Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 2, 2013

Decision Beyond the Decision

Filed under: desteni, Equal Life, Journey to life, La Grua, Mind Consciousness System — Thomas La Grua @ 10:23 am

Below is part of a post that I completed a couple days ago.

“Recently, someone I’ve known for more than 20 years, called me to inform me of an opportunity to perhaps work in Thailand as a contracts administrator in the same company he is currently working. Through-out the years, these kinds of opportunities to move into different levels of the system have occasionally come my way. For the most part, I let them pass by, choosing instead to maintain my independence – defined as freedom. This time around, I’ve decided to go for it, all in. The company (like a tentacle of a tentacle) is part of an enormous holding company which is basically right in the heart of the world system. I’m not sure where I’ll end up with this (or even whether I’ll get the job); however, I am certain that I will no longer pass-up, in favor of the “desired” simple-life, opportunities such as this. The key is for me to not get lost in the process of integrating into different layers of the system.”

The remainder of the above post consisted of self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements (which I’ll copy and re-post along with this document) directed towards some of the issues I was facing in regards to pursuing this particular job or jobs like it in the future. To get to the point, I didn’t (on my regular blog) post  what I had written, because I judged my self-honesty to be a “less than desired trait” of these kinds of positions. In fact, for about two weeks, I stopped posting altogether because I didn’t see writing self-honesty as something that would be looked upon favorably (for the position I was applying). 

The conclusion:
I’m not willing to hide who I am, where I stand, or pretend to be an “average/normal” person; I am far from the norm of this world, and I intend to keep moving in the opposite direction with all those who are willing, to reverse the course that has become the norm of this world.
The Decision, beyond the Decision:
I’m continuing with my self-honestly, and I’m going to continue posting my writings as public as they can be.
From the Previous post:
The points that I’ve been facing in regards to making this and/or other opportunities happen:
  • Leaving my wife and dog by themselves: The last time I left, my wife had her legs run-over by a car – no serious injuries; then a motor scooter accident, requiring hospitalization and rehabilitation. On top of that, my dog almost died, also requiring surgery and hospitalization. Aside from the “idea” that I have to stay and take care of them, I see no “real” needs for me to be there all the time.
  • Leaving the luxury/security of home: The last couple of times I’ve gone away to work in another country/city, I compared living at home, to living in small apartments with bare walls and a board for a bed; and thus, experienced loneliness and missed home.
  • The risk of failure: I had in the past, largely accepted and defined myself as an underachiever: money beyond what was required for a certain level of comfort never really motivated me; yet I have held myself back for fear of failure.
  • Laziness or lack of motivation: I have found that I preform very well at high-speeds or when there is crisis. The times in between have been like being bogged down on country roads, waiting for things to speed up. I’ve waited for the end of the world, the money system to collapse, oil to stop flowing…
Self forgiveness
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving my wife and dog behind, and within this, not realize that I had projected my fear of being alone/lonely onto them, and used it to justify staying in my mind safe/home.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what happened to my wife while I was away. I see, realize and understand that I’ve become dependent on having someone depend on me, and that it is not necessary for me to physically be there all the time.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my dog getting sick – because I wasn’t there to take care of things. I see, realize and understand that I am responsible for her well-being, and within this understanding, I make my decision – with the hope that my wife and dog will take care of each other, should I go away for a while.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to compare living at home with living away, and in this comparison, place a positive energetic charge on living at home, and a negative on living away. I now see, realize and understand that by comparing/judging where I stay/sleep/rest, I trap myself in the cycles of contentedness and discontent.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to experience loneliness, and within this, not realize that loneliness is merely a dimension of the mind desiring confirmation of its existence.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an underachiever, justified in the “righteousness” of not chasing money, and self-judgment – that I must have done something horrible to deserve to be locked-up in this Purgatory. I now see, realize and understand that I have caged myself, and to free me is to let go of the limitations that I once believed were me.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear failure; and thus, limit myself to attempt that which was well below my abilities.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as not knowing, and within this, justify not entering into new environments where I might be exposed to the oversight of another.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that I performed better at high-speeds/in crisis, and within this, not see, realize and understand that I’ve been comparing myself to others, judging myself to be better-off in certain situations; and thus placing myself in situations where my ego would be satisfied that I was better-off than most of those around me. I now see, realize and understand that, once again I had caged myself into illusion which I accepted according to my limited/self interested point of view.
  • I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to desire a simple-life, and within this – not see, realize and understand that my simple/easy life has been paid for by the hardships of others.
Self-commitments
  • I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to participate within/as wanting to be safe at home, because I realize that the idea of safety is no more than a lighted area surrounded by fear.
  • I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to compare/judge where I live; instead, remain stable so as to accomplish my goals of participating and contributing to the process of changing this world to a place that is best for all.
  • I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to judge/compare habitats, and to instead, make the best of where I am, by remaining here, breathing.
  • I commit myself to no longer define myself as an underachiever or anything else; and thus, walk step-by-step within and as the living/understanding that I will accomplish that which I’ve set-out to accomplish, one step in each breath.
  • When and as I find myself at the point of fearing not making the grade or being exposed for being in the wrong suit, I stop, breathe, and remember that the suit is just a temporary character to put on and take off as need be, and that I am able to put-on any suit I choose so as to maneuver/function within this system until a new system is up and running.
  • When and as I find myself believing that I am not skilled enough to do a particular task, I stop, breathe, let go of the definition of limitation, and I move myself to a solution that is best for me and all involved.
  • I commit myself to place myself in situations that require me to expand myself, do more and be more; and thus, rid myself of the idea of self-limitation.
  • I commit myself to release myself of the desire for a simple-life, and to go do/be what it takes to to give everyone the opportunity to live equally.
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