Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

November 30, 2012

Day 73: World inside of me

Filed under: desteni, Desteni I process, equality and oneness, Journey to life, Self forgiveness — Thomas La Grua @ 11:11 am

I live in a world of contradictions. I look at the news and I see suffering that in my imagination must be worse than death. Where do so many find the will to continue to experience such despair; hope may be their god, yet common sense says he’s not there. I hop on my scooter, go to work and teach children for whom hunger is but an internal clock reminding them that it’s mealtime. In the mornings I sometimes greet them as they get out of a $60,000 SUV. They don’t always smile, yet I rarely see them cry. My world is full of contradictions because I force myself to see how the other parts of me survive and die. We’re all just the walking dead and dying – the differences lie only in the mind, as in how much illusion our money can buy. Just because we do not experience the suffering that takes place in this world, does not mean that it does not affect us or that we will not equally have to experience it – the cycle of time has a way of seeing to that. It’s a circle that starts with a mind that fears, desires, and needs to the point that it absolutely believes that it must have more in order to survive, and so it does survive at all costs. The circle of life it is called, yet for the physical that is here it is a constant and continuous death – born to sacrifice and die so that the mind as energy may survive; I wonder if I haven’t under estimated the mind. I readily agree that I am in and of my physical human body, and I agree that it is necessary to stop consuming me as physicality, and to return that which I am as energy to that which I am as substance. Yet I have always been cunning, manipulative, and rarely without self-interest and at least one back-up plan. Am I deceiving myself, thinking that the mind is on my side, are there layers of me yet to be peeled away that will show that the true nature of me is but another lie? For the most part, I’ve narrowed down that which I experience in the mind to relationships based on definitions/fear: money, commitment/responsibility to life, and thinking about existence. I’ve been considering writing a letter to my family, once again to see if I might evoke a response indicating that they are the exceptional beings that I once imagined them to be. Alas, there comes a point when one must face reality – they are not special and nor am I – just born with genes at a time and place, within an unfair system designed to support only so many. So, I won’t write them an update, for I no longer view family as more important than the life that is here as me and all as me in dire need of assistance/change. My wife says that the only thing she cares about is money and although I understand that it is her fear speaking, my words do little to assure her or me. It’s like I keep expecting her to wake-up and see that there is more to life than having lots of money just to pass the time until we die. I appreciate the honesty I see in her, as though she is incapable of hiding her emotions – anger derived from fear is most often that which I see. It always just seems to come straight through, unlike I who calculates and will usually thinks things through. On the subject of 2012, my view is that the Mayans and their calendar were spot on – give or take a bit of time/mind based on human action/inaction. The end of time / God as money is just about here. Then again, where in Hell else would it be? Or am Just underestimating the mind?
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the suffering is worse than death and within this not see/realize and understand that as the afterlife is obviously the result of the before-life, it’s probably not getting any better afterwords. Within this I realize that the only place to stop and change the way we exist, is right here and now, and that is what I will continue doing – for as long as it takes to change me and assist others to change themselves.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view my reality as contradictory, when in fact it is an exact equation of acceptances and allowances, equating to consequence. Within this I see/realize and understand that I am responsible for the consequences of my every thought, word and deed. Thus I commit my to stop the secret thoughts, and only speak and do that which stand within the principles of what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as energy of and as the mind, fear, and withing this not see/realize and understand the bigger external world that suffers the consequence of such fear, as well as the consequence suffered by my physical body. Thus I commit myself to when and as I find myself at the point of fear, stop, breathe, and walk through it with the certainty that, giving into the temptation only prolongs the suffering.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question my commitment as the mind to the process of stopping myself, and within this not see that I as the physical must also take responsibility in asserting me as the physical to fill in where the mind is no more. Within this I commit myself to re merge all parts of me into and as the physical me, releasing the energy relationships that I have accepted and allowed to act on my behalf, and to within this, stand here equal and one with all that is here as a physical being that will eternally stand for and as that which is always best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that the true nature of me is always who I am in this moment and subject only on my commitment/will to remain true to that which I am creating myself to be. That which I am creating myself to be is from the beginning, an absolute standing here within and as oneness and equality, as what is best for all.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in projecting onto “money” my fear of hearing my wife speak of not having enough of it. Within this I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that minding the money as in desiring/wanting more than what is needed is a point that each must walk through on their own.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety in relation to my wife’s talk about money – wanting to save more, and within this not realize that I can not change her anymore that I am able to change anyone else. Thus it is for me to use intellisense and remain stable as an example of self honest living within the principle of equality and oneness.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope/expect that my wife would somehow wake-up and begin to see things more aligned with how I see them, that we both together would stand for equality and oneness. I see/realize and understand that there are so few that willing will, or are even able to stand without massive assistance. Within this I commit myself to the process of standing for/equality and oneness, and assisting from whichever point I am standing.

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