Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

May 2, 2012

Day 8

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 11:41 pm

In many ways, I realize that I have not wanted to change – at least not some things about me. I guess it’s a form of self-sabotage. I see the potential for/to change, but I don’t see the change, which makes sense because I am not yet that change. For example, desire: What happens if I let go of my desires; what will become of that experience of eating pizza, riding a bicycle, etc? When I see a woman that I’ve defined as attractive, I enjoy or think I enjoy the feeling that comes over me. What if I didn’t desire; what would I be like? What if I was just fine, just going to work in the morning, coming home at night, writing and going to bed; what would that be; would I really be any different than I am now? No, letting go of that which currently moves me, only to be replaced with a contentment/comfort-zone within and as nothingness would not equate to change within and as me. Thus, I see that letting go of that which moves me is not enough. It is for me also to move me, express me = self expression. What is self expression, but self movement, and obviously, I’m not moving self, as long as self is being influenced/controlled by definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing me, for fear of loosing me, and within this fear of loosing me – who I have defined my-self to be, justify not changing myself because to do so would take the fun out of me. When and as I find myself at the point of a participating within and as patterns/habits/desires, I stop, breathe, and I move myself from a starting point of being here within and as self-honesty, me moving me – instead of the mind directing me from its starting point of limitation as definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, “sitting around and drinking with others as fun,” instead seeing it for what it really is – in many cases, the momentary illusion of an escape from the illusion, which is really just a doping down of me / my will to self express. When and as I find myself at the point of desiring to go and drink with friends, I stop, breathe, and direct myself express myself in a manner that remain here within and as the physical – as opposed to there in the dimensions of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and search-for energetic experience/s that I may define as – fun, and in doing so, not see that by defining (energetic) experience/s as – fun, I have been subjecting myself to opposite energetic experience/s of not-fun, thus, not really changing/moving/living. When and as I find myself at the point of desiring fun, I stop, breathe, and move/direct myself to be here as life, as that which do not require energetic experience. In other words, I stop defining experiences; I stop participating within and as experiences, and I start simply allowing all of me to be here – expressing as one – equally.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the search/desire to have experiences, long enough to see/realize me/here, long enough to see/realize a new me. When I find myself at the point of searching for experience, I stop, breathe, and I remain here. I as life am not just an experience to be remembered/forgotten; I as life am all that I have been. Therefore, it is for me to move me, and be what I am and will be. If it must be defined/remembered to be, then it isn’t, never was and never will be, and that is not me. Thus, I may let go of definitions because they are not now and never have been the me that has been and will be. To see me, I simply let go of everything, and what is left standing is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as fear of the unknown-me, thus fearing to go it alone, fearing to step out of the patterns – regardless of how repetitious they may have become. When and as I find myself at the point of fearing loosing me, I stop, breathe, and walk within and as the self-realization that participating in the fear of not existing is participating within and as separation – the mind as energy fearing letting go of energy, fearing the unknown. I have participated within and as energy for so long; now it’s time to gift myself a journey that does not require energy or anything except my will to move me express within and as oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be more diligent in letting go of all that, which I have accepted and allowed to move me, but instead manipulated myself into, letting go of just some patterns, slowing acclimating myself in the hope that I would be able to trick myself into going all the way. I guess the joke really has been on me. No, it hasn’t. I see/ have seen my self manipulations. When and as I find myself at the point of manipulating myself into going into a pattern, I stop, breathe, and self-honestly direct myself so as to remain here in and as the physical reality.

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