Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

October 7, 2012

Day 53: That sinking feeling

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 4:49 am

What I want to write about is how ridiculous people are, how dumbed-down they seem to be – these days. That’s what I want to write about, and that’s after watching the first season of a TV series that came out last year. I fast forwarded at least sixty percent of each episode because the dialogue seemed so simple/ridiculous/propagandist. Interestingly I’ve also had this sinking feeling in my gut over the last two days – kind of like that feeling Anu spoke of when one knows that he is giving in to resistance. Also, over the last day or so there were two instances where I reacted in aggravation. The only activity that I’ve done differently over the last couple weeks includes some extra TV watching. As I said, I’d like to write about how idiotic today’s programming seems to be. Yet the feeling in my gut tells me my experience isn’t due to the quality of the entertainment programming; it’s (my guess) due to my watching it. It’s occurred to me before that currently I study/investigate material that although available to many, is only investigated by an extremely few, and yet I still probably spent/wasted eight hours in the last week, watching very low quality TV programming. And then there’s the consideration that I may be studying this stuff too much, but that argument doesn’t carry any weight me. Although I will say that I do still pick out points and look to see if and where they fit into the entirety of the picture presentation of this reality. For instance, a couple of weeks ago I watched the movie, Total recall. It’s about a spy who has his memory erased so that he can infiltrate the resistance, yet once he realizes what has happened he doesn’t want to return to who he was before. This got me considering the topic of memory, and I remembered what Bernard Poolman said about not trusting memory because it can be manipulated (my interpretation – based on memory). On this topic I have also come to see/realize that memory as in pictures/experiences of the past is unreliable and not to be trusted. So then, I started considering: “What is actually real in this REALity?” Everything that I see is presented as an interpretation/picture of and within the mind. What about another four senses: hearing, smelling, touching and tasting? It has been said repeatedly that which is real in this world is the physical – that which one can touch. Yet this too I question because I realize that I still do not see what is actually here; my hearing is still influenced by my definitions; taste and smell, too. So, tonight’s writing is about me getting back on course, turning up the volume so to speak in terms of increasing my intake/absorption of the streaming amounts of “wake up” information coming over the internet, via the portal. I will also increase my writing, and self-forgiveness – where I see it. What I realize/reaffirm about this process is that as I’ve stated before, the support is really supportive, yet the responsibility is mine – meaning that that which is here as me, energy and physical is responsible for walking this process and getting it done. One day perhaps I will be more specific as to, “that which is here as me”. Thus, my decision regarding this writing and my observation of me over the last couple of days, is to substantially increase my intake (with the goal of seeing/realizing and understanding) of the Desteni material pertaining to our physical existence and the mind/energy relationship to physicality. And within this I will seriously curtail the entertainment – as I have not enjoyed it. It’s weird – almost surreal, that here we now have access to information that details what the hell has been going on for eons, and within this it appears that only handful of beings will look to see. Now I see the saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” One more thing: I often say that I’m alone. Yet I don’t feel lonely – that’s new. And I’ve also noticed my writing appears scripted, and that’s interesting.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look/search the entertainment programming and within this not see that I as mind was/is simply trying to hold onto the past version of me. The thing is I’m not looking for a new me; I’m creating a new me. I see/realize that that which is new may seem/appear strange and withing this I commit myself to remain here, stable, in breath, and to walk through the strange and the new.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I am not limited in terms of the amount of the information that I am able to understand, and within this I realize that while the mind may mind and even overload a bit, I do not and will not mind at all an increase in the pace/frequency of information that I absorb, as I do see the urgency. Thus I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to be swayed by that which is enticing/entertaining, and within this to push though the resistance/feelings/uncertainties regarding the amount of information that I absorb/see/view/realize, so as to come to an understanding.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question so much and within this sometimes miss that which is obviously right here in front of me – the truth as all that is actually here. Within this I have come to realize that from the perspective of viewing for entertainment, as is the view of this world, it’s a mess just like the rest. Thus I commit myself to focus on that which I see as offering the highest return for the time spent; specifically, I am able to do much much more.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto another even for a moment that he or she is/was or has been the cause of a reaction within me. Through this (the points where I’ve reacted) I see/realize and understand to an extent where I am in this process (in relation to where I’ve been), and also what I need not entertain. Thus I commit myself to proceed with what I have learned and (as stated before) increase the pace.

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