Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

July 1, 2012

Day 49: Battle-suit

I remember when I was much younger, there was always a very serious side of me that I never openly showed. This was the side of me or backchat that always took-over on the inside whenever I felt threatened. I came to appreciate this side of me, for the excitement it provided, the competition, the safety, the win… I’ve written about this before, and done quite a bit of self-forgiveness on this weaponized or militarized backchat, as I call it; and although I haven’t completely rid myself of this suit, I have made progress by changing me to no longer accept and allow it to overwhelm and completely direct me. By changing me, I mean: no longer accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the mind’s “fear,” derived from the “mind’s” interpretation of reality. Because, once I accept and allow / give legitimacy to the mind’s interpretation that something is a threat, it’s like opening up Pandora’s box – I as the mind go into battle-mode/overdrive. The physical creates adrenalin, and everything else gets put aside; it’s quite a high, the do or die battle suit. The funny thing is that which I have in the past, defined as “a threat,” could have been and sometimes was really trivial, which later, led to regret. Anyway, yesterday I received an overtly threatening Email. Actually, in running through the main points, in my mind, I see that there was quite a bit of humor placed in there. But this backchat of mine takes everything seriously, and like a hunting dog, it said to me, “Come on, let’s play.” I said: “No, thank you, I’ve got more important things to do than be dragged around, consumed by you.” So, even though this personality suit of mine pestered me for activation authority, for at least an entire day, I did not succumb. Instead, I am left with the question, why is this suit still hanging around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize – on a level within which I was prepared to do anything about it – that this battle-suit is most likely my base personality – me as a mind, defined. Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto this personality because, as this personality is the “protector,” I decided to let this one be the last one to go. I now see/realize and understand that this suit – like all the others, must go, piece by piece, just as I created it, here and there, everywhere. The key to having nothing to fear is having nothing to lose. Thus, I commit myself to the following: writing to thoroughly expose this personality; self-forgiveness to release me of the energetic relationships that make up this personality; and self-corrective application to change me to a standing/walk so that I never again move as this mind/personality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the experience of being within and as this personality/mind as being exciting, safe, competitive, alive, alluring, dangerous, etc., and within this not see / realize and understand that the excitement/experience was due to 1) an energetic-high caused by the mind’s consumption of the physical, and 2) a chemical/drug created (at the behest of the mind) by the physical and released into the physical. I see / realize and understand that the allure of this personality is the allure of the energetic and chemical high that I experience as a result of accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as this or any personality / mind activity. I now, also see / realize and understand that the consequences of such acceptances and allowances are the deterioration/destruction of the physical. Within this, I commit myself to stop my participation within and as this backchat militarized personality/mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge someone to be a possible threat, and within this ‘judgment’ not see the starting point of me as mind/ego/personality portraying an illusion, seeking the authority/justification to go to war, for its reward of and as energy experience. I see/realize and understand that I am still participating within and as mind, ego as personality, and that I must stop this participation. Within this, I commit myself to the continuation of doing what I’m doing – walking slowly but surely, out of the mind, and into the physical.

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