Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 23, 2012

Day 43

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:04 pm

I was thinking about humbleness, just after I woke up. I clearly see that my words are neither humble nor written in a humble manner – as though from a humble writer. I suppose I could lie in the words of humble looking sentences, but that wouldn’t make me a humble writer – or even a humble liar. No, I’d rather just get to those little hidden bits (truths, lies, rights and wrongs) figure out what I’m dealing with, and deal with it; let humbleness come along when it comes along. I’m heading back up north next week, to home-sweet-home; I’m not even surprised. What can I say: things change; I see my priorities more clearly than I did before – simple as that.

I realize that my writing, lately has been unusually harsh or brash, and I see that I’m doing this (over compensating – so to speak) so as to make sure that anyone reading this – including me, have no illusions pertaining to that which is me right now – my weakest links as I see it. Cockiness is a defense mechanism I use to so as not to unduly raise expectations. Being counted-on / trusted doesn’t seem to be something that I’ve ever really chased after – I’ve avoided it like the plague.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see (before) that by writing about only that which focuses on my dark sides, I am in essence giving undue attention/legitimacy to those sides of me to exist; and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that in writing about the lower standards, I am participating within and as the fear of raising my standards and having to maintain a standing of and as that which is best for all. I see/realize/understand that it’s time to let go of the fear of commitment / trust / responsibility, and embrace this path that I have chosen. Resistance is only a program, and the way to let go of it is to write the change, walk it, and become it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to (within distrusting almost everyone) categorize almost everyone into the same group of/as (ignorant human beings), and within this, basically, bypass the obvious – we’re all trapped, just in different cages and to varying degrees of unawareness. I see / realize / understand that for me stand for and as oneness and equality, I must stand for and as oneness and equality = for and as everyone and everything, absolutely equally – no picking and choosing. Thus, I commit myself to within this process of directing me within and as breath, equally give (treatment, respect, trust – with common sense, etc.) unto all, that which I would have all, give unto me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being one of those that are counted-on, for fear of letting people down – failing them. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that fear of letting others down is actually a fear of facing self-failure/defeat = the fear of quitting. I see/realize/understand that the fear of failing and or quitting are the biggest justifications for never attempting, and that those who say they can’t – never will. Thus, I restate my commitment to never give up on me or another as me. Nothing is going to stop me – least of all, me. When and as I find myself at the point of saying: “I can take this short break; what difference is it going to make.” I stop, breath, and realize that short little breaks are when surprise attacks occur. Rest comes when the job is done and the minds are all closed down.

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