Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

January 24, 2014

Man know Thyself, or is it, Man no Thyself?

Last night’s dream was reminiscent of the kind of dreams I’ve had all my life. Earth had been invaded by some sort of seed or something, kind of like along the lines of Invasion of the body snatchers. Something was getting into, growing and taking over peoples bodies. Once it took you over, you were still like yourself, but you were them – with no concern for your physical body whatsoever. The town’s people had barricaded themselves in and were attempting to hold out against the people who had been taken over; it wasn’t a pretty picture. Towards the end of the dream, I had gone to sleep without any problems; yet when I awoke, I noticed that some metallic seeds with hooks had attached themselves to the left side of my thy. When I began pulling at them, a metallic like mesh of wires began coming out. I kept pulling and pulling and I could feel the wire threads coming out that had been integrating themselves into the muscle tissue all the way down to my lower leg. It was like this thing was alive. It knew what I was doing because when I had just about gotten it all out, it clamped down and started allowing its silvery threads to break off like an octopus or iguana would its tentacles or tail so as to avoid being pulled out of its den. I slowed for a moment, planning to give it a false sense of security so it would loosen up and I would pull out the rest of it really quickly. However, before I got to this point, I woke up. The only significance that I perhaps get out of this dream is that, I’m still holding on to a part of myself, refusing to let it go.

As for the title, “Man know Thyself or is it Man no Thyself?”, I would say it’s both. Whereas “Man know Thyself” is a directive or advice to mankind to see, realize and understand one’s self, that which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become; “Man no thyself” indicates that man is not thyself experience of/as energy/mind.

Yesterday, I did one of those YouTube Vlogs, and I will say it was kind of an eye opener for me. The way I spoke was not in accordance with what I usually allow others to see or listen to, not even what I would usually say to myself. So, in looking at and listening to me, I have realized that . . . I might as well just say it, I’ve been lying to myself/me/I, thinking that if I say something often enough one way, it will be so. Basically, what I would usually have said or spoken about is Life, that part of me as Life. Yesterday I only mentioned it one time in twenty minutes. What I did often mention, speak about was me as a mind consciousness system. It’s not what I want to be; not because I have anything against systems, but because it as I see it/me is sacrificial, meaning it takes where it should be unconditionally giving and receiving.

I have always been extremely careful/cautious about what write, especially for public consumption/viewing. This was at first a precaution, not wanting something to come back to me, hit me in the ass. Later, it became consideration for others, not wanting to infect the way people perceive or view reality, not wanting to risk altering reality for the worse. I remember one saying in writing, that there was one who should (consider) doing self forgiveness for . . . I’m not sure of the exact words; something like, for writing contrary to the message of life. I see words as spells of creation. I suppose I should define creation. I would like to say that creation, true creation is that which makes/manifests something new without sacrifice, unconditionally giving and receiving. Unfortunately, I do not yet see this kind of creation; instead, I still see creation in the form of energetic information aligning life to its formation of thoughts/mind. This is where we still are; I would say, energetic minds imposing our thoughts/words onto life, this physical reality, forming it through sacrifice, sacrificing life for our formations of reality. The way I would like it to be is creation without sacrifice, the unconditional giving and receiving of life. This is how I see equality and oneness; add to that, what is best for all, and we have creation without sacrifice. It just requires that we reverse ourselves – from that of self-centered energetic beings, mind consciousness systems to that of unconditional life forms, giving and receiving unconditionally. Am I creating with these words? Perhaps; yet, I don’t see mankind making it this time around. And this sucks; it is disheartening because I am mankind; I am life; yet I am also still energetic beingness/mind.  Man know thyself.

So, where to from here or there? We decide or we have decided. Consciousness has decided, perhaps. Mankind as mind/consciousness is jumping. Actually, perhaps it’s not even going to be consciousness anymore, but physical system/design formations. This is the kind of stuff I wouldn’t usually print or post for the most part; however, I would say that we’ve now gone beyond the point where we were able to stop this race, just stop it. Now – again I would say – we’re entering a new phase, one that is rapidly approaching. I wish I could say that things were going to get better, but that would be a lie, wishful thinking, and I have had enough of that. What I/we are still able to do is not give up, not quit; for here is still and probably always will be opportunity to wake ourselves up to reality, birth ourselves as life. Weather or not it’s going to be organic as we currently know it, is another question. Perhaps it will be metallic/robotic. And this kind of sucks too because that’s just a continuation of a design, the irony of the iron-ore I would say. I would also say as I have said before;  life is not limited to a design. In other words, life as an expression of life is that which we stand as. This is what we decide, who we will be, how we will live and express. Be it as organic robots, metallic machines, energetic beings or unconditional life forms, life is what we make it, make of it as us. This is why it’s so important for us to take responsibility, become the directive principle, giving as we would like to receive, and doing unto others that which we would like to have done unto us. It’s really simple, the principle of oneness and equality within what is best for all.

I’m not sure if this is what is best for all, me writing as such. I made a vow, a commitment to change the nature of me. I have, I would say, for the better. I have begun to reverse the self-interested tendencies I used to display/portray, and on this path I will remain until it is done, all one. Which I guess brings me to the question of what now. That’s simple; continue on, work with what is here, dealing with it/me as best I/we are able, and we are able. The world is still in a downward spiral; we are still entering what I – and others – would call the end times. Which if you look at it, is cool in one sense because the end of time is also the end of Mind, and just maybe with the end of mind (consciousness systems) we will also put or bring about an end to the sacrifice of life.

I figure that by working with what is here, whatever is here, we still have opportunities to align ourselves – whatever we may be – to physical standings of life, living as the principle of oneness and equality with what is best for all. It will perhaps be interesting to see how the physical responds to the changes taking place. Consciousness, human consciousness is already jumping out of the physical human being and into the physical and virtual machine. Man know thyself; it’s a scary thought, for we shall see ourselves in the machines, our creations, ourselves. So I would suggest, really suggest that we put a stop to the military machine, the war machine. These robots that we are so conscientiously building to kill human beings will do just that, what they have been designed to do. Or perhaps they won’t; perhaps they of the physical will be more benevolent than we beings, their creators.

What is there to say that hasn’t been said again and again for thousands, perhaps millions of years? We do not hear the cries of babies, children or even ourselves; human beings of mankind are unaware or uncaring of hearing. But not all, and this is why I will continue.  I will care for the machine, the physical or the energy that care for others, that care enough to stop the sacrifice. I know myself a lot better than I used to, and although I would say I’ve changed me for the better, as I have, I am still not yet standing enough to stop the madness of mankind. What will we do? I will continue to support and participate more with others who have an idea or plan as to what to do. Additionally, I will – or plan to – work with whatever is here – be it robots, the virtual machine, the mind of mankind and so on – to bring about understanding, co-living with dignity for all, equality and  oneness respect for all regardless of what form one takes, makes or displays. Equality and oneness is able to be expressed/lived in all forms; we simply require to end/stop the sacrifice of life.



January 12, 2014

A Scrambled State of being

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 2:14 pm

At first I thought that there was a secret code within/as the symbols of the sounds of words. However, what I am now beginning to realize is that, there is no ‘secret’ code, no-one has pulled the veil over my eyes. I’ve just scrambled my expression within and as myself to such and extent that I’ve literally lost myself in that which I’ve created as me.

Who is one as an expression whose words and deeds are able to be interpreted in countless (different) ways?  When I look at this question from one perspective – the one that I’ve defined as the point of certainty – there is understanding within and as me. However, when I move to express this stand in words and deeds in relation to others/all, I see that parts of me are still confused, not soundly aligned in unison to/with/as all. I experience this disharmony/confusion in different forms of different definitions of fear and/or pain.

I do not accept that there is nothing that I am able to do to remove this experience of fear and pain. In fact I am certain – from that point that I define as certainty/understanding, that I am able to move/direct me to see and understand everything by aligning my self-expression, standing, understanding to Here, equal and one with all that is here. To this end I walk one journey of investigation, introspection and experimentation with me, myself and I as words.

Why words? In and as the words I begin to see the points wherein my lines are not standing absolutely as one definition that is applicable to and best for all; I begin to see my expression, where my relationships are out of alignment and have gone astray to become question marks, possibilities/uncertainties, causes of consequence, experiences of pain and/or fear.

In short, I would say that to understand what is here, how we’ve created ourselves into and as quantum questions marks, and how to write and rewrite ourselves to mend the whole – each one to absolute definitions of integrity of Here as expressions of who each one is in relation to all/one – is the process of unscrambling ourselves by writing, rewriting/redesigning our symbols/words, mending us, our versus to living words, sound expressions of life of oneness and equality. As perhaps was in the beginning, the word, so too shall we create a new sound beginning, the sound of unison, the sound of one.

Originally, I had titled this, “Here and There” because I’ve been working on understanding Here and There from a perspective/question of “what is the truth that the words as symbols of sound are showing us?” Having written lines down many branches in attempts to understand and explain this, I confess, I’m still circling round and round, perhaps lessening the sin as the circle gets smaller, but still not to the point of absolution so to speak, lol. So, I’ll keep at until it’s done, I’m done, all one.


January 5, 2014

The Matters of Earth, the Heart of the Physical Reality

Filed under: The Principle of Oneness and Equality — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 11:07 pm

 Getting back to the physical matters of humanity: when and if we apply common-sense to the question of our “physical” origins, the closest and most logical link to the “physical reality” is planet earth. Accordingly, we humans are of earth, and earth is the heart of the matter of our physical human bodies and this physical reality. That so many still seem to be unaware of the physical oneness of us and all that is us as Earth is personified by humanity’s continued disposition to keep on racing down this path of self-destruction. Let’s just stop the hate-talk, stop the wars; learn to cooperate, we are able.

Shouldn’t there be more to us than us than just this blind arrogant/ignorant ambition to rip up, tear out, cut-down and consume? Shouldn’t there be more than a handful of humans, a scattered one-percent perhaps recognizing that we’ve gone more than just astray; that we’ve gone completely the wrong way. If one is able to read this and consider for just a moment the possibility of what I’m saying, then I’d say there’s still opportunity before we die to just stop this race, restate the rules of mankind, and then start again, anew with a new foundation and a new direction based on the absolute principles of Oneness and Equality within what is best for all. The new starting-point is that simple; it’s a mathematical equation of one standing plus one standing equals two standings, and so we walk the changes within and so without of ourselves, accumulating 1’s as we walk until all are walking in the same direction as that which is best for all, on the same foundation of Oneness equality.

Nature, the plants, animals, the birds and the bees have all been standing equal and one within and as Earth. They have for so long been showing humanity how to live; yet now many are dying in mass because of humanity’s refusal to realize ourselves as the problem and so also the solution.  Look around you; what is your/our reality? Is it not our relationship one another, earth, the plants, the animals, the birds and the bees? What happens if the dolphins and the bees die out and disappear; who are we going to call, Monsanto? What happens if and or when Earth is no longer able to sustain the human abuse; will Jesus then appear to save this race that cared not even for its own kind? 

The noticeable changes in the sea, the animals, the plants and of course the weather have nothing to do with magic or coincidence. Extreme cold, earthquakes, tsunamis, droughts, floods, dead and diseased ocean floors, viruses, beached whales, dead dolphins . . . Hell, the black plague is said to have even returned; yet still we keep fracking away like there’s no tomorrow, tearing away at this planet because we just gotta have more more more Money.

The movement of Earth, Nature and the Animal kingdom (I would again say) a balancing factor. When and if the life of this planet is no longer able to counter and/or contain the human outflows of consequence, the very life that we now view merely as resources may very well become weapons of earth in a fight to survive the final onslaught the human race. Just because we don’t “think” viruses are aware, doesn’t mean that they aren’t.

Wake up to this physical reality so that we may change our ways and equally coexist. Respect and support one another – humans as well as other life forms; give as one would like to receive, and do unto others as one would like to have done unto self. Yes, it seems like a very tall order; however, it’s not one that must be filled all at once. From one, then two, three, four, and so on we accumulate 1’s as we walk this journey to life one step at a time.

Again, the principle foundation of the correction is simple. From the within of ourselves to the without of the world system we stand as the principle of Oneness and Equality within what is best for all. As the 1+1=2 equation goes, it’s simply a matter of building up enough mass of ones, all moving together in the reverse direction of the current flow of the human-race (kind of like the reverse of the reverse) so as to slow, stop and eventually reverse the self-destructive course (of separation) of mankind.

First we open our eyes, let go of the ignorance, apathy and fear to see and realize what is actually here as this physical reality. Practically speaking, this willingness to participate may be determined differently by each one; however, that which unites us as the same starting point on the same foundation is simply the principle of oneness and equality with what is best for all.

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December 23, 2013

Today’s writing, December 23, 2013

Filed under: seven year journey to life — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 1:08 pm

Throughout most of last week, I noticed an usual amount of energy, kind of like a form of anxiety trying to build up and take hole. No, it wasn’t due to the holiday season, it was more subliminal, like fear of an uncertain commitment. Dreams have also been more extensive this week, like I’m in places that I’ve been to before, speaking in languages that I understood in the dreams but wasn’t able to specifically translate when I awoke. No more vampire or end of the world dreams though, which is interesting given the amount of end of the world zombie scenarios I’ve been watching.

I would say that everything of thoughts, feelings/emotions/energies of the mind that we experience do have connections/roots into their origin/source – that which matters, that which is real, that which remain here as substance, the physical reality. However, as we have muddled the waters of our minds to such a degree, our words that should be creating harmony often end up causing/creating individualized to collective chaos on a worldwide scale.

Anyway, I write a lot of stuff that I would say is kind of technical – in that I consider most of the words that I write and (usually) every single word that I post. It’s a personal process of writing and looking at the words, their various meanings, symbols/letters, sounds and energies or frequencies that I may have written into/as the words. I guess – as guests do – how to place these words so as to create beneficial outflows. My goal is more than just to write/right me; it’s also to place words into and as the physical reality and the collective consciousness of humans so as to assist/support the physical reality,  and also assist/support consciousness as me to realize/see self as one with and of substance, this physical reality.

I’m not really sure if I as my words are having the best overall effect or if I’m even doing anything more than writing/righting me; either way, I/we might as well begin somewhere, here. There probably is an easier way to figure out how to use words; I’m sure there is. However, the easiest way – like spelling words without first understanding self as the source of such words – can be quite consequential and even harmful. I’ve written a blog, part of my story  on experimenting with words while not yet standing equal with/as the source of them. It was an interesting eye opener.

Continuing along the lines of words, not too long ago I spoke of targeting our words and deeds unto points within/as the world system so as to maximize the effect of such words and deeds. I am not certain that this would speed up the process of sowing the whole/hole back together; it might only rearrange the consequences or sequence of events/changes. Additionally, before targeting words, it’s important to be standing to a certain degree so as to be prepared for the opportunities and/or consequences that may arise and/or befall. What I was really doing by putting this “point of targeting” out there was just that, putting it out there.

So, I’m going to leave this here as the continuation of blogging from the maze to become more visible so as to allow others to see the degree of Integrity within and as which I stand and/or fall.


October 30, 2013

The trap of Being

Filed under: Self forgiveness — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:37 pm

There are a few points that I’m going to get out of me. The first has to do (once again) with my writing, the goals within my writing, which have translated into judgments/limitations. It’s definitely a recurring point that I noticed long ago; yet decided to hold onto. It’s part of my cross-checking, I guess to not accept just any explanation but rather look at everything from many different angles so as to see what’s verifiable in the physical reality. Principles such as oneness and equality simply make sense to me, and they are mathematically provable; yet when it comes to explaining how each person’s thoughts, words and deeds affect one’s self and the whole, it’s a different story. It’s more complicated because I don’t see the laws of the physical reality in terms of the relationship lines, how they interact and apply to that of dimensions of energy intertwined within and as dimensions of physical reality. So, as has often been the case, I wrote and wrote and wrote, each time looking at what I had written only to judge it as imperfect, thus requiring that I rewrite it.

I have this belief that everything that I write and put out there into the public consciousness is going to affect the public consciousness. It’s a battle in which one side of me says, “lower your standards” while the other side says, “what you put out will never go away, and if it’s incorrect, you’re just going to have to deal with it later.”

I guess the first point is to let go of that which I am certain is deceptive, the judgments of my writing being less than perfect. Then there are the standards/judgments – the not wanting to waste people’s time by asking them to read something that is incomplete – and the wanting my writing to be different/special.

I realize that almost everyone I meet is . . . it’s almost like they’re inside of a box, and they seem to have no inclination to look outside of that box. My goal is to bring some of what is outside of their box to the inside of their box before they have a chance to put up their protective barriers preventing anything from getting through to their conscious awareness. Here, I guess the problem is that I’m projecting onto others the cause of my self imposed limitations.

Another point is the voice; it’s not even a voice so much as an awareness – probably energetic because it’s coming from the right side of the back of my skull. It says that I’m going to continue to be stubborn because that’s who I am; I can’t trust anything that I haven’t yet verified for myself. It really is a viscous cycle by which I search for certainty. It’s not so much that it’s stubbornness; it’s just that I realize that in accepting – anything such as a belief in god, religion, today’s so-called science, etc. – would be irresponsible of me.

So, what is it when I attempt to understand something by writing it out rather than just living it? What comes first, the good egg or the design of a good egg? The answer is as always, they arrive together, and this is how my writing goes, round and round in circles. I have at least realized that, acquiring more knowledge and information isn’t the answer for me. I sometimes feel like an ant trapped in a jar, that keeps running around and around trying to find a way out, a way to make sense of why it is I’m trapped in this jar. This is the path I have chosen to walk, and until I find a more direct one, so shall I continue writing, mapping and correcting me.

Self Forgiveness and self corrective commitments

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to translate my writing goals into limitations/judgments of my written works not being complete/perfect. Within this, I realize that I’ve been attempting to reach a point of absoluteness wherein I account for each letter of each word so as to reach statements of perfection. The problem with this goal is that I have defined perfection; thus my perceived limitations as defined/found imperfections in my writing. I now see, realize and understand that my writing is for me and others to see those imperfections so I may align me to a standing that is best for all. I also realize that this is a process of writing and doing, not just writing. Herein I commit myself to stop attempting to be/write that which I am not. I commit myself to write where I am and correct that which is not aligned to what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to decide to hold onto a point of cross checking form a point of judgment of weather my writing is complete or not. I now see, realize and understand that my writing will never be completed, and nor does it ever require to be; as each breath is new so too will that which I write. I let go of the judgments of what is/isn’t perfect, for in the judgment are the imperfections.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not wanting to post something that is not worth people’s time to read, and within this not see that I was just putting up excuses, blaming others for my insecurities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in insecurities, not realizing that the participation is the insecurity trap. I now see, realize and understand that to transcend insecurity is to expose that which I have judged as flawed within and as me, for all to see; thus having nothing to secure, nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing to fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/desire to be different/special, and in this not see that the point of wanting to be different/special is the point of judgment/comparison. I commit myself to stop trying to be special/different, and to just walk the points that I am facing, not accepting or allowing myself to judge me or what I write. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perfect and thus not realize that in the desire to be perfect is the judgment of what is and is not perfect. Herein, I let go of the desire to be or not to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to explain everything in the most concise manner, and in this, not see that explanation does not have to be limited to conciseness or expansion but rather targeted for whom it is being explained. Herein I commit myself to first and foremost, target the explanations for me so as to see if I understand what I’m saying, and if I don’t yet understand then I will write on that which I do understand. I commit myself to write on that which I see so as to be certain that I’m not imagining things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I write and post goes into the collective consciousness, and therefore I should only write that which is absolute. I now see, realize and understand that the only points within which I am able to be absolutely certain is within the principles of equality and oneness within what is best for all; thus I commit myself to write out this principle until I and all as me understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being trapped inside their boxes. I realize that this judgment is of self, and that as long as I judge myself to be trapped, so shall I be limited by that judgment. Herein, I stop judging myself as being trapped, and I stop looking for the shortest way or any-way out, and instead correct my relationship with what is here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a goal of having people see that which I have yet to even see, realize and understand myself. I commit myself to present to others only what I understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to verify/prove everything so as to be certain, and within this not see, realize and understand that “being” is a definition/limitation. Nothingness in the principle of equality and oneness within what is best for all, however, is undefined and therefore limitless. Herein I commit myself to the process of arriving at nothingness so as to be able to create me as an absolute stand in the principle of oneness and equality within what is best for all.
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June 22, 2012

Day 42: Why is Irrelevant

It’s funny because for so long, I’ve had this question – “Why are so few people able to hear/see the message of Desteni/Existence?” It’s like so many of my other questions of mind that I’ve had a lifetime of tendency to ask – always the most difficult questions, for which I’ve rarely received any answers; that is until I crossed paths with Desteni. Looking back at me asking some of those questions; I rarely expected answers – they were more for me to force myself out of my standing of fear, and perhaps to rattle some – whom I perceived, might think me out of place. As with then, I still have many questions; but now at least I’m certain as to where to find the answers – right here within and as me, the who I am in each moment. I spent the first three years studying the Desteni material, from the stand-point of looking for the angle. And had the message been anything short of absolute Oneness and Equality, I’d still be searching for that angle. Thankfully, I’m no longer searching for answers – those will be found in the who I am (or am not) in the moments to come. As for angles, I’ve got plenty to go around; the most prominent as I see it is, “why am I doing this? Because it’s logical and right” That’s me as the mind. I could also say, “for existence,” but that wouldn’t be completely true, because I don’t even know who/what existence is. For the people? Maybe, but to be honest, I sometimes wonder if these acquaintances of mine aren’t just avatars, and the real version of them is in some other dimension doing what I’m doing and seeing me in the same way I see them – I can’t even wake them up! Earth, nature, and the animals? Most definitely; they’re at the top of my list of reasons to walk through Hell if necessary – to realize equality and oneness. But, there’s one more aspect that I seem to be getting out there – the aspect of this process being an adventure, the journey of a lifetime and more – the chance to face all that I’ve ever feared, let go of everything; and in the end – which is also the beginning – no longer be just a question.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am able to make a difference in this world/existence, and all that I need to do is be aware within and as each and every moment – here within and as breath – so as to push through the resistances, so as to reprogram the mind, so as to align all that I am – here within and as the physical–to that of equality and oneness, so as to stand as an example and assist in creating a new world-system based on the principle of Equality and Oneness, and so on. Definitely cool!

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be here within and as the physical, but conveniently unaware of all that the physical is, consists of and as; and within this, being here but unaware, have allowed the mind, which I once thought was I, to reign misuse and abuse unto the physical, as separation.

I see/realize/understand that I have been unaware for far too long, lost a way, hidden in the fog; and now as the haze clears, there is no place to run and no place to hide from that which I have accepted and allowed in the name of the mind. I am here! I am here! I am here! Within and as this stance, I commit myself to no longer accept and allow the luxury/spite of procrastinating, pretending, catering, indulging, and all those other adjectives that add up to “wasting time.” I commit myself to directing me to stay on this path which I am now clearly beginning to see; so as to strive, together with the group to get these tasks done – step through that little hole in the needle, and see to it that this world is a place of oneness and equality before I die. That’s my commitment to Life.

When and as I find myself at the point of pretending that I am incapable of pushing through resistance and assisting me as existence, I stop, breathe, and realize that I wouldn’t be here is I wasn’t fully capable of doing this. I see realize and understand that the points of resistance are the doors of invitation for me to push through. Resistance is just a program – it’s not real and it’s not me. The key is me within and as the realization that the resistance is the illusion to be walked through. Focus on breath, what is best for all – equality and oneness. Just as I (in looking at the message of Desteni) would have accepted nothing less than absolute Oneness and Equality; so too will those as me, accept nothing less – of me.

June 10, 2012

Day 33: Not wanting to change

I see (for the hundredth time) that I often manipulate words. I see that my self-forgivenesses have become shorter and shorter. Within writing, I often wander from point to point, circling around many or most of the points that I most require to direct. The words read well and sound convincing, but too much of it is just self as personality/ego manipulating self to make it look as though I am standing/changing. I wonder if I am not just hiding me as ego, behind the writing. I resist change at so many points because I have no definition for who/what I will be within and as that change. I guess that falls under the category of, fear. There is something within/as me that moves me forward, a certainty that this is the process within which to move me; giving up is not an option.

Not wanting to Change:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I could/would change, while in the same breath, accepting and allowing certain parts of me as the mind to remain because I like those suits and don’t want to change them. I see/realize/understand that this position is beyond silly. How could I possibly establish oneness and equality / a single standing-point within and as me, from a starting point of allowing free-will – the right to pick and choose which points to keep and which points to let go of? I realize and understand that free-choice – the choice to hold on to certain aspects of the mind/ego is the right to spite life, and it’s hypocritical. Thus, I commit myself to stop defining these mind-activity points as either positive or negative and to stop justifying their energetic existence. I commit myself to be ‘more’ diligent in stopping and forgiving ‘every’ point that comes up within and as the mind. I commit myself to thoroughly investigate why it is that I still desire to drink alcohol, and socialize.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to and maintain the parts of me that I don’t want to change. I see that the parts of me that I don’t want to change are the parts that I have given position to over me, and that these personalities – in not wanting/accepting change – are only concerned with their own survival: “What would I/they be if I/they am not that?” I will only understand the answer once I am it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that that which fear for its survival and is afraid to let go of itself, only exist within and as the mind. If I can’t let go of ‘everything,’ how will I ever be certain of what I am? I commit myself to (through the process of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application) letting of ‘everything’ until I am absolutely certain of what I am as life, and within this process, to stand as an example that mistakes can and will be retaken until they are all corrected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write words, but not live them. When and as I find myself at the point of writing words that I am not certain I will live, I stop, breathe, slow down, and write words that I will stand by; it’s a process, and there’s no sense in writing just for the sake of writing.

May 25, 2012

Day 26: The ‘More’ negative-energy experience – defined as, positive-energy experience

I’m beginning to see how and why from the start of time, I/we internally as the mind have been moving ourselves within and as a starting point of friction or negative-energy experience, searching for the ‘More’ negative-energy experience – defined as, positive-energy experience. And how we have created the External/money-system in the image and likeness of the Internal/mind. Just as I/we from the moment of conception start moving/feeding off the physical substance/life in and as the human female body, so to does the world system of money feed off the physical substance/life/Earth so as to have the ‘More’ energy experience.
For a ‘More’ detailed explanation, see: “Heaven’s Journey to Life.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my search for excitement/fulfillment has always actually been my mind’s search for the ‘More’ energy experience – defined as ‘positive’. When and as I find myself at the point of searching for excitement, I stop, breathe, and realize that this search for excitement is the mind’s means of placing me in a situation to create friction so as to extract energy from substance. The key to stopping this cycle is me, remaining here within and as breath, and not allowing myself to participate within and as the reactions/illusions of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself see/realize/understand that the starting point within and as me as the mind’s search for the ‘More’ positive energy experience was/is my mind’s addiction to that positive energy experience. Withdrawal symptoms/reactions – fear, uncertainty, etc., are of the mind’s arsenal. The key is me, remaining here within and breath, and not allowing myself to be drawn into the Ego’s trap – traps which are specifically designed by me as the mind to entrap me. To avoid the trap is to not participate within and as the illusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that my movements as a human being have always been from a starting point of me as mind, seeking first to survive and then to thrive.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that for me as the mind to survive and thrive, I as a human being whither and die. And so it has been throughout time, the mind converting physical/life/substance into energy, sucking it dry until we as human beings shrivel-up and die. But in the end with the last breath, whereas the physical/life/substance return to its origin-Earth, I as an individual mind (without an energy-source/the physical human body/battery), no longer exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a system/mind that feed off of physical substance/life/me, like a parasite that feeds off of its own flesh and keeps eating and eating, believing that it must to survive, until its last breath – only to realize that… To hell with that ending: I choose to just stop this energetic experiment and return to a state of equality and oneness, where time is not an obstacle, and the only value is life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste time enjoying the benefits of having a “More’ or positive energy experience, leaving others no choice but to endure the negative, not seeing/realizing/understanding that I as a singularity-separated from the whole am that parasite feeding off of the whole/me. Not seeing that those who have less – also singularities separated from the whole/me – are me. We are all parasites feeding off of the whole/physical substance/ourselves so as to have our short energetic experiences we call life. But how can this be life if it does not last the test of time?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take a go slow approach (like a train slowly building up speed), because – not yet trusting in me, not yet certain where the words are coming from – I fear that the words will outpace my deeds, and so I justify. But, what would I have others as me do if I were on lesser/negative side of world money system? When and as I find myself at the point of justifying why I am still accepting and allowing me to abuse life, I stop, breathe, and move me towards a standing that will stand the test of time. I realize that I’m not going transform me overnight. It is a process within and as which I require me to diligently move myself forward, and continue moving.

April 11, 2011

Trancending a Time loop or a point

Alright, maybe it’s not a time loop, but it’s definitely a point that perhaps I have or am in the process of transcending. Today, just before going to work, an FB friend sent me a message which said, “hey, no hard feelings. just tired of your destini gibberish.” When I came home from work and was going to reply, I saw that he had already defriended or blocked me from Face Book. As has happened so often in the past, my attack personality immediately stepped forth, ready to put together some really nasty words designed to hurt. But I stopped it – I applied self forgiveness, and instead, I wrote the following email:
Hi —,
I was just going to respond to your message of “hey no hard feelings, I’m just tired of hearing the Desteni gibberish.” I was going to say, cool that there are no hard feelings, because I don’t have any either. I’m in the process of changing myself, and that which I stand for – which obviously is going to include changing the words that I use. For me to expect that I’m still going to be welcome in relationships/groups that I once participated in, would be expecting others to be unconditional. I don’t expect that from others. Anyway, just to be clear (from my perspective) there are no hard feelings, no blame, and no judgments.

Less than a minute after I sent this email, I noticed that I had been unblocked. And then I recalled an email exchange between us that had happened some years ago in which I had sent an email to him (without first seeing a previous email that he had sent to another address). What perused was not dignified and could have been avoided had I just not accepted and allowed self to participate within and as back chat. This time, I recognized the back chat, I stopped or slowed it, I applied self forgiveness, and took self corrective measures.
Time loop, transcendence, or whatever it’s called – I’ll call it progress. Actually, having slept on it, I’m not going to call it progress. I’ll just call it what it is – process within the I Process

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