Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 12, 2013

Writing through

Filed under: Desteni I process, Thomas La Grua's Journey to Life Blog — Thomas La Grua @ 1:47 pm

For the last 5-6 months, writing has been an extreme chore. It’s not that it’s been difficult for me to sit down and do it; no, it’s that what has come come out hasn’t stayed on the point. What point is or was there to stay on I might ask myself. I don’t have any points that just jump out of me like “this is what’s important to me.” The word, “care” has recently come up as a point of me wondering (once again) if I ever would care in terms of doing something because I cared, as opposed to always requiring to direct myself. I’ve always used a lot of time even to just write one paragraph, 2-4 hours on average. Yet, over these months it has taken me far far more than that amount of time just to get to something that I would keep rather than delete.

It’s strange that I would go all over the place when writing. Seeing what I’ve come up with, brought back memories of seeing some of my father’s writings. They too seemed to be all over the place; his diagnosis, paranoid schizophrenia. My self diagnosis: I’ve filled myself with knowledge and information to the point that I understand it – as knowledge and information, but not as a physical standing of who I am as life, which in itself is an example of a knowledge and information statement.

With knowledge and information there is always another dimension or perspective to it that will flip the conclusion upside, and this continues on into infinity. So, I’ve got ground myself here because it’s really all I have to walk on, the ground that is here. This pisses me off deep down inside because I realize that, except for this one point of certainty within/as me, there is no other certainty, and I do so desire more certainty within and as me. So I analyze myself based on this one point of certainty. The conclusion is always the same; I wouldn’t have put myself or allow myself to be put in a place where I wasn’t absolutely certain that I would be able to find my way out or through. So I keep on pushing myself on through.

This is the start of my writing to eventually rid myself of fear/paranoia, so that my writing may flow as this piece has.

Self Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define writing as an extreme chore, and thus not see that it hasn’t been about writing, it’s been about writing out a point on which I care. When and as I find myself at the point of looking for something I care about to write; I stop, breathe, and just choose a point that requires to be opened up ‘by me.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder why I haven’t found that much care within/as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I write should actually make a difference with anyone but me. I commit myself to writing words that I would be, that which is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see that what I am writing about is actually making a difference in this world, and in this not realize that as everything is connected, everything that I do has an effect on the whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my writing is first and foremost for me to change me to the point that I live the words I write.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conclude that there is a very low probability that anything I say or write will change anything but me. Herein I see, realize and understand that it’s the small steps that create the big changes, and it’s gotta be done.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to search for and attempt to create a point of care within and as me. In this, what I have not seen or realized is that, I don’t require ‘care,’ to do what requires to be done. I am able to just do it because I direct myself to do it, and this is what counts.
I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to wonder what’s wrong with me – in terms of taking so long to write. I now realize that writing about something that I don’t yet understand, limits my ability to write about it. In this I commit myself to do more research regarding the Equal Money system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that knowledge and information is only as useful as it is useable ‘in the physical reality.’ Herein I commit myself to when and as I find myself pondering whether anything I do, will actually make a difference in the long term or the whole picture; I stop myself, and simply remain focused on that which is here, and my responsibility in taking the next step.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to analyze or judge myself, and thus not give myself the opportunity to simply direct me. When and as I find myself at the point of analyzing where I’m supposed to fit into this existence; I stop, breathe, and realize I am able to be everywhere.

Advertisements

Leave a Comment »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: