Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 8, 2012

Day 13

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:22 am

Day 13
Sometimes when I wake, I feel a sense of foreboding. It’s as though I feel I’m wasting time; I need to be doing something more productive; I need to be working / making money… These feelings seem to be more prevalent when/if I had consumed alcohol the nigh before. I’m still not sure if I’m going to stay here at home or go; I’m kind of taking a wait and see approach – as opposed to an in-the-mind, bouncing-ball approach. A couple days ago, I noticed my self looking towards my partner’s future attitude towards my insistence on being permitted to come and go as I please. I realize that I was looking to use this point as an excuse to go to away this summer, and I do see that that’s just the ego seeking to not take self-responsibility for my actions/inaction. There is also something I recall, about deciding to stay close to home during 2012, but I see now, that that’s just another-point outside of me within which I’m looking for justifications – as opposed to being self-responsible, self directed. Yesterday, I began organizing the garage, and I noticed that that was probably something that I would not have done, had I not been planning to stick around. I’m also thinking about putting up some shelves and doing somethings to the kitchen; These are not things that I would likely do either, if I was subconsciously planning/wanting to get out of here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – upon waking – participate within and as “feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc.,” and in doing so not allow me / give myself the chance to be here within and as that which is physical. When and as I find myself at the point of (upon waking) going into the mind – thoughts, feelings, emotions, guilt, desire, insecurities, etc., I stop, breath, and move me to remain here within and as that which matters, that which is physical, that which is here. The point is to (upon waking) not allow that first mind movement. The point is to immediately move myself, physically within and as what is here, not participating within and as the mind. The point is for me to write, apply self-forgiveness / take-responsibility for that which I have participated within and as separation, and move me so that I am no longer being moved by the mind’s energetic experiences defined as negativity/neutrality/positivity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to establish conditions for for which I may justify staying home or going to another place. When and as I find myself at the point of defining experiences as positivity/neutrality/negativity, stop, breathe, and try to view me and all that is here, from a starting point of oneness and equality. The process is for me to no longer view life from me as the mind’s perspective of separation. The process is for me to stand one and equal to the mind/myself, so that all parts of me stand/move equal and one = thought, word and deed standing/moving equal and one = oneness and equality within and as me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to put off cleaning, fixing and organizing, because I am not certain of what it is I’m working or moving towards, the goal. When and as I myself at the point of putting off that which needs to be attended to, I stop, breathe, and I will myself to move and physically attend to these things.

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