Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

September 3, 2012

Day 34: The petty stuff

Filed under: Desteni I process, DIP, Journey to life, Self forgiveness — Thomas La Grua @ 12:45 pm

Over the last two days, I’ve been asking the question, where do I still fear. At an overtly conscious level, I see no fear – as in terms of dying, not existing, losing myself… Yet there must still be fear lurking within me because fear (as I understand it) is the is the root of all consciousness activity – thoughts, feeling, emotions; and these. Which I have yet to eliminate. So, I guess it’s time I began to focus/dissect that which I would call the “petty” stuff, the little things that come up during the day: taking note of the clothes I wear, wondering what people think when they see me walking to my house, taking naps in the afternoon… 1) I wear clothes that present an image aligned to my current task – it’s just business, so to speak. Going out to the park, I’ll wear torn shorts and a T-shirt. Perhaps, taking note of the clothes I wear is not really such an issue after all. Feeling strange about walking in my housing complex. It’s strange because when I was young, I would want people to know that I live in an expensive house. However, now sometimes I notice that I feel a little strange when I picture myself walking into my house. I picture others placing me in a status/class, and I would prefer that there were no classes – to the point that I lived in a simple cabin. These are some of the little thoughts that still come up in my mind. Taking afternoon naps: the other day, I awoke to a voice saying something like: “and where is it that I am acting as though I am not life?” I jumped out of bed: “That would be me, sleeping.”
Self forgiveness
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider some thoughts are too little/petty on which to write self forgiveness, and within this not realize that: thoughts, feeling and emotions – no matter the size, have a seed and root from which they arise, and sometimes to get to the root of the cause it is necessary to follow the stem. I see/realize and understand that thoughts/feelings and emotions all emanate from a starting point of fear, and thus I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to believe that some thoughts/feelings/emotions are acceptable because they are so small/petty. I commit myself to stop even the small and the petty because I see/realize and understand that as above so below, in the big is the small and in the small is the big.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others the reason for me considering which clothes to wear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that by playing into the system I am also accepting and allowing myself to be degraded by the system, thus I commit myself to no longer consider what the system wants; but the expression that I choose to express as me regarding that which I wear – thus that which I wear becomes an expression of me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the clothes I wear are not who I am and do not determine who/what I am, thus I may wear what I please as a self-honest expression of me.
  • I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to be moved by what it is I think others would like me to wear, but instead wear as I please.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that to feel strange/moved/different about anything is to be a personality/character acting a part in a script, missing out on life. Thus I commit myself to not accept and allow any movement whatsoever regarding my standing as who I am in this moment. I am not defined by my circumstances/surroundings. I am that which is here in/as breath – that which is unmoved on the inside/outside, self directed all around.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the house in which I live. Within this I see/realize and understand that that which I identify with is/are points within which I have separated myself from me. Thus I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to see me as anything more or less than one with and equal to all that is here. That which I see is me, and I am not defined by any of it – not even myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having more/less than others, and within this not see that self-blame hinders self-direction to self-movement to solution. Thus, I commit myself to no longer waste time on a feeling associated with my placement in the system, and instead to focus only on that which leads to a solution to the problem, a solution that is best for all in all ways – equality and oneness.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to sleep a minimum of 7-8 hours in order to not be tired. I see/realize and understand that it is mostly only the mind that gets tired. Thus, I see/realize and understand that I can be here without so much sleep, and in this, the amount I sleep is determined to an extent by my self-directive to be or not to be here. Within this, I commit myself to sleep according to the needs of the physical, thus perhaps increasing the amount of time that I am here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I enjoy sleeping, and within this not see/realize that this is a mind trap/belief. The enjoyment part has always been lying in bed, awake, and never while asleep.

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