Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 11, 2012

Day 35: The social I’s and the alcohol scene

Like the birds of a feather that flock together, so to do personalities of a similar suit. I see that I (as mind) am capable of putting-on, designing and or copying any personality suit that I choose. But none of these suits represent physical reality / Life. They are all by design – created of and for the mind, limited to the parameters of their design.

During this process of exploring and deconstructing me, the one suit that I’ve clung to most is my socializing suit. It is the suit, that I have worn for many years and although it never seems to wear out, it/I am getting older, and I’d prefer not to die as that design. There are so many possibilities, yet I’ve limited myself / my social I’s to only the designs that match mine or fill in the blanks so that I see in others even that which I don’t see in me but know is there. I’ve written about this before; it’s the alcohol scene, the one where all or most including me let down their guard and get to see and speak without regard, to act out, become and see that which we have suppressed. Intoxicated: poisoned by the brew, free to let loose, demonstrate and even brag about our demons, the secrets that we are and have accepted and allowed ourselves to become. There it is in a poetic nutshell. In reality, it’s just me searching for something in me or others that will stimulate/support me to feel that I am more than this that I see in me and others. It almost always ends up with me trying to get others to accept my point of view, but no one accepts anything because we rarely listen to each-other, and even when I do listen to another I seldom understand what he or she is saying. I sometimes think that perhaps our positions would be more closely aligned if we first came to an agreement on the definitions of our words, but I have been far too busy preaching knowledge and information, to slow down enough for that to happen. So I go out drinking with others, wanting, desiring and trying to express my opinions to others, only to find each and ever time that there are very very few who ever listen. I have given and gained nothing; nothing has changed except the clock, and in the morning I am no more than I was before.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to close my eyes to all the world, except the I’s that looked like me. I see how immensely limited my sight has been, obscured by the toxic effects of alcohol and surrounded by personalities that in so many ways look just like me or those of my family. I accepted the definitions of me that had been handed down to me by the generations that have gone before me; I questioned them, but I accepted them, and now I reject them. When and as I find myself at the point of putting-on a (personality) suit to suit me or others, I stop, breathe, and take the steps necessary to walk exposed as who I am, so that I and everyone else can clearly see who and what I am – inside out. By self-honestly showing me and the world that which I am on the inside – thoughts, feeling, judgments, emotions, beliefs, opinions, etc., I reveal to me that which I have stashed away within and as me. From there, I direct myself to no longer accept and allow the illusions of the mind to move the physical me. It is a method that require me to take self-responsibility for ‘my’ mind-activity, taking-care not to project onto others that responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to erroneously define ‘getting intoxicated,’ as a reprieve from the pain/suffering/boredom/desires/wants/needs/guilt/judgments/regrets and all else that has ailed me within and as the mind. I have often justified going to drink with others, by saying to myself that I was going to somehow assist them to wake-up from their illusions, while at the same time reenforcing all of our illusions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use boredom, guilt, medicinal benefit, physical pain, etc., as justifications to drink alcohol. I see, realize and understand that holding onto and maintaining these habits/patterns/addictions has been me as the mind not wanting to give up itself, and me as the physical not willing to take a stand against the mind. When and as I find myself at the point of justifying my drinking habits, I stop, breath, and bring myself back to reality: addictions, habits, patterns are of and as the mind, and as such I as the mind will justify and fight to hold onto them. I commit myself to take a stand; stop justifying habits, patterns and addictions; find their starting points; break them down and stop them. I realize that this is easier said than done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my DNA, passed down through the generations is special and as such, I am special. I see, realize and understand that I am only that which, within and as the accumulation of each breath I accept/allow/create me to be. When and as I find myself at the point of believing that I am this great being that throughout eons has always been and therefore will always be; I stop, have a look at reality, and realize that if I had ever stood-up and made a difference, I would be aware of it. All I ever did was question reality; I never tried to change it, and that position ends now, starting with me. I clearly see that each part of existence that stands for/as the change for the betterment of all, changes all of existence for the betterment of all. I see, realize and understand that we as separated-individuals equally created this whole mess, and the only way to correct our mess is to come together and stand-for and as that which is best for all: Oneness and Equality.


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