Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

June 1, 2012

Day 29: Conditioned

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 2:58 pm

Today I was talking to the person who is perhaps setting up some work for me in central Taiwan. I hadn’t spoken with her very much about the money that I’d be making/charging because I hadn’t yet made a definitive commitment to go there. So today when we were speaking, I asked her about the ‘money,’ and I realized that it’s probably going to be less than I usually charge/make. I told her that I would go there without conditions, and have a look at the situation. However, when I got off the phone with her, I thought, “shit, I don’t want to work for so little money.” I began to think that this planned trip of mine might just be another drive down, turn around and come back. I left it at that, took a nap, and woke up a half hour later with a different point of view. Suddenly it occurred to me that while talking to her, I had been running in program-mode, considering only the money and not seeing the bigger picture. The bigger picture being that I had planned to spend the summer in Central Taiwan to continue establishing a foothold, eventually buy some land, etc. Flash! The amount of money was never a high priority. So, why had I during and immediately after that phone conversation suddenly focused all my attention on it? Because, as soon as I started talking about money, I automatically – without even realizing it – switched into ‘money mode.’ Additionally, after finishing the conversation with this woman, and still being in that money mode, I noticed that my state of being had gone from neutral, to somewhat negative. And speaking of this “state of being’ or whatever it’s called, I spent a lot of time today trying to fix something on my car, and when I realized that I didn’t accomplish my objective I again noticed a change in the way I felt.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself – my work, who I am and what I do – based on money, and as such, accepted and allowed myself to be conditioned/patterned by and according to principles unto which I’ve given value/definitions. When and as I find myself at the point changing – going into money mode – from a starting point of definitions that I’ve give unto money, I stop, breathe, and I move myself according to the physical reality of the situation, placing money in context, and prioritizing that which supports me walking out of the mind and into the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my decision to work or not work – based on the principle of the amount of money earned, regardless of whether or not I have a need for such money. When and as I find myself at the point of thinking that I won’t work for ‘this much’ money because it’s beneath me, I stop, breathe, and I do not allow myself to be moved or defined by money or anything else. I see that there are points within and as which I’ve defined myself – as money, and that I often move automatically within and as these points. Thus, I will pay more attention to myself and these points regarding money, so as to not allow myself to slip into automated patterned ‘money mode.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that as long as I am still equating principle with money, I’m still allowing myself to be defined by money and all the definitions that I’ve associated with it. When and as I find myself at the point of stating/justifying along the lines of, ‘it’s the principle,’ I stop, breathe, and I self-honestly ask myself what the starting point of that principle is. My goal is to only walk within and as the principles that support equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condition myself to only seeing the money, and in this not see the whole picture.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fall into a personality trap of placing priority-monetary conditions on my working in Central Taiwan, and in doing so lose sight of the reason for going there in the first place. When and as I find myself at the point of deciding to work or not to work, I stop and ask myself what I’d be doing if I didn’t work. If the answer is, ‘nothing,’ then I might as well be working.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk unconditionally in the present into the future. When and as I find myself at the point of placing conditions on the future, I stop, breathe, and I bring myself back to the present, and remain here in the present, walking/directing myself in consideration of only that which is physically here – as opposed to that which is in the mind.



  1. I work for one of the lower paying adult schools on the island. I’ve had to fight my conditioned tendency to “get the most that I can” in order to simply allow myself to be there, contentedly.There absolutely are bigger, better things in the world than simply maximizing your take of the world’s finite resources. And, of course, taking more means leaving less for others. Overcoming the anxiety of greed is easier said than done. That said, until their is an “equal money system” (very interesting btw, Thomas), we do have to concern ourselves with the struggle too have at least enough for survival.

    Comment by steve — June 1, 2012 @ 3:36 pm

    • Hi Steve, glad to see that you’ve settled back in. Once/if critical-mass is reached, perhaps real world change (for the better) can and will be achieved.Thanks for taking the time to comment/consider.

      Comment by Thomas La Grua — June 4, 2012 @ 11:04 pm

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