Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 18, 2012

Day 22: Priorities

I’ve been writing so much about changing me, why and how I’m going to change me, that I hadn’t really stopped to see if in fact I had changed. Last night, it became clear to me that although I had written extensively about changing, I hadn’t (within and as many of the points) actually walked the changes. The cool thing is (and the more I write, the more I notice this) that the universe seems more than willing to provide me with the ‘perfect storm’ so as to give me the opportunity to actually walk such points in space time.

First, I got a call from a friend asking me if I wanted to party with he and some others over the weekend. I thought about this, and even though it goes against everything that I’ve been writing about, I told him I’d think about it. Later, I was watching a comedy movie, and in one scene, people were laughing, drinking, smoking, and having fun. So I jumped on the bandwagon and had a beer. Then I decided to have a smoke – which I very rarely do. Upon taking that first puff – and only one puff, I got a headache which lasted for a long time. Then I got a text message from a friend asking me to loan him some money. This irritated me because although this person makes enough money to support his family quite comfortably, he – in my opinion, quite often spends it on things that don’t support the family. I thought to myself, ‘this guy needs to get his priorities straight’. Then it hit me; I am the one who needs to get my priorities straight. I have an opportunity – handed to me on a golden platter, to do something amazing. And yet, there I was having a beer, smoking, and considering going away for the weekend to party. Who needs to get his priorities straight, I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak self honestly to my friends, i.e. tell them why I don’t want to go partying with them, because I’m afraid that they will get angry, upset, feel hurt, or think that I don’t like them anymore. When and as I find myself at the point of not speaking self-honestly to people, I stop, breathe, take it slowly and speak the words that are me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self-honest with others, and within that, prevent myself from actually being self-honest. When and as I find myself at the point of not being self-honest with others, I stop, breathe, and use common sense. If I am not self-honest with all, then I’m just a lie. I realize that a ‘half truth’ is actually a lie, and that arriving at and being truth is a process that I must walk to realize. But to do that, I’ve got to keep pushing myself forward, and that means leaving the lies, and walking towards/speaking/living truth. So, I will face my fears of telling the truth, one by one until I am no more a lie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in viewing people smoking, drinking, eating, and having fun on TV, react to that TV program, as though I am part of the program. When and as I find myself at the point of wanting to be/participate within and as that which I see in pictures and on TV, I stop, breathe, and realize that anything that I see and react to is a programmed part of me. But I do not have to accept and allow it; I can stop it by standing one and equal to it so that it does not move me. At this point within and as the moments of breathe, it is necessary for me to direct me. Thus, I direct me, based on the directions that I have already written for me.


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