Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

January 12, 2014

A Scrambled State of being

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 2:14 pm

At first I thought that there was a secret code within/as the symbols of the sounds of words. However, what I am now beginning to realize is that, there is no ‘secret’ code, no-one has pulled the veil over my eyes. I’ve just scrambled my expression within and as myself to such and extent that I’ve literally lost myself in that which I’ve created as me.

Who is one as an expression whose words and deeds are able to be interpreted in countless (different) ways?  When I look at this question from one perspective – the one that I’ve defined as the point of certainty – there is understanding within and as me. However, when I move to express this stand in words and deeds in relation to others/all, I see that parts of me are still confused, not soundly aligned in unison to/with/as all. I experience this disharmony/confusion in different forms of different definitions of fear and/or pain.

I do not accept that there is nothing that I am able to do to remove this experience of fear and pain. In fact I am certain – from that point that I define as certainty/understanding, that I am able to move/direct me to see and understand everything by aligning my self-expression, standing, understanding to Here, equal and one with all that is here. To this end I walk one journey of investigation, introspection and experimentation with me, myself and I as words.

Why words? In and as the words I begin to see the points wherein my lines are not standing absolutely as one definition that is applicable to and best for all; I begin to see my expression, where my relationships are out of alignment and have gone astray to become question marks, possibilities/uncertainties, causes of consequence, experiences of pain and/or fear.

In short, I would say that to understand what is here, how we’ve created ourselves into and as quantum questions marks, and how to write and rewrite ourselves to mend the whole – each one to absolute definitions of integrity of Here as expressions of who each one is in relation to all/one – is the process of unscrambling ourselves by writing, rewriting/redesigning our symbols/words, mending us, our versus to living words, sound expressions of life of oneness and equality. As perhaps was in the beginning, the word, so too shall we create a new sound beginning, the sound of unison, the sound of one.

Originally, I had titled this, “Here and There” because I’ve been working on understanding Here and There from a perspective/question of “what is the truth that the words as symbols of sound are showing us?” Having written lines down many branches in attempts to understand and explain this, I confess, I’m still circling round and round, perhaps lessening the sin as the circle gets smaller, but still not to the point of absolution so to speak, lol. So, I’ll keep at until it’s done, I’m done, all one.



December 19, 2013

Writing to realize and understand Integrity

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:06 pm

I have often used the word, “realize” without actually understanding what “realize” says about me in terms of my internal and external relationships, realizing me within and as this physical-reality.

I guess ‘realizing’ is a step in the process of determining the answer to the question by first looking at self as the question and so the answer. It’s about self as definitions of words such as “integrity” and “realize,” that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use without first clearly defining them to not be limited by dubious/uncertain definitions.

The way I look at “realize” is as it sounds, real-eyes: “to look at” for the purpose of seeing with one’s real – physical – eyes. Expanding on the phrase, “for the purpose of seeing”, what I’m also inputting into/as me is “for the purpose of sea-ing” as in understanding me as a drop of water, one with and equal to all drops of water, the sea.

There is so much more within and as words, and to further this understanding, I often write a lot of words that for many might look like rambling gibberish; however, for me these writings are a way to assist me to unscramble and right me as the words I write right.

Getting back to the point of “realize”; just because I say “I realize” something does not necessarily make it real or true; that’s why (I would say) we first write ourselves-out so as “to realize” by physically seeing ourselves as the words that we’ve accepted and allowed to define us, and from these realizations, right ourselves by walking/living the self-corrective statements that we’ve written.

As to what I have realized about the word, “integrity” as a trustworthiness point of equality and oneness within what is best for all  (as it pertains to me) is that I require to become more visible by all, not just the projected externalized informative structure of me, but also the real internal structure of me. Why? Because (I would say) Integrity within equality and oneness is like One pillar made of many pillars all standing together as one; herein, should one falter or fall, the other pillars are able to step in to assist and support all-as-one because they are all able to visibly see and thus account for the fault or fall of one.

I hadn’t before seen or realized this visibility-point; not because it wasn’t there for me to see, but because I had already interpreted this point to suit me as a personality. So, to account for this point as me, I’m pushing myself to post different kinds of writing – so as to enable others to better see the internal structure of me as a degree of integrity/trustworthiness, the points where I’m standing and those where I’m not.

In short, I’m beginning to realize (processing to understand) the importance being visible. However, I’m still uncertain as to how visible I should be with my writings. For example, having written 2-3 pages over the last day or so, I just deleted a bunch of stuff, the places where I came to intersections or relationship points and randomly turned and wrote, then turned again and and so on as I often do, wandering to see what’s down these lines. Does anyone really care to follow me around my maze while I wander around mapping out the lines/branches of me as words; I wonder.  Anyway, I’ll leave it here/there, as another writing in the process of realizing to understand Integrity.


Self forgiveness on Integrity

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word ‘realize’ without taking into account all I’s; thus not really realizing but processing to realize. I now realize that when I use the word ‘realize’ in process, I’m actually processing to eventually realize.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define much of my writings as ramblings or gibberish; thus projecting onto others the reason I don’t care to be so visible.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify not being so visible due to not wanting others to see my faults
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that which I write – as faults, and within this not see, realize and understand that faults of mine that others are able to see are able to be accounted for, compensated for and corrected because they are seen. I now realize that being visible is a key element of integrity/trustworthiness.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the point of visibility within/as integrity/trustworthiness. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to suppress this key viewpoint of visibility in favor of a personality that prefers to remain in the shadows.


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