Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 20, 2014

Writing on what I’ve been writing about

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 11:44 am

 

Taking a break from writing about Democracy for a moment, I will share some other aspects of my world. It’s not that I have been consumed with finding a new definition for Democracy, but is is mostly what I have been doing, writing it out, finding the flaws, rewriting and rewriting. What is there to say? It is a process that I have determined to participate within. It’s not so much that it’s what I want to do as much as it is something that I see requires to be done, and I do enjoy doing it. However, there is the blockage, like a wall between that which I am able to see as like a multidimensional picture of understanding the inner and the outer or big and the small of Democracy, how it works within and as life and how it’s been hijacked by consciousness and used as a tool of mind dominance over the physical body in the small and the world system at large, the Democracy of Money.

So I’ve got this picture and I get it, but when it comes to writing it in sentences that others will get, each word becomes something that also requires to be explained in depth, words like equality and expression. Yesterday I was wondering to myself; why is it so difficult to take what understanding I have and put these points into sentences that others are able to relate to? Perhaps it is because my understanding is not yet here or perhaps it is by design.

Perhaps it is both. One point that I have considered and am leaning to is that what I am able to put into sentences is where we are as humanity. In other words, I rarely if ever have found that I have come up with something new; it’s more like everything’s here and all I require to do is untangle it from the mess of lines within and as me. And this is what I do on a daily basis, untangle the information.

In looking anew at the word, Democracy, I realize that it is essential that we as humanity redefine this word to a single understanding, one agreement-in-principle as a new design of human collective-decision-making, collective determination.

In short, Democracy is simply the collective expression of “equality” wherein the nature of the collective is determined by the aggregate expression of all participants. The bottom line here is that, the degree of equality as the ability of each participant to express within the collective determines the degree of Democracy. And there is so much more that we require to basically reinvent or invent anew because even the Greek model of majority “rule” is far too limited to be called collective expression. I mean, expression is more than just yes or no, plus or minus; it’s omnidirectional and I guess multidimensional. These considerations, we are able to input into the new system of Democracy.

So, what I have been working on is looking at the Democracy of Life, and – honestly – seeing how we are able to systematize that to fit it into the world-system. Why? Because, although it is about changing ourselves from the bottom up, too many are not in positions (of money) to be able to even consider changing themselves. Therefore, I would say we also require to not only change ourselves but also bring about changes in the system, and this I realize is the purpose of LIG (Living Income Guarantee). However, for this to be requires the corresponding changes to government. It’s like, we understand where we need to get to, but to get there we require to build the new vehicle, of (real) Democracy wherein the people are moving the changes that are aligned to the standing of the people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

February 23, 2014

Another dream, this one with a strange Epiphany

As I was walking out I saw a car with a man in it sinking in a spot of water. I ran and said to the people around, that a car with a man in had just sank and we have to jump in and help. They said to me, that pit is a bottomless one, he is gone. I looked into the water and I could see the bottom; it wasn’t that deep; yet neither the car nor the man were anywhere in sight. I climbed over the fence, perhaps to jump in. Another man, a rugged, cocky and reckless one climbed over with me, but his was to play a game, a game of bravery and trust. As we held onto the fence, he would move around me, letting go his grip on safety in exchange for my hand. I held him as he crossed behind me to move forward and then it was my turn. And so we moved along until suddenly something from the water below ripped at his leg. He screamed and began to slip. I yelled for help and just before he completely fell into the pit I caught him by his shirt sleeve. As he swing unconscious below me, I yelled for help again but no did. So I swung him up and over to safety, the monster still below. I saw his leg, red and shredded to bits. Me, I woke up with this epiphany, and although I have said it before in various ways, I’ll say it again because I often seem to forget. Seeing, realizing and understanding is a doing, not a state of being.  So to do.

Desteni

February 14, 2014

Pledge of the Elected

I have for some time now been considering the points of politics and how to change the current situation without disrupting in such a way that causes negative/harmful effects or influences.

Two points or possibilities that I have been looking at are 1) the need or necessity for real democracy, also called direct democracy, and 2) the point of how to instill honesty but it’s like accountability into politics and also the public domain. I guess that’s more than two points, and when I expand upon them, they end up not being separate but several points which are inseparable yet require to be looked at and developed almost as stand alone points. Why? Because it’s almost going to be impossible to get all of these points, all of these changes to be instituted at the same time; therefore it is – I would say – imperative that we consider solutions that are able to be implemented in kind of like Lego fashion, kind of like components of a system that are able to be replaced and upgraded without having to replace or even shut off the entire system.

The first point that I’m going to speak about is the point of accountability in the public offices of government. Governments all over the world have been and are upping their monitoring of citizens/everybody, so why don’t we up our monitoring and surveillance of government? Surveillance of the people by the government is not the problem; not enough surveillance of the government by the people is I would say more relevant. After all it is the government that’s making the rules, deciding basically what we can and can’t do while the people sit back protesting occasionally with not really a clue as to what really goes on in the halls of government. Why don’t we change the rules, change the focus, put it on the honesty/integrity of the people who claim to be serving the interests of the people while in reality the interests of the people are being back-sided, led into a hole in the ground.

The idea I have pertaining to government surveillance of the people is to turn this point around, use the momentum of the government-speak to direct the flows of government to the benefit of all; what’s good for the people must also be good for the government. Let’s demand – as it were – that the government follow/abide by their own rules. Let’s insist that all newly elected officials pledge to institute of policy of open source accountability in all their official duties as elected officials.

Specifically I’m speaking of requiring all new and reelected public officials to (before they are elected or re-elected) sign a pledge that all of their public dealings will be open to the public, online 24/7. This means that all office telephones will be monitored, conversations recorded, all government offices will have cameras and microphones with leads to the internet for 24/7 live viewing and listening. Basically I’m speaking of doing everything possible to ensure that not one iota of public business transpires without the public having live listening and viewing access to it. Corporations monitor their private employees; let us monitor our government Employees. It’s not just a matter of national interest, it’s a matter of national security lol, people’s civic responsibility.

Of course government officials will say that this is a ridiculous idea, that they require privacy, secrecy for our own good, that they need to be able to conduct public affairs out of the prying eyes of the public. However, when we look at the root cause of the allowance of such deceit within and as the political structures, we see that it’s mainly due to unaccountability, the ability to be deceitful without being called out, caught. We also see that this institution of the people is no more an institution of the people than a private corporation is for the benefit of the people. Everything is in reverse; it looks and seems as though it’s going the right way when in reality it’s going in the opposite direction of what is best for the people, the animals, environment, earth . . .

We can change some things right away by using what we do actually have, the power of the vote. If we stand for this simple practical solution of imposing accountability onto politicians, their offices, everything, every aspect having to do with so-called public service, we are able to at the very least call the government’s bluff. What is their bluff? It’s their cards that their holding; they don’t amount to the moral righteousness of the stand they’re portraying. They are portraying the need of the people to accept for our own good the intrusiveness of government surveillance while they themselves surround themselves behind almost impenetrable walls, declaring those who would expose them to be enemies of the state. Theirs is not an honest stand; it’s a stand of fear, fearing the very people/public they claim to be serving, and this fear will only intensify until we all expose ourselves as having nothing to hide and therefore nothing to fear of each other.

Using our Internet platforms, we are able to simply spread the word that, any politicians who do not agree/sign the pledge of open government, i.e., agree to open all their conversations and dealing up to 24/7 Internet feeds, we will not vote for them.

Let’s call the government’s bluff and see what happens. Let’s turn the tables, redirect the flows of surveillance onto the government itself. Let them spy on whomever the wish; let everyone spy on each other. If this is what it takes to bring about some accountability both in the realms of government and the private sectors, so be it. At least this way we’ll all be able to see what each other is doing. Instead of trying to go against the current of surveillance, the exposing of secrets, let’s embrace the current and direct it to the benefit of all.

January 12, 2014

A Scrambled State of being

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 2:14 pm

At first I thought that there was a secret code within/as the symbols of the sounds of words. However, what I am now beginning to realize is that, there is no ‘secret’ code, no-one has pulled the veil over my eyes. I’ve just scrambled my expression within and as myself to such and extent that I’ve literally lost myself in that which I’ve created as me.

Who is one as an expression whose words and deeds are able to be interpreted in countless (different) ways?  When I look at this question from one perspective – the one that I’ve defined as the point of certainty – there is understanding within and as me. However, when I move to express this stand in words and deeds in relation to others/all, I see that parts of me are still confused, not soundly aligned in unison to/with/as all. I experience this disharmony/confusion in different forms of different definitions of fear and/or pain.

I do not accept that there is nothing that I am able to do to remove this experience of fear and pain. In fact I am certain – from that point that I define as certainty/understanding, that I am able to move/direct me to see and understand everything by aligning my self-expression, standing, understanding to Here, equal and one with all that is here. To this end I walk one journey of investigation, introspection and experimentation with me, myself and I as words.

Why words? In and as the words I begin to see the points wherein my lines are not standing absolutely as one definition that is applicable to and best for all; I begin to see my expression, where my relationships are out of alignment and have gone astray to become question marks, possibilities/uncertainties, causes of consequence, experiences of pain and/or fear.

In short, I would say that to understand what is here, how we’ve created ourselves into and as quantum questions marks, and how to write and rewrite ourselves to mend the whole – each one to absolute definitions of integrity of Here as expressions of who each one is in relation to all/one – is the process of unscrambling ourselves by writing, rewriting/redesigning our symbols/words, mending us, our versus to living words, sound expressions of life of oneness and equality. As perhaps was in the beginning, the word, so too shall we create a new sound beginning, the sound of unison, the sound of one.

Originally, I had titled this, “Here and There” because I’ve been working on understanding Here and There from a perspective/question of “what is the truth that the words as symbols of sound are showing us?” Having written lines down many branches in attempts to understand and explain this, I confess, I’m still circling round and round, perhaps lessening the sin as the circle gets smaller, but still not to the point of absolution so to speak, lol. So, I’ll keep at until it’s done, I’m done, all one.

Desteni

December 19, 2013

Writing to realize and understand Integrity

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:06 pm

I have often used the word, “realize” without actually understanding what “realize” says about me in terms of my internal and external relationships, realizing me within and as this physical-reality.

I guess ‘realizing’ is a step in the process of determining the answer to the question by first looking at self as the question and so the answer. It’s about self as definitions of words such as “integrity” and “realize,” that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use without first clearly defining them to not be limited by dubious/uncertain definitions.

The way I look at “realize” is as it sounds, real-eyes: “to look at” for the purpose of seeing with one’s real – physical – eyes. Expanding on the phrase, “for the purpose of seeing”, what I’m also inputting into/as me is “for the purpose of sea-ing” as in understanding me as a drop of water, one with and equal to all drops of water, the sea.

There is so much more within and as words, and to further this understanding, I often write a lot of words that for many might look like rambling gibberish; however, for me these writings are a way to assist me to unscramble and right me as the words I write right.

Getting back to the point of “realize”; just because I say “I realize” something does not necessarily make it real or true; that’s why (I would say) we first write ourselves-out so as “to realize” by physically seeing ourselves as the words that we’ve accepted and allowed to define us, and from these realizations, right ourselves by walking/living the self-corrective statements that we’ve written.

As to what I have realized about the word, “integrity” as a trustworthiness point of equality and oneness within what is best for all  (as it pertains to me) is that I require to become more visible by all, not just the projected externalized informative structure of me, but also the real internal structure of me. Why? Because (I would say) Integrity within equality and oneness is like One pillar made of many pillars all standing together as one; herein, should one falter or fall, the other pillars are able to step in to assist and support all-as-one because they are all able to visibly see and thus account for the fault or fall of one.

I hadn’t before seen or realized this visibility-point; not because it wasn’t there for me to see, but because I had already interpreted this point to suit me as a personality. So, to account for this point as me, I’m pushing myself to post different kinds of writing – so as to enable others to better see the internal structure of me as a degree of integrity/trustworthiness, the points where I’m standing and those where I’m not.

In short, I’m beginning to realize (processing to understand) the importance being visible. However, I’m still uncertain as to how visible I should be with my writings. For example, having written 2-3 pages over the last day or so, I just deleted a bunch of stuff, the places where I came to intersections or relationship points and randomly turned and wrote, then turned again and and so on as I often do, wandering to see what’s down these lines. Does anyone really care to follow me around my maze while I wander around mapping out the lines/branches of me as words; I wonder.  Anyway, I’ll leave it here/there, as another writing in the process of realizing to understand Integrity.

 

Self forgiveness on Integrity

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word ‘realize’ without taking into account all I’s; thus not really realizing but processing to realize. I now realize that when I use the word ‘realize’ in process, I’m actually processing to eventually realize.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define much of my writings as ramblings or gibberish; thus projecting onto others the reason I don’t care to be so visible.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself justify not being so visible due to not wanting others to see my faults
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that which I write – as faults, and within this not see, realize and understand that faults of mine that others are able to see are able to be accounted for, compensated for and corrected because they are seen. I now realize that being visible is a key element of integrity/trustworthiness.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the point of visibility within/as integrity/trustworthiness. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to suppress this key viewpoint of visibility in favor of a personality that prefers to remain in the shadows.

    Desteni

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December 17, 2013

Welcome to the Machine – Part One

For some time now, I’ve been writing on the subject of information accountability and its relationship to integrity, how through information accountability we may be able to assist ourselves individually and collectively to cultivate a form integrity within and as humanity. I had been looking at different perspectives or dimensions of integrity, but there was a point that I just wasn’t getting. Then yesterday while reading a Desteni forum chat on the subject of integrity – I came across one point or perspective on integrity that I had completely missed. “With having a look at Integrity from a physical dimension – the physical is an example of integrity, it stands by itself and by all its parts in the interconnected equality and oneness, is constant and consistent and with this – trustworthy. So, I would say integrity is made up of being constant, consistent and trustworthy with visible stability.” Sunette Spies.

So, the point that I’ve been missing all this time in terms of defining integrity and walking a process to stand as it, is that of “trustworthy with visible stability.” So, to push through this point here is a post – that like me – is a writing in progress.

Some time ago I wrote about our lack of information integrity/accountability wherein I stated, “Information Unaccountability is a weapon of mass destruction that will continue to spread destruction, disease and death until “We the People” stand up and become accountable sources of all our information within and as the Public Domain.”

By weapon of mass destruction destruction, I am referring to humans’ every thought, word and deed causing the compounding consequences of this reality – dissonance, disharmony, a human race at war with itself and everything else. Scientist seem to be getting warmer regarding their guesses as to how we’ve manifested this disharmonious reality. My guess is the “Big Picture” is not nearly as complex as scientists would have us think and believe. For every action, there is a consequential reaction leading to compounded consequential reactions which are constantly shaping and forming the whole, hole of a reality. In other words, we’re all responsible for the outflows of consequence as the creation/formation of what is here.

There is nothing complex about the butterfly effect; it’s just that we perceive the whole to be too immense to consider or take into account before we think, speak and act, often choosing instead to ignore the whole in favor of the self-interests of our small minds, kind of like the crowd mentality when someone yells “Fire!” or “Free X box!.” In other words, it’s the little interactions done without considering the effect that such actions will have on down the relationship-lines to other people’s realities, the world-system and the world as a whole.

Take for example the porn watchers on their computers and TV’s. As far as most of them are probably concerned, there’s no harm in just looking at what’s already been filmed. However, if they would consider the bigger picture, they might see that every time they click on the mouse and view a new page, they’re most likely generating money as incentive to the entire industry; thus participating in and causing consequences all the way down to the children who are used, abused and discarded all because of a demand by end-users at various points within and as the relationship lines of the porn industry.

Just as every drop of water equally determines the nature of the sea, so too does every human equally determine the nature of humanity. While it may be difficult to imagine how every action of each-human goes on to influence all other actions; thus creating the outflows of consequence to/as all of humanity; when we put this consideration simply in terms of information within and as the public domain of the Internet, the problem becomes not only more manageable but also completely mappable, traceable along all relationship lines to all points of interaction to all human origins.

Each drop of water from a perspective of awareness is the sea, one with and equal to all drops of water. Our sea of harmony would be one in which all drops of water understand their interconnectedness and thus their responsibilities to express themselves in manners that (rather than compete with and harm other drops of water), assist and support them because all realize that they/we as the sea are one and the same.

In other words, we humans as drops within and as the sea simply require to take responsibility for ourselves and all that is here as ourselves, the sea. How are we going to do this? It’s a multidimensional process, and in these next few posts I’m primarily going to focus on that of Information as it pertains to people and the World Wide Web (of information).

Information, I would say is like the identifying factors of the formations and pathways of both the physical and energetic realities.  Even though the physical reality is influenced by energy information, it remains constant, consistent and trustworthy. In other words, the problem isn’t in how earth and this physical existence functions; it functions fine. The problem is that the outflows of consequence created by humans unto earth – this physical existence – are taking too much of a toll on earth’s ability to maintain the equilibrium of the ecosystem. It’s getting out of control because humanity is out of control; not enough people are taking responsibility for their thoughts, words and deeds. It’s like shouting out, “I hate you.” without considering who’s in ear-shot and what their reactions will be once they perceive that you hate them. Or releasing tons of chemicals into a water supply without considering how those chemicals are going to interact with the plants and animals, and what will happen when other animals such as people consume that which has been contaminated. It’s out of control because we humans have abdicated our responsibilities as integral drops of water within and as the sea; choosing instead our perceptions of free-choice in the free-dome of a human race to be the last consumer to cry buy! buy! in a dead sea. Yes, we humans are the fuck ups; it’s never been the effect of the butterfly, it’s always been the human effect.

Herein, the question is simple: how are we going to harmonize all humans – as our relationships – to sound standings of integrity/trustworthiness before we all self destruct? The most responsible solution would probably be for each human to simply change his/her internal mind/physical relationships to equal and one sound standings of integrity so as to also change the world system – the reflection of humans’ internal and external relationships – to thus reflect our collective standing of sound integrity. Unfortunately, far too many humans have yet to realize or even imagine how it is that the worldwide disharmony (from the small to the big reflecting back unto all) that we perceive to be caused by someone else is in reality equally as one caused by us all; thus requiring all of us to equally as one to take responsibility for righting all.

Taking responsibility for ourselves does not call for suddenly stopping our participation in the world-system just because there are points of evil within and as our relationship lines; this would be like the bubble suddenly bursting (which may happen anyway) and just causing more chaos and more suffering. Instead, it’s a process wherein we walk all relationship points of and as the sea so as to see, realize and understand how it is that we are all in each moment equally as one creating what is here.

Obviously, this is an immense ongoing process. As it has been a process of getting ourselves to a point of almost zero integrity, so to will it be a process returning to the stand of integrity. How fast and how easy or difficult this process is going to be depends on the willingness of individuals to participate; to begin with, each one’s willingness to become accountable open-sources of all our public information, so as to participate internally and externally in this process of realigning all of our relationships to equal standings of integrity – from the without of the world system to the within of each human, and vice versa.

Now for the point of information accountability as it may pertain to Integrity in a new world order. In short, the lack of integrity within and as the human-race leaves us with little choice but to impose information accountability upon ourselves so as to cultivate a form of integrity so as to stabilize, stop and reverse the decline of mankind. Welcome to the machine!

To be continued.

Desteni

November 23, 2013

The Solution to Exceptionalism

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: — Thomas La Grua @ 7:25 pm

Vladimir Putin’s “It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation.” underscores the spitefulness of and as mankind’s original starting-point from which we as the human race have brought ourselves and this planet to the brink of extinction.

 

Some people might think that the word, “Spite” is overkill, but really it’s not. And if people in general were not so brainwashed by religion, consumerism, education, culture, family, tradition and so on, this would be easy to see this.

 

In a closed in world – a vacuum called Earth – with limited resources, competition for resources should not even exist. But it does, which means that some have far more than an ‘equal’ share. Why? Because we steal it from the innocent and those that are less inclined or endowed to play and survive in this competitive game of exceptionalism.

 

In school, they’ll tell you that these are the competitive rules by which all must abide, but I will tell you that this is just another part of the lie, a campaign to keep people brainwashed, deaf, dumb and blind.

You can blame “God’s will” or the so-called law of survival of the fittest, but when it’s all said and done, it just comes down to one word, spite. It’s a frame of mind embodied within and as the sea of humanity wherein drops of water believe themselves to be exceptional, separate from the sea.

 

There’s only one rule to understand:

 

Be the best that one is able to be, which is defined as that which is in all-ways best for all.

 

Our freedom of choice as our right to spite one-another says to go-ahead and continue to ignore, pray if you like, anything to avoid having to actually do something that places you/me at risk of being the nail in the coffin that stood up just to get hammered back down.

 

From this dead-end of a Human Race as the sea of life in a constant state of self consumption, there is only one unending solution, a course correction (from the Rule of Spite) to the Principle of Oneness and Equality within what is best for all. Herein and as this open-source foundation of life, let us all unite to resolve the inequalities of Life.

 

Desteni

November 11, 2013

Self Forgiveness

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 1:00 pm

The last 6 months have been like the last 6 years, a journey of realizations and changes. The main points for me continue to be stopping the mind and changing my relationship to alcohol. I have come to realize that these two points are one in the same: participate in one, and I accept and allow them both; stop one, and I dis-empower them both. 

The weather’s been changing. Even the typhoons don’t seem to follow the paths they used to take directly towards Taiwan; unfortunately, other countries, the Philippines in particular just keeps getting slammed. I look at these typhoons, earthquakes and volcanoes as Earth’s attempt to balance itself for the betterment of all life on this planet. Last week here in Taiwan, we had a lot of successive earthquakes; each one being very strong but not quite strong enough to do serious damage; whereas if all the earthquakes had been combined into one, the result would have been disastrous.

 

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as moving/directing myself slowly.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I needed to crosscheck where I’m heading – by way jumping back to where I had been so as to compare the two positions – without realizing that I am able to check my position within every new breath.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the connection between drinking even just a little alcohol and the creation of energy. I now see, realize and understand that alcohol is a chemical substance that when consumed – causes a physical reaction that releases energy as a byproduct; thus making the process of starving/stopping the mind more difficult.
  • I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to understand that the urge that I still often feel to re-experience my alcohol-based relationships/friends of the past are but charged memories. I now see, realize and understand that these occasional urges to meet up with relationships of the past for the purpose of drinking and perhaps having fun are but thoughts of a personality system/design – not real – that I am able let go of by simply not participating in them. Within this, I commit myself (when these urges or any urges occur) to check the validity of it by walking through it – doing something else or simply releasing myself of that energy. Anything that does not remain as me is/was just illusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of the world being a calm before the storm, and that the conditions in this world are only going to get worse.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it’s best to wait and see instead of standing as the best I am able to assist myself and others to change ourselves by cooperating to direct the outflows of this world so as reduce the outflows of future consequence.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a wait and see approach to my next steps, and within this not see that to wait and see is be reactive instead of directive. Herein I commit myself to continue writing and to release some of what I have already written.

 

Desteni

 

October 13, 2013

Self Forgiveness on Power and Authority

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 4:31 pm

In the last two days, I’ve had some more strange dreams. I wouldn’t call them nightmares because I don’t associate fear with them; however, there has been once again the issue of escaping, so I guess the fear is there, just on a level that I’m not recognizing its source point within me. And now that I’m writing this, I’m recalling the unidentified energy that I’ve been experiencing over the last few days, a dread of something unseen that is also probably of the same point from which these dreams are emanating.

In the dream of two nights ago, I have arrived at a building complex which houses mostly young adults. It’s a campus of a school or training facility. What’s different about this place is that there are also people in uniform. They look somewhat sloppy/overweight and dumb; to put it bluntly, they are the equivalent my definition of a Department of Homeland Security worker, these guys are obviously the ones in charge. Anyway, I hear a missile/bomb flying overhead, and realize that I’ve gotta find some cover. So I run down these stairs, and I see this guy who obviously doesn’t belong there, and some people are chasing him. I start to run away with him, but end up getting trapped on a floor of the building where there are many different animals that are being cared for and/or studied. I tell the officials that I came down here because I thought the place was a zoo. In the next scene, I’m outside looking at the sky where instead of a sun there is nuclear fallout, just swirling dark clouds. One other point that I would mention is that in seeing the people in uniform, there was a moment wherein I thought that that’s where the advantage is, so that’s where I should be.

Last night’s dream was also an apocalypse kind of scenario with vampire/monster people roaming around feeding (in some way) off of the other people, and I’m probably one of the monsters. At first, I don’t feel as though there’s any problem because I’m powerful and can fly. However, as the dream goes on, I begin to lose my powers, until eventually I find myself being hunted by the other vampires, and escape is becoming more difficult because I’m barely able to fly/flee anymore. From a hilltop, I see what look like large pencils sticking up from the ground. I make a running jump off the hill, and while I’m falling, I decide to impale myself upon them to end this flight so to speak, but I end up landing just short of my mark, only to realize that although I’ve escaped for now, I still have to keep running. Interestingly, when I awoke about 1:30 am, the front and top of my forehead felt quite stressed.

The first dream seems to point out to me points/issues that I’m currently dealing with regarding authority and control. These authority and control issues I carry within and as me have been with me as far back as I can remember. I always insisted upon my own space, my decision/choice, and most of all the freedom that I have always sought and sought to protect. I now realize there never has been free choice; how could there be with no equality; and that the freedom that I’ve sought after – and just as importantly, feared losing – is another point that has kept me from living; for that which one seeks/fears is that by which he allows self to be trapped/separate in/as the mind’s illusions of the free dome/concavity. The second dream, I’d say has to do with the desire for power and the fear of losing it, being consumed by my self, a part of me wishing this trip would end while another part of determining to see it through. Of note is that I recently made a decision to allow myself to have these kinds of dreams. Why, because they assist me with a starting point from which to write.

Self forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge DHS workers as sloppy, uneducated and overweight, and within this point not see, realize and understand that the judgment of them comes from my conspiracy-theory fear of being under the control/authority of them or any officials/system. I now see, realize and understand that only that which I give authority over me – through fear – is able to exercise power and control over me. Herein I commit myself to let go of the definitions/judgments that I have given/placed onto authority figures, and just see them for who/what they are. In this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being authority figures.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that where the authority figures are, I should be because that’s where the advantage is, and within this not realize that to place myself as an authority is simply a matter standing up, speaking and doing that which is required to bring about solutions that is best for all. Herein, I commit to keep walking this path to becoming the best that I am able to be, which is that which is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the safety that I may experience with the feeling of power is just energy derived form my participating as a mind surrounded by the same energy defined as fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Escape is an illusion/hope that I’ve participated within and as; thus blinding me from seeing the real/physical land-scape. I now realize that for me to participate within and as what is really here is to completely let go of thoughts/hopes of escape, and face myself. And this, I commit myself to continue doing.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed parts of myself to continue running away, without seeing that these energetic parts as me were still manipulating me from behind. Herein, I commit myself to find these manipulating parts of me and re-task them to support me and that which is best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to live the understanding that nothing is free in this world until all are living as equals in what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire to be powerful; justifying this desire in the belief that I require power to change me/this world. I see, realize and understand that to live the principle of what is best for all I do not require power, just self-directed will.

    Desteni

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October 4, 2013

Heading which way?

I’ll begin with the dream last night. Somehow I lost my head. A doctor was however able to give me a donor head. I felt that it made me look kind of like a female; however, it was certainly better than no head at all. When I returned from wherever it was that I had gotten my new head (it seemed like it was India), I noticed something strange in the middle of my forehead. The doctor had added and extra eye, and it was a big one. I saw that I could open and close it; yet I wasn’t seeing anything through it. So I closed my other two eyes and started really focusing, and then shapes and off colors – like a gray scale of colors began to come into perspective. Even though I looked like an effeminate cyclops, I decided that my new head was kind of cool, and I was cool with it. What this dream means, I haven’t really a clue; perhaps I require to begin seeing things from a different perspective and/or a correction of my heading on the creative side.

First, a look at where I’ve been over the last 2-3 months – the period of time wherein I began to notice myself drifting. Around the beginning of summer I began to question why I was spending so much time indoors writing, reading and studying; why wasn’t I getting outdoors more often riding a bicycle or even going for a motorcycle ride up in the mountains. I still don’t have the answers to these questions; yet I do once again realize that it isn’t a question of where I am or what I’m doing as long as I’m directing myself here.

Yesterday I read some stuff on falling or being distracted from one’s self directive path. To large extent, this is what I had done over the summer; I stopped writing and began to an extent going backwards from where I had been. It’s strange because whereas I used to drink alcohol almost every day, these days even when I go out and have some beers once a week, I notice the physical effects I experience – as in pain – two to three days afterwords. Yesterday, I really felt like having a beer, and I did. Then I thought, maybe I should drink some more so that I won’t feel tempted to go out with people this weekend and drink a lot. As I was really tired from being up since 2:20 that morning, I decided to go home instead and take a nap. After the nap, the urge to go and drink more beer was gone. So, here I’d say that when I’m inclined to do something that I realize isn’t what is best for me, one option is to just go and do something else for a while until the urge to do that which isn’t helpful is no longer an urge.

I find that writing out the stuff that I’d like to say to the world is difficult and time/mind consuming when I haven’t first wrote out myself, that which I’m directing myself to now do. So, I guess my new heading is going to be a return to my previous heading – writing, writing self forgiveness and self commitments, and basically getting back on the path that I’ve committed myself to walking. It’s actually quite an exciting journey as long as I stay on my path. It’s when I stray, as in perceiving that I’m missing out on the rest of the world because I’m stuck in my kitchen-office typing away, that things begin to go from clarity to confusion.

One of my biggest hurtles that I have yet to overcome is this drive to figure out or understand the workings of existence/life, and it has been from this starting point that I have seemingly realized much while also in reality remained stuck in the trap, cycling from remembering to forgetting to trying to remember to imagining, and so on. I have for some time begun to realize that there is substance where there is no knowledge and information; therefore, to be is to be at the very least – without knowledge and information. For what is the real value of knowing so much if that which I know is that which I am not? My goal is to understand everything; thus the importance of also participating in righting everything. It’s funny that the mistake I keep making – trying to figure things out instead of actually living them – happens without me realizing that I’m falling back into the same pit. Then suddenly I look around and realize that I’ve been here before. I guess a cool point to make is that, since I’ve been here so often, the way out is very clear; I simply write myself out of this pit as I’m kind of doing, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slide back into that very same pit, and once again see if I am able to come up with a combination of self-corrective actions wherein I stop myself from sliding back into that pit by moving myself with enough momentum so as to get where I’m heading. Which brings up another point; where exactly am heading?

Last night I watched the movie, Memento. It’s about the constant adventures of a man who has lost his short term memory. So he remembers up until the point where he hit his head, and everything after that is just a new moment wherein he uses self-written messages to remind himself of his quest for revenge – the point of his last memory of someone murdering his wife – which keeps him stuck, cycling again and again on the very same quest without understanding that his revenge has become his obsession. He is able to realize this; yet he chooses to remain obsessed on his quest; it’s exciting and as far as he is concerned it’s all he’s got to keep him going. For him to move on, he requires to completely let go of the past; yet he refuses to just do it in one big step.

I had in the past often considered how cool it would be to one day wake up with no memories. This point I now realize is really silly, considering it’s what we’ve all been doing since the beginning of time, dying to forget and perhaps remember something, being birthed with nothing but an opportunity to let go of whatever it is we think we are and create ourselves as that which we would be, only to die and forget again instead of just stopping the cycle of creation, and just living. When I look at me now, I have only ideas of who and what I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Sure there are memories of this life and perhaps others, my so called past; yet to say that this is who I am – a bunch of memories/experiences, doesn’t made sense; for if these memories are who I am now, who was I before, just a bunch of memories?

The simplest answer is that I am that which I direct myself to be in each moment, and if any moment is based on memories then so shall will I be based-on and defined by such memories which of course is nothing more than a representation of that which may or may not have ever been, certainly not that which I would now care to be. The same trap springs if I look to the future and so define myself by that which is also not here. Here in the present are the traps of the past and the future created by the mind’s idea of time to keep me from understanding that who I am is and has always been within and as me right here; yet the moment I allow myself to participate in memories of the past or future – they are one in the same/ not of this moment – to influence me, I fall into the trap.

The man in the movie was trapped in a cycle of revenge based on memories, pictures, illusions of the mind/past. I too have trapped myself in a cycle of sorts; always trying to figure out what it is I am, without realizing that what I am is always that which I direct myself to be in the moment/here. The past is dead and gone, nothing more than a memory or resonance of what may have been, that which I’ve carried with me, and in so doing obscured my presence/present with energetic images.

The future is but another energetic image/trap carried as my past and fueled by my present, that also prevents me from being whole – here in the moment. Here’s another point. I realize that I have been stuck in and as systems. How the system works to keep us trapped is relatively clear to me; yet the reason that I sometimes choose to go with the system even though I realize it’s just an energetic addiction is not always clear to me. Why can’t we just tear down the walls instead of having to take them apart piece by piece; because then we wouldn’t realize where we’ve built in our faults.

So, to wrap this present up, I forgive myself for once again not seeing that I do not require past or future illusions to show me who I am. I simply require to let go of or shed the influence of the memories of the past, and stop wasting the present on projections of the future.

 

  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve not really been seeing, and that perhaps to begin seeing, I require to stop looking/searching. I have now begun to see, realize and understand that, seeking knowledge and information as to how the system works so as to have my revenge on the system is a cycle trap that I’ve often lost myself in. I also realize that seeking revenge against the system is self-defeatism in that I am the system. Herein I commit myself to understand the system as me by observing “me”, and changing the system by changing me. Changing me to what; that which is the best I’m able to be, which is always only understood by living each point/moment in that moment.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stop writing over the summer, really just wanting to take a break/escape for a time, and in this not see – once again – escape is never escape, but retrenchment into and as the clasps of the system. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that moving back into the system for a reprieve or rest is a retreat from the journey; thus prolonging and perhaps adding more difficulty to this journey.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that an urge to do something is systemic, and often just requires that I move myself away from that stem so as to cut off its influence by not participating in/as it; thus deleting it. When and as I find myself being urged, I stop, breathe and direct myself to a task that in essence cuts off the power source of that urge so as to give me the opportunity see from another perspective that that urge wasn’t really me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that trying to understand something is like trying to stand as something while remaining separate from it. I realize that to understand all that is here is simply to understand me as a physical human being; thus I commit myself to focus on my relationship to the physical me so as to integrate one with, equal to and as.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that typing away in my kitchen office is not fun, and that perhaps I should be doing what I perceive others to be doing. This is a point that I’ve often visited, and each time the visit gets shorter; thus demonstrating to me that the path I was on is still the most correct path.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the knowledge and information I acquire is to be lived which is also to be let go of. I commit myself to a knowing that is not based on knowledge and information, a hereing that I understand as it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to egotistically believe that some things are too trivial to write about, and in so doing hang on to the small things which combine to become the big points within and as me. Herein I commit myself to begin the process of writing out the small points within and as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know where I’m heading, and in this not see that desiring to know where I’m heading is to not be here; thus preventing me from ever getting to where I would be. I commit myself to let go of the desire to know where I’m heading, so as to focus on understanding where I am.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to the past; thus preventing me from understanding the present. I’m letting go of the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, instead of realizing that it’s the now; thus I commit myself to continue my process of aligning myself within and as what is here.

 

Desteni

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