Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 7, 2012

Day 12

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:14 am

The writing, self-forgiveness, and to an extent, the self-corrective application seems to have assisted me in stopping the desire to be somewhere else – in this case, central Taiwan. I knew it would, because I’ve tested this self-forgiveness, before. Thus, that point of desire within and as me, to be somewhere else is – at least for now, less of an issue, and that was one of the points that I feared would occur. I feared that by giving up that point of desire that was moving me, I would lose my way, and have to make a new path – one that as of yet, I am still testing, a path in which I move me, as opposed to me being moved – theoretically speaking. So, what am I supposed to do now? Before, I had a clear desire/plan. That plan – to stay on the move, be free suited a side/personality of mine; it could be defined as, “lying within my comfort zone.” Now, here I sit without that desire, in a sense realizing that I don’t need to go anywhere to be “here.” Suddenly, I’m thinking that I should perhaps spend some more time here at home. Looking at all the energy I created going back and forth trying to calculate/decide what to do, makes it quite clear to me, the importance of putting an end to all the shit that goes on within and as this part of me I call, my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear letting go of a plan of action, for fear that if I let go of this plan, I would see myself and or be seen as a quitter. When and as I find myself at a point of not wanting to let go of a point with which I am moving, I stop, breathe, and I examine this point to determine my/its starting point. Am I directing or am I being directed? If I am not self-honestly directing me within and as that which is best for me/all, then I change to be self-directive, within and as a starting point that is best for me, and harms none.
I I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believed that a plan of action – based on desires – is a plan that is best for me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize that following a path whose starting point is desire is just that – following a path, instead of walking a path. When and as I find myself following/chasing a path, as opposed to walking it, I stop, breathe, and direct myself to move onto the path that is physically here, that step-by-step leads to an end to the illusions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I don’t follow my desire/s, I will lose my opportunities. When and as I find myself at the point of following a desire/s, I stop, breathe, and realize that desire is an illusion that keeps me from being here in the present. By taking back my power that I have given up unto those desires, I release me from the relationships, ties that have enslaved me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that, this going back and forth within and as the mind is the mind’s way of depleting substance by converting substance into energy by creating friction. When and as I find myself at the point of going back and forth within and as the mind, trying to determine the best course of action, I stop, breathe, and walk with what is here, in the moment, in the present, but not in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give priority to writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application, but instead have allowed myself to take a go-slow approach. When and as I find myself at the point of placing my diversions ahead of my process of walking here to create a new me, I stop, breathe, and will me to move forward, because I’m doing this for me and all as me.

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2 Comments »

  1. Jesus Tom…do you have too much time on your hands…anyway, how about some beer next weekend. John

    Comment by John — May 7, 2012 @ 4:08 am


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