Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

October 4, 2013

Heading which way?

I’ll begin with the dream last night. Somehow I lost my head. A doctor was however able to give me a donor head. I felt that it made me look kind of like a female; however, it was certainly better than no head at all. When I returned from wherever it was that I had gotten my new head (it seemed like it was India), I noticed something strange in the middle of my forehead. The doctor had added and extra eye, and it was a big one. I saw that I could open and close it; yet I wasn’t seeing anything through it. So I closed my other two eyes and started really focusing, and then shapes and off colors – like a gray scale of colors began to come into perspective. Even though I looked like an effeminate cyclops, I decided that my new head was kind of cool, and I was cool with it. What this dream means, I haven’t really a clue; perhaps I require to begin seeing things from a different perspective and/or a correction of my heading on the creative side.

First, a look at where I’ve been over the last 2-3 months – the period of time wherein I began to notice myself drifting. Around the beginning of summer I began to question why I was spending so much time indoors writing, reading and studying; why wasn’t I getting outdoors more often riding a bicycle or even going for a motorcycle ride up in the mountains. I still don’t have the answers to these questions; yet I do once again realize that it isn’t a question of where I am or what I’m doing as long as I’m directing myself here.

Yesterday I read some stuff on falling or being distracted from one’s self directive path. To large extent, this is what I had done over the summer; I stopped writing and began to an extent going backwards from where I had been. It’s strange because whereas I used to drink alcohol almost every day, these days even when I go out and have some beers once a week, I notice the physical effects I experience – as in pain – two to three days afterwords. Yesterday, I really felt like having a beer, and I did. Then I thought, maybe I should drink some more so that I won’t feel tempted to go out with people this weekend and drink a lot. As I was really tired from being up since 2:20 that morning, I decided to go home instead and take a nap. After the nap, the urge to go and drink more beer was gone. So, here I’d say that when I’m inclined to do something that I realize isn’t what is best for me, one option is to just go and do something else for a while until the urge to do that which isn’t helpful is no longer an urge.

I find that writing out the stuff that I’d like to say to the world is difficult and time/mind consuming when I haven’t first wrote out myself, that which I’m directing myself to now do. So, I guess my new heading is going to be a return to my previous heading – writing, writing self forgiveness and self commitments, and basically getting back on the path that I’ve committed myself to walking. It’s actually quite an exciting journey as long as I stay on my path. It’s when I stray, as in perceiving that I’m missing out on the rest of the world because I’m stuck in my kitchen-office typing away, that things begin to go from clarity to confusion.

One of my biggest hurtles that I have yet to overcome is this drive to figure out or understand the workings of existence/life, and it has been from this starting point that I have seemingly realized much while also in reality remained stuck in the trap, cycling from remembering to forgetting to trying to remember to imagining, and so on. I have for some time begun to realize that there is substance where there is no knowledge and information; therefore, to be is to be at the very least – without knowledge and information. For what is the real value of knowing so much if that which I know is that which I am not? My goal is to understand everything; thus the importance of also participating in righting everything. It’s funny that the mistake I keep making – trying to figure things out instead of actually living them – happens without me realizing that I’m falling back into the same pit. Then suddenly I look around and realize that I’ve been here before. I guess a cool point to make is that, since I’ve been here so often, the way out is very clear; I simply write myself out of this pit as I’m kind of doing, forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slide back into that very same pit, and once again see if I am able to come up with a combination of self-corrective actions wherein I stop myself from sliding back into that pit by moving myself with enough momentum so as to get where I’m heading. Which brings up another point; where exactly am heading?

Last night I watched the movie, Memento. It’s about the constant adventures of a man who has lost his short term memory. So he remembers up until the point where he hit his head, and everything after that is just a new moment wherein he uses self-written messages to remind himself of his quest for revenge – the point of his last memory of someone murdering his wife – which keeps him stuck, cycling again and again on the very same quest without understanding that his revenge has become his obsession. He is able to realize this; yet he chooses to remain obsessed on his quest; it’s exciting and as far as he is concerned it’s all he’s got to keep him going. For him to move on, he requires to completely let go of the past; yet he refuses to just do it in one big step.

I had in the past often considered how cool it would be to one day wake up with no memories. This point I now realize is really silly, considering it’s what we’ve all been doing since the beginning of time, dying to forget and perhaps remember something, being birthed with nothing but an opportunity to let go of whatever it is we think we are and create ourselves as that which we would be, only to die and forget again instead of just stopping the cycle of creation, and just living. When I look at me now, I have only ideas of who and what I am, where I’ve been and what I’ve done. Sure there are memories of this life and perhaps others, my so called past; yet to say that this is who I am – a bunch of memories/experiences, doesn’t made sense; for if these memories are who I am now, who was I before, just a bunch of memories?

The simplest answer is that I am that which I direct myself to be in each moment, and if any moment is based on memories then so shall will I be based-on and defined by such memories which of course is nothing more than a representation of that which may or may not have ever been, certainly not that which I would now care to be. The same trap springs if I look to the future and so define myself by that which is also not here. Here in the present are the traps of the past and the future created by the mind’s idea of time to keep me from understanding that who I am is and has always been within and as me right here; yet the moment I allow myself to participate in memories of the past or future – they are one in the same/ not of this moment – to influence me, I fall into the trap.

The man in the movie was trapped in a cycle of revenge based on memories, pictures, illusions of the mind/past. I too have trapped myself in a cycle of sorts; always trying to figure out what it is I am, without realizing that what I am is always that which I direct myself to be in the moment/here. The past is dead and gone, nothing more than a memory or resonance of what may have been, that which I’ve carried with me, and in so doing obscured my presence/present with energetic images.

The future is but another energetic image/trap carried as my past and fueled by my present, that also prevents me from being whole – here in the moment. Here’s another point. I realize that I have been stuck in and as systems. How the system works to keep us trapped is relatively clear to me; yet the reason that I sometimes choose to go with the system even though I realize it’s just an energetic addiction is not always clear to me. Why can’t we just tear down the walls instead of having to take them apart piece by piece; because then we wouldn’t realize where we’ve built in our faults.

So, to wrap this present up, I forgive myself for once again not seeing that I do not require past or future illusions to show me who I am. I simply require to let go of or shed the influence of the memories of the past, and stop wasting the present on projections of the future.


  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve not really been seeing, and that perhaps to begin seeing, I require to stop looking/searching. I have now begun to see, realize and understand that, seeking knowledge and information as to how the system works so as to have my revenge on the system is a cycle trap that I’ve often lost myself in. I also realize that seeking revenge against the system is self-defeatism in that I am the system. Herein I commit myself to understand the system as me by observing “me”, and changing the system by changing me. Changing me to what; that which is the best I’m able to be, which is always only understood by living each point/moment in that moment.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to stop writing over the summer, really just wanting to take a break/escape for a time, and in this not see – once again – escape is never escape, but retrenchment into and as the clasps of the system. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that moving back into the system for a reprieve or rest is a retreat from the journey; thus prolonging and perhaps adding more difficulty to this journey.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that an urge to do something is systemic, and often just requires that I move myself away from that stem so as to cut off its influence by not participating in/as it; thus deleting it. When and as I find myself being urged, I stop, breathe and direct myself to a task that in essence cuts off the power source of that urge so as to give me the opportunity see from another perspective that that urge wasn’t really me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that trying to understand something is like trying to stand as something while remaining separate from it. I realize that to understand all that is here is simply to understand me as a physical human being; thus I commit myself to focus on my relationship to the physical me so as to integrate one with, equal to and as.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that typing away in my kitchen office is not fun, and that perhaps I should be doing what I perceive others to be doing. This is a point that I’ve often visited, and each time the visit gets shorter; thus demonstrating to me that the path I was on is still the most correct path.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the knowledge and information I acquire is to be lived which is also to be let go of. I commit myself to a knowing that is not based on knowledge and information, a hereing that I understand as it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to egotistically believe that some things are too trivial to write about, and in so doing hang on to the small things which combine to become the big points within and as me. Herein I commit myself to begin the process of writing out the small points within and as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to know where I’m heading, and in this not see that desiring to know where I’m heading is to not be here; thus preventing me from ever getting to where I would be. I commit myself to let go of the desire to know where I’m heading, so as to focus on understanding where I am.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to the past; thus preventing me from understanding the present. I’m letting go of the past.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, instead of realizing that it’s the now; thus I commit myself to continue my process of aligning myself within and as what is here.




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