Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 20, 2014

Writing on what I’ve been writing about

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 11:44 am


Taking a break from writing about Democracy for a moment, I will share some other aspects of my world. It’s not that I have been consumed with finding a new definition for Democracy, but is is mostly what I have been doing, writing it out, finding the flaws, rewriting and rewriting. What is there to say? It is a process that I have determined to participate within. It’s not so much that it’s what I want to do as much as it is something that I see requires to be done, and I do enjoy doing it. However, there is the blockage, like a wall between that which I am able to see as like a multidimensional picture of understanding the inner and the outer or big and the small of Democracy, how it works within and as life and how it’s been hijacked by consciousness and used as a tool of mind dominance over the physical body in the small and the world system at large, the Democracy of Money.

So I’ve got this picture and I get it, but when it comes to writing it in sentences that others will get, each word becomes something that also requires to be explained in depth, words like equality and expression. Yesterday I was wondering to myself; why is it so difficult to take what understanding I have and put these points into sentences that others are able to relate to? Perhaps it is because my understanding is not yet here or perhaps it is by design.

Perhaps it is both. One point that I have considered and am leaning to is that what I am able to put into sentences is where we are as humanity. In other words, I rarely if ever have found that I have come up with something new; it’s more like everything’s here and all I require to do is untangle it from the mess of lines within and as me. And this is what I do on a daily basis, untangle the information.

In looking anew at the word, Democracy, I realize that it is essential that we as humanity redefine this word to a single understanding, one agreement-in-principle as a new design of human collective-decision-making, collective determination.

In short, Democracy is simply the collective expression of “equality” wherein the nature of the collective is determined by the aggregate expression of all participants. The bottom line here is that, the degree of equality as the ability of each participant to express within the collective determines the degree of Democracy. And there is so much more that we require to basically reinvent or invent anew because even the Greek model of majority “rule” is far too limited to be called collective expression. I mean, expression is more than just yes or no, plus or minus; it’s omnidirectional and I guess multidimensional. These considerations, we are able to input into the new system of Democracy.

So, what I have been working on is looking at the Democracy of Life, and – honestly – seeing how we are able to systematize that to fit it into the world-system. Why? Because, although it is about changing ourselves from the bottom up, too many are not in positions (of money) to be able to even consider changing themselves. Therefore, I would say we also require to not only change ourselves but also bring about changes in the system, and this I realize is the purpose of LIG (Living Income Guarantee). However, for this to be requires the corresponding changes to government. It’s like, we understand where we need to get to, but to get there we require to build the new vehicle, of (real) Democracy wherein the people are moving the changes that are aligned to the standing of the people.








February 23, 2014

Another dream, this one with a strange Epiphany

As I was walking out I saw a car with a man in it sinking in a spot of water. I ran and said to the people around, that a car with a man in had just sank and we have to jump in and help. They said to me, that pit is a bottomless one, he is gone. I looked into the water and I could see the bottom; it wasn’t that deep; yet neither the car nor the man were anywhere in sight. I climbed over the fence, perhaps to jump in. Another man, a rugged, cocky and reckless one climbed over with me, but his was to play a game, a game of bravery and trust. As we held onto the fence, he would move around me, letting go his grip on safety in exchange for my hand. I held him as he crossed behind me to move forward and then it was my turn. And so we moved along until suddenly something from the water below ripped at his leg. He screamed and began to slip. I yelled for help and just before he completely fell into the pit I caught him by his shirt sleeve. As he swing unconscious below me, I yelled for help again but no did. So I swung him up and over to safety, the monster still below. I saw his leg, red and shredded to bits. Me, I woke up with this epiphany, and although I have said it before in various ways, I’ll say it again because I often seem to forget. Seeing, realizing and understanding is a doing, not a state of being.  So to do.


February 4, 2014


Filed under: DIP — Tags: , , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 11:41 am

Recently I wrote something to the effect that, I would care for all that cared for all, “I will care for the machine, the physical or the energy that care for others, that care enough to stop the sacrifice.” I now realize that within this statement, I was judging some to be worthy of being cared for while others not. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge others as not caring and thus not being worthy of being cared for. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in judging others as not caring and thus not being worthy of being cared for, I was judging myself for not caring, and judging myself as not being worthy of being cared for. I now see, realize and understand that caring for others begins with caring for me, all of me.

It’s cool these days the immediacy within which one is able to test self to see if our words are aligned to our deeds, basically gifting ourselves opportunities to understand points, where and how we stand and/or still lie. Last week, I had planned to go to the hot springs in central Taiwan, camping with others. Then, the day before we were scheduled to leave, my dog friend suddenly began limping as though she was barely able to walk. I realized that she probably required to be cared for at home, and that perhaps she was even faking it to an extent so that I wouldn’t leave here behind. I made the decision to stay home and care for her; not because felt caring, but because I have committed myself to the point of caring.

In other words, what I am beginning to realize about care and caring for another/others is that I don’t require to experience a feeling of caring to move/apply me to care for another, others or me. Care, in practical application I would say is a verb of doing, not an adjective of feeling. This is a cool realization for me because I have often wondered and even searched within me for that feeling of “care,” going so far as attempting to create it. When my father died, I did once cry, but that was of a decision I had made because I thought it was what I should do, what normal people did.

Yea, so although I have on occasion created the emotional/energetic experience of caring for/about others, I didn’t really find it within and as the nature of me. However, since I have been addressing this point of care from various dimensions, and I now realize that I do not require to feel an energetic experience of care “to care”. I see that I am able to live care as an application/commitment of doing, thus  perhaps changing the nature of me to one that cares.

In looking back at how I’ve been moving me over the last several years, I see that this is what I have been doing, changing me, step by step. I commit myself to caring for me as I would have all care for me, and from here, expanding me to care for all as me. I guess applying care begins in the small of every day in how we relate to each other, all. This point, I will hold onto and apply until caring becomes part of the natural expression of me. For more on “Care”, see the following link/links.


December 23, 2013

Today’s writing, December 23, 2013

Filed under: seven year journey to life — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 1:08 pm

Throughout most of last week, I noticed an usual amount of energy, kind of like a form of anxiety trying to build up and take hole. No, it wasn’t due to the holiday season, it was more subliminal, like fear of an uncertain commitment. Dreams have also been more extensive this week, like I’m in places that I’ve been to before, speaking in languages that I understood in the dreams but wasn’t able to specifically translate when I awoke. No more vampire or end of the world dreams though, which is interesting given the amount of end of the world zombie scenarios I’ve been watching.

I would say that everything of thoughts, feelings/emotions/energies of the mind that we experience do have connections/roots into their origin/source – that which matters, that which is real, that which remain here as substance, the physical reality. However, as we have muddled the waters of our minds to such a degree, our words that should be creating harmony often end up causing/creating individualized to collective chaos on a worldwide scale.

Anyway, I write a lot of stuff that I would say is kind of technical – in that I consider most of the words that I write and (usually) every single word that I post. It’s a personal process of writing and looking at the words, their various meanings, symbols/letters, sounds and energies or frequencies that I may have written into/as the words. I guess – as guests do – how to place these words so as to create beneficial outflows. My goal is more than just to write/right me; it’s also to place words into and as the physical reality and the collective consciousness of humans so as to assist/support the physical reality,  and also assist/support consciousness as me to realize/see self as one with and of substance, this physical reality.

I’m not really sure if I as my words are having the best overall effect or if I’m even doing anything more than writing/righting me; either way, I/we might as well begin somewhere, here. There probably is an easier way to figure out how to use words; I’m sure there is. However, the easiest way – like spelling words without first understanding self as the source of such words – can be quite consequential and even harmful. I’ve written a blog, part of my story  on experimenting with words while not yet standing equal with/as the source of them. It was an interesting eye opener.

Continuing along the lines of words, not too long ago I spoke of targeting our words and deeds unto points within/as the world system so as to maximize the effect of such words and deeds. I am not certain that this would speed up the process of sowing the whole/hole back together; it might only rearrange the consequences or sequence of events/changes. Additionally, before targeting words, it’s important to be standing to a certain degree so as to be prepared for the opportunities and/or consequences that may arise and/or befall. What I was really doing by putting this “point of targeting” out there was just that, putting it out there.

So, I’m going to leave this here as the continuation of blogging from the maze to become more visible so as to allow others to see the degree of Integrity within and as which I stand and/or fall.


October 30, 2013

The trap of Being

Filed under: Self forgiveness — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:37 pm

There are a few points that I’m going to get out of me. The first has to do (once again) with my writing, the goals within my writing, which have translated into judgments/limitations. It’s definitely a recurring point that I noticed long ago; yet decided to hold onto. It’s part of my cross-checking, I guess to not accept just any explanation but rather look at everything from many different angles so as to see what’s verifiable in the physical reality. Principles such as oneness and equality simply make sense to me, and they are mathematically provable; yet when it comes to explaining how each person’s thoughts, words and deeds affect one’s self and the whole, it’s a different story. It’s more complicated because I don’t see the laws of the physical reality in terms of the relationship lines, how they interact and apply to that of dimensions of energy intertwined within and as dimensions of physical reality. So, as has often been the case, I wrote and wrote and wrote, each time looking at what I had written only to judge it as imperfect, thus requiring that I rewrite it.

I have this belief that everything that I write and put out there into the public consciousness is going to affect the public consciousness. It’s a battle in which one side of me says, “lower your standards” while the other side says, “what you put out will never go away, and if it’s incorrect, you’re just going to have to deal with it later.”

I guess the first point is to let go of that which I am certain is deceptive, the judgments of my writing being less than perfect. Then there are the standards/judgments – the not wanting to waste people’s time by asking them to read something that is incomplete – and the wanting my writing to be different/special.

I realize that almost everyone I meet is . . . it’s almost like they’re inside of a box, and they seem to have no inclination to look outside of that box. My goal is to bring some of what is outside of their box to the inside of their box before they have a chance to put up their protective barriers preventing anything from getting through to their conscious awareness. Here, I guess the problem is that I’m projecting onto others the cause of my self imposed limitations.

Another point is the voice; it’s not even a voice so much as an awareness – probably energetic because it’s coming from the right side of the back of my skull. It says that I’m going to continue to be stubborn because that’s who I am; I can’t trust anything that I haven’t yet verified for myself. It really is a viscous cycle by which I search for certainty. It’s not so much that it’s stubbornness; it’s just that I realize that in accepting – anything such as a belief in god, religion, today’s so-called science, etc. – would be irresponsible of me.

So, what is it when I attempt to understand something by writing it out rather than just living it? What comes first, the good egg or the design of a good egg? The answer is as always, they arrive together, and this is how my writing goes, round and round in circles. I have at least realized that, acquiring more knowledge and information isn’t the answer for me. I sometimes feel like an ant trapped in a jar, that keeps running around and around trying to find a way out, a way to make sense of why it is I’m trapped in this jar. This is the path I have chosen to walk, and until I find a more direct one, so shall I continue writing, mapping and correcting me.

Self Forgiveness and self corrective commitments

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to translate my writing goals into limitations/judgments of my written works not being complete/perfect. Within this, I realize that I’ve been attempting to reach a point of absoluteness wherein I account for each letter of each word so as to reach statements of perfection. The problem with this goal is that I have defined perfection; thus my perceived limitations as defined/found imperfections in my writing. I now see, realize and understand that my writing is for me and others to see those imperfections so I may align me to a standing that is best for all. I also realize that this is a process of writing and doing, not just writing. Herein I commit myself to stop attempting to be/write that which I am not. I commit myself to write where I am and correct that which is not aligned to what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to decide to hold onto a point of cross checking form a point of judgment of weather my writing is complete or not. I now see, realize and understand that my writing will never be completed, and nor does it ever require to be; as each breath is new so too will that which I write. I let go of the judgments of what is/isn’t perfect, for in the judgment are the imperfections.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not wanting to post something that is not worth people’s time to read, and within this not see that I was just putting up excuses, blaming others for my insecurities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in insecurities, not realizing that the participation is the insecurity trap. I now see, realize and understand that to transcend insecurity is to expose that which I have judged as flawed within and as me, for all to see; thus having nothing to secure, nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing to fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/desire to be different/special, and in this not see that the point of wanting to be different/special is the point of judgment/comparison. I commit myself to stop trying to be special/different, and to just walk the points that I am facing, not accepting or allowing myself to judge me or what I write. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perfect and thus not realize that in the desire to be perfect is the judgment of what is and is not perfect. Herein, I let go of the desire to be or not to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to explain everything in the most concise manner, and in this, not see that explanation does not have to be limited to conciseness or expansion but rather targeted for whom it is being explained. Herein I commit myself to first and foremost, target the explanations for me so as to see if I understand what I’m saying, and if I don’t yet understand then I will write on that which I do understand. I commit myself to write on that which I see so as to be certain that I’m not imagining things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I write and post goes into the collective consciousness, and therefore I should only write that which is absolute. I now see, realize and understand that the only points within which I am able to be absolutely certain is within the principles of equality and oneness within what is best for all; thus I commit myself to write out this principle until I and all as me understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being trapped inside their boxes. I realize that this judgment is of self, and that as long as I judge myself to be trapped, so shall I be limited by that judgment. Herein, I stop judging myself as being trapped, and I stop looking for the shortest way or any-way out, and instead correct my relationship with what is here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a goal of having people see that which I have yet to even see, realize and understand myself. I commit myself to present to others only what I understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to verify/prove everything so as to be certain, and within this not see, realize and understand that “being” is a definition/limitation. Nothingness in the principle of equality and oneness within what is best for all, however, is undefined and therefore limitless. Herein I commit myself to the process of arriving at nothingness so as to be able to create me as an absolute stand in the principle of oneness and equality within what is best for all.
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October 4, 2013

Heading which way?

I’ll begin with the dream last night. Somehow I lost my head. A doctor was however able to give me a donor head. I felt that it made me look kind of like a female; however, it was certainly better than no head at all. When I returned from wherever it was that I had gotten my new head (it seemed like it was India), I noticed something strange in the middle of my forehead. The doctor had added and extra eye, and it was a big one. I saw that I could open and close it; yet I wasn’t seeing anything through it. So I closed my other two eyes and started really focusing, and then shapes and off colors – like a gray scale of colors began to come into perspective. Even though I looked like an effeminate cyclops, I decided that my new head was kind of cool, and I was cool with it. What this dream means, I haven’t really a clue; perhaps I require to begin seeing things from a different perspective and/or a correction of my heading on the creative side.

First, a look at where I’ve been over the last 2-3 months – the period of time wherein I began to notice myself drifting. Around the beginning of summer I began to question why I was spending so much time indoors writing, reading and studying; why wasn’t I getting outdoors more often riding a bicycle or even going for a motorcycle ride up in the mountains. I still don’t have the answers to these questions; yet I do once again realize that it isn’t a question of where I am or what I’m doing as long as I’m directing myself here.

Yesterday I read some stuff on falling or being distracted from one’s self directive path. To large extent, this is what I had done over the summer; I stopped writing and began to an extent going backwards from where I had been. It’s strange because whereas I used to drink alcohol almost every day, these days even when I go out and have some beers once a week, I notice the physical effects I experience – as in pain – two to three days afterwords. Yesterday, I really felt like having a beer, and I did. Then I thought, maybe I should drink some more so that I won’t feel tempted to go out with people this weekend and drink a lot. As I was really tired from being up since 2:20 that morning, I decided to go home instead and take a nap. After the nap, the urge to go and drink more beer was gone. So, here I’d say that when I’m inclined to do something that I realize isn’t what is best for me, one option is to just go and do something else for a while until the urge to do that which isn’t helpful is no longer an urge.

I find that writing out the stuff that I’d like to say to the world is difficult and time/mind consuming when I haven’t first wrote out myself, that which I’m directing myself to now do. So, I guess my new heading is going to be a return to my previous heading – writing, writing self forgiveness and self commitments, and basically getting back on the path that I’ve committed myself to walking. It’s actually quite an exciting journey as long as I stay on my path. It’s when I stray, as in perceiving that I’m missing out on the rest of the world because I’m stuck in my kitchen-office typing away, that things begin to go from clarity to confusion.

One of my biggest hurtles that I have yet to overcome is this drive to figure out or understand the workings of existence/life, and it has been from this starting point that I have seemingly realized much while also in reality remained stuck in the trap, cycling from remembering to forgetting to trying to remember to imagining, and so on. I have for some time begun to realize that there is substance where there is no knowledge and information; therefore, to be is to be at the very least – without knowledge and information. For what is the real value of knowing so much if that which I know is that which I am not? My goal is to understand everything; thus the importance of also participating in righting everything. It’s funny that the mistake I keep making – trying to figure things out instead of actually living them – happens without me realizing that I’m falling back into the same pit. Then suddenly I look around and realize that I’ve been here before. I guess a cool point to make is that, since I’ve been here so often, the way out is very clear; I simply write myself out of this pit as I’m kind of doing, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slide back into that very same pit, and once again see if I am able to come up with a combination of self-corrective actions wherein I stop myself from sliding back into that pit by moving myself with enough momentum so as to get where I’m heading. Which brings up another point; where exactly am heading?

Last night I watched the movie, Memento. It’s about the constant adventures of a man who has lost his short term memory. So he remembers up until the point where he hit his head, and everything after that is just a new moment wherein he uses self-written messages to remind himself of his quest for revenge – the point of his last memory of someone murdering his wife – which keeps him stuck, cycling again and again on the very same quest without understanding that his revenge has become his obsession. He is able to realize this; yet he chooses to remain obsessed on his quest; it’s exciting and as far as he is concerned it’s all he’s got to keep him going. For him to move on, he requires to completely let go of the past; yet he refuses to just do it in one big step.

I had in the past often considered how cool it would be to one day wake up with no memories. This point I now realize is really silly, considering it’s what we’ve all been doing since the beginning of time, dying to forget and perhaps remember something, being birthed with nothing but an opportunity to let go of whatever it is we think we are and create ourselves as that which we would be, only to die and forget again instead of just stopping the cycle of creation, and just living. When I look at me now, I have only ideas of who and what I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Sure there are memories of this life and perhaps others, my so called past; yet to say that this is who I am – a bunch of memories/experiences, doesn’t made sense; for if these memories are who I am now, who was I before, just a bunch of memories?

The simplest answer is that I am that which I direct myself to be in each moment, and if any moment is based on memories then so shall will I be based-on and defined by such memories which of course is nothing more than a representation of that which may or may not have ever been, certainly not that which I would now care to be. The same trap springs if I look to the future and so define myself by that which is also not here. Here in the present are the traps of the past and the future created by the mind’s idea of time to keep me from understanding that who I am is and has always been within and as me right here; yet the moment I allow myself to participate in memories of the past or future – they are one in the same/ not of this moment – to influence me, I fall into the trap.

The man in the movie was trapped in a cycle of revenge based on memories, pictures, illusions of the mind/past. I too have trapped myself in a cycle of sorts; always trying to figure out what it is I am, without realizing that what I am is always that which I direct myself to be in the moment/here. The past is dead and gone, nothing more than a memory or resonance of what may have been, that which I’ve carried with me, and in so doing obscured my presence/present with energetic images.

The future is but another energetic image/trap carried as my past and fueled by my present, that also prevents me from being whole – here in the moment. Here’s another point. I realize that I have been stuck in and as systems. How the system works to keep us trapped is relatively clear to me; yet the reason that I sometimes choose to go with the system even though I realize it’s just an energetic addiction is not always clear to me. Why can’t we just tear down the walls instead of having to take them apart piece by piece; because then we wouldn’t realize where we’ve built in our faults.

So, to wrap this present up, I forgive myself for once again not seeing that I do not require past or future illusions to show me who I am. I simply require to let go of or shed the influence of the memories of the past, and stop wasting the present on projections of the future.


  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve not really been seeing, and that perhaps to begin seeing, I require to stop looking/searching. I have now begun to see, realize and understand that, seeking knowledge and information as to how the system works so as to have my revenge on the system is a cycle trap that I’ve often lost myself in. I also realize that seeking revenge against the system is self-defeatism in that I am the system. Herein I commit myself to understand the system as me by observing “me”, and changing the system by changing me. Changing me to what; that which is the best I’m able to be, which is always only understood by living each point/moment in that moment.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stop writing over the summer, really just wanting to take a break/escape for a time, and in this not see – once again – escape is never escape, but retrenchment into and as the clasps of the system. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that moving back into the system for a reprieve or rest is a retreat from the journey; thus prolonging and perhaps adding more difficulty to this journey.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that an urge to do something is systemic, and often just requires that I move myself away from that stem so as to cut off its influence by not participating in/as it; thus deleting it. When and as I find myself being urged, I stop, breathe and direct myself to a task that in essence cuts off the power source of that urge so as to give me the opportunity see from another perspective that that urge wasn’t really me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that trying to understand something is like trying to stand as something while remaining separate from it. I realize that to understand all that is here is simply to understand me as a physical human being; thus I commit myself to focus on my relationship to the physical me so as to integrate one with, equal to and as.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that typing away in my kitchen office is not fun, and that perhaps I should be doing what I perceive others to be doing. This is a point that I’ve often visited, and each time the visit gets shorter; thus demonstrating to me that the path I was on is still the most correct path.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the knowledge and information I acquire is to be lived which is also to be let go of. I commit myself to a knowing that is not based on knowledge and information, a hereing that I understand as it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to egotistically believe that some things are too trivial to write about, and in so doing hang on to the small things which combine to become the big points within and as me. Herein I commit myself to begin the process of writing out the small points within and as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know where I’m heading, and in this not see that desiring to know where I’m heading is to not be here; thus preventing me from ever getting to where I would be. I commit myself to let go of the desire to know where I’m heading, so as to focus on understanding where I am.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to the past; thus preventing me from understanding the present. I’m letting go of the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, instead of realizing that it’s the now; thus I commit myself to continue my process of aligning myself within and as what is here.



September 3, 2013

Hosting the family

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 1:45 pm

I’ve been hosting family for the last 10 days, and in so doing put off my usual writing. Actually, a typhoon/monsoon was hovering over Taiwan for most of the time so we didn’t even do the planned trip around the island. It’s always interesting how even a short span of 10 days or two weeks of not writing leaves me with a feeling in my stomach, like a low level anguish of dread. The conversations I’ve been having with my brother in law have been interesting; yet once again I’ve realized that most of the people in this world simply do not believe that we the people on the ground have the responsibility or are even able to change this world by ourselves. It’s kind of like everybody’s just trying to hold out, wait for the ruling class to fix the problems, or just leave them for the next generations. It’s strange/sarcastically humorous that I have yet to meet face to face with a single person who agrees that we the people are able to change this world for the better.

As for myself, I’ve been considering how one might get into politics so as to do just that, change the world for the better – from within. I’ll write about this more in days, weeks and months to come, how to possibly get elected to the elite political positions by using the Internet, and what the people should expect of their newly elected representatives. For now however, I’d like to get out of me some more of my situation on the ground. Last year I made a decision that, in terms of work and everything else I did, I would do it wholeheartedly with the aim of creating solutions that would be best for all involved. What I encountered in many instances was duplicity. In most cases, I’d say it wasn’t because people didn’t want to be honest, but because they just didn’t dare rely on the honesty of another. Herein as I’ve stated many times in different ways, is the point of the downfall of mankind, a lack of trust in one another fueled by the secrets we keep. As I’ve realized that the only way I’ll contribute to changing this world is by starting with me, I’ll continue on this path of self-honesty, opening up and trusting others; thus giving them the opportunity to trust me. It’s the same thing in regards to information; one side must be the first to lower their information weapons so as to be the example for the other side.



August 20, 2013

More little points

Yesterday as I was exiting a 7-11, I looked up and saw a woman walking into the store, smiling at me. I smiled back; we both said hi, and I continued walking, but not without turning around and looking at what had brought me to suddenly smile, a smile just came out. As I looked, I realized that I had in that moment defined her as not only beautiful, but also desirable. So I forgave myself aloud for accepting and allowing myself to judge that woman as being beautiful, and within that judgment (a judgment of mine) limit myself – to an experience rooted in definitions based on memories/experiences, perhaps not even mine – instead being there in the moment and physically seeing her and other beings for who or what they are as beings. From this experience, I began considering why after quite some time of not experiencing such a feeling, I suddenly found myself smiling a smile that didn’t seem as though it was a reaction of mind; how have defined myself though pictures/sexuality? I’ve written about this before; yet there are some points that still come up within me whenever I consider what points I haven’t written about. These are points that I have judged to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out; yet if they are so irrelevant, why do they still come up whenever I look into me for the secrets that I’m still carrying, allowing to define me? So, here are the points that I haven’t written about much before. When I was younger in the early 70’s, anywhere from the ages of 9-14, me and some other neighborhood kids used to go all over the place, through the farms, in the woods, hiking, rafting, swimming in the rivers, and we would often walk around the countryside, forest, etc., naked. I don’t exactly recall why, but I do recall it being fun, kind of like being free and rebelling at the same time. I’m not sure if it was part of the times – an outflow of the Vietnam war and end of the 60’s, but I also remember sometimes at night, going streaking through our small town. The most prominent memory I have of this streaking is one evening being on the outside of a Presbyterian church in front of a big church-window where people inside were gathered for something. This was probably when I was about 9 to 13 years old. I remember seeing a woman walk into the kitchen; then me and this other guy just jumping in front of the window, waving our arms and yelling. Then we ran away to hide in the woods to see if they would call the cops. If the cops did come, we would have gotten their attention in the hopes that they would chase us, and then ran off into the woods. Continuing on with exploring sexuality, I’d say that my introduction to sex was nothing short of a disgrace to humanity. I was probably eight or nine at the time when my dad had already been gone for about a year or two, and one of my uncles was visiting. He ended up showing me and some of my siblings, 8mm porn flicks. At the time I though it was cool; however, when I look back at my introduction to sex, I’d say that that and the prevalence of porn magazines pretty much destroyed any chance of me developing a healthy relationship personality. I viewed girls only with want and desire, and had no idea that I could simply speak to them as normal beings. I do not blame my uncle/uncles; theirs was a middle-class Irish catholic family of 11-12, and I do recall my mom telling me that her brothers all has to be alter-boys… These days, I understand to large degree, the design of personality systems, and I clearly see the damage being done by pornographic images literally everywhere youngsters look. Thus, I’m going to write more on the subject of information abuse. Here, I’m just clearing up some points within and as the design that I had allowed myself to believe was me.

Self Forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any points within/as me to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out because I didn’t believe they were affecting me. In this, I see, realize and understand that the little points that keep coming up aren’t really irrelevant if they keep coming up. Thus I commit myself to write these points out and address them with self forgiveness and self commitments so that these points no longer come up and charge me/define me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for – as a 10 -12 year – streaking in front of a church, and from this judgment declare it irrelevant so as to justify not writing about it.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for walking around the countryside/forests, naked, and within/as this judgment not see, realize and understand that there is nothing wrong with going naked.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about my introduction to pornography (8-11 years old) through an uncle who while on his visit, showed me and some of my siblings 8mm porn flicks. I now see, realize and understand that it is through our fears of upsetting/questioning the traditional/familiar/cultural values that we as society/species continue to allow the degradation of our species. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out as having been abused. I now see, realize and understand that showing a 10 year old pornography was/is abuse. Herein, I commit myself to raise and upset the status quo of every aspect of humanity that is not a status of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to as a child, not see, realize and understand that I as an awareness do not require changing me to understand information – as knowledge. Herein I commit myself to when looking at information, not to allow myself to be formed by that information, but simply apply it as knowledge in a way that is best for me and best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have for most of my life, viewed girls/women in the light of sex, always placing them on a rating scale instead of seeing them as who they are as life equal and one with me as life. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize why my only female friends were always lesbians, married or immediate family members; I now realize that this was because I hadn’t judged/placed them on the scale.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to limit my view of women to a degree of desire. I commit myself to when looking at men and women, see who/what they are without a mind’s interpretations; thus perhaps gifting myself the opportunity to see people for who they are as life.
  • Desteni

August 10, 2013

Desteni Testimony: Part 4

The way I write what I call technical writing – sometimes for the purpose of explaining and/or persuading people to consider, and sometimes just for fun to see if I am able to put the pieces/words/me together so that they and I are able to stand as one – is to write out fragments, lots of them, and then expand on them, experimenting with them here and there until they start to make sense or follow a logical commonsensical path to a realization wherein I see that I am able and willing to stand as this/these points/words. It’s like plotting a course; even though I as that course may not yet be on the best course – the point that is best for all – at least I am able to see to a degree where I am and where I require course corrections.

 Earlier today, I listened to the 4th and 5th interviews of the Secret History of the Universe (maybe still free to download) available on Eqafe by Desteni. One day, while still in/as this physical body, I’d enjoy explaining or giving perspectives in more detail, this history of the universe that has been provided by an inter-dimensional being who came through the portal to relay her findings regarding the existential records that were left behind by various beings – essentially earlier versions of ourselves in different forms. However even if every single word I spoke were specific as in standing equal and one with all that is here, it would still require that I write a book or books. And even that – depending on the depth of the explanations – might only cover one of the thousands of interviews/perspective that have already been put out by Desteni over the last 5-7 years.

 The difference between the information that Desteni is presenting, and let’s say that which Spiritualist or Conspiracy-theorists put-out, is that Desteni places the information into a format wherein which each word or sentence is linked-to and may be cross referenced by and with any/all of the thousands of other words, sentences, documents, videos or interviews that have be written and/or recorded by and through the portal. The information is basically new science. New science as opposed to old-science differs in that the New is not a concept of Consciousness, i.e., it understands and explains from a point of standing one with and equal, in and as the present – as opposed to the current Consciousness con Science of observing, interpreting and recording in separation, the actions of the past. I realize that one might question what I just stated therein asking; how could one possibly speak of the “Secret History of the Universe” from a point of standing one with and equal to that history in and as the Present? The simple answer – my view or take thus-far on this question, is that the memory of the information never just disappears from existence, but ripples back into/as substance, layering/compounding/compressing to eventually sort of form this physical existence; thus the current compounding of consequences to and as this physical existence.

 As to how a human body is able to become an inter-dimensional-portal wherein one being steps out, and another/others step in, this and many more questions are answered in detail here. I really enjoy writing on these topics; yet to attempt to go into more detail would be more than a few hours of typing, and regarding many points, more than I currently/here understand. Specifically, being able to place this information into coherent perspectives is a matter of the degree to which one is standing/walking/living one and equal to the words he or she speaks and writes. Thus within and as our speaking and writing is the proof so to speak of the points as the degrees to which we are actually standing/living our words. It is possible to stretch points in writing so as to make it appear that one is honest and understanding beyond that which he/she/we are actually living; yet it’s like the saying, you can run (from your deceptions) but you cannot hide; i.e., to those who understand words, the stretches and or deceptions are very clear.

 So, getting back to how I’ve changed me. First of all, I don’t recall the last time I allowed myself to “really” became anger/angry. Over the last year or so, there have been several times when I saw the point of anger beginning to arise, and each time, I stopped it before I became it. Yes, one is able to actually see anger as an energy build-up as it arises. The clearest example I recall, is like a gray shape rising-up/growing in the right side of my back as it was taking form. For me, I’d say that anger is the nastiest of all energy/e-motions. So, I just don’t do it, it’s painful, kind of like a never wanting to go back to that scenario. I’m not saying that I’ll never become anger again – although, to never become angry again is absolutely part of my plan – but that through studying with Desteni, the SRA and the I Process – I’ve come to realize the basic design of anger, how it as energy manifest through and as our participation in and as the mind, and how we are able to stop it before it even starts. Obviously, I’m simplifying things, and of course what I’m stating is my perspective; however, I am so thankful that I haven’t seen/allowed that emotion to grow/manifest in and as me for quite some time. I guess that’s because anger/conflict is one of the points I initially focused on in my process, and although I’m still working on it, realizing it’s origins has been extremely supportive, especially for my relationship with my wife. It’s not that I am completely without feelings or emotions, but it is cool that I’ve become more aware of them; thus better enabling myself to see, realize and stop them before they become me.

 I find the mind in and as its design to be just a work; not of perfection, but of Love in that it has merged the best and the worst of us, basically leaving us with no other options but to face and change the nature of ourselves to that which is best for all, or continue to ignore and be consumed by ourselves. And we now have inter-dimensional perspectives of ourselves as the mind, even from Consciousness itself in detail along with the tools and support to let go of the control so as to stand in equality and oneness with all that is here. This is the processes of every being, to stand equal and one with all that is here, and take responsibility within and and as the self-directed principle of what is best for all.

 In the next post, I may look more at Words, and perhaps put into some perspective for myself and others just how important they are to understand/live.






July 23, 2013

Desteni Testimony, the Cult question Revisited

Filed under: desteni — Tags: , , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 9:36 am

I’m writing this testimony about me and my involvement/participation with Desteni, not as an insider who has physically been to the Desteni farm, but as one who has extensively researched the information, and participated in the I-process.

To be honest, what most surprised me about the information that has come out, wasn’t the content of the information, but the inability or refusal of so many to simply see the simplicity of the overall message; that which has been so clearly written, enunciated and shown in so many ways and in so many languages. Yet as a teacher of twenty years, who is committed to living the point of doing unto others as I would have done unto me, I have come to realize that – as with me – most require to be taught, shown and assisted again and again and again until the information and knowledge is lived through words and deeds to a point of understanding. So here is an updated testimony of my involvement/participation with Desteni.

Back in 2007, I was (and technically still am) an expat from the USA. Having already traveled much of the world and been living in Taiwan for about 17 years, I was finding life somewhat monotonous. I owned a business and a couple of houses, had participated in the dot-com rise and fall, educated myself in many universities and so on. So, at the age of 45 – married with no children, I decided that I could afford investigate for real what the hell was going on in this world, while at the same-time have some fun. So, off to China I went to study International law from a Chinese perspective, and to write a PhD thesis on an issue that would perhaps make a difference in the world.

So I did have fun in Beijing: I was there for the Olympics; I studied and taught in two of China’s top universities, China University of Political Science and Law – studied, and The People’s University of China – taught. Yet, even with the massive amount of research that I was putting in trying to connect the dots to figure out what was wrong in this world, so as to come up with a solution, the further I dug outside of the prescribed education-system material, the thicker the plot became. It was like a spider web wherein I could find not single point of real accountability/responsibility. Then one day out of nowhere, I saw one of those now famous/infamous You-tube videos of beings speaking through a young woman/portal. That was when the real journey began, when I began to realize that there is no centralized point of accountability/responsibility in this world; we’re all equally responsible for what is here.

Yes, I did immediately realize that I was on to something; kind of like an archaeologist who’s just chiseled through solid rock to now gaze into the blackness of a tomb of the ancients. Later, I would realize why – to an hypothesis – some are immediately able to listen to and consider what is being presented, while others stay turned off or react as though they’re being attacked.

Before I had walked or tagged along with Desteni for several years, I would not have agreed to once again write – to be posted in the public domain for all of humanity to read — that which I am now writing; not because I wouldn’t have cared to have humanity realize what’s been happening behind the scenes, but because humanity – the ones with money who are in positions to make corrective changes, don’t seem to care about anything except themselves. And this for me is a personal point that I have dealt with on a daily basis ever since realizing what Desteni was saying. See, within and as me it’s been difficult to find a natural point of caring for anyone or anything except myself; it’s not fun to realize or admit that the nature of me is little different from those that don’t give a shit about anything but themselves. The little difference that there perhaps is is that I happen to realize that this selfish nature of mine will be the miserable end of us all if we don’t change ourselves; thus I have committed myself to changing the nature of me to care for all as I would have all care for me, i.e., giving as I would like to receive, and doing unto others as I would have done unto me in the nature of what is best for all. This as I see it what Desteni is all about; it’s a simple message that comes with the equalizing tools of knowledge and information, and the unwavering support for all who would apply this knowledge and information to become the living word, live the changes that are necessary for us to change this world to a place where life is dignified, a heaven on earth that is best for all.

Oh, and as for the Cult issue – for those who are still attempting to apply it; I’d simply say “grow up and get over it; do your homework, it’s called objective research.” As for the Haters and Trolls that would attempt to discredit an organization whose stated and exemplified purpose is to create a world that is best for all, I suggest gifting unto yourselves the opportunity to live a dignified life, one that is only able to be received by gifting it equally to all.

I will probably go into more personal detail in posts to come; however, if one cares enough to walk a change that is best for all, below are some places you might start. Or if your just interested in The Secret History of the Universe, here is the place to start.

Thank you


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