Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

October 13, 2013

Self Forgiveness on Power and Authority

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , — Thomas La Grua @ 4:31 pm

In the last two days, I’ve had some more strange dreams. I wouldn’t call them nightmares because I don’t associate fear with them; however, there has been once again the issue of escaping, so I guess the fear is there, just on a level that I’m not recognizing its source point within me. And now that I’m writing this, I’m recalling the unidentified energy that I’ve been experiencing over the last few days, a dread of something unseen that is also probably of the same point from which these dreams are emanating.

In the dream of two nights ago, I have arrived at a building complex which houses mostly young adults. It’s a campus of a school or training facility. What’s different about this place is that there are also people in uniform. They look somewhat sloppy/overweight and dumb; to put it bluntly, they are the equivalent my definition of a Department of Homeland Security worker, these guys are obviously the ones in charge. Anyway, I hear a missile/bomb flying overhead, and realize that I’ve gotta find some cover. So I run down these stairs, and I see this guy who obviously doesn’t belong there, and some people are chasing him. I start to run away with him, but end up getting trapped on a floor of the building where there are many different animals that are being cared for and/or studied. I tell the officials that I came down here because I thought the place was a zoo. In the next scene, I’m outside looking at the sky where instead of a sun there is nuclear fallout, just swirling dark clouds. One other point that I would mention is that in seeing the people in uniform, there was a moment wherein I thought that that’s where the advantage is, so that’s where I should be.

Last night’s dream was also an apocalypse kind of scenario with vampire/monster people roaming around feeding (in some way) off of the other people, and I’m probably one of the monsters. At first, I don’t feel as though there’s any problem because I’m powerful and can fly. However, as the dream goes on, I begin to lose my powers, until eventually I find myself being hunted by the other vampires, and escape is becoming more difficult because I’m barely able to fly/flee anymore. From a hilltop, I see what look like large pencils sticking up from the ground. I make a running jump off the hill, and while I’m falling, I decide to impale myself upon them to end this flight so to speak, but I end up landing just short of my mark, only to realize that although I’ve escaped for now, I still have to keep running. Interestingly, when I awoke about 1:30 am, the front and top of my forehead felt quite stressed.

The first dream seems to point out to me points/issues that I’m currently dealing with regarding authority and control. These authority and control issues I carry within and as me have been with me as far back as I can remember. I always insisted upon my own space, my decision/choice, and most of all the freedom that I have always sought and sought to protect. I now realize there never has been free choice; how could there be with no equality; and that the freedom that I’ve sought after – and just as importantly, feared losing – is another point that has kept me from living; for that which one seeks/fears is that by which he allows self to be trapped/separate in/as the mind’s illusions of the free dome/concavity. The second dream, I’d say has to do with the desire for power and the fear of losing it, being consumed by my self, a part of me wishing this trip would end while another part of determining to see it through. Of note is that I recently made a decision to allow myself to have these kinds of dreams. Why, because they assist me with a starting point from which to write.

Self forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge DHS workers as sloppy, uneducated and overweight, and within this point not see, realize and understand that the judgment of them comes from my conspiracy-theory fear of being under the control/authority of them or any officials/system. I now see, realize and understand that only that which I give authority over me – through fear – is able to exercise power and control over me. Herein I commit myself to let go of the definitions/judgments that I have given/placed onto authority figures, and just see them for who/what they are. In this, I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge people as being authority figures.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that where the authority figures are, I should be because that’s where the advantage is, and within this not realize that to place myself as an authority is simply a matter standing up, speaking and doing that which is required to bring about solutions that is best for all. Herein, I commit to keep walking this path to becoming the best that I am able to be, which is that which is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the safety that I may experience with the feeling of power is just energy derived form my participating as a mind surrounded by the same energy defined as fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Escape is an illusion/hope that I’ve participated within and as; thus blinding me from seeing the real/physical land-scape. I now realize that for me to participate within and as what is really here is to completely let go of thoughts/hopes of escape, and face myself. And this, I commit myself to continue doing.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed parts of myself to continue running away, without seeing that these energetic parts as me were still manipulating me from behind. Herein, I commit myself to find these manipulating parts of me and re-task them to support me and that which is best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to live the understanding that nothing is free in this world until all are living as equals in what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire to be powerful; justifying this desire in the belief that I require power to change me/this world. I see, realize and understand that to live the principle of what is best for all I do not require power, just self-directed will.


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