Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

October 30, 2013

The trap of Being

Filed under: Self forgiveness — Tags: , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 12:37 pm

There are a few points that I’m going to get out of me. The first has to do (once again) with my writing, the goals within my writing, which have translated into judgments/limitations. It’s definitely a recurring point that I noticed long ago; yet decided to hold onto. It’s part of my cross-checking, I guess to not accept just any explanation but rather look at everything from many different angles so as to see what’s verifiable in the physical reality. Principles such as oneness and equality simply make sense to me, and they are mathematically provable; yet when it comes to explaining how each person’s thoughts, words and deeds affect one’s self and the whole, it’s a different story. It’s more complicated because I don’t see the laws of the physical reality in terms of the relationship lines, how they interact and apply to that of dimensions of energy intertwined within and as dimensions of physical reality. So, as has often been the case, I wrote and wrote and wrote, each time looking at what I had written only to judge it as imperfect, thus requiring that I rewrite it.

I have this belief that everything that I write and put out there into the public consciousness is going to affect the public consciousness. It’s a battle in which one side of me says, “lower your standards” while the other side says, “what you put out will never go away, and if it’s incorrect, you’re just going to have to deal with it later.”

I guess the first point is to let go of that which I am certain is deceptive, the judgments of my writing being less than perfect. Then there are the standards/judgments – the not wanting to waste people’s time by asking them to read something that is incomplete – and the wanting my writing to be different/special.

I realize that almost everyone I meet is . . . it’s almost like they’re inside of a box, and they seem to have no inclination to look outside of that box. My goal is to bring some of what is outside of their box to the inside of their box before they have a chance to put up their protective barriers preventing anything from getting through to their conscious awareness. Here, I guess the problem is that I’m projecting onto others the cause of my self imposed limitations.

Another point is the voice; it’s not even a voice so much as an awareness – probably energetic because it’s coming from the right side of the back of my skull. It says that I’m going to continue to be stubborn because that’s who I am; I can’t trust anything that I haven’t yet verified for myself. It really is a viscous cycle by which I search for certainty. It’s not so much that it’s stubbornness; it’s just that I realize that in accepting – anything such as a belief in god, religion, today’s so-called science, etc. – would be irresponsible of me.

So, what is it when I attempt to understand something by writing it out rather than just living it? What comes first, the good egg or the design of a good egg? The answer is as always, they arrive together, and this is how my writing goes, round and round in circles. I have at least realized that, acquiring more knowledge and information isn’t the answer for me. I sometimes feel like an ant trapped in a jar, that keeps running around and around trying to find a way out, a way to make sense of why it is I’m trapped in this jar. This is the path I have chosen to walk, and until I find a more direct one, so shall I continue writing, mapping and correcting me.

Self Forgiveness and self corrective commitments

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to translate my writing goals into limitations/judgments of my written works not being complete/perfect. Within this, I realize that I’ve been attempting to reach a point of absoluteness wherein I account for each letter of each word so as to reach statements of perfection. The problem with this goal is that I have defined perfection; thus my perceived limitations as defined/found imperfections in my writing. I now see, realize and understand that my writing is for me and others to see those imperfections so I may align me to a standing that is best for all. I also realize that this is a process of writing and doing, not just writing. Herein I commit myself to stop attempting to be/write that which I am not. I commit myself to write where I am and correct that which is not aligned to what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to decide to hold onto a point of cross checking form a point of judgment of weather my writing is complete or not. I now see, realize and understand that my writing will never be completed, and nor does it ever require to be; as each breath is new so too will that which I write. I let go of the judgments of what is/isn’t perfect, for in the judgment are the imperfections.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge me as not wanting to post something that is not worth people’s time to read, and within this not see that I was just putting up excuses, blaming others for my insecurities. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in insecurities, not realizing that the participation is the insecurity trap. I now see, realize and understand that to transcend insecurity is to expose that which I have judged as flawed within and as me, for all to see; thus having nothing to secure, nothing to hide, nothing to lose, nothing to fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/desire to be different/special, and in this not see that the point of wanting to be different/special is the point of judgment/comparison. I commit myself to stop trying to be special/different, and to just walk the points that I am facing, not accepting or allowing myself to judge me or what I write. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be perfect and thus not realize that in the desire to be perfect is the judgment of what is and is not perfect. Herein, I let go of the desire to be or not to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to explain everything in the most concise manner, and in this, not see that explanation does not have to be limited to conciseness or expansion but rather targeted for whom it is being explained. Herein I commit myself to first and foremost, target the explanations for me so as to see if I understand what I’m saying, and if I don’t yet understand then I will write on that which I do understand. I commit myself to write on that which I see so as to be certain that I’m not imagining things.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything I write and post goes into the collective consciousness, and therefore I should only write that which is absolute. I now see, realize and understand that the only points within which I am able to be absolutely certain is within the principles of equality and oneness within what is best for all; thus I commit myself to write out this principle until I and all as me understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being trapped inside their boxes. I realize that this judgment is of self, and that as long as I judge myself to be trapped, so shall I be limited by that judgment. Herein, I stop judging myself as being trapped, and I stop looking for the shortest way or any-way out, and instead correct my relationship with what is here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set a goal of having people see that which I have yet to even see, realize and understand myself. I commit myself to present to others only what I understand.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to verify/prove everything so as to be certain, and within this not see, realize and understand that “being” is a definition/limitation. Nothingness in the principle of equality and oneness within what is best for all, however, is undefined and therefore limitless. Herein I commit myself to the process of arriving at nothingness so as to be able to create me as an absolute stand in the principle of oneness and equality within what is best for all.
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