Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

July 5, 2012

Day 2: A look back at the last 12 months

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 8:28 pm

Last summer around this time, I had probably just arrived in Singapore or Bali Indonesia. As usual I was searching for something – the ‘filling’ of an emptiness that I experienced inside of me. I didn’t find it, but I did realize that Taiwan was/is currently the most logical place for me to be, and that decision was the key to solving what I termed, my midlife crisis. Thus, having spent more time planning my trip, then I did actually tripping it, I returned to Taiwan. I accepted a job at a very well known, extremely well funded private Buddhist school in central Taiwan. What I found was the “ugliest” example of religious hypocrisy that I have ever witnessed first hand. It was like this: the contamination/edict started at the top/eye of the pyramid, and as it passed down through each successive layer, all of that layer’s crap would be added to the original edict. The second layer from the ground floor was where I and and all of the other teachers were located; the first layer contained that of all the students. Such a shame. I resigned four months short of the end of my contract. They had built the case against themselves, I just put it on paper. That was three months ago. During this time, I’ve been living both at home and in central Taiwan, and now I’m back home in Tao-yuan to stay for at least the rest of the year. I’ve begun writing again – even more so than I used to, and I’m once again participating in the Desteni I Process, which really does require (aside from writing about change), that I also walk the change. There’s no hiding from the truths of myself, and I am very thankful for the support that I receive from this group. So, what have I learned from the last year, what changes am I now waking? For starters, the emptiness that throughout my life compelled me to move forward in search of something, is and has always been in relation to me as mind consciousness system experiencing itself as negative-energy experience, and the move forward was simply the search for reward to recharge/establish itself within and as the positive energy experience.  I’ve also found my purpose in life: 1) to walk myself out of the mind and into the physical, i.e., live here within and as the physical, equal and one with all that is here – as opposed being an organic robot trapped within and as the illusion of the mind; 2) to assist in stopping the annihilation of ourselves, earth, existence etc., and to work together with the group to bring about oneness and equality – heaven on earth, so to speak.
So, I’ve got an extremely busy agenda ahead of me. As this this process/path requires me to walk as a sustained and stable directive principle, I am making a few structural changes to my life style. I’ve also begun to understand why it is that so few of us human beings are unwilling to see/acknowledge or comprehend even to a small degree, what is actually happening in this world – let alone, consider that they are capable of making a difference. It’s definitely a gloomy picture. However, I am certain this situation is correctable within this short window of opportunity before us. The inside information (if you will) regarding existence, the universe, life, death, the world money system, design of the mind, etc., has been pouring forth since 2007. All one has to do is go to this web site desteni.org, push through the mind’s automated protection mechanisms, look/listen/read. The choice to see or not to see is ours – for now. There it is, my year in review.
Self forgiveness on a variety of experiences/reactions that came up during the day:
This morning, while at the fruit market, something fell and hit my leg – no damage done. However, I reacted by searching for someone to blame, as though I had been unduly harmed, as though I was now the looser in a game that had just played out. I see/realize and understand that by reacting, I had given myself permission to participate/play in a polarity game of winning and loosing, in which all who play, lose.
  • I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react – look to place blame – towards someone for something that was obviously just an accident. I see/realize and understand that by seeking to place blame / get equal, I am giving me as ego, permission to to take over and play a game in which even if I think I win, I still lose. Within this understanding, I commit myself to remaining here in breath, so as to no longer accept and allow myself to be automatically drawn into the games of me as ego.
  • I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the comparison game in which I compare myself to another in an attempt to establish superiority/inferiority and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the illusion of perceiving how another sees me.
I see/realize and understand that who I am is not determined by the outside world – but instead, by who I am here as life within each breath. Thus, I commit myself to no longer participate within the comparison game, comparing me to others or others to others. I also commit myself to stop deceiving me by participating in the illusion of perceiving what others think of me. I realize that who I am is that which is here as life in each breath.
I’ve rearranged our kitchen office so that my wife’s computer monitor and mine are right next to each other. As she watches a lot of soaps, I have been concerned about the consequences – if any – of these images and sounds going into my subconscious.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the images and sounds of soap-operas have the ability imbed themselves into my mind. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am responsible for what stays with me and what goes straight through me. I see/realize and understand that although I see/hear my surroundings, nothing can/will stick to me unless I allow it. Thus, I commit myself to at all times, strive to be here in breath so that sights and sounds may pass through me, but nothing sticks to me and nothing moves me.
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