Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 26, 2012

Day 45: Daily self-standing

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:30 am

The day before yesterday, I wrote the following: “Within this, I commit myself to point out to others, the abuse that women have been and are subject to, due to our real and de-facto acceptances and allowances of the definitions – cultural, stereotypical, etc., pertaining to women; and that such acceptances and allowances are the causes that lead to the consequences we as a civilization are currently experiencing – rape, prostitution, pornography, slavery, and so on.”

The next day (in my face), I went up into the mountains, with a long-term friend and someone I have only known for a short time – both males. Much of the chatter was about women. Most of it wasn’t derogatory, and I didn’t participate – I just drove. However, there was one point that lasted about 15 minutes or so, in which my friend was talking about why he wouldn’t allow women to come along on his expeditions: they were too week; it was too dangerous, etc. Then the other guy started saying how his ‘bitches’ were… There mannerisms were (which I’ve become accustomed to, throughout my life) that of two guys having fun, and I wondered to myself, “should I interject here and give these guys a view-point, based on my limited knowledge and information of how the system works, so as to explain why it is important to stop participating in this kind of banter?” As I lie there on a large rock, the river rushing by below, I thought, I listened, I considered, and I didn’t say a word. I realize that this stance of lying as opposed to standing was a hypocritical mistake – I didn’t speak-out/standup. Other than in written words, I don’t remember when/if I’ve ever made a physical-stand in this kind of situation – men, good old boys bantering back and forth, just having fun; and me standing up and saying, “enough”. So, in order to assist me to not make the same mistake in the future, I’ve decided to start honestly having a look at my Self-Standing on a daily basis, and keeping a record of it. It’s a work in progress, but it looks something like this:

Self-Standing daily grade: A-F

06/24/2012… D
Two friends were talking about women (man’s talk) in a manner that they wouldn’t have been doing so if women were present. I didn’t intervene, and I didn’t point out anything. I should have but I didn’t. Thus, D

06/24/2012… C+
Conversation with (name): I breathed, stayed calm, pointed out to her where she was projecting blame onto me. I did not attempt to manipulate her into becoming angry – as I probably would have in years gone by. However, I did experience some reaction in my stomach. Score: C

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stay silent while others verbally abused. I see/realize/understand that, with having knowledge and information of the system and how it works, comes the responsibility of pointing out to others where we/they are contributing to the misuse and abuse of Life. Thus, when and as I find myself around people who are clearly contributing to the misuse and abuse of this world (regardless of whether they know it or not), I stop, breathe, and speak-out from a perspective of “We,” as opposed to “You.” I understand that I myself am far from perfect, and that that which I speak to others also applies to me; so, I speak to others – as me. My approach to this kind of task may require some practice to get it right, and that’s what I’ll do – practice until I get it right.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that my staying quiet and allowing others to abuse is my abuse to/towards life. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let fear of being a party-poo-per, hinder me from taking a stance and speaking out. I see/realize/understand that this fear of standing-up is one of the reasons nothing has changed in this world; people are too scared to stand up, for fear of being hammered down, ostracized. Others may sometimes become upset by what I say; so be it. I understand how in the past, I’ve wasted opportunities (to stand-up and make a difference), and that I have just about run out of excuses for wasting anymore opportunities. I also see that it is important to speak only that which I am living as example. Thus, the degree with which I speak to others should be equal to that which I have demonstrated to self that I am actually walking/living.

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1 Comment »

  1. I wouldn’t have attached grades onto each day because of the entire beliefs behind grades. A point I had to consider when I noted what I did throughout a day was that a day consists of MANY moments. Since applying my attention to these ‘small’ moments instead of considering myself in terms of days, I am applying myself more effectively and enjoyably than before. Thank you for sharing!

    Comment by Kasper Kwan — June 29, 2012 @ 4:47 pm


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