Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 19, 2012

Day 39: The Decision

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Tags: , , , , — Thomas La Grua @ 4:45 pm

Yesterday, I was given the opportunity to rejoin the Desteni I Process. It wasn’t about making a decision ‘to’ or ‘not to’; it was simply about me logically directing me, which is (as I see it) in essence what the equality equation is all about – logic / simple mathematics = I/we are the sum of the consequences of that I/we accumulate. I’ve spent ‘a lot’ of time writing and trying to mathematically justifying this, only to realize that it’s just been my mind manipulating me, seeking to buy/steal time, procrastinate so as to keep me form actually getting to the point. So, here it is.

I have made “the” decision to let go of my wandering ways of exploring myself (through trial and error), so as to dedicate me to becoming part of the solution that is best for all. What all this exactly means I have yet to understand, but I’m going to find out. Although I’ve spent much time researching, analyzing and validating this stance, there are still parts of me that disagree in both thought and deed, and therefore require a much more dedicated stance within and as me. An experience leading up to this realization began on Friday: it was as though the parts of me knew what was coming even before I did, and so began to push and pull. One part, the mind was and still is in many ways determined to sabotage this change, while the other part, the physical is determined to solidify it. I started my morning doing routine stuff – downloading upgrades to programs, downloading extensions, etc., and then very suddenly my computer entered into a downward spiral that would eventually require me to back up and reset the entire system. I was doing it; the question is, why. As this was happening, my left ankle started turning red and and swelling – pain, pain, pain, gout. It didn’t end there: my wife decided that she (immediately) needed to know what had become of her Australian pictures that she had taken last year. I knew; I had deleted them some time ago; why, I don’t know. Add to that, a nose problem that had begun a few days ago, and I felt like I was in the middle of this storm that was just crushing down on my little care-free reality that I had spent the last year building up – based much in part on using/abusing the knowledge and information that I’ve been accumulating over the years. I pictured me throwing my stuff into the car and making a run for it, but I couldn’t even walk. So I sat there with my foot on the table, my ankle throbbing in pain, my wife yelling at me, and I finally did it; I just breathed, and breathed, and as I breathed, things did begin to slow down. I looked at everything in my reality to see what I was responsible for and could possibly direct. The answer: everything. So within and as those breaths, I spoke self-forgiveness for every single thought, reaction, etc. that came up. And through this, I realized/understood that my (mind’s) reality really is created within in and as those breath-by-breath moments based-on and limited only by that that which I accept and allow. Which tells me one thing for certain: that which I (within and as the mind) can stop and start in an instant, is not real, it’s illusion. I am certain of this because the only thing in all of this that I was completely unable to control/stop/start was the pain within and as the physical/ankle. Thus, I see, realize and understand that the only thing that is real – that which has any real power in my reality is the physical. So I spent the next two days (mostly in bed) embracing that pain. As Johnny Cash said: “I focus on the pain, The only thing that’s real.”

The pain of the physical has subsided, but I can still see the torment of the mind as a storm lying in wait, readying itself to slip through the cracks and burst through the seams of missed opportunity – a forgotten breath here, a thought over there, mistakes of the unaware. Which brings me to this so called, choice/decision. I have for some-time now realized that to completely walk self-honestly, one has to do so in thought, word, and deed. Which comes first, the chicken of the egg? I don’t know, so I’ve been focusing on thought and word, and leaving ‘deed’ to fall in on its own. It hasn’t worked. So, having run out of options to consider, it is now time for me to begin living my words into and as deeds. In order to do this I need to at the very least, first clear the my air so that my starting point is aligned with my goal.

As I said before, this weekend I was given an opportunity to once again walk within-and-as the group, Desteni. I have for quite some time now, already been walking with them, but I’ve always kept myself slightly / almost-completely on the outside. The reason for this (as I see it) is because I was both wary and afraid at the same time. See, as far back as I can remember, I have never cared for groups of any sort. I despised them for the inherent weaknesses of the group-mentality: petty bickering, jostling for position, and most of all – the inability of the group to move in absence of its leader. Simply put, if it had the name, “group” attached to it I stayed away, except when there was something that I wanted. Then in 2011, after having studied/followed the Desteni material and their movements for at least three years, I decided that it merited my jumping in (Lie! I wanted access to more knowledge and information; I was and still am fascinated by it.) So I joined the Desteni I Process (as it is now called). The problem was that I did-so from a starting point of dishonesty, based within and as the fear of having the members of the group see me for who/what I was – not really part of the group, not one of the good guys. And from such starting point, it was pretty much inevitable that everything I did from that point would be defined/limited by that point, so as to eventually take me right back to that point. At that time, I was just confused (I called it information overload). So, eventually when I saw the opportunity to really step outside for a while, I did just that. I had no idea what I needed to do, but now in hindsight it’s all very clear to me. I needed to realign my starting point to that of real-living self-honesty – as opposed to just self-honestly acknowledging that I’m dishonest. I needed to understand that the world is not going to be changed from the outside; it must be done by / from / within and as a group that works/stands together and assists others to stand as well. To move the whole of existence, one must move as the entirety of existence – as one. I understand that I’m not directing myself within and as that yet, and that getting to that point is going to be quite a process to say the least. So, this weekend, not because I wanted to, but because it was/is the only thing to do, I made a commitment to really join the group. These are only words: “joining the group.” I don’t yet know what they really mean, but I will come to understand them.

I write this Journal to Life – perhaps it will be called one day – so as to burn the ships of return, to see / realize / understand that there is no turning back for me, my words, my standing and walking. I am what I am within and as the accumulation of each and every breath, and if I can change/align me (within and as each breath that I have left) to that which is best for all, so to can everyone else, and perhaps we do have a chance. It’s a one-way/no return trip, the journey to be.

On an interesting side note, I had a dream the other morning: While walking along I encountered a group of vampires who were proceeding to feed on a heavily-set young female. As I was taking a picture with my new smart phone, one of them, the leader turned around and put out his hand for the camera. I gave it to him; he deleted the picture, and then he looked deeply into me. I asked what he was doing, and he said he was looking at my line. We spoke for a while. I asked if I could write their story, but I saw (images) that indicated it was already being written. After a while, he again looked at me very deeply and said: “a virus is coming,” and I saw images of what looked like inadequate water filtration systems, and I knew that not even his kind were prepared.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within writing, attempt to justify certain positions, and within this, not see that I was actually just keeping me within and as the mind preoccupied so as to avoid getting to the points that need/needed to be dealt with / forgiven / released. I see, realize, and understand that searching for and playing with mathematical formulas, for the sake of proving to myself and others, that what I’m doing is correct, is the process of the mind stalling for and wasting time. When and as I find myself at the point of justifying aligning myself to that which is best for all, I stop, breathe and realize that, justification is a placement of and as the mind – a waste of time. Thus, I align myself to within-and-as that which is best for all, check that alignment within and as each breath, and proceed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have (as though it’s something that I’m holding in my hands) the choice to do or not to do what is best for all. The only choice is to be or not to be, and within this, my actions – gifting to all as me, or spiting all as me, determine my outcome. When and as I find myself at the point of questioning where to stand, I stand with and for life, directing myself to walk within and as that which is best for all. From my perspective, it’s a simple matter of accumulating breath by breath that which is best for all, which obviously is also best for me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within and as the mind, seek to manipulate / sabotage change that is clearly necessary/needed for me to walk out of these self-destructive patterns that I have become, and into and as a responsible human that stand one with and equal to all life. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the fear of living the change, rather than simply walking it breath by breath, and step by step. When and as I find myself at the point of going into the mind and wondering what I’m going to do when it comes time to actually live these changes – what am I going to say to my friends, how will they respond, etc., I stop, breathe, and say: “Go fuck yourself, Mind, because I’m through with being fucked by you – fucked by myself.” And once again, it’s simply a matter of breath by breath, and step by step, until I’ve walked these patterns completely out of me. Thus, I commit the totality of me to not allowing myself to participate within and as the destructive nature of thoughts seeking to sabotage my process of change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ask for assistance because I believed that sooner or later I on my own would get it right, and I didn’t want to interrupt those whom I saw them as having more important things to do. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see/place myself as ‘less than’ life, and in doing so not see / realize / understand that within and as this stance, I was in thought and deed, dishonoring life. I may be alone, but I’m not without support and assistance. Thus, I commit myself to ask for assistance, as I would have others ask of me in times of need. I commit myself to not judge others’ lack of understanding to be any more or less then mine, but to place myself within and as a position of equality wherein which I recognize that it is the miniscule things that make up who and what we are.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, by routinely going about my day, not see / realize / understand that I am/was acting within and as the patterns/parameters of a mind consciousness system. I see/realize/understand that participating within and as anything done without complete awareness is within and as the program of the mind = the abdication of Life, in favor of the finite energetic experiences of and as the mind. Thus, I commit myself to diligently observe myself within and as each breath, so as to limit and eventually stop abdicating life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself use knowledge and and information (of how the system works), for my benefit alone. When and as I find myself at the point of using knowledge and information (of the system) from within and as a starting point of the mind – ego, greed, etc., I stop, breathe, and direct myself to be that which is best for all. Looking at the big picture, it seems like an immense task, but looking at it breath by breath brings it down to a personal manageable level. Thus, I commit myself to continue studying and analyzing the whole, while at the same time focusing on changing the little things that are me, so as to change the whole as me, for the betterment of all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to begin aligning my thoughts and words to that which is best for all, while in the same moments allowing myself the dishonesty of hoping that my deeds would follow suit. I see, realize and understand that by changing my thoughts and words (but not my deeds),
I’ve begun to change my mind, my personality suit, but have yet to actually change me as life within and as the physical. Therefore, I commit myself to continue the process of aligning thoughts and words to that which is best for all, while at the same time diligently beginning to walk these (aligned) thoughts/words into and as ‘deeds’ as a living expression of that which (in deed) is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge all groups as being the places to go for those who didn’t have the courage to stand alone. I see/realize/understand that within and as this judgment, I did not clearly see the point within and as me – of fear, fear of letting go of the control of me, fear of giving up that control unto the mentality of the group. To fear losing one’s-self is to fear losing that which has never actually been, which is both irrational and illogical. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge all groups as being the same, and as such have for my entire life (regarding groups), subjected myself to the cell of that one judgment. I see/realize/understand that although, only I can change/create me, changing existence requires a group effort standing as one. Therefore, I commit myself to self-honestly participate as a member of the Desteni group, directing me to stand within and as the principles of equality and oneness, so as to bring about / create a world where all life is respected and treated equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me as being ‘not one of the good guys,’ and within this not see/realize/understand that (within this existence) there are no good guys. There is just equality and oneness = Live within and as Life, and separation = Evil within and as Life. I see/realize/understand that I/we are currently the Evil within and as Life. Thus, I commit myself to stop participating within and as the customs, traditions, political etiquette, etc. (because everything of and as this world is in reverse of the way Life is meant to be), so that I may fully participate in stopping and reversing the current trend, so that we all may begin to live Life the way it is meant to be lived/expressed = equality and oneness.

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2 Comments »

  1. Really enjoyed this. Thanks Thomas

    Comment by Cathy's Journey to Life — June 20, 2012 @ 9:23 pm

  2. “The problem was that I did-so from a starting point of dishonesty, based within and as the fear of having the members of the group see me for who/what I was – not really part of the group, not one of the good guys. And from such starting point, it was pretty much inevitable that everything I did from that point would be defined/limited by that point, so as to eventually take me right back to that point.”

    I am one vote for seeing/realising/understanding that participating in a thought has consequences. I am also facing this point: thank you for sharing!

    Comment by Kasper Kwan — June 20, 2012 @ 1:03 pm


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