to get me. The dream ended with bags of bones being dug up and presented to the people of a village. I was on the other side of the bones, facing the people. In the second dream I was literally running around, playfully, competitively, throwing mud in people’s faces. I sometimes missed, but mostly I hit my target and then move onto the next. Perhaps the symbolism of the two dreams on the same day is that I am throwing insults and with each done deed, another skeleton gets thrown into my closet – the conscious and subconscious layers of my mind. The reason that we have closets is to keep things out of sight out of mind. What’s in my closet?

Throwing mud in people’s faces (metaphorically speaking) is something that I’ve done, overtly and covertly; the only difference between the two is the acceptance of self-honesty / responsibility as and for the directive that caused the outcome – harm unto me and or another/others/all. Within me, there is this voice coming up, saying: “This is bullshit; you don’t need to write about this. Don’t give a shit what others think. If they can’t handle what you say, too bad for them, they’re weak.” And these days, when that voice speaks / tells me not to write, I know I’m right on track. I have used words to establish “my” position of superiority. I didn’t care whether those relative to whom I was establishing such position, saw it or not, but I’ve always imagined that an audience recognized that I had, through cleverly placed words, established that superior position. It just now occurs to me that when writing, I almost never write form a perspective of looking in at me and writing about me; it’s always from a perspective of looking in at me, and writing for an audience: to impress, convince, insult, manipulate… I have used/abused words to harm – as in slinging words towards another and or others. Sometimes I’ve done this in the form of questions designed to evoke emotional responses from the subject of my attack – manipulating someone to become angry, without overtly even attacking them at all. Very evil, as I’ve now seen for quite some time. But has seeing the evil, stopped me from participating within and as it? Consciously/overtly, yes. Unconsciously/covertly, the dreams say otherwise.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that when I write solely for an audience, I am writing to manipulate members of that audience, and within this the question must be asked: is this manipulation that which is best for all or is it for the self-interest of me as ego. I see/realize and understand that writing is a tool to understand and cleanse me of the systems that have plagued and enslaved me, and at this point, for me to write to an audience is as a slave preaching the message of freedom as though he is already set himself free.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the center of attention within and as me as mind, not seeing/realizing and understanding that the mud as words and deeds that I covertly and or overtly sling towards the faces of others is of ego, backchat, the inner face of me. Within this I see/realize and understand that to be free of ego is to freely give unto others that which I would have given to me, i.e., support others as I would be supported – like a child holding another child’s hand as we both cross a busy street.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in writing and speaking, encode within the sentences a stance of superiority, masking the inferiority – that part of me within and as me that I am unaware / not yet standing one with and equal. Within this I forgive myself that I have not yet seen/realized and understood that to effectively write myself out to freedom, I must understand that, when writing about what I see as external/separate from me, I am actually writing of and about me: I create the words, therefore they are me. Thus, I accept responsibility for all as me, and from within and as this stance I will continue to write so that I may see all aspects of me. Then, point by point change me so as to change all as me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the knowledge and information that I possess is actually me, when in reality it’s just knowledge and information possessing me because I have yet to live it as me. I see/realize and understand that knowledge and information must (if we are to reverse the mistakes of this world) be used/lived only in support of that which is best for all in all possible ways.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that,  within and as me is Ego fighting for its survival, the right to spite others, the right to so-called free-choice which is basically the right to commit acts of self-interest = acts which are not in the best interests of all. I see/realize and understand that I am this criminal called Ego – it’s me, and as such only I may rehabilitate/change me to that which walks as an example of that which in all ways possible supports that which is best for all – simplistically, equality and oneness. It’s a breath by breath process that within and as each breath, I clearly see how effectively I am directing me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in order to assist others as me I must humbly do so from a position of striving to live equality and oneness.
• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that my task is to first set myself free so that I may assist others to set themselves free, and then once we are all free, we will all understand the absolute necessity of absolute equality – the key to heaven on earth, harmony.
• I commit myself to writing from a perspective of me writing me for all to see, and within this, the changes that are or aren’t seen will verify who I am and where I stand: as creator of the words, they are the state of me.
• I commit myself to in this process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, ask myself whether these words are words that will measurably contribute to what is best for all, i.e., will they stand the test of time, the test of the mind, the test of Life.

Day 3: Interpretation of Words

I’ve realized that whenever I react to written and or spoken words, those reactions (regardless of whether they are positive or negative) are based on my interpretation of the words. And since my interpretations are based on my definitions, it is logical to conclude that my interpretations are not reliable = cannot be trusted, thus the need for universal agreement on the definitions of words: a project that is currently being undertaken here – The Living Word

Until then, the key for me to not misinterpret words is to not interpret them = do not apply definitions = let the words pass right through me = I remain here, stable, unmoved.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to interpret spoken and or written words, and within this, react to those words.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to apply my definitions to spoken and written words for which there is no agreement between me and the creator of those words, and within this not realize that, my interpretation and the creator’s intended meaning, may be completely different.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use words to communicate with others, without considering whether my definitions are aligned with their definitions, and in doing so not see that (by not having agreement on our definitions), that which we are communicating is subject to interpretation or a breakdown in communication.

• I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that when I react to words, I am in essence allowing myself to be played like a puppet – subject to the strings that I’ve attached as definitions to the words.

I see/realize and understand that the root cause of my reactions to words are the definitions that I’ve given to those words, in separation of who I am as life within and as oneness and equality = the living word. See: http://desteni.org/a/questions-and-perspectives-what-is-the-living-word. I also realize that, when conversing with others with whom there is no agreement on the definitions of our words, there is the likelihood of disagreement (even when the points we are each trying to convey may be exactly the same), leading to a breakdown in communication. My reactions to words are an indication as to where I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in definitions.

Thus:

I commit myself to investigate my reactions to words, so as to see where it is that I have defined/limited self, and to (through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application) direct me to no longer allow myself to be moved/limited by definitions.

I commit myself to (when conversing with others) take the time to establish agreement on the definitions of the words that form the basis of our discussion point/topic.

I commit myself to when reading or listening to words, not allow myself to participate within judgments, beliefs, opinions, etc., pertaining to the creator of those words, but instead, hear and or see the words, without prejudice.