Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 30, 2012

Day 48: Friend-ships

I want to be humble, to have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Untie the puppet strings, wake me up, so I may live as purpose. The path to ‘here’ is clear, but I am still tied-down by the sins of my past – the falsehoods of friendship, the insecurities of tempering my words so as to leave room to fall, the image of me as, “I just don’t give a shit.” This is not who/what I want to be. None of my past is, and it never was. So today, I give-up another piece of this ungodly image of me – my friendship suit. I hereby renounce, abdicate, throw away, etc., all current and past friendships – implied and or written. Consider them dead; consider me – the Thomas you once knew, dead too. Know that this has nothing to do with you, my ex-friends; you never harmed me, but I was always dishonest with you. 99% percent of the friendships that I’ve established and maintained throughout my life have been from a starting-point of self-interest. I’m changing that, starting now.

Henceforth, my relationship-participation with others will be based on the goal of establishing oneness and equality – a world/reality based on that which is best for all. It’s simple: I will establish and maintain only friendships/relationships that benefit or hold the possibility of befitting the cause – Oneness and Equality. This is where I stand.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be humble, waiting for me to “be” humbled, and within this, not realize that, that which I would be/understand (a humble me), I must create/change me to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to have nothing to lose, and within this, not realize (as with the desire to become humble) that the state of me being/having nothing to lose requires letting go of ‘all’ of that which I have placed value onto. I see/realize and understand that the only way to have nothing to lose and become humble is to humbly direct myself within and as the process of stopping me as Ego and letting go of that which I have placed value on that is separate from me. When and as I find myself at a point of desiring to “live,” I stop, breathe, and I walk within and as breath, until that point of desire no longer has a hold on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be free of the puppet strings of the mind, while at the same time – not doing enough to set myself free. I see/realize and understand that only I can set myself free, and that requires that I live the words I write and speak. When and as I find myself at the point of wanting this reality to change, I stop, breathe, and realize that the journey has just begun, and that my reality will only change as I change me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as “not giving a shit about anything;” when in actuality, I just saw no way to change anything, and used that stance so as to protect myself from the feelings associated with caring – but not doing anything to help.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, as long as the sins of my past remain hidden in my mind, they will always come back to haunt me. I see/realize and understand that this journey to life requires that I write out ‘everything’ that I have stored away within and as me as mind; forgive that which I have accepted and allowed, and walk the corrections that I have written. I walk a path to establish myself within and the absolute stance of self-honesty and oneness and equality. I will walk that path, one breath at a time. Only the secret minds fears the past.

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