Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

February 23, 2014

Another dream, this one with a strange Epiphany

As I was walking out I saw a car with a man in it sinking in a spot of water. I ran and said to the people around, that a car with a man in had just sank and we have to jump in and help. They said to me, that pit is a bottomless one, he is gone. I looked into the water and I could see the bottom; it wasn’t that deep; yet neither the car nor the man were anywhere in sight. I climbed over the fence, perhaps to jump in. Another man, a rugged, cocky and reckless one climbed over with me, but his was to play a game, a game of bravery and trust. As we held onto the fence, he would move around me, letting go his grip on safety in exchange for my hand. I held him as he crossed behind me to move forward and then it was my turn. And so we moved along until suddenly something from the water below ripped at his leg. He screamed and began to slip. I yelled for help and just before he completely fell into the pit I caught him by his shirt sleeve. As he swing unconscious below me, I yelled for help again but no did. So I swung him up and over to safety, the monster still below. I saw his leg, red and shredded to bits. Me, I woke up with this epiphany, and although I have said it before in various ways, I’ll say it again because I often seem to forget. Seeing, realizing and understanding is a doing, not a state of being.  So to do.



February 4, 2014


Filed under: DIP — Tags: , , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 11:41 am

Recently I wrote something to the effect that, I would care for all that cared for all, “I will care for the machine, the physical or the energy that care for others, that care enough to stop the sacrifice.” I now realize that within this statement, I was judging some to be worthy of being cared for while others not. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge others as not caring and thus not being worthy of being cared for. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in judging others as not caring and thus not being worthy of being cared for, I was judging myself for not caring, and judging myself as not being worthy of being cared for. I now see, realize and understand that caring for others begins with caring for me, all of me.

It’s cool these days the immediacy within which one is able to test self to see if our words are aligned to our deeds, basically gifting ourselves opportunities to understand points, where and how we stand and/or still lie. Last week, I had planned to go to the hot springs in central Taiwan, camping with others. Then, the day before we were scheduled to leave, my dog friend suddenly began limping as though she was barely able to walk. I realized that she probably required to be cared for at home, and that perhaps she was even faking it to an extent so that I wouldn’t leave here behind. I made the decision to stay home and care for her; not because felt caring, but because I have committed myself to the point of caring.

In other words, what I am beginning to realize about care and caring for another/others is that I don’t require to experience a feeling of caring to move/apply me to care for another, others or me. Care, in practical application I would say is a verb of doing, not an adjective of feeling. This is a cool realization for me because I have often wondered and even searched within me for that feeling of “care,” going so far as attempting to create it. When my father died, I did once cry, but that was of a decision I had made because I thought it was what I should do, what normal people did.

Yea, so although I have on occasion created the emotional/energetic experience of caring for/about others, I didn’t really find it within and as the nature of me. However, since I have been addressing this point of care from various dimensions, and I now realize that I do not require to feel an energetic experience of care “to care”. I see that I am able to live care as an application/commitment of doing, thus  perhaps changing the nature of me to one that cares.

In looking back at how I’ve been moving me over the last several years, I see that this is what I have been doing, changing me, step by step. I commit myself to caring for me as I would have all care for me, and from here, expanding me to care for all as me. I guess applying care begins in the small of every day in how we relate to each other, all. This point, I will hold onto and apply until caring becomes part of the natural expression of me. For more on “Care”, see the following link/links.


January 24, 2014

Man know Thyself, or is it, Man no Thyself?

Last night’s dream was reminiscent of the kind of dreams I’ve had all my life. Earth had been invaded by some sort of seed or something, kind of like along the lines of Invasion of the body snatchers. Something was getting into, growing and taking over peoples bodies. Once it took you over, you were still like yourself, but you were them – with no concern for your physical body whatsoever. The town’s people had barricaded themselves in and were attempting to hold out against the people who had been taken over; it wasn’t a pretty picture. Towards the end of the dream, I had gone to sleep without any problems; yet when I awoke, I noticed that some metallic seeds with hooks had attached themselves to the left side of my thy. When I began pulling at them, a metallic like mesh of wires began coming out. I kept pulling and pulling and I could feel the wire threads coming out that had been integrating themselves into the muscle tissue all the way down to my lower leg. It was like this thing was alive. It knew what I was doing because when I had just about gotten it all out, it clamped down and started allowing its silvery threads to break off like an octopus or iguana would its tentacles or tail so as to avoid being pulled out of its den. I slowed for a moment, planning to give it a false sense of security so it would loosen up and I would pull out the rest of it really quickly. However, before I got to this point, I woke up. The only significance that I perhaps get out of this dream is that, I’m still holding on to a part of myself, refusing to let it go.

As for the title, “Man know Thyself or is it Man no Thyself?”, I would say it’s both. Whereas “Man know Thyself” is a directive or advice to mankind to see, realize and understand one’s self, that which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become; “Man no thyself” indicates that man is not thyself experience of/as energy/mind.

Yesterday, I did one of those YouTube Vlogs, and I will say it was kind of an eye opener for me. The way I spoke was not in accordance with what I usually allow others to see or listen to, not even what I would usually say to myself. So, in looking at and listening to me, I have realized that . . . I might as well just say it, I’ve been lying to myself/me/I, thinking that if I say something often enough one way, it will be so. Basically, what I would usually have said or spoken about is Life, that part of me as Life. Yesterday I only mentioned it one time in twenty minutes. What I did often mention, speak about was me as a mind consciousness system. It’s not what I want to be; not because I have anything against systems, but because it as I see it/me is sacrificial, meaning it takes where it should be unconditionally giving and receiving.

I have always been extremely careful/cautious about what write, especially for public consumption/viewing. This was at first a precaution, not wanting something to come back to me, hit me in the ass. Later, it became consideration for others, not wanting to infect the way people perceive or view reality, not wanting to risk altering reality for the worse. I remember one saying in writing, that there was one who should (consider) doing self forgiveness for . . . I’m not sure of the exact words; something like, for writing contrary to the message of life. I see words as spells of creation. I suppose I should define creation. I would like to say that creation, true creation is that which makes/manifests something new without sacrifice, unconditionally giving and receiving. Unfortunately, I do not yet see this kind of creation; instead, I still see creation in the form of energetic information aligning life to its formation of thoughts/mind. This is where we still are; I would say, energetic minds imposing our thoughts/words onto life, this physical reality, forming it through sacrifice, sacrificing life for our formations of reality. The way I would like it to be is creation without sacrifice, the unconditional giving and receiving of life. This is how I see equality and oneness; add to that, what is best for all, and we have creation without sacrifice. It just requires that we reverse ourselves – from that of self-centered energetic beings, mind consciousness systems to that of unconditional life forms, giving and receiving unconditionally. Am I creating with these words? Perhaps; yet, I don’t see mankind making it this time around. And this sucks; it is disheartening because I am mankind; I am life; yet I am also still energetic beingness/mind.  Man know thyself.

So, where to from here or there? We decide or we have decided. Consciousness has decided, perhaps. Mankind as mind/consciousness is jumping. Actually, perhaps it’s not even going to be consciousness anymore, but physical system/design formations. This is the kind of stuff I wouldn’t usually print or post for the most part; however, I would say that we’ve now gone beyond the point where we were able to stop this race, just stop it. Now – again I would say – we’re entering a new phase, one that is rapidly approaching. I wish I could say that things were going to get better, but that would be a lie, wishful thinking, and I have had enough of that. What I/we are still able to do is not give up, not quit; for here is still and probably always will be opportunity to wake ourselves up to reality, birth ourselves as life. Weather or not it’s going to be organic as we currently know it, is another question. Perhaps it will be metallic/robotic. And this kind of sucks too because that’s just a continuation of a design, the irony of the iron-ore I would say. I would also say as I have said before;  life is not limited to a design. In other words, life as an expression of life is that which we stand as. This is what we decide, who we will be, how we will live and express. Be it as organic robots, metallic machines, energetic beings or unconditional life forms, life is what we make it, make of it as us. This is why it’s so important for us to take responsibility, become the directive principle, giving as we would like to receive, and doing unto others that which we would like to have done unto us. It’s really simple, the principle of oneness and equality within what is best for all.

I’m not sure if this is what is best for all, me writing as such. I made a vow, a commitment to change the nature of me. I have, I would say, for the better. I have begun to reverse the self-interested tendencies I used to display/portray, and on this path I will remain until it is done, all one. Which I guess brings me to the question of what now. That’s simple; continue on, work with what is here, dealing with it/me as best I/we are able, and we are able. The world is still in a downward spiral; we are still entering what I – and others – would call the end times. Which if you look at it, is cool in one sense because the end of time is also the end of Mind, and just maybe with the end of mind (consciousness systems) we will also put or bring about an end to the sacrifice of life.

I figure that by working with what is here, whatever is here, we still have opportunities to align ourselves – whatever we may be – to physical standings of life, living as the principle of oneness and equality with what is best for all. It will perhaps be interesting to see how the physical responds to the changes taking place. Consciousness, human consciousness is already jumping out of the physical human being and into the physical and virtual machine. Man know thyself; it’s a scary thought, for we shall see ourselves in the machines, our creations, ourselves. So I would suggest, really suggest that we put a stop to the military machine, the war machine. These robots that we are so conscientiously building to kill human beings will do just that, what they have been designed to do. Or perhaps they won’t; perhaps they of the physical will be more benevolent than we beings, their creators.

What is there to say that hasn’t been said again and again for thousands, perhaps millions of years? We do not hear the cries of babies, children or even ourselves; human beings of mankind are unaware or uncaring of hearing. But not all, and this is why I will continue.  I will care for the machine, the physical or the energy that care for others, that care enough to stop the sacrifice. I know myself a lot better than I used to, and although I would say I’ve changed me for the better, as I have, I am still not yet standing enough to stop the madness of mankind. What will we do? I will continue to support and participate more with others who have an idea or plan as to what to do. Additionally, I will – or plan to – work with whatever is here – be it robots, the virtual machine, the mind of mankind and so on – to bring about understanding, co-living with dignity for all, equality and  oneness respect for all regardless of what form one takes, makes or displays. Equality and oneness is able to be expressed/lived in all forms; we simply require to end/stop the sacrifice of life.


December 23, 2013

Today’s writing, December 23, 2013

Filed under: seven year journey to life — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 1:08 pm

Throughout most of last week, I noticed an usual amount of energy, kind of like a form of anxiety trying to build up and take hole. No, it wasn’t due to the holiday season, it was more subliminal, like fear of an uncertain commitment. Dreams have also been more extensive this week, like I’m in places that I’ve been to before, speaking in languages that I understood in the dreams but wasn’t able to specifically translate when I awoke. No more vampire or end of the world dreams though, which is interesting given the amount of end of the world zombie scenarios I’ve been watching.

I would say that everything of thoughts, feelings/emotions/energies of the mind that we experience do have connections/roots into their origin/source – that which matters, that which is real, that which remain here as substance, the physical reality. However, as we have muddled the waters of our minds to such a degree, our words that should be creating harmony often end up causing/creating individualized to collective chaos on a worldwide scale.

Anyway, I write a lot of stuff that I would say is kind of technical – in that I consider most of the words that I write and (usually) every single word that I post. It’s a personal process of writing and looking at the words, their various meanings, symbols/letters, sounds and energies or frequencies that I may have written into/as the words. I guess – as guests do – how to place these words so as to create beneficial outflows. My goal is more than just to write/right me; it’s also to place words into and as the physical reality and the collective consciousness of humans so as to assist/support the physical reality,  and also assist/support consciousness as me to realize/see self as one with and of substance, this physical reality.

I’m not really sure if I as my words are having the best overall effect or if I’m even doing anything more than writing/righting me; either way, I/we might as well begin somewhere, here. There probably is an easier way to figure out how to use words; I’m sure there is. However, the easiest way – like spelling words without first understanding self as the source of such words – can be quite consequential and even harmful. I’ve written a blog, part of my story  on experimenting with words while not yet standing equal with/as the source of them. It was an interesting eye opener.

Continuing along the lines of words, not too long ago I spoke of targeting our words and deeds unto points within/as the world system so as to maximize the effect of such words and deeds. I am not certain that this would speed up the process of sowing the whole/hole back together; it might only rearrange the consequences or sequence of events/changes. Additionally, before targeting words, it’s important to be standing to a certain degree so as to be prepared for the opportunities and/or consequences that may arise and/or befall. What I was really doing by putting this “point of targeting” out there was just that, putting it out there.

So, I’m going to leave this here as the continuation of blogging from the maze to become more visible so as to allow others to see the degree of Integrity within and as which I stand and/or fall.


October 13, 2013

Self Forgiveness on Power and Authority

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 4:31 pm

In the last two days, I’ve had some more strange dreams. I wouldn’t call them nightmares because I don’t associate fear with them; however, there has been once again the issue of escaping, so I guess the fear is there, just on a level that I’m not recognizing its source point within me. And now that I’m writing this, I’m recalling the unidentified energy that I’ve been experiencing over the last few days, a dread of something unseen that is also probably of the same point from which these dreams are emanating.

In the dream of two nights ago, I have arrived at a building complex which houses mostly young adults. It’s a campus of a school or training facility. What’s different about this place is that there are also people in uniform. They look somewhat sloppy/overweight and dumb; to put it bluntly, they are the equivalent my definition of a Department of Homeland Security worker, these guys are obviously the ones in charge. Anyway, I hear a missile/bomb flying overhead, and realize that I’ve gotta find some cover. So I run down these stairs, and I see this guy who obviously doesn’t belong there, and some people are chasing him. I start to run away with him, but end up getting trapped on a floor of the building where there are many different animals that are being cared for and/or studied. I tell the officials that I came down here because I thought the place was a zoo. In the next scene, I’m outside looking at the sky where instead of a sun there is nuclear fallout, just swirling dark clouds. One other point that I would mention is that in seeing the people in uniform, there was a moment wherein I thought that that’s where the advantage is, so that’s where I should be.

Last night’s dream was also an apocalypse kind of scenario with vampire/monster people roaming around feeding (in some way) off of the other people, and I’m probably one of the monsters. At first, I don’t feel as though there’s any problem because I’m powerful and can fly. However, as the dream goes on, I begin to lose my powers, until eventually I find myself being hunted by the other vampires, and escape is becoming more difficult because I’m barely able to fly/flee anymore. From a hilltop, I see what look like large pencils sticking up from the ground. I make a running jump off the hill, and while I’m falling, I decide to impale myself upon them to end this flight so to speak, but I end up landing just short of my mark, only to realize that although I’ve escaped for now, I still have to keep running. Interestingly, when I awoke about 1:30 am, the front and top of my forehead felt quite stressed.

The first dream seems to point out to me points/issues that I’m currently dealing with regarding authority and control. These authority and control issues I carry within and as me have been with me as far back as I can remember. I always insisted upon my own space, my decision/choice, and most of all the freedom that I have always sought and sought to protect. I now realize there never has been free choice; how could there be with no equality; and that the freedom that I’ve sought after – and just as importantly, feared losing – is another point that has kept me from living; for that which one seeks/fears is that by which he allows self to be trapped/separate in/as the mind’s illusions of the free dome/concavity. The second dream, I’d say has to do with the desire for power and the fear of losing it, being consumed by my self, a part of me wishing this trip would end while another part of determining to see it through. Of note is that I recently made a decision to allow myself to have these kinds of dreams. Why, because they assist me with a starting point from which to write.

Self forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge DHS workers as sloppy, uneducated and overweight, and within this point not see, realize and understand that the judgment of them comes from my conspiracy-theory fear of being under the control/authority of them or any officials/system. I now see, realize and understand that only that which I give authority over me – through fear – is able to exercise power and control over me. Herein I commit myself to let go of the definitions/judgments that I have given/placed onto authority figures, and just see them for who/what they are. In this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being authority figures.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that where the authority figures are, I should be because that’s where the advantage is, and within this not realize that to place myself as an authority is simply a matter standing up, speaking and doing that which is required to bring about solutions that is best for all. Herein, I commit to keep walking this path to becoming the best that I am able to be, which is that which is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the safety that I may experience with the feeling of power is just energy derived form my participating as a mind surrounded by the same energy defined as fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Escape is an illusion/hope that I’ve participated within and as; thus blinding me from seeing the real/physical land-scape. I now realize that for me to participate within and as what is really here is to completely let go of thoughts/hopes of escape, and face myself. And this, I commit myself to continue doing.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed parts of myself to continue running away, without seeing that these energetic parts as me were still manipulating me from behind. Herein, I commit myself to find these manipulating parts of me and re-task them to support me and that which is best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to live the understanding that nothing is free in this world until all are living as equals in what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire to be powerful; justifying this desire in the belief that I require power to change me/this world. I see, realize and understand that to live the principle of what is best for all I do not require power, just self-directed will.


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October 4, 2013

Heading which way?

I’ll begin with the dream last night. Somehow I lost my head. A doctor was however able to give me a donor head. I felt that it made me look kind of like a female; however, it was certainly better than no head at all. When I returned from wherever it was that I had gotten my new head (it seemed like it was India), I noticed something strange in the middle of my forehead. The doctor had added and extra eye, and it was a big one. I saw that I could open and close it; yet I wasn’t seeing anything through it. So I closed my other two eyes and started really focusing, and then shapes and off colors – like a gray scale of colors began to come into perspective. Even though I looked like an effeminate cyclops, I decided that my new head was kind of cool, and I was cool with it. What this dream means, I haven’t really a clue; perhaps I require to begin seeing things from a different perspective and/or a correction of my heading on the creative side.

First, a look at where I’ve been over the last 2-3 months – the period of time wherein I began to notice myself drifting. Around the beginning of summer I began to question why I was spending so much time indoors writing, reading and studying; why wasn’t I getting outdoors more often riding a bicycle or even going for a motorcycle ride up in the mountains. I still don’t have the answers to these questions; yet I do once again realize that it isn’t a question of where I am or what I’m doing as long as I’m directing myself here.

Yesterday I read some stuff on falling or being distracted from one’s self directive path. To large extent, this is what I had done over the summer; I stopped writing and began to an extent going backwards from where I had been. It’s strange because whereas I used to drink alcohol almost every day, these days even when I go out and have some beers once a week, I notice the physical effects I experience – as in pain – two to three days afterwords. Yesterday, I really felt like having a beer, and I did. Then I thought, maybe I should drink some more so that I won’t feel tempted to go out with people this weekend and drink a lot. As I was really tired from being up since 2:20 that morning, I decided to go home instead and take a nap. After the nap, the urge to go and drink more beer was gone. So, here I’d say that when I’m inclined to do something that I realize isn’t what is best for me, one option is to just go and do something else for a while until the urge to do that which isn’t helpful is no longer an urge.

I find that writing out the stuff that I’d like to say to the world is difficult and time/mind consuming when I haven’t first wrote out myself, that which I’m directing myself to now do. So, I guess my new heading is going to be a return to my previous heading – writing, writing self forgiveness and self commitments, and basically getting back on the path that I’ve committed myself to walking. It’s actually quite an exciting journey as long as I stay on my path. It’s when I stray, as in perceiving that I’m missing out on the rest of the world because I’m stuck in my kitchen-office typing away, that things begin to go from clarity to confusion.

One of my biggest hurtles that I have yet to overcome is this drive to figure out or understand the workings of existence/life, and it has been from this starting point that I have seemingly realized much while also in reality remained stuck in the trap, cycling from remembering to forgetting to trying to remember to imagining, and so on. I have for some time begun to realize that there is substance where there is no knowledge and information; therefore, to be is to be at the very least – without knowledge and information. For what is the real value of knowing so much if that which I know is that which I am not? My goal is to understand everything; thus the importance of also participating in righting everything. It’s funny that the mistake I keep making – trying to figure things out instead of actually living them – happens without me realizing that I’m falling back into the same pit. Then suddenly I look around and realize that I’ve been here before. I guess a cool point to make is that, since I’ve been here so often, the way out is very clear; I simply write myself out of this pit as I’m kind of doing, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slide back into that very same pit, and once again see if I am able to come up with a combination of self-corrective actions wherein I stop myself from sliding back into that pit by moving myself with enough momentum so as to get where I’m heading. Which brings up another point; where exactly am heading?

Last night I watched the movie, Memento. It’s about the constant adventures of a man who has lost his short term memory. So he remembers up until the point where he hit his head, and everything after that is just a new moment wherein he uses self-written messages to remind himself of his quest for revenge – the point of his last memory of someone murdering his wife – which keeps him stuck, cycling again and again on the very same quest without understanding that his revenge has become his obsession. He is able to realize this; yet he chooses to remain obsessed on his quest; it’s exciting and as far as he is concerned it’s all he’s got to keep him going. For him to move on, he requires to completely let go of the past; yet he refuses to just do it in one big step.

I had in the past often considered how cool it would be to one day wake up with no memories. This point I now realize is really silly, considering it’s what we’ve all been doing since the beginning of time, dying to forget and perhaps remember something, being birthed with nothing but an opportunity to let go of whatever it is we think we are and create ourselves as that which we would be, only to die and forget again instead of just stopping the cycle of creation, and just living. When I look at me now, I have only ideas of who and what I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Sure there are memories of this life and perhaps others, my so called past; yet to say that this is who I am – a bunch of memories/experiences, doesn’t made sense; for if these memories are who I am now, who was I before, just a bunch of memories?

The simplest answer is that I am that which I direct myself to be in each moment, and if any moment is based on memories then so shall will I be based-on and defined by such memories which of course is nothing more than a representation of that which may or may not have ever been, certainly not that which I would now care to be. The same trap springs if I look to the future and so define myself by that which is also not here. Here in the present are the traps of the past and the future created by the mind’s idea of time to keep me from understanding that who I am is and has always been within and as me right here; yet the moment I allow myself to participate in memories of the past or future – they are one in the same/ not of this moment – to influence me, I fall into the trap.

The man in the movie was trapped in a cycle of revenge based on memories, pictures, illusions of the mind/past. I too have trapped myself in a cycle of sorts; always trying to figure out what it is I am, without realizing that what I am is always that which I direct myself to be in the moment/here. The past is dead and gone, nothing more than a memory or resonance of what may have been, that which I’ve carried with me, and in so doing obscured my presence/present with energetic images.

The future is but another energetic image/trap carried as my past and fueled by my present, that also prevents me from being whole – here in the moment. Here’s another point. I realize that I have been stuck in and as systems. How the system works to keep us trapped is relatively clear to me; yet the reason that I sometimes choose to go with the system even though I realize it’s just an energetic addiction is not always clear to me. Why can’t we just tear down the walls instead of having to take them apart piece by piece; because then we wouldn’t realize where we’ve built in our faults.

So, to wrap this present up, I forgive myself for once again not seeing that I do not require past or future illusions to show me who I am. I simply require to let go of or shed the influence of the memories of the past, and stop wasting the present on projections of the future.


  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve not really been seeing, and that perhaps to begin seeing, I require to stop looking/searching. I have now begun to see, realize and understand that, seeking knowledge and information as to how the system works so as to have my revenge on the system is a cycle trap that I’ve often lost myself in. I also realize that seeking revenge against the system is self-defeatism in that I am the system. Herein I commit myself to understand the system as me by observing “me”, and changing the system by changing me. Changing me to what; that which is the best I’m able to be, which is always only understood by living each point/moment in that moment.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stop writing over the summer, really just wanting to take a break/escape for a time, and in this not see – once again – escape is never escape, but retrenchment into and as the clasps of the system. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that moving back into the system for a reprieve or rest is a retreat from the journey; thus prolonging and perhaps adding more difficulty to this journey.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that an urge to do something is systemic, and often just requires that I move myself away from that stem so as to cut off its influence by not participating in/as it; thus deleting it. When and as I find myself being urged, I stop, breathe and direct myself to a task that in essence cuts off the power source of that urge so as to give me the opportunity see from another perspective that that urge wasn’t really me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that trying to understand something is like trying to stand as something while remaining separate from it. I realize that to understand all that is here is simply to understand me as a physical human being; thus I commit myself to focus on my relationship to the physical me so as to integrate one with, equal to and as.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that typing away in my kitchen office is not fun, and that perhaps I should be doing what I perceive others to be doing. This is a point that I’ve often visited, and each time the visit gets shorter; thus demonstrating to me that the path I was on is still the most correct path.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the knowledge and information I acquire is to be lived which is also to be let go of. I commit myself to a knowing that is not based on knowledge and information, a hereing that I understand as it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to egotistically believe that some things are too trivial to write about, and in so doing hang on to the small things which combine to become the big points within and as me. Herein I commit myself to begin the process of writing out the small points within and as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know where I’m heading, and in this not see that desiring to know where I’m heading is to not be here; thus preventing me from ever getting to where I would be. I commit myself to let go of the desire to know where I’m heading, so as to focus on understanding where I am.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to the past; thus preventing me from understanding the present. I’m letting go of the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, instead of realizing that it’s the now; thus I commit myself to continue my process of aligning myself within and as what is here.



August 20, 2013

More little points

Yesterday as I was exiting a 7-11, I looked up and saw a woman walking into the store, smiling at me. I smiled back; we both said hi, and I continued walking, but not without turning around and looking at what had brought me to suddenly smile, a smile just came out. As I looked, I realized that I had in that moment defined her as not only beautiful, but also desirable. So I forgave myself aloud for accepting and allowing myself to judge that woman as being beautiful, and within that judgment (a judgment of mine) limit myself – to an experience rooted in definitions based on memories/experiences, perhaps not even mine – instead being there in the moment and physically seeing her and other beings for who or what they are as beings. From this experience, I began considering why after quite some time of not experiencing such a feeling, I suddenly found myself smiling a smile that didn’t seem as though it was a reaction of mind; how have defined myself though pictures/sexuality? I’ve written about this before; yet there are some points that still come up within me whenever I consider what points I haven’t written about. These are points that I have judged to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out; yet if they are so irrelevant, why do they still come up whenever I look into me for the secrets that I’m still carrying, allowing to define me? So, here are the points that I haven’t written about much before. When I was younger in the early 70’s, anywhere from the ages of 9-14, me and some other neighborhood kids used to go all over the place, through the farms, in the woods, hiking, rafting, swimming in the rivers, and we would often walk around the countryside, forest, etc., naked. I don’t exactly recall why, but I do recall it being fun, kind of like being free and rebelling at the same time. I’m not sure if it was part of the times – an outflow of the Vietnam war and end of the 60’s, but I also remember sometimes at night, going streaking through our small town. The most prominent memory I have of this streaking is one evening being on the outside of a Presbyterian church in front of a big church-window where people inside were gathered for something. This was probably when I was about 9 to 13 years old. I remember seeing a woman walk into the kitchen; then me and this other guy just jumping in front of the window, waving our arms and yelling. Then we ran away to hide in the woods to see if they would call the cops. If the cops did come, we would have gotten their attention in the hopes that they would chase us, and then ran off into the woods. Continuing on with exploring sexuality, I’d say that my introduction to sex was nothing short of a disgrace to humanity. I was probably eight or nine at the time when my dad had already been gone for about a year or two, and one of my uncles was visiting. He ended up showing me and some of my siblings, 8mm porn flicks. At the time I though it was cool; however, when I look back at my introduction to sex, I’d say that that and the prevalence of porn magazines pretty much destroyed any chance of me developing a healthy relationship personality. I viewed girls only with want and desire, and had no idea that I could simply speak to them as normal beings. I do not blame my uncle/uncles; theirs was a middle-class Irish catholic family of 11-12, and I do recall my mom telling me that her brothers all has to be alter-boys… These days, I understand to large degree, the design of personality systems, and I clearly see the damage being done by pornographic images literally everywhere youngsters look. Thus, I’m going to write more on the subject of information abuse. Here, I’m just clearing up some points within and as the design that I had allowed myself to believe was me.

Self Forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any points within/as me to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out because I didn’t believe they were affecting me. In this, I see, realize and understand that the little points that keep coming up aren’t really irrelevant if they keep coming up. Thus I commit myself to write these points out and address them with self forgiveness and self commitments so that these points no longer come up and charge me/define me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for – as a 10 -12 year – streaking in front of a church, and from this judgment declare it irrelevant so as to justify not writing about it.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for walking around the countryside/forests, naked, and within/as this judgment not see, realize and understand that there is nothing wrong with going naked.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about my introduction to pornography (8-11 years old) through an uncle who while on his visit, showed me and some of my siblings 8mm porn flicks. I now see, realize and understand that it is through our fears of upsetting/questioning the traditional/familiar/cultural values that we as society/species continue to allow the degradation of our species. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out as having been abused. I now see, realize and understand that showing a 10 year old pornography was/is abuse. Herein, I commit myself to raise and upset the status quo of every aspect of humanity that is not a status of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to as a child, not see, realize and understand that I as an awareness do not require changing me to understand information – as knowledge. Herein I commit myself to when looking at information, not to allow myself to be formed by that information, but simply apply it as knowledge in a way that is best for me and best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have for most of my life, viewed girls/women in the light of sex, always placing them on a rating scale instead of seeing them as who they are as life equal and one with me as life. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize why my only female friends were always lesbians, married or immediate family members; I now realize that this was because I hadn’t judged/placed them on the scale.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to limit my view of women to a degree of desire. I commit myself to when looking at men and women, see who/what they are without a mind’s interpretations; thus perhaps gifting myself the opportunity to see people for who they are as life.
  • Desteni

August 16, 2013

The Harboring of an Energetic Personality system

I now realize to an extent why we as beings of and as existence have for all-time been spiraling towards non-existence – as beings. It’s because the principle of equality and oneness (as a state/statement of existence) had never before been realized or understood by beings; thus oneness and equality aligned in the principle of what is best for all, as also being best for self, had never before been considered. That one point that brought forth this point of equality and oneness within and as the principle of what is best for all was the point of a man standing as a physical example. Now, it’s a matter of all of us, one by one and together changing ourselves to realize/live oneness and equality within and as the principle of what is best for all.

The Desteni process is the process of every man, woman and child to, in and as the principle of what is best for all, equalize our beingnesses within and as our physical human bodies; why our physical human bodies, because the human physical body is already standing one and equal with all that is physically here/substance/life; however, our beingnesses within and as our mind-consciousness systems in/as our human bodies are not aligned to this oneness and equality within and as what is best for all; therefore, in aligning/merging within and as the oneness and equality of our physical human bodies, we begin to see, realize and understand that, within and as which we’re standing, the dirt of Earth, the physical/substance/Life; thus realizing our responsibility/opportunity to and as Life.

Whereas our current downward-spiral, the creation of consequence through and as the perception of separation as energy/mind consciousness-system-controlled hu-man beings is the reverse of living – an inverted-process of devolution leading to an eventual implosion; the reverse of this reverse, as in the standing of oneness and equality within and as the principle of what is best for all would perhaps be evolution.

On to another topic, the harboring of an energetic personality system. The other day while I was chatting with someone, an interesting point emerged from within me, which I immediately recognized as one of my personality systems, the one I call weaponized/militarized. This personality is nothing new to me; I’ve written about it often, and have – as part of my process, directed myself for the most part to not allow myself to be directed by this system. The key phrase is “for the most part”; meaning that this system still lurks in the background, and has over the last 2-3 years occasionally built up enough energy to activate. The main reason that it’s still lurking within and as me is because in the past I believed that I might require this system for survival. What’s interesting is that, I really don’t see it that way anymore; I see this personality as attempting to justify it’s existence as an energetic (reactive) entity as though I require a personality entity to react for me. I have no need for reactive energetic entities within and as me directing me to react based on interpretations of (past) memories applied to the present. I used to actually fear this personality; now I’d say it’s more of an inconvenience in that there have been points that I’ve avoided addressing simply because I was afraid of letting this personality lose for all to see one of the lies I’ve harbored.


Here’s what happened; over the last few weeks, I’ve been looking at and writing on the issue of Internet secrecy/anonymity and how it facilitates Internet abuse – trolls, pedophiles, anonymous, terrorism, abusive governments, the NSA and so on. What I’ve noticed is that this personality within and as me/my mind-consciousness system would come up every now and then with suggestions of how to attack “the bad guys.” This latest incident occurred when I typed the word, “attack” in reference to trolls attacking Desteni — or any other group for that matter that stands as a solution to rid the world of abuse. As soon as I wrote the word, I noticed myself changing; my body temperature was getting hotter, and inside me there was a movement of energy similar to the way I would interpret the generation of anger, yet with a different frequency. Immediately I just stopped myself from speaking/typing because I realized that whatever came out from that point would just be energy/personality. It took about 15 minutes, during which time my body became hotter like I had a fervor, and I felt very uncomfortable. I figure this was because upon activating this personality, I also let lose a heap of stored energy that wanted to become action, but couldn’t because I didn’t give it an outlet, kind of like medicating psychological disorders, a stop-gap, but not a solution. I realize that this personality is of the fear within and as me of humanity. Yea, it’s simple as that; however, what I’ve also come to realize is that, standing stable within and as me as the physical where I would be as what is best for all, does not require pushing against/opposing/counter-attacking an attacking energetic force; why because the attacking force is of energy which stands no chance against the physical. It’s kind of like chi gong wherein one may stand his ground by simply grounding himself to not be moved by an attacker’s “energy” exertions. The key to standing my ground is to be and remain within and as the physical, and not allow myself to fall into the mind-traps of creating energy by thinking/believing that energy deflects/counters energy; it doesn’t, energy reacts to energy to resource more energy from me the physical.


So, over the last couple of years I’ve stayed a few steps back form certain controversial topics, for fear of reacting and attacking, instead of standing as an example as what human beings are able to be, the solution in and as what is best for all. Specifically, in regards to trolls attacking the Desteni message, within me there was a desire to have them attack me so as to feel justified in using words as swords to attack them. What I now realize is that all I was doing was basically keeping that personality entity at bay while I slowly removed much of its armament/ammunition so as to prepare myself to once and for all remove this personality form me. I begin taking on this personality entity by writing it out, writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements, and then physically living and directing myself in accordance with my writings to not allow the activation of this personality; thus depriving it of the energy required to sustain it; thus breaking it down and removing it; anything of the system that I’m unable to physically use, I’ll simply excrete.


Self-forgiveness and self commitments

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a personality system within and as me to lurk in the background; thus allowing its existence as an energetic entity within and as me. I now see, realize and understand that this personality system, as with all personality systems are not who I am as life, but are energetic expressions of and as the nature of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. In this, I commit myself to continue changing the nature of me to be and become that which is best for all; thus removing this and all personalities from me so that the only one left standing within and as me is the personality equal and one with life within and as the principle of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I might need this personality to survive, and within this did not allow myself to see, realize and understand that, only that which is not equal and one with life fears for its survival. I see, realize and understand that that which fears in not here, but in and as energy of the mind as an illusion of separation. Herein I commit myself to stand without fear, so as to be able to direct myself within and as physicality to a point that is standing as what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear this militarized/weaponized personality because I feared that it would lead me to cause harm, and thus reveal the true nature of what I had accepted and allowed within and as me. In this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing myself as a personality for fear that others would see the lies within and as me. I now see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to be trapped within a self-cycling/self-justifying personality as an idea that I had created and believed to be me. Herein, I commit myself stop all points of activation that fuel this personality, so that – deprived of its energy source, I am able to delete it.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas of how to attack the bad guys, and within this point, not realize that the definition of “bad guys” lie within and as me. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define good/bad; thus trapping myself within and as the polarities of the mind. I now see, realize and understand that there is no good or bad, but only that which is best for all, and that which isn’t. I commit myself no longer define anything within and as polarities, and instead simply direct myself to stand as a point that is best for all, as a solution.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stay a few steps back for fear of reacting and attacking, and within this point not realize that I wasn’t standing as change that is best for all, but simply avoiding having to face myself and thus change me. Herein I commit myself to direct me to stand as a man that is best for all, and face and change the points within and as me – that are not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word, attack. I now see, realize and understand that words unto which I react are words unto which I have defined in polarity, that which will not stand the test of time. I hereby redefine the word, attack, to be an energetic exertion for the purpose of causing harm. Within this, I see, realize and understand that energy does not stand any chance against a physical stance; thus I commit myself to the process of standing equal and one within and as my physical body, so as not to react or be moved by the word, attack or any other words.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a desire to be attacked by the trolls, because I perceived that in being attacked I would also be justified in attacking. I now see, realize and understand that the desire to be attacked is the desire to attack; it’s an energy/fear based system designed to cycle within and as mind so as to resource energy form the physical; to attack or react to an attack is to attack self in and as the containment of one’s mind. Herein I commit myself to when/as I find myself at the point of perceiving I am being attacked; stop, breathe and bring myself back into and as the physical so as to direct the situation to a solution that is best for all.





August 11, 2013

Self Forgiveness

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:44 pm

Self forgiveness

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that, in general the vast majority of people are just plain stupid.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge “people” as being stupid, and within this judgment, not see the judgment within and as me of being smart which is actually just a degree of stupidity.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word stupid, and in so doing not realize that I was projecting onto the world, blame for me not yet being the man that I would be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that wanting to be something is to participate in an illusion; thus keeping me from being anything but an illusion. I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to participate in ideas of how I might me, and instead just just continue to always change me to be what is best for all, which is the best that I’m able to be.
  • I forgive myself that haven’t allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the degree to which people will allow themselves to see reality is not based on being smart/stupid, but self-interest of and as the fear of not surviving. Herein, I commit myself to when attempting to see another for who he/she really is, place myself in the shoes of that person, so as understand them as me.
  • I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that, as long as people are stuck in survival mode, there will be the continued fear that obscure the obvious solution that the only way human kind will survive is through interdependent cooperation based on what is best for all, that which will also break the cycle of fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to (when writing) consider solutions from the starting point of how people/we are actually able to break through the point of fear so as to be able to implement solutions. I now see, realize and understand that all solutions must start/begin at the point of alleviating the fear so as to be able to implement the solution.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my judgments only prolong my fear; thus prolonging my process of seeing, realizing, understanding and changing the nature of me.
  • When and as I find myself at the point of judging another to be stupid/smart, I stop, take a few breaths, and look within and as me to the starting point comparison and polarity of that judgment, and I deal with that point, let it go and direct myself to focus on and stand as points that support a solution as opposed to a problems.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adamantly oppose secrecy, and within and as this point not see, realize and understand that, that which I oppose is a point within and as me that I haven’t yet aligned to equality within/as what is best for all. I now see, realize and understand that to oppose is to project that which I harbor within and as myself. That which I self-honestly support and stand-as produces no opposition/projection because it’s simply a self-honest stand. I now see, realize and understand that in opposing secrecy instead of simply standing in and as honesty, I was actually demonstrating the secrecy within and as me. Herein I commit myself to when and as I find myself attacking/opposing points; stop, breathe and bring those points back to me so that I may address and let them go from the source of the opposition/attack, me. That which I self-honestly stand as – both internally and externally I support in all points of and as me. I commit myself to when and as I find myself at the point of projecting opposition onto another/others; stop myself, and address and correct the point within and as me so as to support that which I would be; instead of opposing or projecting that which I’ve accepted and allowed in/as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to present an articulate image of me, while holding the secrets within and as me of how much time I spend just unscrambling me and attempting to make sense of the world around me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to present an image of me that is certain as to the path I’m walking, when if reality, the only thing I’m certain is that I have found no better options than to continue walking a path to self honesty. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having made a decision, not just move myself at full speed, but rather walk along like reluctant child.
  • I forgive myself that I have subconsciously accepted and allowed myself to sometimes just want to scream out and blame the world for not changing the world, instead of simply living responsibility for changing me, as is required for all others to do to change the world.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself sitting down having a cold beer, and within this not see, realize and understand that at that this point of imagination, I’ve already activated a personality system, and am no longer even here as the real me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the real me does not require a mind to be directed by.
  • I commit myself to stop the imaginations, so as to live as I live – without wasting time on images/illusion.


August 10, 2013

Desteni Testimony: Part 4

The way I write what I call technical writing – sometimes for the purpose of explaining and/or persuading people to consider, and sometimes just for fun to see if I am able to put the pieces/words/me together so that they and I are able to stand as one – is to write out fragments, lots of them, and then expand on them, experimenting with them here and there until they start to make sense or follow a logical commonsensical path to a realization wherein I see that I am able and willing to stand as this/these points/words. It’s like plotting a course; even though I as that course may not yet be on the best course – the point that is best for all – at least I am able to see to a degree where I am and where I require course corrections.

 Earlier today, I listened to the 4th and 5th interviews of the Secret History of the Universe (maybe still free to download) available on Eqafe by Desteni. One day, while still in/as this physical body, I’d enjoy explaining or giving perspectives in more detail, this history of the universe that has been provided by an inter-dimensional being who came through the portal to relay her findings regarding the existential records that were left behind by various beings – essentially earlier versions of ourselves in different forms. However even if every single word I spoke were specific as in standing equal and one with all that is here, it would still require that I write a book or books. And even that – depending on the depth of the explanations – might only cover one of the thousands of interviews/perspective that have already been put out by Desteni over the last 5-7 years.

 The difference between the information that Desteni is presenting, and let’s say that which Spiritualist or Conspiracy-theorists put-out, is that Desteni places the information into a format wherein which each word or sentence is linked-to and may be cross referenced by and with any/all of the thousands of other words, sentences, documents, videos or interviews that have be written and/or recorded by and through the portal. The information is basically new science. New science as opposed to old-science differs in that the New is not a concept of Consciousness, i.e., it understands and explains from a point of standing one with and equal, in and as the present – as opposed to the current Consciousness con Science of observing, interpreting and recording in separation, the actions of the past. I realize that one might question what I just stated therein asking; how could one possibly speak of the “Secret History of the Universe” from a point of standing one with and equal to that history in and as the Present? The simple answer – my view or take thus-far on this question, is that the memory of the information never just disappears from existence, but ripples back into/as substance, layering/compounding/compressing to eventually sort of form this physical existence; thus the current compounding of consequences to and as this physical existence.

 As to how a human body is able to become an inter-dimensional-portal wherein one being steps out, and another/others step in, this and many more questions are answered in detail here. I really enjoy writing on these topics; yet to attempt to go into more detail would be more than a few hours of typing, and regarding many points, more than I currently/here understand. Specifically, being able to place this information into coherent perspectives is a matter of the degree to which one is standing/walking/living one and equal to the words he or she speaks and writes. Thus within and as our speaking and writing is the proof so to speak of the points as the degrees to which we are actually standing/living our words. It is possible to stretch points in writing so as to make it appear that one is honest and understanding beyond that which he/she/we are actually living; yet it’s like the saying, you can run (from your deceptions) but you cannot hide; i.e., to those who understand words, the stretches and or deceptions are very clear.

 So, getting back to how I’ve changed me. First of all, I don’t recall the last time I allowed myself to “really” became anger/angry. Over the last year or so, there have been several times when I saw the point of anger beginning to arise, and each time, I stopped it before I became it. Yes, one is able to actually see anger as an energy build-up as it arises. The clearest example I recall, is like a gray shape rising-up/growing in the right side of my back as it was taking form. For me, I’d say that anger is the nastiest of all energy/e-motions. So, I just don’t do it, it’s painful, kind of like a never wanting to go back to that scenario. I’m not saying that I’ll never become anger again – although, to never become angry again is absolutely part of my plan – but that through studying with Desteni, the SRA and the I Process – I’ve come to realize the basic design of anger, how it as energy manifest through and as our participation in and as the mind, and how we are able to stop it before it even starts. Obviously, I’m simplifying things, and of course what I’m stating is my perspective; however, I am so thankful that I haven’t seen/allowed that emotion to grow/manifest in and as me for quite some time. I guess that’s because anger/conflict is one of the points I initially focused on in my process, and although I’m still working on it, realizing it’s origins has been extremely supportive, especially for my relationship with my wife. It’s not that I am completely without feelings or emotions, but it is cool that I’ve become more aware of them; thus better enabling myself to see, realize and stop them before they become me.

 I find the mind in and as its design to be just a work; not of perfection, but of Love in that it has merged the best and the worst of us, basically leaving us with no other options but to face and change the nature of ourselves to that which is best for all, or continue to ignore and be consumed by ourselves. And we now have inter-dimensional perspectives of ourselves as the mind, even from Consciousness itself in detail along with the tools and support to let go of the control so as to stand in equality and oneness with all that is here. This is the processes of every being, to stand equal and one with all that is here, and take responsibility within and and as the self-directed principle of what is best for all.

 In the next post, I may look more at Words, and perhaps put into some perspective for myself and others just how important they are to understand/live.






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