Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

July 15, 2012

Day 10

Filed under: desteni, DIP, Self forgiveness, seven year journey to life — Thomas La Grua @ 9:55 pm

I’ve noticed through browsing other people’s blogs that they been writing about a personality character/trait called, the one. This is a character that I can definitely relate to. As a child, I spent a tremendous amount of time daydreaming. It was always the same theme: there would be the good, the bad, and the innocent. I was never any of the above, but I was always the hero. There would be lots of fighting with all kinds of weapons, and I would always get wounded, but I’d kill the bad guys, save the innocent, and of course be the hero. I always imagined that death, before a firing squad would be my eventual preferred way to go. During my 20’s I spent quite a bit of time in Central America looking for a worthy cause to fight for. I would question the different sides of the various revolutions taking place at the time down there, to see which side I should join. After a while I realized that there were no causes to be had – at least that I could see, that warranted killing. So, I moved on, but I kept the personality, It perhaps has assisted on occasion, but the times that stick with me are the memories of the harm it/I did to others, in the name of honor or protecting another. And in hindsight, I see that I never needed this personality; I’ve always been extremely adept at manipulating others so as to achieve a non violent outcome. It’s when I as that personality got scared, pissed off or vengeful, that unnecessary consequences occurred.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the one. I see/realize and understand that the desire to be “the one,” is the desire to be superior – the superhero, which in itself negates a standing in and as oneness and equality. To stand within and as oneness and equality with all existence, is to stand equally as one with all of existence, not as “the” one.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that I am special because I see things that others apparently don’t, and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not yet see/realize and understand that what I interpret as having seen is flawed because it’s based on my interpretations / definitions of the mind – yet to be aligned to equality and oneness within and as me as substance.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to stand alone against all that is wrong in this world, and within this not realize that I am an equal part of all that wrong in this world, and as such it is for me not to stand against the wrong, but to stand as it and right it until I as it am wrong no more. I see/realize and understand that in righting me, I am also righting all of existence as me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the hero of the dream never actually changes anything, he just dies and only then, escapes the dream. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize and understand that the real heroes are not the ones that go off to war to fight and die, but the ones that stay and affect the change that benefits all, by giving of themselves what they would have given, by walking the changes – day to day, breath by breath.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to move myself to walk this process in part because I see it as the ultimate adventure – me going up against almost impossible odds, facing my fears – curious but not in a big hurry to see what they are. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the extent of my commitment which is at the very least, to stand together within the group, i.e., completely let go of this/my go it alone personality.
I commit myself to continue righting me through writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, and to walking that self-corrective application until I am a living expression of that which is best for all. I commit myself to continue letting go my go it alone tendencies to continue to ingrate into and align my efforts with that of the group’.
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