Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 23, 2012

Day 24

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 1:52 pm

Day 25
I used to spend hours, days, weeks in the mind, going back and forth, running numerous calculations/scenarios, searching for the best option – the one with the highest return = risk/positive-energy. Even though it all happened in the mind, it was always just a waste of energy/life. There has never been mathematical proof that time spent in the mind actually changes the future outcome in anyway whatsoever. How could it; the variables of the future are, at least to me, unknown and thus incalculable. I knew this in my younger years, but I wanted to make sure that god understood that I had done my due-diligence so that he might control in my favor the elements that I couldn’t. And that was my starting point – me spending much of my life in and as the mind, striving/competing to have more. Only at the point where the decision has been enacted and the outcome lived, does the outcome become a certainty. So, why bother wasting one’s breath/life thinking in the past about possible future outcomes, when one could be living each outcome, here within and as the certainty of the present/life/breath in every moment? Putting theory in practice requires letting go of the way I’ve always done things, the way I’ve always tried to control the infinite-number of elements of the past so as to insure a single outcome in the future. I require letting go of the illusion/future, so as to live in the certainty of present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared that there may be a god, and within and as this fear, force/fear myself into believing/acting as though there was a god, so that just in case there was, he would see that I believed, and in that, assist me to have a more/positive experience. When and as I find myself at the point of wanting to believe that there’s something ‘more than’ me as life, I stop, breathe, and I respect life by taking responsibility – as opposed to preying that someone else will do it – and moving myself towards that which is best for all life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within and as the present, sacrifice life in the hopes that the future would pay-out with a more positive experience. In this, I did not see that by giving up the present/moment/experience unto my mind, for the hope of a more positive experience in and as the future, I was in thought and deed giving up the only guarantee that there ever was or will be, and that is that the gift of life is the present. (Gong-Fu Panda) When and as I find myself at the point of going into the mind so as to analyze/predict the possible play-outs of the future, I stop, breathe, and bring myself back to the present; here is where I write my future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and strive for more, and in this, not see that by desiring ‘more’ I was/am desiring that others have ‘less,’ and by striving for more I was/am competing to make sure that others less and I have more. When and as I find myself at the point of desiring to have more, I stop, breathe, realize and understand that my more is anther’s less. Within and as the evil of competition, there is said to always be a winner and a loser, but how can life be/have won if life has lost?

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live here in each and every breath in and as the present, but instead have allowed myself to waste my breath/life, remaining within and as the illusion as the mind. When and as I find myself at the point of going into the dimensions of the mind – called the future, I stop, breathe, and remain here, always ‘living’ in the present.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify being in the mind – as opposed to being here in and as breath – because I said, ‘there are some things within and as the world system, that the mind is better equipped to deal with.’ When and as I find myself at the point of justifying participating within and as the illusion of the mind, I stop, breathe, and remain here equalizing my thought, word and deed. Write the solution and be/live it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within and as the mind, not see/realize/understand that I am a system of life that was/is supposed to assist life, and that if I am not assisting life I am denying life and as such, am required to… adjust me to support that which is best for all life.

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