Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 10, 2012

Day 33: Not wanting to change

I see (for the hundredth time) that I often manipulate words. I see that my self-forgivenesses have become shorter and shorter. Within writing, I often wander from point to point, circling around many or most of the points that I most require to direct. The words read well and sound convincing, but too much of it is just self as personality/ego manipulating self to make it look as though I am standing/changing. I wonder if I am not just hiding me as ego, behind the writing. I resist change at so many points because I have no definition for who/what I will be within and as that change. I guess that falls under the category of, fear. There is something within/as me that moves me forward, a certainty that this is the process within which to move me; giving up is not an option.

Not wanting to Change:
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I could/would change, while in the same breath, accepting and allowing certain parts of me as the mind to remain because I like those suits and don’t want to change them. I see/realize/understand that this position is beyond silly. How could I possibly establish oneness and equality / a single standing-point within and as me, from a starting point of allowing free-will – the right to pick and choose which points to keep and which points to let go of? I realize and understand that free-choice – the choice to hold on to certain aspects of the mind/ego is the right to spite life, and it’s hypocritical. Thus, I commit myself to stop defining these mind-activity points as either positive or negative and to stop justifying their energetic existence. I commit myself to be ‘more’ diligent in stopping and forgiving ‘every’ point that comes up within and as the mind. I commit myself to thoroughly investigate why it is that I still desire to drink alcohol, and socialize.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to and maintain the parts of me that I don’t want to change. I see that the parts of me that I don’t want to change are the parts that I have given position to over me, and that these personalities – in not wanting/accepting change – are only concerned with their own survival: “What would I/they be if I/they am not that?” I will only understand the answer once I am it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that that which fear for its survival and is afraid to let go of itself, only exist within and as the mind. If I can’t let go of ‘everything,’ how will I ever be certain of what I am? I commit myself to (through the process of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application) letting of ‘everything’ until I am absolutely certain of what I am as life, and within this process, to stand as an example that mistakes can and will be retaken until they are all corrected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write words, but not live them. When and as I find myself at the point of writing words that I am not certain I will live, I stop, breathe, slow down, and write words that I will stand by; it’s a process, and there’s no sense in writing just for the sake of writing.

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