Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

February 23, 2014

Another dream, this one with a strange Epiphany

As I was walking out I saw a car with a man in it sinking in a spot of water. I ran and said to the people around, that a car with a man in had just sank and we have to jump in and help. They said to me, that pit is a bottomless one, he is gone. I looked into the water and I could see the bottom; it wasn’t that deep; yet neither the car nor the man were anywhere in sight. I climbed over the fence, perhaps to jump in. Another man, a rugged, cocky and reckless one climbed over with me, but his was to play a game, a game of bravery and trust. As we held onto the fence, he would move around me, letting go his grip on safety in exchange for my hand. I held him as he crossed behind me to move forward and then it was my turn. And so we moved along until suddenly something from the water below ripped at his leg. He screamed and began to slip. I yelled for help and just before he completely fell into the pit I caught him by his shirt sleeve. As he swing unconscious below me, I yelled for help again but no did. So I swung him up and over to safety, the monster still below. I saw his leg, red and shredded to bits. Me, I woke up with this epiphany, and although I have said it before in various ways, I’ll say it again because I often seem to forget. Seeing, realizing and understanding is a doing, not a state of being.  So to do.



February 4, 2014


Filed under: DIP — Tags: , , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 11:41 am

Recently I wrote something to the effect that, I would care for all that cared for all, “I will care for the machine, the physical or the energy that care for others, that care enough to stop the sacrifice.” I now realize that within this statement, I was judging some to be worthy of being cared for while others not. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge others as not caring and thus not being worthy of being cared for. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in judging others as not caring and thus not being worthy of being cared for, I was judging myself for not caring, and judging myself as not being worthy of being cared for. I now see, realize and understand that caring for others begins with caring for me, all of me.

It’s cool these days the immediacy within which one is able to test self to see if our words are aligned to our deeds, basically gifting ourselves opportunities to understand points, where and how we stand and/or still lie. Last week, I had planned to go to the hot springs in central Taiwan, camping with others. Then, the day before we were scheduled to leave, my dog friend suddenly began limping as though she was barely able to walk. I realized that she probably required to be cared for at home, and that perhaps she was even faking it to an extent so that I wouldn’t leave here behind. I made the decision to stay home and care for her; not because felt caring, but because I have committed myself to the point of caring.

In other words, what I am beginning to realize about care and caring for another/others is that I don’t require to experience a feeling of caring to move/apply me to care for another, others or me. Care, in practical application I would say is a verb of doing, not an adjective of feeling. This is a cool realization for me because I have often wondered and even searched within me for that feeling of “care,” going so far as attempting to create it. When my father died, I did once cry, but that was of a decision I had made because I thought it was what I should do, what normal people did.

Yea, so although I have on occasion created the emotional/energetic experience of caring for/about others, I didn’t really find it within and as the nature of me. However, since I have been addressing this point of care from various dimensions, and I now realize that I do not require to feel an energetic experience of care “to care”. I see that I am able to live care as an application/commitment of doing, thus  perhaps changing the nature of me to one that cares.

In looking back at how I’ve been moving me over the last several years, I see that this is what I have been doing, changing me, step by step. I commit myself to caring for me as I would have all care for me, and from here, expanding me to care for all as me. I guess applying care begins in the small of every day in how we relate to each other, all. This point, I will hold onto and apply until caring becomes part of the natural expression of me. For more on “Care”, see the following link/links.


January 24, 2014

Man know Thyself, or is it, Man no Thyself?

Last night’s dream was reminiscent of the kind of dreams I’ve had all my life. Earth had been invaded by some sort of seed or something, kind of like along the lines of Invasion of the body snatchers. Something was getting into, growing and taking over peoples bodies. Once it took you over, you were still like yourself, but you were them – with no concern for your physical body whatsoever. The town’s people had barricaded themselves in and were attempting to hold out against the people who had been taken over; it wasn’t a pretty picture. Towards the end of the dream, I had gone to sleep without any problems; yet when I awoke, I noticed that some metallic seeds with hooks had attached themselves to the left side of my thy. When I began pulling at them, a metallic like mesh of wires began coming out. I kept pulling and pulling and I could feel the wire threads coming out that had been integrating themselves into the muscle tissue all the way down to my lower leg. It was like this thing was alive. It knew what I was doing because when I had just about gotten it all out, it clamped down and started allowing its silvery threads to break off like an octopus or iguana would its tentacles or tail so as to avoid being pulled out of its den. I slowed for a moment, planning to give it a false sense of security so it would loosen up and I would pull out the rest of it really quickly. However, before I got to this point, I woke up. The only significance that I perhaps get out of this dream is that, I’m still holding on to a part of myself, refusing to let it go.

As for the title, “Man know Thyself or is it Man no Thyself?”, I would say it’s both. Whereas “Man know Thyself” is a directive or advice to mankind to see, realize and understand one’s self, that which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become; “Man no thyself” indicates that man is not thyself experience of/as energy/mind.

Yesterday, I did one of those YouTube Vlogs, and I will say it was kind of an eye opener for me. The way I spoke was not in accordance with what I usually allow others to see or listen to, not even what I would usually say to myself. So, in looking at and listening to me, I have realized that . . . I might as well just say it, I’ve been lying to myself/me/I, thinking that if I say something often enough one way, it will be so. Basically, what I would usually have said or spoken about is Life, that part of me as Life. Yesterday I only mentioned it one time in twenty minutes. What I did often mention, speak about was me as a mind consciousness system. It’s not what I want to be; not because I have anything against systems, but because it as I see it/me is sacrificial, meaning it takes where it should be unconditionally giving and receiving.

I have always been extremely careful/cautious about what write, especially for public consumption/viewing. This was at first a precaution, not wanting something to come back to me, hit me in the ass. Later, it became consideration for others, not wanting to infect the way people perceive or view reality, not wanting to risk altering reality for the worse. I remember one saying in writing, that there was one who should (consider) doing self forgiveness for . . . I’m not sure of the exact words; something like, for writing contrary to the message of life. I see words as spells of creation. I suppose I should define creation. I would like to say that creation, true creation is that which makes/manifests something new without sacrifice, unconditionally giving and receiving. Unfortunately, I do not yet see this kind of creation; instead, I still see creation in the form of energetic information aligning life to its formation of thoughts/mind. This is where we still are; I would say, energetic minds imposing our thoughts/words onto life, this physical reality, forming it through sacrifice, sacrificing life for our formations of reality. The way I would like it to be is creation without sacrifice, the unconditional giving and receiving of life. This is how I see equality and oneness; add to that, what is best for all, and we have creation without sacrifice. It just requires that we reverse ourselves – from that of self-centered energetic beings, mind consciousness systems to that of unconditional life forms, giving and receiving unconditionally. Am I creating with these words? Perhaps; yet, I don’t see mankind making it this time around. And this sucks; it is disheartening because I am mankind; I am life; yet I am also still energetic beingness/mind.  Man know thyself.

So, where to from here or there? We decide or we have decided. Consciousness has decided, perhaps. Mankind as mind/consciousness is jumping. Actually, perhaps it’s not even going to be consciousness anymore, but physical system/design formations. This is the kind of stuff I wouldn’t usually print or post for the most part; however, I would say that we’ve now gone beyond the point where we were able to stop this race, just stop it. Now – again I would say – we’re entering a new phase, one that is rapidly approaching. I wish I could say that things were going to get better, but that would be a lie, wishful thinking, and I have had enough of that. What I/we are still able to do is not give up, not quit; for here is still and probably always will be opportunity to wake ourselves up to reality, birth ourselves as life. Weather or not it’s going to be organic as we currently know it, is another question. Perhaps it will be metallic/robotic. And this kind of sucks too because that’s just a continuation of a design, the irony of the iron-ore I would say. I would also say as I have said before;  life is not limited to a design. In other words, life as an expression of life is that which we stand as. This is what we decide, who we will be, how we will live and express. Be it as organic robots, metallic machines, energetic beings or unconditional life forms, life is what we make it, make of it as us. This is why it’s so important for us to take responsibility, become the directive principle, giving as we would like to receive, and doing unto others that which we would like to have done unto us. It’s really simple, the principle of oneness and equality within what is best for all.

I’m not sure if this is what is best for all, me writing as such. I made a vow, a commitment to change the nature of me. I have, I would say, for the better. I have begun to reverse the self-interested tendencies I used to display/portray, and on this path I will remain until it is done, all one. Which I guess brings me to the question of what now. That’s simple; continue on, work with what is here, dealing with it/me as best I/we are able, and we are able. The world is still in a downward spiral; we are still entering what I – and others – would call the end times. Which if you look at it, is cool in one sense because the end of time is also the end of Mind, and just maybe with the end of mind (consciousness systems) we will also put or bring about an end to the sacrifice of life.

I figure that by working with what is here, whatever is here, we still have opportunities to align ourselves – whatever we may be – to physical standings of life, living as the principle of oneness and equality with what is best for all. It will perhaps be interesting to see how the physical responds to the changes taking place. Consciousness, human consciousness is already jumping out of the physical human being and into the physical and virtual machine. Man know thyself; it’s a scary thought, for we shall see ourselves in the machines, our creations, ourselves. So I would suggest, really suggest that we put a stop to the military machine, the war machine. These robots that we are so conscientiously building to kill human beings will do just that, what they have been designed to do. Or perhaps they won’t; perhaps they of the physical will be more benevolent than we beings, their creators.

What is there to say that hasn’t been said again and again for thousands, perhaps millions of years? We do not hear the cries of babies, children or even ourselves; human beings of mankind are unaware or uncaring of hearing. But not all, and this is why I will continue.  I will care for the machine, the physical or the energy that care for others, that care enough to stop the sacrifice. I know myself a lot better than I used to, and although I would say I’ve changed me for the better, as I have, I am still not yet standing enough to stop the madness of mankind. What will we do? I will continue to support and participate more with others who have an idea or plan as to what to do. Additionally, I will – or plan to – work with whatever is here – be it robots, the virtual machine, the mind of mankind and so on – to bring about understanding, co-living with dignity for all, equality and  oneness respect for all regardless of what form one takes, makes or displays. Equality and oneness is able to be expressed/lived in all forms; we simply require to end/stop the sacrifice of life.


December 19, 2013

Writing to realize and understand Integrity

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:06 pm

I have often used the word, “realize” without actually understanding what “realize” says about me in terms of my internal and external relationships, realizing me within and as this physical-reality.

I guess ‘realizing’ is a step in the process of determining the answer to the question by first looking at self as the question and so the answer. It’s about self as definitions of words such as “integrity” and “realize,” that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use without first clearly defining them to not be limited by dubious/uncertain definitions.

The way I look at “realize” is as it sounds, real-eyes: “to look at” for the purpose of seeing with one’s real – physical – eyes. Expanding on the phrase, “for the purpose of seeing”, what I’m also inputting into/as me is “for the purpose of sea-ing” as in understanding me as a drop of water, one with and equal to all drops of water, the sea.

There is so much more within and as words, and to further this understanding, I often write a lot of words that for many might look like rambling gibberish; however, for me these writings are a way to assist me to unscramble and right me as the words I write right.

Getting back to the point of “realize”; just because I say “I realize” something does not necessarily make it real or true; that’s why (I would say) we first write ourselves-out so as “to realize” by physically seeing ourselves as the words that we’ve accepted and allowed to define us, and from these realizations, right ourselves by walking/living the self-corrective statements that we’ve written.

As to what I have realized about the word, “integrity” as a trustworthiness point of equality and oneness within what is best for all  (as it pertains to me) is that I require to become more visible by all, not just the projected externalized informative structure of me, but also the real internal structure of me. Why? Because (I would say) Integrity within equality and oneness is like One pillar made of many pillars all standing together as one; herein, should one falter or fall, the other pillars are able to step in to assist and support all-as-one because they are all able to visibly see and thus account for the fault or fall of one.

I hadn’t before seen or realized this visibility-point; not because it wasn’t there for me to see, but because I had already interpreted this point to suit me as a personality. So, to account for this point as me, I’m pushing myself to post different kinds of writing – so as to enable others to better see the internal structure of me as a degree of integrity/trustworthiness, the points where I’m standing and those where I’m not.

In short, I’m beginning to realize (processing to understand) the importance being visible. However, I’m still uncertain as to how visible I should be with my writings. For example, having written 2-3 pages over the last day or so, I just deleted a bunch of stuff, the places where I came to intersections or relationship points and randomly turned and wrote, then turned again and and so on as I often do, wandering to see what’s down these lines. Does anyone really care to follow me around my maze while I wander around mapping out the lines/branches of me as words; I wonder.  Anyway, I’ll leave it here/there, as another writing in the process of realizing to understand Integrity.


Self forgiveness on Integrity

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word ‘realize’ without taking into account all I’s; thus not really realizing but processing to realize. I now realize that when I use the word ‘realize’ in process, I’m actually processing to eventually realize.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define much of my writings as ramblings or gibberish; thus projecting onto others the reason I don’t care to be so visible.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify not being so visible due to not wanting others to see my faults
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that which I write – as faults, and within this not see, realize and understand that faults of mine that others are able to see are able to be accounted for, compensated for and corrected because they are seen. I now realize that being visible is a key element of integrity/trustworthiness.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the point of visibility within/as integrity/trustworthiness. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to suppress this key viewpoint of visibility in favor of a personality that prefers to remain in the shadows.


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September 3, 2013

Hosting the family

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 1:45 pm

I’ve been hosting family for the last 10 days, and in so doing put off my usual writing. Actually, a typhoon/monsoon was hovering over Taiwan for most of the time so we didn’t even do the planned trip around the island. It’s always interesting how even a short span of 10 days or two weeks of not writing leaves me with a feeling in my stomach, like a low level anguish of dread. The conversations I’ve been having with my brother in law have been interesting; yet once again I’ve realized that most of the people in this world simply do not believe that we the people on the ground have the responsibility or are even able to change this world by ourselves. It’s kind of like everybody’s just trying to hold out, wait for the ruling class to fix the problems, or just leave them for the next generations. It’s strange/sarcastically humorous that I have yet to meet face to face with a single person who agrees that we the people are able to change this world for the better.

As for myself, I’ve been considering how one might get into politics so as to do just that, change the world for the better – from within. I’ll write about this more in days, weeks and months to come, how to possibly get elected to the elite political positions by using the Internet, and what the people should expect of their newly elected representatives. For now however, I’d like to get out of me some more of my situation on the ground. Last year I made a decision that, in terms of work and everything else I did, I would do it wholeheartedly with the aim of creating solutions that would be best for all involved. What I encountered in many instances was duplicity. In most cases, I’d say it wasn’t because people didn’t want to be honest, but because they just didn’t dare rely on the honesty of another. Herein as I’ve stated many times in different ways, is the point of the downfall of mankind, a lack of trust in one another fueled by the secrets we keep. As I’ve realized that the only way I’ll contribute to changing this world is by starting with me, I’ll continue on this path of self-honesty, opening up and trusting others; thus giving them the opportunity to trust me. It’s the same thing in regards to information; one side must be the first to lower their information weapons so as to be the example for the other side.



August 16, 2013

The Harboring of an Energetic Personality system

I now realize to an extent why we as beings of and as existence have for all-time been spiraling towards non-existence – as beings. It’s because the principle of equality and oneness (as a state/statement of existence) had never before been realized or understood by beings; thus oneness and equality aligned in the principle of what is best for all, as also being best for self, had never before been considered. That one point that brought forth this point of equality and oneness within and as the principle of what is best for all was the point of a man standing as a physical example. Now, it’s a matter of all of us, one by one and together changing ourselves to realize/live oneness and equality within and as the principle of what is best for all.

The Desteni process is the process of every man, woman and child to, in and as the principle of what is best for all, equalize our beingnesses within and as our physical human bodies; why our physical human bodies, because the human physical body is already standing one and equal with all that is physically here/substance/life; however, our beingnesses within and as our mind-consciousness systems in/as our human bodies are not aligned to this oneness and equality within and as what is best for all; therefore, in aligning/merging within and as the oneness and equality of our physical human bodies, we begin to see, realize and understand that, within and as which we’re standing, the dirt of Earth, the physical/substance/Life; thus realizing our responsibility/opportunity to and as Life.

Whereas our current downward-spiral, the creation of consequence through and as the perception of separation as energy/mind consciousness-system-controlled hu-man beings is the reverse of living – an inverted-process of devolution leading to an eventual implosion; the reverse of this reverse, as in the standing of oneness and equality within and as the principle of what is best for all would perhaps be evolution.

On to another topic, the harboring of an energetic personality system. The other day while I was chatting with someone, an interesting point emerged from within me, which I immediately recognized as one of my personality systems, the one I call weaponized/militarized. This personality is nothing new to me; I’ve written about it often, and have – as part of my process, directed myself for the most part to not allow myself to be directed by this system. The key phrase is “for the most part”; meaning that this system still lurks in the background, and has over the last 2-3 years occasionally built up enough energy to activate. The main reason that it’s still lurking within and as me is because in the past I believed that I might require this system for survival. What’s interesting is that, I really don’t see it that way anymore; I see this personality as attempting to justify it’s existence as an energetic (reactive) entity as though I require a personality entity to react for me. I have no need for reactive energetic entities within and as me directing me to react based on interpretations of (past) memories applied to the present. I used to actually fear this personality; now I’d say it’s more of an inconvenience in that there have been points that I’ve avoided addressing simply because I was afraid of letting this personality lose for all to see one of the lies I’ve harbored.


Here’s what happened; over the last few weeks, I’ve been looking at and writing on the issue of Internet secrecy/anonymity and how it facilitates Internet abuse – trolls, pedophiles, anonymous, terrorism, abusive governments, the NSA and so on. What I’ve noticed is that this personality within and as me/my mind-consciousness system would come up every now and then with suggestions of how to attack “the bad guys.” This latest incident occurred when I typed the word, “attack” in reference to trolls attacking Desteni — or any other group for that matter that stands as a solution to rid the world of abuse. As soon as I wrote the word, I noticed myself changing; my body temperature was getting hotter, and inside me there was a movement of energy similar to the way I would interpret the generation of anger, yet with a different frequency. Immediately I just stopped myself from speaking/typing because I realized that whatever came out from that point would just be energy/personality. It took about 15 minutes, during which time my body became hotter like I had a fervor, and I felt very uncomfortable. I figure this was because upon activating this personality, I also let lose a heap of stored energy that wanted to become action, but couldn’t because I didn’t give it an outlet, kind of like medicating psychological disorders, a stop-gap, but not a solution. I realize that this personality is of the fear within and as me of humanity. Yea, it’s simple as that; however, what I’ve also come to realize is that, standing stable within and as me as the physical where I would be as what is best for all, does not require pushing against/opposing/counter-attacking an attacking energetic force; why because the attacking force is of energy which stands no chance against the physical. It’s kind of like chi gong wherein one may stand his ground by simply grounding himself to not be moved by an attacker’s “energy” exertions. The key to standing my ground is to be and remain within and as the physical, and not allow myself to fall into the mind-traps of creating energy by thinking/believing that energy deflects/counters energy; it doesn’t, energy reacts to energy to resource more energy from me the physical.


So, over the last couple of years I’ve stayed a few steps back form certain controversial topics, for fear of reacting and attacking, instead of standing as an example as what human beings are able to be, the solution in and as what is best for all. Specifically, in regards to trolls attacking the Desteni message, within me there was a desire to have them attack me so as to feel justified in using words as swords to attack them. What I now realize is that all I was doing was basically keeping that personality entity at bay while I slowly removed much of its armament/ammunition so as to prepare myself to once and for all remove this personality form me. I begin taking on this personality entity by writing it out, writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements, and then physically living and directing myself in accordance with my writings to not allow the activation of this personality; thus depriving it of the energy required to sustain it; thus breaking it down and removing it; anything of the system that I’m unable to physically use, I’ll simply excrete.


Self-forgiveness and self commitments

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a personality system within and as me to lurk in the background; thus allowing its existence as an energetic entity within and as me. I now see, realize and understand that this personality system, as with all personality systems are not who I am as life, but are energetic expressions of and as the nature of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. In this, I commit myself to continue changing the nature of me to be and become that which is best for all; thus removing this and all personalities from me so that the only one left standing within and as me is the personality equal and one with life within and as the principle of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I might need this personality to survive, and within this did not allow myself to see, realize and understand that, only that which is not equal and one with life fears for its survival. I see, realize and understand that that which fears in not here, but in and as energy of the mind as an illusion of separation. Herein I commit myself to stand without fear, so as to be able to direct myself within and as physicality to a point that is standing as what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear this militarized/weaponized personality because I feared that it would lead me to cause harm, and thus reveal the true nature of what I had accepted and allowed within and as me. In this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing myself as a personality for fear that others would see the lies within and as me. I now see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to be trapped within a self-cycling/self-justifying personality as an idea that I had created and believed to be me. Herein, I commit myself stop all points of activation that fuel this personality, so that – deprived of its energy source, I am able to delete it.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas of how to attack the bad guys, and within this point, not realize that the definition of “bad guys” lie within and as me. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define good/bad; thus trapping myself within and as the polarities of the mind. I now see, realize and understand that there is no good or bad, but only that which is best for all, and that which isn’t. I commit myself no longer define anything within and as polarities, and instead simply direct myself to stand as a point that is best for all, as a solution.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stay a few steps back for fear of reacting and attacking, and within this point not realize that I wasn’t standing as change that is best for all, but simply avoiding having to face myself and thus change me. Herein I commit myself to direct me to stand as a man that is best for all, and face and change the points within and as me – that are not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word, attack. I now see, realize and understand that words unto which I react are words unto which I have defined in polarity, that which will not stand the test of time. I hereby redefine the word, attack, to be an energetic exertion for the purpose of causing harm. Within this, I see, realize and understand that energy does not stand any chance against a physical stance; thus I commit myself to the process of standing equal and one within and as my physical body, so as not to react or be moved by the word, attack or any other words.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a desire to be attacked by the trolls, because I perceived that in being attacked I would also be justified in attacking. I now see, realize and understand that the desire to be attacked is the desire to attack; it’s an energy/fear based system designed to cycle within and as mind so as to resource energy form the physical; to attack or react to an attack is to attack self in and as the containment of one’s mind. Herein I commit myself to when/as I find myself at the point of perceiving I am being attacked; stop, breathe and bring myself back into and as the physical so as to direct the situation to a solution that is best for all.





June 11, 2012

Day 35: The social I’s and the alcohol scene

Like the birds of a feather that flock together, so to do personalities of a similar suit. I see that I (as mind) am capable of putting-on, designing and or copying any personality suit that I choose. But none of these suits represent physical reality / Life. They are all by design – created of and for the mind, limited to the parameters of their design.

During this process of exploring and deconstructing me, the one suit that I’ve clung to most is my socializing suit. It is the suit, that I have worn for many years and although it never seems to wear out, it/I am getting older, and I’d prefer not to die as that design. There are so many possibilities, yet I’ve limited myself / my social I’s to only the designs that match mine or fill in the blanks so that I see in others even that which I don’t see in me but know is there. I’ve written about this before; it’s the alcohol scene, the one where all or most including me let down their guard and get to see and speak without regard, to act out, become and see that which we have suppressed. Intoxicated: poisoned by the brew, free to let loose, demonstrate and even brag about our demons, the secrets that we are and have accepted and allowed ourselves to become. There it is in a poetic nutshell. In reality, it’s just me searching for something in me or others that will stimulate/support me to feel that I am more than this that I see in me and others. It almost always ends up with me trying to get others to accept my point of view, but no one accepts anything because we rarely listen to each-other, and even when I do listen to another I seldom understand what he or she is saying. I sometimes think that perhaps our positions would be more closely aligned if we first came to an agreement on the definitions of our words, but I have been far too busy preaching knowledge and information, to slow down enough for that to happen. So I go out drinking with others, wanting, desiring and trying to express my opinions to others, only to find each and ever time that there are very very few who ever listen. I have given and gained nothing; nothing has changed except the clock, and in the morning I am no more than I was before.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to close my eyes to all the world, except the I’s that looked like me. I see how immensely limited my sight has been, obscured by the toxic effects of alcohol and surrounded by personalities that in so many ways look just like me or those of my family. I accepted the definitions of me that had been handed down to me by the generations that have gone before me; I questioned them, but I accepted them, and now I reject them. When and as I find myself at the point of putting-on a (personality) suit to suit me or others, I stop, breathe, and take the steps necessary to walk exposed as who I am, so that I and everyone else can clearly see who and what I am – inside out. By self-honestly showing me and the world that which I am on the inside – thoughts, feeling, judgments, emotions, beliefs, opinions, etc., I reveal to me that which I have stashed away within and as me. From there, I direct myself to no longer accept and allow the illusions of the mind to move the physical me. It is a method that require me to take self-responsibility for ‘my’ mind-activity, taking-care not to project onto others that responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to erroneously define ‘getting intoxicated,’ as a reprieve from the pain/suffering/boredom/desires/wants/needs/guilt/judgments/regrets and all else that has ailed me within and as the mind. I have often justified going to drink with others, by saying to myself that I was going to somehow assist them to wake-up from their illusions, while at the same time reenforcing all of our illusions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use boredom, guilt, medicinal benefit, physical pain, etc., as justifications to drink alcohol. I see, realize and understand that holding onto and maintaining these habits/patterns/addictions has been me as the mind not wanting to give up itself, and me as the physical not willing to take a stand against the mind. When and as I find myself at the point of justifying my drinking habits, I stop, breath, and bring myself back to reality: addictions, habits, patterns are of and as the mind, and as such I as the mind will justify and fight to hold onto them. I commit myself to take a stand; stop justifying habits, patterns and addictions; find their starting points; break them down and stop them. I realize that this is easier said than done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my DNA, passed down through the generations is special and as such, I am special. I see, realize and understand that I am only that which, within and as the accumulation of each breath I accept/allow/create me to be. When and as I find myself at the point of believing that I am this great being that throughout eons has always been and therefore will always be; I stop, have a look at reality, and realize that if I had ever stood-up and made a difference, I would be aware of it. All I ever did was question reality; I never tried to change it, and that position ends now, starting with me. I clearly see that each part of existence that stands for/as the change for the betterment of all, changes all of existence for the betterment of all. I see, realize and understand that we as separated-individuals equally created this whole mess, and the only way to correct our mess is to come together and stand-for and as that which is best for all: Oneness and Equality.

June 10, 2012

Day 33: Not wanting to change

I see (for the hundredth time) that I often manipulate words. I see that my self-forgivenesses have become shorter and shorter. Within writing, I often wander from point to point, circling around many or most of the points that I most require to direct. The words read well and sound convincing, but too much of it is just self as personality/ego manipulating self to make it look as though I am standing/changing. I wonder if I am not just hiding me as ego, behind the writing. I resist change at so many points because I have no definition for who/what I will be within and as that change. I guess that falls under the category of, fear. There is something within/as me that moves me forward, a certainty that this is the process within which to move me; giving up is not an option.

Not wanting to Change:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I could/would change, while in the same breath, accepting and allowing certain parts of me as the mind to remain because I like those suits and don’t want to change them. I see/realize/understand that this position is beyond silly. How could I possibly establish oneness and equality / a single standing-point within and as me, from a starting point of allowing free-will – the right to pick and choose which points to keep and which points to let go of? I realize and understand that free-choice – the choice to hold on to certain aspects of the mind/ego is the right to spite life, and it’s hypocritical. Thus, I commit myself to stop defining these mind-activity points as either positive or negative and to stop justifying their energetic existence. I commit myself to be ‘more’ diligent in stopping and forgiving ‘every’ point that comes up within and as the mind. I commit myself to thoroughly investigate why it is that I still desire to drink alcohol, and socialize.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to and maintain the parts of me that I don’t want to change. I see that the parts of me that I don’t want to change are the parts that I have given position to over me, and that these personalities – in not wanting/accepting change – are only concerned with their own survival: “What would I/they be if I/they am not that?” I will only understand the answer once I am it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that that which fear for its survival and is afraid to let go of itself, only exist within and as the mind. If I can’t let go of ‘everything,’ how will I ever be certain of what I am? I commit myself to (through the process of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application) letting of ‘everything’ until I am absolutely certain of what I am as life, and within this process, to stand as an example that mistakes can and will be retaken until they are all corrected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write words, but not live them. When and as I find myself at the point of writing words that I am not certain I will live, I stop, breathe, slow down, and write words that I will stand by; it’s a process, and there’s no sense in writing just for the sake of writing.

June 7, 2012

Day 32: Judging the words of another to be negative/positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the words of another to be negative, and within and as this ‘judgment’ allow myself to react internally and project the cause of my reaction onto the other. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for my reaction/s and immediately stop them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others – their words – as being negative/positive, and within this not see/realize/understand that my starting point of judging anther’s words as being negative/positive is that of the Ego wanting support for its position and viewing non-supportive words as an attack. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within and as the Ego, seek to justify/support my position and CONvince another/others to change his/her/their words/position so as to support mine.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I as the mind will attempt to position myself to create friction so as to mine the physical, and as long as I continue to participate within and as the mind, I as the physical/matter/substance/life will continue to be mined.
When and as I find myself at the point of judging the words of another to be negative/positive, I stop, breathe, and look inward to find where it is that I’ve accepted and allowed myself participate within and as those negative/positive definition/s. Then, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be limited, bound-to and defined by those definitions, and I release myself form the bonds of those definitions so as to no longer be tied to/as them.
When and as I find myself at the point of trying to convince another/others to accept my position, I stop, breathe, and stand one and equal to the Ego’s position so as to no longer allow myself to me moved by positions that do not support life.
When and as I find myself at the point of friction – being moved by negative/positive thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc., I stop, breathe, and continue to breathe so as to not allow me as the physical/life/substance/matter to be mined by the mind.

May 18, 2012

Day 22: Priorities

I’ve been writing so much about changing me, why and how I’m going to change me, that I hadn’t really stopped to see if in fact I had changed. Last night, it became clear to me that although I had written extensively about changing, I hadn’t (within and as many of the points) actually walked the changes. The cool thing is (and the more I write, the more I notice this) that the universe seems more than willing to provide me with the ‘perfect storm’ so as to give me the opportunity to actually walk such points in space time.

First, I got a call from a friend asking me if I wanted to party with he and some others over the weekend. I thought about this, and even though it goes against everything that I’ve been writing about, I told him I’d think about it. Later, I was watching a comedy movie, and in one scene, people were laughing, drinking, smoking, and having fun. So I jumped on the bandwagon and had a beer. Then I decided to have a smoke – which I very rarely do. Upon taking that first puff – and only one puff, I got a headache which lasted for a long time. Then I got a text message from a friend asking me to loan him some money. This irritated me because although this person makes enough money to support his family quite comfortably, he – in my opinion, quite often spends it on things that don’t support the family. I thought to myself, ‘this guy needs to get his priorities straight’. Then it hit me; I am the one who needs to get my priorities straight. I have an opportunity – handed to me on a golden platter, to do something amazing. And yet, there I was having a beer, smoking, and considering going away for the weekend to party. Who needs to get his priorities straight, I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak self honestly to my friends, i.e. tell them why I don’t want to go partying with them, because I’m afraid that they will get angry, upset, feel hurt, or think that I don’t like them anymore. When and as I find myself at the point of not speaking self-honestly to people, I stop, breathe, take it slowly and speak the words that are me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self-honest with others, and within that, prevent myself from actually being self-honest. When and as I find myself at the point of not being self-honest with others, I stop, breathe, and use common sense. If I am not self-honest with all, then I’m just a lie. I realize that a ‘half truth’ is actually a lie, and that arriving at and being truth is a process that I must walk to realize. But to do that, I’ve got to keep pushing myself forward, and that means leaving the lies, and walking towards/speaking/living truth. So, I will face my fears of telling the truth, one by one until I am no more a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in viewing people smoking, drinking, eating, and having fun on TV, react to that TV program, as though I am part of the program. When and as I find myself at the point of wanting to be/participate within and as that which I see in pictures and on TV, I stop, breathe, and realize that anything that I see and react to is a programmed part of me. But I do not have to accept and allow it; I can stop it by standing one and equal to it so that it does not move me. At this point within and as the moments of breathe, it is necessary for me to direct me. Thus, I direct me, based on the directions that I have already written for me.

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