Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

August 20, 2013

More little points

Yesterday as I was exiting a 7-11, I looked up and saw a woman walking into the store, smiling at me. I smiled back; we both said hi, and I continued walking, but not without turning around and looking at what had brought me to suddenly smile, a smile just came out. As I looked, I realized that I had in that moment defined her as not only beautiful, but also desirable. So I forgave myself aloud for accepting and allowing myself to judge that woman as being beautiful, and within that judgment (a judgment of mine) limit myself – to an experience rooted in definitions based on memories/experiences, perhaps not even mine – instead being there in the moment and physically seeing her and other beings for who or what they are as beings. From this experience, I began considering why after quite some time of not experiencing such a feeling, I suddenly found myself smiling a smile that didn’t seem as though it was a reaction of mind; how have defined myself though pictures/sexuality? I’ve written about this before; yet there are some points that still come up within me whenever I consider what points I haven’t written about. These are points that I have judged to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out; yet if they are so irrelevant, why do they still come up whenever I look into me for the secrets that I’m still carrying, allowing to define me? So, here are the points that I haven’t written about much before. When I was younger in the early 70’s, anywhere from the ages of 9-14, me and some other neighborhood kids used to go all over the place, through the farms, in the woods, hiking, rafting, swimming in the rivers, and we would often walk around the countryside, forest, etc., naked. I don’t exactly recall why, but I do recall it being fun, kind of like being free and rebelling at the same time. I’m not sure if it was part of the times – an outflow of the Vietnam war and end of the 60’s, but I also remember sometimes at night, going streaking through our small town. The most prominent memory I have of this streaking is one evening being on the outside of a Presbyterian church in front of a big church-window where people inside were gathered for something. This was probably when I was about 9 to 13 years old. I remember seeing a woman walk into the kitchen; then me and this other guy just jumping in front of the window, waving our arms and yelling. Then we ran away to hide in the woods to see if they would call the cops. If the cops did come, we would have gotten their attention in the hopes that they would chase us, and then ran off into the woods. Continuing on with exploring sexuality, I’d say that my introduction to sex was nothing short of a disgrace to humanity. I was probably eight or nine at the time when my dad had already been gone for about a year or two, and one of my uncles was visiting. He ended up showing me and some of my siblings, 8mm porn flicks. At the time I though it was cool; however, when I look back at my introduction to sex, I’d say that that and the prevalence of porn magazines pretty much destroyed any chance of me developing a healthy relationship personality. I viewed girls only with want and desire, and had no idea that I could simply speak to them as normal beings. I do not blame my uncle/uncles; theirs was a middle-class Irish catholic family of 11-12, and I do recall my mom telling me that her brothers all has to be alter-boys… These days, I understand to large degree, the design of personality systems, and I clearly see the damage being done by pornographic images literally everywhere youngsters look. Thus, I’m going to write more on the subject of information abuse. Here, I’m just clearing up some points within and as the design that I had allowed myself to believe was me.

Self Forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge any points within/as me to be irrelevant – not requiring to be written out because I didn’t believe they were affecting me. In this, I see, realize and understand that the little points that keep coming up aren’t really irrelevant if they keep coming up. Thus I commit myself to write these points out and address them with self forgiveness and self commitments so that these points no longer come up and charge me/define me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for – as a 10 -12 year – streaking in front of a church, and from this judgment declare it irrelevant so as to justify not writing about it.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for walking around the countryside/forests, naked, and within/as this judgment not see, realize and understand that there is nothing wrong with going naked.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about my introduction to pornography (8-11 years old) through an uncle who while on his visit, showed me and some of my siblings 8mm porn flicks. I now see, realize and understand that it is through our fears of upsetting/questioning the traditional/familiar/cultural values that we as society/species continue to allow the degradation of our species. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being singled out as having been abused. I now see, realize and understand that showing a 10 year old pornography was/is abuse. Herein, I commit myself to raise and upset the status quo of every aspect of humanity that is not a status of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to as a child, not see, realize and understand that I as an awareness do not require changing me to understand information – as knowledge. Herein I commit myself to when looking at information, not to allow myself to be formed by that information, but simply apply it as knowledge in a way that is best for me and best for all as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have for most of my life, viewed girls/women in the light of sex, always placing them on a rating scale instead of seeing them as who they are as life equal and one with me as life. I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize why my only female friends were always lesbians, married or immediate family members; I now realize that this was because I hadn’t judged/placed them on the scale.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to limit my view of women to a degree of desire. I commit myself to when looking at men and women, see who/what they are without a mind’s interpretations; thus perhaps gifting myself the opportunity to see people for who they are as life.
  • Desteni
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