Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

July 23, 2012

Day 15

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:08 pm

There is a woman who works in one of the local market stalls that I often go to. Usually when I interact with her I smile, as with most people, but not everyone. Today, she smiled at me and as I was smiling back I held  back slightly on my smile. As I was walking away, I thought to myself, “what kind of crap is that, that I can’t just smile completely at everybody, an expression of me?” The reason that I didn’t smile completely to her was because deep down somewhere in me, something / a pattern told me not to smile too completely at this woman so not to give her the idea that I am attracted to her, in essence not to lead her on. So, here I walk through the market / my day, and I’ll smile – as an expression of-sorts of me, at young men, old men, old women, kids, animals, etc. But when it comes to women whom I consider to be cute, they don’t (especially if their father is nearby) get more than a half a smile, and that’s a program in me that I would rather be without. I see that not smiling equally at everybody, as an uninhibited current expression of me, has to do with my judgments towards others, and my perceptions of what they perceive my smile intends/means. In both accounts, I am participating in the illusory reality of me as a mind consciousness system, with the consequence outflow being that I’m limiting my expression of me, the one that’s here in/as the physical reality. Thus:
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare people to my database of definitions, and based on such comparisons see/judge them to be negative, neutral or positive in relation to the picture that I am currently painting/creating as my internal reality. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have/be a database of definitions. I see /realize and understand that I have created me as a mind consciousness system in and as the physical, as a database of definitions, and that removing those definitions as me is a process that requires that I not participate within and as those definitions, essentially – stop (within my mind) painting a picture of my external reality.
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