Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 29, 2012

Day 46

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:49 pm

I still have yet to see where I’m going; I guess that’s because I’m still seeing with the mind. It’s like walking around in the dark; I bump into something – it hurts a lot, and I keep walking along, certain that there is no turning back, but clueless as to what’s ahead. One cool realization – to an extent is – that whatever happens internally (in the mind consciousness system) isn’t real; it is the illusion. Which logically means that there’s no reason for any internal movement/reaction what so ever. This opens up so many possibilities, while at the same time – allowing me to let go of so many obstacles.
The pain/gout is back; I knew it would return because the last time it came – two weeks ago – I pushed it aside with medicine; I had to move/work. This time I’m going to let it run its course, let me heal.

More Pain:
First, it was just my left ankle and lower leg. Now, it’s also the lower back. Lying down is too painful; I can only hobble. It’s actually an interesting experience that’s not pleasent. I’ve been keeping up with the breathing – the pain is there to remind me. Sitting down – writing is better than lying down. I drink lots of water, but going to the bathroom is hell. So, I got a 2L bottle and have been using that. My wife says it’s disgusting – but the pain overrides her. Happy has been watching over me very closely. She seems to see what’s going on. I’m in a time loop. Last year around this time, I was facing the same point, I didn’t make a definitive stand; I left loopholes for me as the mind, biding its time, waiting for just the right opportunity to push for the fall. I attempted to deal with a point where – because I was physically walking the change, I thought I didn’t need to follow through on the writing – I was wrong.
The lower back feels as though it’s been sliced up and stitched back together. It’s painful and difficult to move – but I move.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think I’m tough for enduring excruciating pain, and within this, not see / realize and understand that I as the physical have been enduring pain since I was born – I as mind just wasn’t consciously aware of it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to for most of my life, believe that pain was just in the mind, and as such, allowed myself to a large degree, switch it off or ignore it,not realizing that the pain is/was the physical’s means of communicating with an unaware me – trapped in and as mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe (for most of my life) that the physical was vehicle that I would use until I died, and then get another; within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that the physical is life, and the mind is a system that feeds off of Life.

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