Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 20, 2012

Day 40

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 1:23 pm

Today I reacted to the point, a perception that a person wasn’t interested in listening to me. Me as the mind: “How dare he/she consider anything else to be more important than listening to what I have to say.” I did self forgiveness on it immediately, but the ego used that one little point to throw forth all sorts of stuff – all designed to defile the character of this person and goad me into (within and as the mind) changing from a friendly secret-mind posture, to that of offensive secret-mind posture. It’s interesting (and I’m going to investigate this more) because me as ego seems to be changing tactics. Whereas before, this kind of reaction would have occurred as loud backchat – this slander campaign was much quieter, right above the line dividing the sub-conscious and conscious. It was as though each point in a dull glowing yellowish oval would come up, make its point, and establish a position. Anther point would come up, establish its position, and then connect to the other points – until finally (as I was already stopping this), the case for establishing an offensive position was just thrown out there before I closed the whole process down.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the dishonesty of attempting to perceive what others perceive of me – my speaking, and in so doing, judge them to be interested = respectful, or not interested = disrespectful.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately realize that the point of judgment – the point of perceiving or attempting to perceive what others think is a point of self-judgment within and as me that I have not taken responsibility for.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see / realize / understand that the self-judgment I was concealing within and as the judgment of another, was my point of wanting to be ‘the’ point of attention, and to have the other person accept my point – making me the winner.
When and as I find myself at the point of judging another as not wanting to listen to me, I stop, breathe, and take self-responsibility for the point within and as me within which I am judging self. I see / realize / understand that if I begin speaking from a point of wanting the other person to understand / agree with me, I have already failed in establishing an equal dialogue because my starting point was that of want – instead of self-expression.

When and as (during a conversation) I find myself at the point of reacting in any manner what so ever, I stop, breathe, and within the recognition that I have begun playing the polarity game, I bring everything back to me and start over. This time, making sure that I do not allow me to fall into the trap of wanting to (win).


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