Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 29, 2012

Day 27

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 2:04 am

Another weekend, another two days off from writing. It’s not the way I plan it, but it’s not the way I don’t plan it either. The writing really does help me get-out stuff that just isn’t necessary – like: the aggravation of buying a new smart phone; talking to the neighbor who leaves a paint bucket in front of our two houses, dealing with a sick dog, and, once again I’m preparing to leave the security of home for a while to live/work in central Taiwan = uncertainty.

A cellphone purchase is something that I don’t take lightly because when I buy it I’m committing to live with for a long time. I’ve always had this issue of buying something and then a while later wishing that I had spent a little more time and or money to get something better, but once I buy it I’m stuck with it. Well, that’s not completely true – my wife is usually fine with whatever, so she usually gets ‘whatever’ after I’ve purchased a ‘better.’

Regarding the neighbor, we’ve had our disputes, and I’d prefer not to continue to have them. I used to always kind of appreciate the guy, even while we were having arguments, because he just stood by ‘his’ principles. Actually, I didn’t really argue with him as much as I used strategically placed words to calmly/politely provoked him into losing his temper. I’ve over the last couple of years tempered/eliminated to a large extent that personality and I would eventually see it – that personality – no longer part of who and what I am. This time when talking to the neighbor he let out the word, ‘principle’ and I realized that ‘spiteful’ would have been more appropriate. His wife said she would handle it, and I’m going to leave it at that – because I too had begun the engagement with thoughts of ‘it’s the principle.’

Regarding Happy, I’m torn between getting her to the vet – which means antibiotics – and giving her a chance to heal herself. She seems to be getting better, so I’m just going to keep an eye on her. I completely disagree with the way modern science attempts to use chemical concoctions to ‘kill’ as a means of ridding a body of its illnesses. But I see that for parents it must be horrible to watch a sick child and have to decide whether shoot for the pharmaceutical quick fix or to give the child’s body a chance to heal itself.

So, in a few days I’m heading back down to Puli – the land of wine, women, water, and weather. Actually, the famous xiaoshing wine is kind of nasty, and most of women seem to head for the big cities as soon as they come of age. But, the water and weather are probably the most pleasant in Taiwan. Why am I going there instead of just staying here? Fresh air, clean water, less traffic; it’s part of my plan to get some land there, become self-sufficient, and live and work there. Uncertainty has never been something necessarily enjoyed, but it’s usually been something that I’ve embraced/chased…

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would buy the wrong cellphone, be stuck with it for the next several years, and each time upon seeing that phone, regret that hadn’t bought a better one. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as regret – not seeing/realizing/understanding the absolute uselessness of regret, as regret is judgment that causes one to forget the present and instead remain stuck within and as self-judgment / the past. When and as I find myself at the point of fearing that in the future I may regret what I am buying now, I stop, breathe, and I realize that regret is self-judgment that cause one to remain stuck in the past. Learn from the past, but live in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within and as this fear of regret, react towards the process of buying a phone. Within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk through the entire process without reaction, as it is just a walk within the money system. When and as I find myself at the point of reacting during the process of purchasing something, I stop, breathe, and do not allow fear of the future detract me participating/walking here in the present. As the past is here as the present, I walk with what is here in and as the present, life. Regardless of whether or not I’ve made the best decision, reacting within and as the mind is a harmful waste of time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing to the system and within this, not see that by participating within and as fear I am accepting and allowing the system to have control over me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘losing’ within the system, because I fear becoming like those who are now on the losing side of the system, those that the system has used, abused and thrown away. When and as I find myself at the point of fearing losing money to the system, I stop, breath, and simply do not participate within and as the harmful/useless fear of losing or not having money. It’s like the fear of death; it may come any time, so one might as well live ‘all’ the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stand/walk within and as a ‘principle’ that does not stand for that which is best for all. When and as I fine myself at the point of lying within and as principles that do on support all life, I stop, breathe, and I redirect myself to that which does support all life. So called principles that originate from the Ego are just that – Ego. When I see that the ego is leading me, I stop and redirect me towards that which supports life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when talking to the neighbor, react on the inside as though I was being threatened. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing me as the mind to within feeling threatened, affect/upset the physical by releasing adrenalin. When and as I find myself at the point of ‘feeling’ threatened by the illusion – that which is not physically here – I stop, breathe, and move myself to remain within and as only that which is physically here. Thus, not allowing myself to be moved by the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the neighbor as ‘spiteful’, and with this as my starting point, decide to confront or spite him back. When and as I find myself at the point of ‘feeling’ offended, I stop, breathe, and don’t allow myself to be moved by that which isn’t real; it’s illusion created by the mind for the purpose of mining substance/life from the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the setting that I would like to walk into this summer, and within this, not see that the definitions are the limitations that limit me to only seeing/expressing within the ranges of that which I have defined. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself the opportunity to walk/stand within and as unconditional/undefined self-expression, but instead have limited myself to hopes/visions/illusions = mind-mines. When and as I find myself at the point of imagining/defining how I would like my future to be this summer, I stop, breathe, and within letting go of those definitions, I gift myself the will/standing to walk unconditionally into the future while always remaining here in and as the present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my potential to see and be one with all that is here can/will only be realized when I remain here living within and as breath. I commit myself to regardless of how many times I find myself once again lost in the mind, return here to breath within and as the physical – that which is here.

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