Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 10, 2012

Day 16

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 6:56 am

An acquaintance of mine recently pointed out that I seem to be rehashing or re-looking into old patterns. Yes, he is correct. But I’m not looking into all of them, just some of them – the ones that I am still participating within-and-as – and these are still too many to count. Yeah! So what? Rome wasn’t built in a day, and nor will I deconstruct and create me a-new in such a short period of time, either. So let’s have ‘another’ look at one of these patterns, that I still cling to, or still clings to me.

I have often started my mornings, with thoughts of, “perhaps today, I won’t drink any alcohol.” But what often happens towards late afternoon is that I’ll define the day, as coming to an end, and that means rest and relaxation time. For me, this means cooking, surfing the net or watching a video, and having a beer or a glass of wine – which usually leads to more beer an or more wine. Which leads me to a topic that I’ve obviously not put enough effort into – my pattern and or participation within-and-as consuming alcohol.

There have been times when I thought how cool it would be to be stranded on a deserted island – with mostly women, good food, and lots and lots of good wine. That’s right, my imagination of being stranded on a deserted island includes lots and lots of bottles of wine. I had never thought much of the oddness of this, until yesterday. Why it is that there is still so much about me that I still don’t understand? From a knowledge and information perspective, I’m fairly clear on the information that I have access to. However, from a perspective of, “living that knowledge and information,” it’s like I’m still just in the process of waking up. Why? It occurred to me that to keep a being such as me, in my current reality – wanting for very little, trapped/asleep/imprisoned, without me escaping/trying to escape, the best way to do it would be to keep me surrounded by diversions of “my choosing.” And to be honest, alcohol is something that I for the most part have always appreciated. Money had in the past sometimes been difficult to come by, but there has never as I recall, been a time when alcohol has been difficult obtain. Why is that? I’m sure that I had at least a say/part in choosing this particular life for me. In seeing (that is if I saw them) the tasks ahead of me in this life, why would I have chosen to make alcohol so prominent/easily obtainable? Or, was alcohol as a factor, placed within my pre-programmed life so as to divert me from seeing what is here? And, how would this reality be without it? These are questions that I’d prefer not to ask, because a question – once asked, requires an answer. So let’s continue to look at some of these associated patterns: cooking, eating, drinking and socializing. Cooking is definitely a pattern, but it’s something that I do because it gives me control over what I eat, and that’s it. Eating, drinking and socializing – separate and or together are experiences that: well they’re just that, experiences. But why do they factor so prominently within-and-as me/my habits? Because I have defined as enjoyable. I remember once hearing a famous old rock singer, saying that an alcoholic’s worst enemy is boredom. As I look at people who no longer drink or drink much less than they used to, I see that they have in a sense just replaced their drinking – the experience, with other experiences/activities – exercise, hobbies, etc. Which leads me once again to the question: what would I do and who/how would I be without alcohol? Let’s experiment, and find out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/separate the day into categories, i.e., writing time, cooking time, leisure/drinking time, etc., and within this, limited myself/self-expression to the definitions that I’ve allocated to that particular time period within a 24 hour period. When and as I find myself at the point of allocating when during the day, that particular task/objective should be undertaken, I stop, breathe, and check to see that the relevance of the allocation spots corresponds to that which is here in and as the physical, as opposed to corresponding to that which supports nothing more than ideas, beliefs, customs, etc.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be defined/limited by the definitions that I’ve given to time periods within the 24 hour day: morning = wake up and write/go to work; afternoon = cook and take a nap, and evening = eat, drink, surf the net, watch a video, and go to sleep. When and as I find myself at the point of getting ready to do something because it’s that “time of day,” I stop, breathe, and consider whether I’m directing me or I’m being directed by patterns, and are these patterns beneficial or are they detrimental. For me to be here, I must stop all unconscious patterns within-and-as which I’ve been participating. By being here, in and as breath, I direct me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/link the act of drinking alcohol, to the act of having a rest / taking it easy, and within this, not seen that the act of me having a beer or glass of wine is just another pattern within and as which I diminish so as not to have to take self-responsibility / be here – if only for a moment, but those moments do add up. When and as I find myself at the point of getting ready to have a beer or glass of wine, because the situation calls for it or it’s that time of day, I stop, breathe, and reevaluate that within-and-as which I’m participating. I have nothing to loose, but everything to be, so why not be something new.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself (for not wanting to change) to put off exploring in detail, my consumption of alcohol patterns. When and as I find myself at the point of not wanting to go into more depth, regarding my socializing/drinking habits, I stop, breathe, and write/move towards the point/points of most resistance – for it is there that I may affect the greatest transition.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify not wanting to change because even though I see drinking, as hindrance/obstacle, I don’t see it an a blockade. When and as I find myself at the point of justifying not stepping out of a pattern of drinking/socializing, I stop, breathe, and within-and-as the realization that my justifications are just supporting self-manipulation: I self-honestly direct myself to let go of those justifications, and move me within a path that is best for me. It’s a process within which time is apparently a factor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times, ‘feel’ that there is a gap within which I am missing out on something, and that the easiest way to fill this gap is to drink and or socialize. When and as I find myself at the point of believing that I am missing out on something, I stop, breathe, and realize that the only thing ‘real’ that I may be missing out-on is my self-expression of me being/participating here in and as ‘life.’ Thus, I commit myself to continue this process of deconstructing the old me, so as to create a new me – one with and equal to all that is here.

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