Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

July 29, 2012

Day 18: The Giving up Character

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 8:00 pm

Off hand, I would say that this character doesn’t exist within me. Which is to say that I’ve never given-up, which – based on me as Ego’s definition of “giving up,” is probably accurate. The problem lies with my perspective of “giving up.” I’ve always seen everything from a “me” perspective; so of course I’ve never given up on “me” – I’m still here. My methodology of making sure that I rarely even failed – let alone “gave up,” at anything, was to simply realign the parameters/definitions of giving-up / failure. For example: when studying academic subjects in universities, when and if there came a time that I realized I wasn’t going to get the grade I was shooting for, I would simply reduce what I was shooting for, thus avoid the experience / emotions of having given up or failed. Thus, as far as I was concerned, I never really gave up at anything; I just put it off or moved on to something that I considered more interesting, relevant, etc. I extended this methodology to everything including life on earth. I’ve always been able to see the direction that we on earth are/were heading, thus (in accordance with the above methodology), instead of seeing myself along with other earthlings, as failures having given up on ourselves, I simply placed the entire projection – worldwide calamity, into the category of “it’s an experience / adventure” – no giving-up or failure there. And by never (until now) actually committing myself to an endeavor, insured that I would never have to face “giving up.” Even when I did undertake an endeavor, I always accepted that it could be revised on a moments notice; once again – no commitment, no failure. And that’s basically how/why I’ve never considered myself to have given-up or failed at basically anything. Strange.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that if I allow myself to redefine a commitment, I am indeed giving up that commitment, and within this I forgive myself that I have not (until now) accepted and allowed myself the trust/understanding that a commitment that is made for and in the name of life is in word and deed a commitment worthy of my life/trust. Thus, I see/realize and understand that my commitment to life is not a commitment to be feared, but one that will banish the fear, through living/understanding the commitment.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that fear of giving up/failing, and therefore never striving, is in itself an act of giving-up or accepting failure without having even taken a single step.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify going slow because I feared that making a mistake/falling could be a catalyst for giving up, and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that falling and then standing up is not an act of giving up, but a process of learning and thus nothing to be feared.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that giving up is akin to quitting and within this process that I am in, only death awaits those who quit/give up, and even then the process continues – thus, giving up/quitting is not an option.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the term “giving up” applies equally to the big and the small, and that it is in the small “giving up’s” as in acceptances and allowances, that determine who one is. Thus, I see/realize and understand that who I am in regards to “giving up” is determined by who I am as life within and as every breath.
I commit myself to not give up on me or anyone else, even if they should give up on themselves. Thus, it is for me to not accept and allow anything short of a 100% commitment to be here WITHIN AND AS EACH BREATH!
I commit myself to check my self breathing / expression again and again and again… so as to catch myself when I am not here in and as breath, and bring myself back here – as many times as it takes, until I am certain that I remain here.
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