Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 9, 2012

Day 34: Cause/consequence: Writing/not-writing

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 4:54 am

For some time now, I’ve recognized the effects of regularly writing out my mind. So now, I guess it’s time to recognize/acknowledge the consequences of not writing, and the causes that support such consequences. My observations (on a daily basis) of the state of me, having written out that which is/was occupying me as the mind, is that the more I write, the less I think. This may sound strange, but the way it seems to work is that while I’m writing, the action is being done on the keyboard, in the physical – as opposed to in the mind. Sure, there are words, sentences and points that come up in the mind, but for the most part the action is physical, and by taking the mind-activity that has been circling around in my mind, out of the mine and physically putting it on the screen I am in essence, purging the mind of that mind-activity – thoughts, judgments, guilt, etc., and seeing it on the screen for what it really is – useless illusion, the Con of consciousness. Once I’ve written the mind-activity out of me, I as the mind become less active, and I have found that a less active or quite-mind is preferable to an active mind. Regardless of whether it’s positive or negative mind-activity, the more active in and as the mind that I am during a twenty-four hour cycle, the less enjoyable or more uncomfortable that cycle is/becomes. My goal within and as ‘writing’ is to equalize thought, word and deed, so as to free me as the physical, from the shackles of the mind. When I as the mind am very active, time seems to go by more quickly; it seems to fly by. Perhaps my perception of time speeds up when I as the mind am occupied, simply because I as life am not here = I am stuck in the mind – the illusion of time. I see now that the reason I used to so often wish for time to fly was because even though I wasn’t even ‘here,’ I wanted to be somewhere else. “Here” is the place to be, and the more I write, the closer I get to that destination. It’s a battle within and as a hypocritical mind – Me, Myself, and I. In one breath, I as the mind, agree with the goal of purging me, slowing-down and stopping. Yet, moments later I find that I’ve wandered back into the illusion, and the illusion sucks; I see that it’s not real, but all the same – it’s painful. The ‘painful’ consequences of participating within and as the mind come in many ways. The most obvious (as I interpret it) is the pain of physical diminishment, as a consequence of the mind extracting substance in exchange for but a moment of that which (within and as the confines of the mind/illusion) has been defined as pleasure, release/escape. And then there are the negative let-downs and positive surprises – the differences between illusion and the reality. Either way, regarding the let-downs and surprises, the pain/consequence of the illusion is still there, either before, during and or after, and it’s all result of participating within an as the energy-based illusions of the mind – paid for by the physical. The physical is what suffers. Cause or consequence: why sometimes I do not write, even though I know that writing is the pain killer. Alcohol, especially when consumed (when ‘I’ drink it) in large quantities seems to leave me in somewhat of a daze for usually a day, but sometimes – two. I have a unique way to justify consuming alcohol, that has to do with something I heard Veno or some other inter-dimensional being, say. Specifically, it has to do with the fact that we as the physical are one with and equal to all that is physical. Thus (not a quote), as long as we are standing one with and equal to all that is here, we will not be moved by anything. I as the mind jumped on that one, and to be honest it has been one of my favorite justifications. In fact, aside from: “I’m thirsty and it tastes good,” that’s my justification for allowing myself to go out on week-ends and pour down the beer, even though I see through the haze that’s it’s not supporting me – as life. Well, there is another – justification – and has to do me and this process I’m within and as – of discovering/realizing/changing me. It’s like: “What came first, the chicken or the egg?” Does the process of writing change me? No, I change me through a process of writing and self-corrective application. Sometimes the application part lags behind, and this is the point that I continue to work/struggle with. Finally, there is the justification that, I have many points to deal with and this (the consumption of alcohol point) will be dealt with as it’s dealt with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify ‘not writing’ on weekends, because I was hung-over or deserved a break, Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by ‘not writing’ (especially after being hung over), I was only prolonging the pain and that, in reality I did not de-serve anything because I was still in and as mind.

When and as I find myself at the point of considering whether or not to write during the weekends, I stop, breathe, realize and write, so as to assist myself to be able to express/enjoy me. I stand, and if I allow myself to fall, I’ll stand again, and again, until I allow myself to fall no more.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to within and as mind, feed-off/mine the substance that is me within and as the physical, and in doing so, not foresee the consequences that would follow – the pain/diminishment of of me as physical. When and as I find myself at the point of considering and an escape/release, I stop, breathe, and realize that there is no escape from that which I have accepted and allowed within and as me. The way to freedom is to on a daily basis, no longer accept and allow anything within and as me that does not support me as life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss a day or two or three of writing, and within this, not realize that that which I do not write out of the mind, compounds/imprints itself onto the physical, hindering the process of emptying me, which hinders the process of creating a me that stand one with and equal to all to all that is me.

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