Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 14, 2012

Day 38: Subconscious fear/guilt

Yesterday I had a dream that my dog, Happy had gotten seriously injured. She was in a lot of pain. I picked her up take her to the hospital, but I couldn’t hold onto her because she kept squirming around. I lost her, and then suddenly I saw her body in a canal, under the water, not breathing. I pulled her out of the water, pushed her stomach down so as to get the water out of her lungs, and then blew some air into her mouth. She started breathing, but was still in bad shape. I asked her: “Happy, are you going to stay with me?” She said: “I’ll definitely stay until tomorrow, but after that, I’m not certain.” This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream like this – with her, and other beings. Each time within the dreams, there is the feeling that I am responsible for what is happening to this being – person, baby, pet, animal, etc. Then following the outcome (seen or just perceived) I within the dream and upon waking, experience different degrees of guilt/loss, and occasionally the empty hopelessness feeling associated with knowing that something terrible has happened that can never be undone. It occurs to me that an explanation for why these reactions have begun to come up in my dreams is because they’re coming from my subconscious – that which I’ve either suppressed or am just not consciously aware of. I view these kind of dreams in which reactions come up, as a form of support. So, I’m going to start paying more attention to and writing out / self-forgiveness for those reactions that do come up.

Analysis
I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, as not providing Happy with the kind of life/excitement that I would want if I were in her paws. I have been participating within and as the fear that she will get sick and of die, and within this, fear guilt/self-blame. I have projected ‘my judgments’ onto Happy, and suppressed within and as my subconsciousness 1) the point of guilt (hidden behind that judgment) that I experience for not giving her the life that I would want if I were in her paws, and 2) the fear of the fear of self blame – should something happen to her.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to view/judge Happy as being unhappy with having to stay home, and within this, blame myself. When I find myself at the point of participating within and as the belief that I know what Happy/another wants/needs, I stop, breathe, and do not allow myself to go into the know it all – destructive illusions of the mind; I stand, by taking self-responsibility for and stopping my mind-activity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that, because Happy is not living ‘my’ idea of a dog’s good life, she may get sick and die.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of blaming myself should something happen to Happy while I’m away. I see / realize / understand that I as mind have created a relationship with my dog within which I have become dependent, and projected onto her what in actuality has been my position – not wanting to leave her behind. When and as I find myself at the point of thinking how sad Happy is whenever I leave, I stop, breathe, and realize that that sadness I’m seeing in her is me. Thus, I commit myself to the continued process of locating and stopping all energetic experiences. They – energetic experiences – are within and as the mind, and do not support life living here in and as the physical within and as oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the fear of experiencing guilt – the fear of blaming myself, should Happy become ill and or die while I’m away. I see / realize / understand that this “fear” is a tool/shackle of and as the mind, with which I have accepted and allowed me as the physical to be dominated/consumed/diminished by the mind. When and as I find myself at the point of any fear, I stop, breathe, and walk through it. It’s not real; it’s illusion.

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