Thomas La Grua's Journey to Awakening

April 18, 2012

Day 4: “Let’s go to a new place,” personality

Filed under: Writing out the Mind: 2010-July 2, 2012 — Thomas La Grua @ 11:34 pm

Day 4
19/04/12
Nothingness – the 7 year process to birthing self as life (link): It sounds cool, and from my perspective it’s not intimidating because the only commitment as of now that I’m making is to me to become self-honest and slowly but surely stand one and equal to the thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc., that I’ve come to know as me. There is probably more to it, but that I’ll write about as I understand it. It’s been quite some time since I wrote on a daily basis, and the reason that I’m starting up again is because, having compared my experience/s during the times when I was – and wasn’t – writing, I’ve found the times when I was writing to be more productive, insightful, and in line with becoming the me that I am walking to be. It’s definitely been a learning experience.

Yesterday, that which I wrote to assist someone, wasn’t just written to assist, it was also written to persuade – persuade her to change her, instead of me changing me. I see that my resistance to doing self-forgiveness on this topic has to do with my fear of loosing a big part of me that’s been directing me for a long long time. It’s the part of me that has so often dealt with obstacles by sidestepping them or to put it more simply, moving to another city, state, country… I’ve justified not wanting to loose this part of me, by rationalizing that changing one’s physical location is conducive to more enjoying one’s experience. But then again, what if I am 100% responsible for my experience; why should I require to change my physical location? Of course, I understand that I am 100% responsible for my experience. I am responsible for my experience. Thus, it is for me to direct me accordingly, and not to be limited by that which I perceive as physical location.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to justify holding onto and participating within and as a personality construct within which I’ve avoided changing me, by instead changing my physical location or surroundings. When and as I find me at the point of justifying my participating in and as that which I see to be a personality construct, I stop, breathe, and do not participate within and as that or any other personality constructs. Instead, I direct me in the moment, understanding that this is me walking self-honestly, without the limitations of personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me to not realize that, in changing locations I didn’t really change – nothing changed; I just put-off taking self-responsibility. When and as I find myself at the point of to change my locations (for the purpose of changing my experiences, I stop, breathe, and I do not allow myself to deceive me into believing that running away will in anyway change my experience of me. I change me / my experience by directing me without accepting and allowing habits and patterns of personality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to fear letting go of this “let’s go to a new place” personality construct, because I’ve feared letting go of me; I feared taking self-responsibility for me; I feared that giving up this part of me would mean a less exciting life. When and as I find me at the point of holding onto old patterns (such as the, “let’s go to a new place” pattern), I stop, breathe, and remain here, solving my issues/problems by being here as me without the crutches of personality. Whether or not I enjoy my experience is based within and as me. Changing my location to suit me is just another aspect of personality.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed me to not give me as life a chance / the opportunity to direct me, and in doing so, the opportunity to live as me, without the limitations of personality constructs. When and as I find me at the point of switching or entering into a personality suit, I stop breath, and I remain stable, unchanging, understanding that it is not necessary to change me for others, because their experience/perception of me is 100% them/theirs, and my experience of me in relation to them / my world is 100% me and my responsibility. Thus, by walking here in and as self-honesty, I become self-directed, the creator of me.

A few hours later
I’m returning to this subject because I see that to actually stop these patterns that I’ve accepted and allowed to control me, I need to dig deeper, get to the source… The first time (that I remember) that packing up and leaving seemed to be the solution to a less than ideal situation was when I was 14. It was summer, and in two months I would go a public high-school in New jersey. I could see my future: getting in with a worse crowd than I had already been with, getting arrested, becoming a looser and so on. Then, miraculously (or so I thought back then), I was able to go off to a private military high-school. I naturally came to view the ability to come and go as I pleased, as a means to have more control of my life. The ability to come and go became both my opportunities and my escape routs. It gave me an advantage over others who were trapped inside their imaginary walls. I remember not wanting to stay in one place for too long because I didn’t want (most) people to get to know me too well – the more they knew me, the less well I’d be treated. The longer I stayed in one place, the more difficult it would be to maintain a facade. The ability to go, and arrive in a new location meant opportunities; whereas choosing to leave and leaving represented escape routs. Very interesting.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being able to go to other places and going to other places, as opportunities. When and as I find me at the point of viewing “going to a different place,” as a means of changing/improving my experience, I stop, breathe, and I take responsibility for me, here. I change my experiences by letting go of the definitions and directing me here in the moment.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being able to leave and leaving a place, as escape-routs or means of improving/changing my experiences. When and as I find me at the point of viewing an exit as a means of changing or improving my experience/s, I stop, breathe, and instead of running away, I direct me (in whichever way) so as to maintain an experience of me that is not moved by that which is separate from me. Regardless of where I am, I create my experience.

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