Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 15, 2012

Day 18

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 12:19 am

Day 18
It’s not that I don’t feel like writing, I do. It’s just that, presently there are no issues sounding off in my mind. I wrote about points regarding my insistence on visiting a friend’s house, and my reaction towards my partner’s reaction to my insistence. Today: Interestingly, I’ll be visiting that same friend in about an hour. We’ll be making some sausages. Actually, I’ve already mixed the ingredients; we’re just going to put them into casings, barbecue, and of course, drink beer. We’ve been discussing this issue over the last 2 weeks, and no agreement yet, but also no arguments.

Two days later:
My weekend activities did reveal some points for me to write about. The first has to do with greed/selfishness. I’ve always preferred, when getting together with people, that we all pitch-in and share. Some share more; others share less. I found that the amount that people/I share with others often has to do less with how much (money) they have, as it does with how much they fear not having enough or loosing what they have. Sometimes, there is even competition amongst people in a group to see how little they can get away with contributing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as being selfish, and within this, not see the point within and as me of not wanting to be on the loosing end / not wanting to be taken advantage of. When I find myself at the point of judging others to be selfish, I stop, and within bringing all points back to me, take self-responsibility for me so as to no longer limit me to definitions. The definitions that I project onto others are ‘my’ definitions, my accepted and allowed limitations.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as comparing me – and how much I’ve judged myself to have contributed, with others and how much I’ve judged them to have contributed. When and as I find myself at the point of comparing him to her, me to him, etc., I stop and I realize that in comparing, I as ego am seeking to reassure myself of my standing (in separation) ‘in comparison’ to others. I realize that by comparing/judging others, I am reinforcing the illusion of separation. All that I experience is me; to change what I experience, I change me. Thus, I stand with all – as me directing me self-honestly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dishonestly speak these thoughts in my mind, as opposed to honestly voicing them aloud amongst those whom the thoughts refer. When and as I find myself at the point of thinking about others, I stop, breathe, and remain here within and as that which is physically here in this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear allowing others to get away with spending less than me. When and as I find myself at the point of believing (fearing) it’s not fair that I’ve spent more than others, I stop, breathe, and I do not give value unto that which is separate from me – money; I do not value that which is separate from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others definitions of being selfish/greedy/cheap, and within this, not see that that which I see in them is me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value money over life. When and as I find myself at the point of valuing money, I stop, breathe, and walk, without giving-up my self-expression unto that which is separate from me.

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