Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 18, 2012

Day 21: Clarity

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 2:05 am

Every now and then, I become clear on certain issues. What I’ve written is always applicable to me, but sometimes I don’t see (because I’m not looking at me) where it is exactly, that it applies to me: that is until it jumps out in front of me and screams in my face so loudly that even a deaf, dumb and blind man, such as I have sometimes been, has no choice but to see, hear, and then do – that which must be done to become that which I would be. But, I’m not going to write about this in-detail, today. Because I remember on several occasions hearing a man explain how it was important to ‘not’ publicize an issue that you are trying to transcend, while you are trying to transcend it. I’ve experimented with this sort of case, and I agree with that statement. I do however, want to make a correction regarding yesterday’s post and the subject of dreams. Yesterday, I lumped them into the general category of, ‘that which the mind consciousness system does to keep itself occupied while one sleeps’. Actually, dreams can sometimes be supportive by giving one a virtual reality within which one has the opportunity to act-out/explore certain scenarios, and this is exactly what I did last night. Interestingly, when I awoke, I didn’t need to reenact with thoughts, the dream, because it was/is already a part of me. I played out with all the characters exactly what I needed to say and do: Clarity. But, as it was/is just a part of me – a dream, I now must walk it in space time, until the point is within and as all of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write words, believing/hoping that the simple act of writing the words would change me, and in this, not see/realize/understand that to be ‘living words,’ the words must indeed be lived. When and as I find myself at a point that pertains to that which I have written about, i.e., done self-forgiveness, self-commitment statements, etc., I stop, breathe, and I walk those self-commitments that I have written. I will not change/create a new me, unless I embrace the uncertainty of the darkness, take the steps and walk through the change until I am the change. The direction that I walk is so simple to see: that which is best for all is best for me. So, there is no confusion on what I must do; all I have to do is do it. I have in the past, put-off things/change, only to see in the present that they still need to be done/lived. I have double checked, cross referenced, and tested the logic/common-sense of this path that I have chosen, enough times. And I will continue double checking, cross referencing, testing, etc., but now it is time for me to take those steps, to be the change/freedom that I have written myself to become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there are shortcuts that leave out certain parts of ‘the change,’ but still allow me see/realize/be the change. When and as I find myself at the point of convincing myself that I can change me, without actually walking the change, I stop, breathe, and I do not allow myself to play the manipulation game. I walk the change, from the perspective of ‘this is me’; this is what I’m doing; I am the directive principle, and I am taking self-responsibility. Perhaps it is correct to say that I am going where I have never gone before.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others, the reason for me not walking the change: they’re a bad influence on me, or they would be insulted if I was to state my position clearly. When and as I find myself at the point of not speaking out to others, the stand that I am taking regarding our relationship, I stop, breathe, and I will myself to speak clearly and self-honestly within and as the starting-point of ‘me.’


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