Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 7, 2012

Day 31: Trust

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 9:49 am

Day 31: Trust
We usually talk about trust as though it’s something that one gives unto and takes, and has given to and taken from: “I gave him my trust, and he abused that trust, so (I took it back) and now I no longer place my trust in him.” or “He trusted me, and I abused that trust, so (he took it back) and now he no longer places his trust in me.” What is trust that can be transferred to and fro, gifted and received? Previously, I viewed trust as a measure of risk or uncertainty that I factored in an equation. It was but one of the many parts of the equation that I ‘thought’ I had no control over. I needed to make calculated decisions (or so I thought), so I would place a value on him, her, them, etc., so as to get as close as I could to an equation that I viewed as most favorable to me.

I spent all my time in the mind, considering, evaluating and calculating the variables, and the moment something changed, I would recalculate. My moments came and went and came and went, and that’s how I spent my time – in the mind, calculating and recalculating until the old equations became irrelevant and new ones came along. Complicated and time consuming procedures to say the least, because there were so many variables – nothing that I completely trusted, not even trusted myself. Then I started reading the Desteni material wherein which answers/solutions are backed up by explicit explanations based on on common-sense logic, and supported by simple mathematics. It is through studying and considering some of the perspective that I’ve come to see that the word, ‘trust’ has been used and abused to support not life, but separation.

Perhaps trust, would better be defined as: a measure within and as which ‘life’ express within and as equality and oneness. And perhaps, ‘self-trust’ could be said to be: a measure within and as which self express ‘self’ within and as equality and oneness – the mind and the physical. ‘Distrust’ is a measure of the state (of ‘life’) within and as inequality and separation. Thus, as long as the word, ‘trust’ is still has a place within our vocabulary, there is no equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view trust as a measure of risk a person represented to me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to view others in terms of the amount of risk or danger that I perceived them to be to me, and within this not see that I was actually measuring my fear of others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear others, and within this not see that the fear/risk I saw in them was actually me – my fear of myself, the fear of what I saw myself capable of doing to me/others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge others, and withing this not see that I was judging me, my self-trust, and then projecting that judgment onto then.
When and as I find myself at the point of viewing a person in terms of the amount of risk they pose to me, I stop looking outward at them and I look inward at me to see where it is in the mind that I am allowing myself to participate within and as ‘fear’ of a possible future outcome. I stop projecting that fear onto others; I stop participating within and as the mind’s fear based illusions of the future, and I walk step by step, here in the present.

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