Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

December 19, 2013

Writing to realize and understand Integrity

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:06 pm

I have often used the word, “realize” without actually understanding what “realize” says about me in terms of my internal and external relationships, realizing me within and as this physical-reality.

I guess ‘realizing’ is a step in the process of determining the answer to the question by first looking at self as the question and so the answer. It’s about self as definitions of words such as “integrity” and “realize,” that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use without first clearly defining them to not be limited by dubious/uncertain definitions.

The way I look at “realize” is as it sounds, real-eyes: “to look at” for the purpose of seeing with one’s real – physical – eyes. Expanding on the phrase, “for the purpose of seeing”, what I’m also inputting into/as me is “for the purpose of sea-ing” as in understanding me as a drop of water, one with and equal to all drops of water, the sea.

There is so much more within and as words, and to further this understanding, I often write a lot of words that for many might look like rambling gibberish; however, for me these writings are a way to assist me to unscramble and right me as the words I write right.

Getting back to the point of “realize”; just because I say “I realize” something does not necessarily make it real or true; that’s why (I would say) we first write ourselves-out so as “to realize” by physically seeing ourselves as the words that we’ve accepted and allowed to define us, and from these realizations, right ourselves by walking/living the self-corrective statements that we’ve written.

As to what I have realized about the word, “integrity” as a trustworthiness point of equality and oneness within what is best for all  (as it pertains to me) is that I require to become more visible by all, not just the projected externalized informative structure of me, but also the real internal structure of me. Why? Because (I would say) Integrity within equality and oneness is like One pillar made of many pillars all standing together as one; herein, should one falter or fall, the other pillars are able to step in to assist and support all-as-one because they are all able to visibly see and thus account for the fault or fall of one.

I hadn’t before seen or realized this visibility-point; not because it wasn’t there for me to see, but because I had already interpreted this point to suit me as a personality. So, to account for this point as me, I’m pushing myself to post different kinds of writing – so as to enable others to better see the internal structure of me as a degree of integrity/trustworthiness, the points where I’m standing and those where I’m not.

In short, I’m beginning to realize (processing to understand) the importance being visible. However, I’m still uncertain as to how visible I should be with my writings. For example, having written 2-3 pages over the last day or so, I just deleted a bunch of stuff, the places where I came to intersections or relationship points and randomly turned and wrote, then turned again and and so on as I often do, wandering to see what’s down these lines. Does anyone really care to follow me around my maze while I wander around mapping out the lines/branches of me as words; I wonder.  Anyway, I’ll leave it here/there, as another writing in the process of realizing to understand Integrity.

 

Self forgiveness on Integrity

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word ‘realize’ without taking into account all I’s; thus not really realizing but processing to realize. I now realize that when I use the word ‘realize’ in process, I’m actually processing to eventually realize.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define much of my writings as ramblings or gibberish; thus projecting onto others the reason I don’t care to be so visible.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify not being so visible due to not wanting others to see my faults
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that which I write – as faults, and within this not see, realize and understand that faults of mine that others are able to see are able to be accounted for, compensated for and corrected because they are seen. I now realize that being visible is a key element of integrity/trustworthiness.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the point of visibility within/as integrity/trustworthiness. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to suppress this key viewpoint of visibility in favor of a personality that prefers to remain in the shadows.

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December 17, 2013

Welcome to the Machine – Part One

For some time now, I’ve been writing on the subject of information accountability and its relationship to integrity, how through information accountability we may be able to assist ourselves individually and collectively to cultivate a form integrity within and as humanity. I had been looking at different perspectives or dimensions of integrity, but there was a point that I just wasn’t getting. Then yesterday while reading a Desteni forum chat on the subject of integrity – I came across one point or perspective on integrity that I had completely missed. “With having a look at Integrity from a physical dimension – the physical is an example of integrity, it stands by itself and by all its parts in the interconnected equality and oneness, is constant and consistent and with this – trustworthy. So, I would say integrity is made up of being constant, consistent and trustworthy with visible stability.” Sunette Spies.

So, the point that I’ve been missing all this time in terms of defining integrity and walking a process to stand as it, is that of “trustworthy with visible stability.” So, to push through this point here is a post – that like me – is a writing in progress.

Some time ago I wrote about our lack of information integrity/accountability wherein I stated, “Information Unaccountability is a weapon of mass destruction that will continue to spread destruction, disease and death until “We the People” stand up and become accountable sources of all our information within and as the Public Domain.”

By weapon of mass destruction destruction, I am referring to humans’ every thought, word and deed causing the compounding consequences of this reality – dissonance, disharmony, a human race at war with itself and everything else. Scientist seem to be getting warmer regarding their guesses as to how we’ve manifested this disharmonious reality. My guess is the “Big Picture” is not nearly as complex as scientists would have us think and believe. For every action, there is a consequential reaction leading to compounded consequential reactions which are constantly shaping and forming the whole, hole of a reality. In other words, we’re all responsible for the outflows of consequence as the creation/formation of what is here.

There is nothing complex about the butterfly effect; it’s just that we perceive the whole to be too immense to consider or take into account before we think, speak and act, often choosing instead to ignore the whole in favor of the self-interests of our small minds, kind of like the crowd mentality when someone yells “Fire!” or “Free X box!.” In other words, it’s the little interactions done without considering the effect that such actions will have on down the relationship-lines to other people’s realities, the world-system and the world as a whole.

Take for example the porn watchers on their computers and TV’s. As far as most of them are probably concerned, there’s no harm in just looking at what’s already been filmed. However, if they would consider the bigger picture, they might see that every time they click on the mouse and view a new page, they’re most likely generating money as incentive to the entire industry; thus participating in and causing consequences all the way down to the children who are used, abused and discarded all because of a demand by end-users at various points within and as the relationship lines of the porn industry.

Just as every drop of water equally determines the nature of the sea, so too does every human equally determine the nature of humanity. While it may be difficult to imagine how every action of each-human goes on to influence all other actions; thus creating the outflows of consequence to/as all of humanity; when we put this consideration simply in terms of information within and as the public domain of the Internet, the problem becomes not only more manageable but also completely mappable, traceable along all relationship lines to all points of interaction to all human origins.

Each drop of water from a perspective of awareness is the sea, one with and equal to all drops of water. Our sea of harmony would be one in which all drops of water understand their interconnectedness and thus their responsibilities to express themselves in manners that (rather than compete with and harm other drops of water), assist and support them because all realize that they/we as the sea are one and the same.

In other words, we humans as drops within and as the sea simply require to take responsibility for ourselves and all that is here as ourselves, the sea. How are we going to do this? It’s a multidimensional process, and in these next few posts I’m primarily going to focus on that of Information as it pertains to people and the World Wide Web (of information).

Information, I would say is like the identifying factors of the formations and pathways of both the physical and energetic realities.  Even though the physical reality is influenced by energy information, it remains constant, consistent and trustworthy. In other words, the problem isn’t in how earth and this physical existence functions; it functions fine. The problem is that the outflows of consequence created by humans unto earth – this physical existence – are taking too much of a toll on earth’s ability to maintain the equilibrium of the ecosystem. It’s getting out of control because humanity is out of control; not enough people are taking responsibility for their thoughts, words and deeds. It’s like shouting out, “I hate you.” without considering who’s in ear-shot and what their reactions will be once they perceive that you hate them. Or releasing tons of chemicals into a water supply without considering how those chemicals are going to interact with the plants and animals, and what will happen when other animals such as people consume that which has been contaminated. It’s out of control because we humans have abdicated our responsibilities as integral drops of water within and as the sea; choosing instead our perceptions of free-choice in the free-dome of a human race to be the last consumer to cry buy! buy! in a dead sea. Yes, we humans are the fuck ups; it’s never been the effect of the butterfly, it’s always been the human effect.

Herein, the question is simple: how are we going to harmonize all humans – as our relationships – to sound standings of integrity/trustworthiness before we all self destruct? The most responsible solution would probably be for each human to simply change his/her internal mind/physical relationships to equal and one sound standings of integrity so as to also change the world system – the reflection of humans’ internal and external relationships – to thus reflect our collective standing of sound integrity. Unfortunately, far too many humans have yet to realize or even imagine how it is that the worldwide disharmony (from the small to the big reflecting back unto all) that we perceive to be caused by someone else is in reality equally as one caused by us all; thus requiring all of us to equally as one to take responsibility for righting all.

Taking responsibility for ourselves does not call for suddenly stopping our participation in the world-system just because there are points of evil within and as our relationship lines; this would be like the bubble suddenly bursting (which may happen anyway) and just causing more chaos and more suffering. Instead, it’s a process wherein we walk all relationship points of and as the sea so as to see, realize and understand how it is that we are all in each moment equally as one creating what is here.

Obviously, this is an immense ongoing process. As it has been a process of getting ourselves to a point of almost zero integrity, so to will it be a process returning to the stand of integrity. How fast and how easy or difficult this process is going to be depends on the willingness of individuals to participate; to begin with, each one’s willingness to become accountable open-sources of all our public information, so as to participate internally and externally in this process of realigning all of our relationships to equal standings of integrity – from the without of the world system to the within of each human, and vice versa.

Now for the point of information accountability as it may pertain to Integrity in a new world order. In short, the lack of integrity within and as the human-race leaves us with little choice but to impose information accountability upon ourselves so as to cultivate a form of integrity so as to stabilize, stop and reverse the decline of mankind. Welcome to the machine!

To be continued.

Desteni

November 23, 2013

The Solution to Exceptionalism

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: — Thomas La Grua @ 7:25 pm

Vladimir Putin’s “It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation.” underscores the spitefulness of and as mankind’s original starting-point from which we as the human race have brought ourselves and this planet to the brink of extinction.

 

Some people might think that the word, “Spite” is overkill, but really it’s not. And if people in general were not so brainwashed by religion, consumerism, education, culture, family, tradition and so on, this would be easy to see this.

 

In a closed in world – a vacuum called Earth – with limited resources, competition for resources should not even exist. But it does, which means that some have far more than an ‘equal’ share. Why? Because we steal it from the innocent and those that are less inclined or endowed to play and survive in this competitive game of exceptionalism.

 

In school, they’ll tell you that these are the competitive rules by which all must abide, but I will tell you that this is just another part of the lie, a campaign to keep people brainwashed, deaf, dumb and blind.

You can blame “God’s will” or the so-called law of survival of the fittest, but when it’s all said and done, it just comes down to one word, spite. It’s a frame of mind embodied within and as the sea of humanity wherein drops of water believe themselves to be exceptional, separate from the sea.

 

There’s only one rule to understand:

 

Be the best that one is able to be, which is defined as that which is in all-ways best for all.

 

Our freedom of choice as our right to spite one-another says to go-ahead and continue to ignore, pray if you like, anything to avoid having to actually do something that places you/me at risk of being the nail in the coffin that stood up just to get hammered back down.

 

From this dead-end of a Human Race as the sea of life in a constant state of self consumption, there is only one unending solution, a course correction (from the Rule of Spite) to the Principle of Oneness and Equality within what is best for all. Herein and as this open-source foundation of life, let us all unite to resolve the inequalities of Life.

 

Desteni

November 11, 2013

Self Forgiveness

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 1:00 pm

The last 6 months have been like the last 6 years, a journey of realizations and changes. The main points for me continue to be stopping the mind and changing my relationship to alcohol. I have come to realize that these two points are one in the same: participate in one, and I accept and allow them both; stop one, and I dis-empower them both. 

The weather’s been changing. Even the typhoons don’t seem to follow the paths they used to take directly towards Taiwan; unfortunately, other countries, the Philippines in particular just keeps getting slammed. I look at these typhoons, earthquakes and volcanoes as Earth’s attempt to balance itself for the betterment of all life on this planet. Last week here in Taiwan, we had a lot of successive earthquakes; each one being very strong but not quite strong enough to do serious damage; whereas if all the earthquakes had been combined into one, the result would have been disastrous.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as moving/directing myself slowly.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to crosscheck where I’m heading – by way jumping back to where I had been so as to compare the two positions – without realizing that I am able to check my position within every new breath.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the connection between drinking even just a little alcohol and the creation of energy. I now see, realize and understand that alcohol is a chemical substance that when consumed – causes a physical reaction that releases energy as a byproduct; thus making the process of starving/stopping the mind more difficult.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to understand that the urge that I still often feel to re-experience my alcohol-based relationships/friends of the past are but charged memories. I now see, realize and understand that these occasional urges to meet up with relationships of the past for the purpose of drinking and perhaps having fun are but thoughts of a personality system/design – not real – that I am able let go of by simply not participating in them. Within this, I commit myself (when these urges or any urges occur) to check the validity of it by walking through it – doing something else or simply releasing myself of that energy. Anything that does not remain as me is/was just illusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of the world being a calm before the storm, and that the conditions in this world are only going to get worse.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s best to wait and see instead of standing as the best I am able to assist myself and others to change ourselves by cooperating to direct the outflows of this world so as reduce the outflows of future consequence.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a wait and see approach to my next steps, and within this not see that to wait and see is be reactive instead of directive. Herein I commit myself to continue writing and to release some of what I have already written.

 

Desteni

 

October 30, 2013

The trap of Being

Filed under: Self forgiveness — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:37 pm

There are a few points that I’m going to get out of me. The first has to do (once again) with my writing, the goals within my writing, which have translated into judgments/limitations. It’s definitely a recurring point that I noticed long ago; yet decided to hold onto. It’s part of my cross-checking, I guess to not accept just any explanation but rather look at everything from many different angles so as to see what’s verifiable in the physical reality. Principles such as oneness and equality simply make sense to me, and they are mathematically provable; yet when it comes to explaining how each person’s thoughts, words and deeds affect one’s self and the whole, it’s a different story. It’s more complicated because I don’t see the laws of the physical reality in terms of the relationship lines, how they interact and apply to that of dimensions of energy intertwined within and as dimensions of physical reality. So, as has often been the case, I wrote and wrote and wrote, each time looking at what I had written only to judge it as imperfect, thus requiring that I rewrite it.

I have this belief that everything that I write and put out there into the public consciousness is going to affect the public consciousness. It’s a battle in which one side of me says, “lower your standards” while the other side says, “what you put out will never go away, and if it’s incorrect, you’re just going to have to deal with it later.”

I guess the first point is to let go of that which I am certain is deceptive, the judgments of my writing being less than perfect. Then there are the standards/judgments – the not wanting to waste people’s time by asking them to read something that is incomplete – and the wanting my writing to be different/special.

I realize that almost everyone I meet is . . . it’s almost like they’re inside of a box, and they seem to have no inclination to look outside of that box. My goal is to bring some of what is outside of their box to the inside of their box before they have a chance to put up their protective barriers preventing anything from getting through to their conscious awareness. Here, I guess the problem is that I’m projecting onto others the cause of my self imposed limitations.

Another point is the voice; it’s not even a voice so much as an awareness – probably energetic because it’s coming from the right side of the back of my skull. It says that I’m going to continue to be stubborn because that’s who I am; I can’t trust anything that I haven’t yet verified for myself. It really is a viscous cycle by which I search for certainty. It’s not so much that it’s stubbornness; it’s just that I realize that in accepting – anything such as a belief in god, religion, today’s so-called science, etc. – would be irresponsible of me.

So, what is it when I attempt to understand something by writing it out rather than just living it? What comes first, the good egg or the design of a good egg? The answer is as always, they arrive together, and this is how my writing goes, round and round in circles. I have at least realized that, acquiring more knowledge and information isn’t the answer for me. I sometimes feel like an ant trapped in a jar, that keeps running around and around trying to find a way out, a way to make sense of why it is I’m trapped in this jar. This is the path I have chosen to walk, and until I find a more direct one, so shall I continue writing, mapping and correcting me.

Self Forgiveness and self corrective commitments

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to translate my writing goals into limitations/judgments of my written works not being complete/perfect. Within this, I realize that I’ve been attempting to reach a point of absoluteness wherein I account for each letter of each word so as to reach statements of perfection. The problem with this goal is that I have defined perfection; thus my perceived limitations as defined/found imperfections in my writing. I now see, realize and understand that my writing is for me and others to see those imperfections so I may align me to a standing that is best for all. I also realize that this is a process of writing and doing, not just writing. Herein I commit myself to stop attempting to be/write that which I am not. I commit myself to write where I am and correct that which is not aligned to what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to decide to hold onto a point of cross checking form a point of judgment of weather my writing is complete or not. I now see, realize and understand that my writing will never be completed, and nor does it ever require to be; as each breath is new so too will that which I write. I let go of the judgments of what is/isn’t perfect, for in the judgment are the imperfections.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not wanting to post something that is not worth people’s time to read, and within this not see that I was just putting up excuses, blaming others for my insecurities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in insecurities, not realizing that the participation is the insecurity trap. I now see, realize and understand that to transcend insecurity is to expose that which I have judged as flawed within and as me, for all to see; thus having nothing to secure, nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing to fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/desire to be different/special, and in this not see that the point of wanting to be different/special is the point of judgment/comparison. I commit myself to stop trying to be special/different, and to just walk the points that I am facing, not accepting or allowing myself to judge me or what I write. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perfect and thus not realize that in the desire to be perfect is the judgment of what is and is not perfect. Herein, I let go of the desire to be or not to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to explain everything in the most concise manner, and in this, not see that explanation does not have to be limited to conciseness or expansion but rather targeted for whom it is being explained. Herein I commit myself to first and foremost, target the explanations for me so as to see if I understand what I’m saying, and if I don’t yet understand then I will write on that which I do understand. I commit myself to write on that which I see so as to be certain that I’m not imagining things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I write and post goes into the collective consciousness, and therefore I should only write that which is absolute. I now see, realize and understand that the only points within which I am able to be absolutely certain is within the principles of equality and oneness within what is best for all; thus I commit myself to write out this principle until I and all as me understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being trapped inside their boxes. I realize that this judgment is of self, and that as long as I judge myself to be trapped, so shall I be limited by that judgment. Herein, I stop judging myself as being trapped, and I stop looking for the shortest way or any-way out, and instead correct my relationship with what is here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a goal of having people see that which I have yet to even see, realize and understand myself. I commit myself to present to others only what I understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to verify/prove everything so as to be certain, and within this not see, realize and understand that “being” is a definition/limitation. Nothingness in the principle of equality and oneness within what is best for all, however, is undefined and therefore limitless. Herein I commit myself to the process of arriving at nothingness so as to be able to create me as an absolute stand in the principle of oneness and equality within what is best for all.
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October 13, 2013

Self Forgiveness on Power and Authority

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 4:31 pm

In the last two days, I’ve had some more strange dreams. I wouldn’t call them nightmares because I don’t associate fear with them; however, there has been once again the issue of escaping, so I guess the fear is there, just on a level that I’m not recognizing its source point within me. And now that I’m writing this, I’m recalling the unidentified energy that I’ve been experiencing over the last few days, a dread of something unseen that is also probably of the same point from which these dreams are emanating.

In the dream of two nights ago, I have arrived at a building complex which houses mostly young adults. It’s a campus of a school or training facility. What’s different about this place is that there are also people in uniform. They look somewhat sloppy/overweight and dumb; to put it bluntly, they are the equivalent my definition of a Department of Homeland Security worker, these guys are obviously the ones in charge. Anyway, I hear a missile/bomb flying overhead, and realize that I’ve gotta find some cover. So I run down these stairs, and I see this guy who obviously doesn’t belong there, and some people are chasing him. I start to run away with him, but end up getting trapped on a floor of the building where there are many different animals that are being cared for and/or studied. I tell the officials that I came down here because I thought the place was a zoo. In the next scene, I’m outside looking at the sky where instead of a sun there is nuclear fallout, just swirling dark clouds. One other point that I would mention is that in seeing the people in uniform, there was a moment wherein I thought that that’s where the advantage is, so that’s where I should be.

Last night’s dream was also an apocalypse kind of scenario with vampire/monster people roaming around feeding (in some way) off of the other people, and I’m probably one of the monsters. At first, I don’t feel as though there’s any problem because I’m powerful and can fly. However, as the dream goes on, I begin to lose my powers, until eventually I find myself being hunted by the other vampires, and escape is becoming more difficult because I’m barely able to fly/flee anymore. From a hilltop, I see what look like large pencils sticking up from the ground. I make a running jump off the hill, and while I’m falling, I decide to impale myself upon them to end this flight so to speak, but I end up landing just short of my mark, only to realize that although I’ve escaped for now, I still have to keep running. Interestingly, when I awoke about 1:30 am, the front and top of my forehead felt quite stressed.

The first dream seems to point out to me points/issues that I’m currently dealing with regarding authority and control. These authority and control issues I carry within and as me have been with me as far back as I can remember. I always insisted upon my own space, my decision/choice, and most of all the freedom that I have always sought and sought to protect. I now realize there never has been free choice; how could there be with no equality; and that the freedom that I’ve sought after – and just as importantly, feared losing – is another point that has kept me from living; for that which one seeks/fears is that by which he allows self to be trapped/separate in/as the mind’s illusions of the free dome/concavity. The second dream, I’d say has to do with the desire for power and the fear of losing it, being consumed by my self, a part of me wishing this trip would end while another part of determining to see it through. Of note is that I recently made a decision to allow myself to have these kinds of dreams. Why, because they assist me with a starting point from which to write.

Self forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge DHS workers as sloppy, uneducated and overweight, and within this point not see, realize and understand that the judgment of them comes from my conspiracy-theory fear of being under the control/authority of them or any officials/system. I now see, realize and understand that only that which I give authority over me – through fear – is able to exercise power and control over me. Herein I commit myself to let go of the definitions/judgments that I have given/placed onto authority figures, and just see them for who/what they are. In this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being authority figures.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that where the authority figures are, I should be because that’s where the advantage is, and within this not realize that to place myself as an authority is simply a matter standing up, speaking and doing that which is required to bring about solutions that is best for all. Herein, I commit to keep walking this path to becoming the best that I am able to be, which is that which is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the safety that I may experience with the feeling of power is just energy derived form my participating as a mind surrounded by the same energy defined as fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Escape is an illusion/hope that I’ve participated within and as; thus blinding me from seeing the real/physical land-scape. I now realize that for me to participate within and as what is really here is to completely let go of thoughts/hopes of escape, and face myself. And this, I commit myself to continue doing.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed parts of myself to continue running away, without seeing that these energetic parts as me were still manipulating me from behind. Herein, I commit myself to find these manipulating parts of me and re-task them to support me and that which is best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to live the understanding that nothing is free in this world until all are living as equals in what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire to be powerful; justifying this desire in the belief that I require power to change me/this world. I see, realize and understand that to live the principle of what is best for all I do not require power, just self-directed will.

    Desteni

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October 4, 2013

Heading which way?

I’ll begin with the dream last night. Somehow I lost my head. A doctor was however able to give me a donor head. I felt that it made me look kind of like a female; however, it was certainly better than no head at all. When I returned from wherever it was that I had gotten my new head (it seemed like it was India), I noticed something strange in the middle of my forehead. The doctor had added and extra eye, and it was a big one. I saw that I could open and close it; yet I wasn’t seeing anything through it. So I closed my other two eyes and started really focusing, and then shapes and off colors – like a gray scale of colors began to come into perspective. Even though I looked like an effeminate cyclops, I decided that my new head was kind of cool, and I was cool with it. What this dream means, I haven’t really a clue; perhaps I require to begin seeing things from a different perspective and/or a correction of my heading on the creative side.

First, a look at where I’ve been over the last 2-3 months – the period of time wherein I began to notice myself drifting. Around the beginning of summer I began to question why I was spending so much time indoors writing, reading and studying; why wasn’t I getting outdoors more often riding a bicycle or even going for a motorcycle ride up in the mountains. I still don’t have the answers to these questions; yet I do once again realize that it isn’t a question of where I am or what I’m doing as long as I’m directing myself here.

Yesterday I read some stuff on falling or being distracted from one’s self directive path. To large extent, this is what I had done over the summer; I stopped writing and began to an extent going backwards from where I had been. It’s strange because whereas I used to drink alcohol almost every day, these days even when I go out and have some beers once a week, I notice the physical effects I experience – as in pain – two to three days afterwords. Yesterday, I really felt like having a beer, and I did. Then I thought, maybe I should drink some more so that I won’t feel tempted to go out with people this weekend and drink a lot. As I was really tired from being up since 2:20 that morning, I decided to go home instead and take a nap. After the nap, the urge to go and drink more beer was gone. So, here I’d say that when I’m inclined to do something that I realize isn’t what is best for me, one option is to just go and do something else for a while until the urge to do that which isn’t helpful is no longer an urge.

I find that writing out the stuff that I’d like to say to the world is difficult and time/mind consuming when I haven’t first wrote out myself, that which I’m directing myself to now do. So, I guess my new heading is going to be a return to my previous heading – writing, writing self forgiveness and self commitments, and basically getting back on the path that I’ve committed myself to walking. It’s actually quite an exciting journey as long as I stay on my path. It’s when I stray, as in perceiving that I’m missing out on the rest of the world because I’m stuck in my kitchen-office typing away, that things begin to go from clarity to confusion.

One of my biggest hurtles that I have yet to overcome is this drive to figure out or understand the workings of existence/life, and it has been from this starting point that I have seemingly realized much while also in reality remained stuck in the trap, cycling from remembering to forgetting to trying to remember to imagining, and so on. I have for some time begun to realize that there is substance where there is no knowledge and information; therefore, to be is to be at the very least – without knowledge and information. For what is the real value of knowing so much if that which I know is that which I am not? My goal is to understand everything; thus the importance of also participating in righting everything. It’s funny that the mistake I keep making – trying to figure things out instead of actually living them – happens without me realizing that I’m falling back into the same pit. Then suddenly I look around and realize that I’ve been here before. I guess a cool point to make is that, since I’ve been here so often, the way out is very clear; I simply write myself out of this pit as I’m kind of doing, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slide back into that very same pit, and once again see if I am able to come up with a combination of self-corrective actions wherein I stop myself from sliding back into that pit by moving myself with enough momentum so as to get where I’m heading. Which brings up another point; where exactly am heading?

Last night I watched the movie, Memento. It’s about the constant adventures of a man who has lost his short term memory. So he remembers up until the point where he hit his head, and everything after that is just a new moment wherein he uses self-written messages to remind himself of his quest for revenge – the point of his last memory of someone murdering his wife – which keeps him stuck, cycling again and again on the very same quest without understanding that his revenge has become his obsession. He is able to realize this; yet he chooses to remain obsessed on his quest; it’s exciting and as far as he is concerned it’s all he’s got to keep him going. For him to move on, he requires to completely let go of the past; yet he refuses to just do it in one big step.

I had in the past often considered how cool it would be to one day wake up with no memories. This point I now realize is really silly, considering it’s what we’ve all been doing since the beginning of time, dying to forget and perhaps remember something, being birthed with nothing but an opportunity to let go of whatever it is we think we are and create ourselves as that which we would be, only to die and forget again instead of just stopping the cycle of creation, and just living. When I look at me now, I have only ideas of who and what I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Sure there are memories of this life and perhaps others, my so called past; yet to say that this is who I am – a bunch of memories/experiences, doesn’t made sense; for if these memories are who I am now, who was I before, just a bunch of memories?

The simplest answer is that I am that which I direct myself to be in each moment, and if any moment is based on memories then so shall will I be based-on and defined by such memories which of course is nothing more than a representation of that which may or may not have ever been, certainly not that which I would now care to be. The same trap springs if I look to the future and so define myself by that which is also not here. Here in the present are the traps of the past and the future created by the mind’s idea of time to keep me from understanding that who I am is and has always been within and as me right here; yet the moment I allow myself to participate in memories of the past or future – they are one in the same/ not of this moment – to influence me, I fall into the trap.

The man in the movie was trapped in a cycle of revenge based on memories, pictures, illusions of the mind/past. I too have trapped myself in a cycle of sorts; always trying to figure out what it is I am, without realizing that what I am is always that which I direct myself to be in the moment/here. The past is dead and gone, nothing more than a memory or resonance of what may have been, that which I’ve carried with me, and in so doing obscured my presence/present with energetic images.

The future is but another energetic image/trap carried as my past and fueled by my present, that also prevents me from being whole – here in the moment. Here’s another point. I realize that I have been stuck in and as systems. How the system works to keep us trapped is relatively clear to me; yet the reason that I sometimes choose to go with the system even though I realize it’s just an energetic addiction is not always clear to me. Why can’t we just tear down the walls instead of having to take them apart piece by piece; because then we wouldn’t realize where we’ve built in our faults.

So, to wrap this present up, I forgive myself for once again not seeing that I do not require past or future illusions to show me who I am. I simply require to let go of or shed the influence of the memories of the past, and stop wasting the present on projections of the future.

 

  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve not really been seeing, and that perhaps to begin seeing, I require to stop looking/searching. I have now begun to see, realize and understand that, seeking knowledge and information as to how the system works so as to have my revenge on the system is a cycle trap that I’ve often lost myself in. I also realize that seeking revenge against the system is self-defeatism in that I am the system. Herein I commit myself to understand the system as me by observing “me”, and changing the system by changing me. Changing me to what; that which is the best I’m able to be, which is always only understood by living each point/moment in that moment.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stop writing over the summer, really just wanting to take a break/escape for a time, and in this not see – once again – escape is never escape, but retrenchment into and as the clasps of the system. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that moving back into the system for a reprieve or rest is a retreat from the journey; thus prolonging and perhaps adding more difficulty to this journey.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that an urge to do something is systemic, and often just requires that I move myself away from that stem so as to cut off its influence by not participating in/as it; thus deleting it. When and as I find myself being urged, I stop, breathe and direct myself to a task that in essence cuts off the power source of that urge so as to give me the opportunity see from another perspective that that urge wasn’t really me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that trying to understand something is like trying to stand as something while remaining separate from it. I realize that to understand all that is here is simply to understand me as a physical human being; thus I commit myself to focus on my relationship to the physical me so as to integrate one with, equal to and as.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that typing away in my kitchen office is not fun, and that perhaps I should be doing what I perceive others to be doing. This is a point that I’ve often visited, and each time the visit gets shorter; thus demonstrating to me that the path I was on is still the most correct path.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the knowledge and information I acquire is to be lived which is also to be let go of. I commit myself to a knowing that is not based on knowledge and information, a hereing that I understand as it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to egotistically believe that some things are too trivial to write about, and in so doing hang on to the small things which combine to become the big points within and as me. Herein I commit myself to begin the process of writing out the small points within and as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know where I’m heading, and in this not see that desiring to know where I’m heading is to not be here; thus preventing me from ever getting to where I would be. I commit myself to let go of the desire to know where I’m heading, so as to focus on understanding where I am.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to the past; thus preventing me from understanding the present. I’m letting go of the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, instead of realizing that it’s the now; thus I commit myself to continue my process of aligning myself within and as what is here.

 

Desteni

September 3, 2013

Hosting the family

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 1:45 pm

I’ve been hosting family for the last 10 days, and in so doing put off my usual writing. Actually, a typhoon/monsoon was hovering over Taiwan for most of the time so we didn’t even do the planned trip around the island. It’s always interesting how even a short span of 10 days or two weeks of not writing leaves me with a feeling in my stomach, like a low level anguish of dread. The conversations I’ve been having with my brother in law have been interesting; yet once again I’ve realized that most of the people in this world simply do not believe that we the people on the ground have the responsibility or are even able to change this world by ourselves. It’s kind of like everybody’s just trying to hold out, wait for the ruling class to fix the problems, or just leave them for the next generations. It’s strange/sarcastically humorous that I have yet to meet face to face with a single person who agrees that we the people are able to change this world for the better.

As for myself, I’ve been considering how one might get into politics so as to do just that, change the world for the better – from within. I’ll write about this more in days, weeks and months to come, how to possibly get elected to the elite political positions by using the Internet, and what the people should expect of their newly elected representatives. For now however, I’d like to get out of me some more of my situation on the ground. Last year I made a decision that, in terms of work and everything else I did, I would do it wholeheartedly with the aim of creating solutions that would be best for all involved. What I encountered in many instances was duplicity. In most cases, I’d say it wasn’t because people didn’t want to be honest, but because they just didn’t dare rely on the honesty of another. Herein as I’ve stated many times in different ways, is the point of the downfall of mankind, a lack of trust in one another fueled by the secrets we keep. As I’ve realized that the only way I’ll contribute to changing this world is by starting with me, I’ll continue on this path of self-honesty, opening up and trusting others; thus giving them the opportunity to trust me. It’s the same thing in regards to information; one side must be the first to lower their information weapons so as to be the example for the other side.

Desteni

 

August 20, 2013

More little points

Yesterday as I was exiting a 7-11, I looked up and saw a woman walking into the store, smiling at me. I smiled back; we both said hi, and I continued walking, but not without turning around and looking at what had brought me to suddenly smile, a smile just came out. As I looked, I realized that I had in that moment defined her as not only beautiful, but also desirable. So I forgave myself aloud for accepting and allowing myself to judge that woman as being beautiful, and within that judgment (a judgment of mine) limit myself – to an experience rooted in definitions based on memories/experiences, perhaps not even mine – instead being there in the moment and physically seeing her and other beings for who or what they are as beings. From this experience, I began considering why after quite some time of not experiencing such a feeling, I suddenly found myself smiling a smile that didn’t seem as though it was a reaction of mind; how have defined myself though pictures/sexuality? I’ve written about this before; yet there are some points that still come up within me whenever I consider what points I haven’t written about. These are points that I have judged to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out; yet if they are so irrelevant, why do they still come up whenever I look into me for the secrets that I’m still carrying, allowing to define me? So, here are the points that I haven’t written about much before. When I was younger in the early 70’s, anywhere from the ages of 9-14, me and some other neighborhood kids used to go all over the place, through the farms, in the woods, hiking, rafting, swimming in the rivers, and we would often walk around the countryside, forest, etc., naked. I don’t exactly recall why, but I do recall it being fun, kind of like being free and rebelling at the same time. I’m not sure if it was part of the times – an outflow of the Vietnam war and end of the 60’s, but I also remember sometimes at night, going streaking through our small town. The most prominent memory I have of this streaking is one evening being on the outside of a Presbyterian church in front of a big church-window where people inside were gathered for something. This was probably when I was about 9 to 13 years old. I remember seeing a woman walk into the kitchen; then me and this other guy just jumping in front of the window, waving our arms and yelling. Then we ran away to hide in the woods to see if they would call the cops. If the cops did come, we would have gotten their attention in the hopes that they would chase us, and then ran off into the woods. Continuing on with exploring sexuality, I’d say that my introduction to sex was nothing short of a disgrace to humanity. I was probably eight or nine at the time when my dad had already been gone for about a year or two, and one of my uncles was visiting. He ended up showing me and some of my siblings, 8mm porn flicks. At the time I though it was cool; however, when I look back at my introduction to sex, I’d say that that and the prevalence of porn magazines pretty much destroyed any chance of me developing a healthy relationship personality. I viewed girls only with want and desire, and had no idea that I could simply speak to them as normal beings. I do not blame my uncle/uncles; theirs was a middle-class Irish catholic family of 11-12, and I do recall my mom telling me that her brothers all has to be alter-boys… These days, I understand to large degree, the design of personality systems, and I clearly see the damage being done by pornographic images literally everywhere youngsters look. Thus, I’m going to write more on the subject of information abuse. Here, I’m just clearing up some points within and as the design that I had allowed myself to believe was me.

Self Forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any points within/as me to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out because I didn’t believe they were affecting me. In this, I see, realize and understand that the little points that keep coming up aren’t really irrelevant if they keep coming up. Thus I commit myself to write these points out and address them with self forgiveness and self commitments so that these points no longer come up and charge me/define me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for – as a 10 -12 year – streaking in front of a church, and from this judgment declare it irrelevant so as to justify not writing about it.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for walking around the countryside/forests, naked, and within/as this judgment not see, realize and understand that there is nothing wrong with going naked.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about my introduction to pornography (8-11 years old) through an uncle who while on his visit, showed me and some of my siblings 8mm porn flicks. I now see, realize and understand that it is through our fears of upsetting/questioning the traditional/familiar/cultural values that we as society/species continue to allow the degradation of our species. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out as having been abused. I now see, realize and understand that showing a 10 year old pornography was/is abuse. Herein, I commit myself to raise and upset the status quo of every aspect of humanity that is not a status of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to as a child, not see, realize and understand that I as an awareness do not require changing me to understand information – as knowledge. Herein I commit myself to when looking at information, not to allow myself to be formed by that information, but simply apply it as knowledge in a way that is best for me and best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have for most of my life, viewed girls/women in the light of sex, always placing them on a rating scale instead of seeing them as who they are as life equal and one with me as life. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize why my only female friends were always lesbians, married or immediate family members; I now realize that this was because I hadn’t judged/placed them on the scale.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to limit my view of women to a degree of desire. I commit myself to when looking at men and women, see who/what they are without a mind’s interpretations; thus perhaps gifting myself the opportunity to see people for who they are as life.
  • Desteni

August 16, 2013

The Harboring of an Energetic Personality system

I now realize to an extent why we as beings of and as existence have for all-time been spiraling towards non-existence – as beings. It’s because the principle of equality and oneness (as a state/statement of existence) had never before been realized or understood by beings; thus oneness and equality aligned in the principle of what is best for all, as also being best for self, had never before been considered. That one point that brought forth this point of equality and oneness within and as the principle of what is best for all was the point of a man standing as a physical example. Now, it’s a matter of all of us, one by one and together changing ourselves to realize/live oneness and equality within and as the principle of what is best for all.

The Desteni process is the process of every man, woman and child to, in and as the principle of what is best for all, equalize our beingnesses within and as our physical human bodies; why our physical human bodies, because the human physical body is already standing one and equal with all that is physically here/substance/life; however, our beingnesses within and as our mind-consciousness systems in/as our human bodies are not aligned to this oneness and equality within and as what is best for all; therefore, in aligning/merging within and as the oneness and equality of our physical human bodies, we begin to see, realize and understand that, within and as which we’re standing, the dirt of Earth, the physical/substance/Life; thus realizing our responsibility/opportunity to and as Life.

Whereas our current downward-spiral, the creation of consequence through and as the perception of separation as energy/mind consciousness-system-controlled hu-man beings is the reverse of living – an inverted-process of devolution leading to an eventual implosion; the reverse of this reverse, as in the standing of oneness and equality within and as the principle of what is best for all would perhaps be evolution.

On to another topic, the harboring of an energetic personality system. The other day while I was chatting with someone, an interesting point emerged from within me, which I immediately recognized as one of my personality systems, the one I call weaponized/militarized. This personality is nothing new to me; I’ve written about it often, and have – as part of my process, directed myself for the most part to not allow myself to be directed by this system. The key phrase is “for the most part”; meaning that this system still lurks in the background, and has over the last 2-3 years occasionally built up enough energy to activate. The main reason that it’s still lurking within and as me is because in the past I believed that I might require this system for survival. What’s interesting is that, I really don’t see it that way anymore; I see this personality as attempting to justify it’s existence as an energetic (reactive) entity as though I require a personality entity to react for me. I have no need for reactive energetic entities within and as me directing me to react based on interpretations of (past) memories applied to the present. I used to actually fear this personality; now I’d say it’s more of an inconvenience in that there have been points that I’ve avoided addressing simply because I was afraid of letting this personality lose for all to see one of the lies I’ve harbored.

 

Here’s what happened; over the last few weeks, I’ve been looking at and writing on the issue of Internet secrecy/anonymity and how it facilitates Internet abuse – trolls, pedophiles, anonymous, terrorism, abusive governments, the NSA and so on. What I’ve noticed is that this personality within and as me/my mind-consciousness system would come up every now and then with suggestions of how to attack “the bad guys.” This latest incident occurred when I typed the word, “attack” in reference to trolls attacking Desteni — or any other group for that matter that stands as a solution to rid the world of abuse. As soon as I wrote the word, I noticed myself changing; my body temperature was getting hotter, and inside me there was a movement of energy similar to the way I would interpret the generation of anger, yet with a different frequency. Immediately I just stopped myself from speaking/typing because I realized that whatever came out from that point would just be energy/personality. It took about 15 minutes, during which time my body became hotter like I had a fervor, and I felt very uncomfortable. I figure this was because upon activating this personality, I also let lose a heap of stored energy that wanted to become action, but couldn’t because I didn’t give it an outlet, kind of like medicating psychological disorders, a stop-gap, but not a solution. I realize that this personality is of the fear within and as me of humanity. Yea, it’s simple as that; however, what I’ve also come to realize is that, standing stable within and as me as the physical where I would be as what is best for all, does not require pushing against/opposing/counter-attacking an attacking energetic force; why because the attacking force is of energy which stands no chance against the physical. It’s kind of like chi gong wherein one may stand his ground by simply grounding himself to not be moved by an attacker’s “energy” exertions. The key to standing my ground is to be and remain within and as the physical, and not allow myself to fall into the mind-traps of creating energy by thinking/believing that energy deflects/counters energy; it doesn’t, energy reacts to energy to resource more energy from me the physical.

 

So, over the last couple of years I’ve stayed a few steps back form certain controversial topics, for fear of reacting and attacking, instead of standing as an example as what human beings are able to be, the solution in and as what is best for all. Specifically, in regards to trolls attacking the Desteni message, within me there was a desire to have them attack me so as to feel justified in using words as swords to attack them. What I now realize is that all I was doing was basically keeping that personality entity at bay while I slowly removed much of its armament/ammunition so as to prepare myself to once and for all remove this personality form me. I begin taking on this personality entity by writing it out, writing self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements, and then physically living and directing myself in accordance with my writings to not allow the activation of this personality; thus depriving it of the energy required to sustain it; thus breaking it down and removing it; anything of the system that I’m unable to physically use, I’ll simply excrete.

 

Self-forgiveness and self commitments

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a personality system within and as me to lurk in the background; thus allowing its existence as an energetic entity within and as me. I now see, realize and understand that this personality system, as with all personality systems are not who I am as life, but are energetic expressions of and as the nature of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. In this, I commit myself to continue changing the nature of me to be and become that which is best for all; thus removing this and all personalities from me so that the only one left standing within and as me is the personality equal and one with life within and as the principle of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I might need this personality to survive, and within this did not allow myself to see, realize and understand that, only that which is not equal and one with life fears for its survival. I see, realize and understand that that which fears in not here, but in and as energy of the mind as an illusion of separation. Herein I commit myself to stand without fear, so as to be able to direct myself within and as physicality to a point that is standing as what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear this militarized/weaponized personality because I feared that it would lead me to cause harm, and thus reveal the true nature of what I had accepted and allowed within and as me. In this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear revealing myself as a personality for fear that others would see the lies within and as me. I now see, realize and understand that I had allowed myself to be trapped within a self-cycling/self-justifying personality as an idea that I had created and believed to be me. Herein, I commit myself stop all points of activation that fuel this personality, so that – deprived of its energy source, I am able to delete it.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in ideas of how to attack the bad guys, and within this point, not realize that the definition of “bad guys” lie within and as me. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define good/bad; thus trapping myself within and as the polarities of the mind. I now see, realize and understand that there is no good or bad, but only that which is best for all, and that which isn’t. I commit myself no longer define anything within and as polarities, and instead simply direct myself to stand as a point that is best for all, as a solution.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stay a few steps back for fear of reacting and attacking, and within this point not realize that I wasn’t standing as change that is best for all, but simply avoiding having to face myself and thus change me. Herein I commit myself to direct me to stand as a man that is best for all, and face and change the points within and as me – that are not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word, attack. I now see, realize and understand that words unto which I react are words unto which I have defined in polarity, that which will not stand the test of time. I hereby redefine the word, attack, to be an energetic exertion for the purpose of causing harm. Within this, I see, realize and understand that energy does not stand any chance against a physical stance; thus I commit myself to the process of standing equal and one within and as my physical body, so as not to react or be moved by the word, attack or any other words.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a desire to be attacked by the trolls, because I perceived that in being attacked I would also be justified in attacking. I now see, realize and understand that the desire to be attacked is the desire to attack; it’s an energy/fear based system designed to cycle within and as mind so as to resource energy form the physical; to attack or react to an attack is to attack self in and as the containment of one’s mind. Herein I commit myself to when/as I find myself at the point of perceiving I am being attacked; stop, breathe and bring myself back into and as the physical so as to direct the situation to a solution that is best for all.

 

Desteni

 

 

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