Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 27, 2012

Day 5 (of writing)

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 3:31 am

20 April 2012
I understand/agree (based on a knowledge/information and occasional realization) that I am creating my world, that the internal is creating the external. This afternoon Happy and I are going to drive down to central Taiwan. We’ll probably stay there one or two days, and then go to the southern tip of the island to do some camping on the beach. Then we’ll probably drive around to some other places, camp, swim, etc. I’ve done this trip before with my dog; she seems to really enjoy it, and I guess I do too. Actually, I’m doing this trip for her more so than me.
7 days later
Our trip seemed to go by more quickly than I had expected. So often I’ve camped on or near the beach. It is sometimes really cool, and sometimes it’s just scorchingly hot and uncomfortable. Bringing Happy along sometimes limited what I was able to do, but I do enjoy her company. One of the things that I noticed quite often while I was driving around (in my 18 year old Suzuki escudo that I purchased a few months ago) was that I kept catching myself looking at other cars and comparing them to what I was driving. In some cases it was the thought of; “how cool it would be to have that BMW X5,” but in most cases it was just, “how nice it would be to have larger car or one that didn’t sound as though the transmission was going to give out at any moment. Looking back, at intervals of 7 and 14 years, it appears as though (to an extent) I may be recycling – my program. I mean, what am I currently doing: traveling, staying in different places, meeting new people, working and or perhaps doing some business here and there… And as then, I seem only to do just enough work or business to maintain myself and certain obligations. So often, I just want to be somewhere else. Currently, I’m at home in a big city, but for a long time, I wanted to move to the country – fresh air, mountains… But to do that, I have leave my wife, at least for a time – again, because she’s made it clear that she’s not moving, at least not at this time. I think that she sees moving, as a risk of loosing what she has. I see not-moving as a risk of loosing an opportunity. I get it that I’m responsible for and creating my experiences, regardless of where I am. But if I can be where my experiences include clean air, bicycle riding, hot-springs, river walking, aboriginal culture – as opposed to city culture, etc., why not go for it. I mean, what is “directing and moving myself”? Is self-directed movement all about sitting at my computer and releasing myself of definitions so as to enjoy my smog and traffic experience, regardless of where I am, or does it also include / sometimes-require physically moving to another location. And here I am, back again at this point of needing/wanting to go to another place. It’s part of a plan that I’ve had for some time – move to the country, plant a garden, grow fruit trees… I’m reminded of the saying: “he’s wearing colored spectacles.” Could it be that I’m able to do self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to define this location’s air as dirty, as opposed to that location’s air as clean, and in doing so start enjoying the air that I once defined as dirty? Is that creating my reality? Or is that just creating my illusion? Is there a difference?

Anyway, I’ll take care of some things here for a couple of weeks, and then go rent a place in central Taiwan, and find some work. It’s only two hours away, so I’ll come back every 2-3 weeks, and Happy can spend some time in both places, too.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to desire to have more than I actually require to survive within this reality. When and as I find myself at the point of desiring “more” than is necessary to survive in this reality, I stop, breathe, and I bring me back here so as to see and experience/enjoy what is actually here – me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to value “having and having-more,” and in doing so, give up self-expression unto-and-equal to that which I’ve valued. When and as I find myself at the point of placing value on that which is separate from me, I stop, breathe, and do not allow me as life as self-expression to be forsaken.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to not see/realize that by participating within and as definitions and comparing me to others, I am trapping me within and as the limited realms of the ego, ever seeking to establish its position based on inferiority and superiority. When and as I find me at the point of comparing my car, clothes, house, etc., to that of another, I stop, breathe, and I walk within and as the principle of equality of and as all life. For it is living that equality that sets one free.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to not yet live, here, without the, “what if I had bought a different car” statements. When and as I find myself at the point of thinking/considering, “what if,” I stop, breathe, and do not allow me to participate within and as dimensions of the mind – that which is not here, not physical, not real. Thus, I strive to be 100% here, in moment.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to use justifications as a means to manipulate me and or justify me moving to the country. When and as I find myself at the point of justifying my moving to the country, I stop, breathe, and realize that self-movement within and as self-honesty requires only me to will me. Thus, I take self-responsibility to move me within and as self-honesty.

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